This Sunday started out stormy- both weather-wise and emotions-wise.
My house has been under a flea attack for the past two weeks because of Koshka. Strangely, my mother has been the only one getting all the bites while the rest of us have escaped quite unscathed. It's a profound mystery. Unfortunately, this flea attack did not come at a good time because we are currently in the process of packing up all our furniture and stuff. You can imagine the added stress this has brought to my mom.
Yet, although I understand where her frustration is coming from, it still drives me up the wall when I feel like she's taking her anger out on me. I knew the fleas weren't even the main issue. All that anger she has inside is just coming out at every possible opportunity; and the best part is, I can't even really say much or retaliate because I'm trying to be a good daughter. However today, I finally told her that I didn't know what to do whenever she acts like this. If it's not something I did, it's something I didn't do. I felt like no matter what the situation, she was just always angry.
Obviously that talk didn't go well- and it wasn't because of my tone.
Afterwards, I had about an hour to myself. I sat in the car thinking about how I can't change who my mother is or how she acts. And yes, I could pray to God, but ultimately, the tangible right-now thing that I could change is me. And deep down inside, I knew that I would have to do the dreaded apology thing again. I felt God telling me to humble myself no matter how wronged I felt. He reminded me that my mom still has authority over me and that I should respect and honour that authority, not test it.
So after asking for strength from Jesus Christ, with racing heartbeats, I told her that I was sorry for the cat bringing fleas into the house and that she had every right to be angry at me. I also made commitments to be available to help with the packing process or anything else that she needed.
She obviously didn't pat my head or anything, but the tense atmosphere dissolved a little.
I can't tell you how conflicted I felt inside though, as I was apologising. On the one hand, my mind is saying, "she's always taking advantage of you and acting out on you!" On the other hand, the Holy Spirit told me "honour your father and mother, for this pleases the Lord."
See, I don't care anymore whether or not I have a legit reason to be mad at the people in my life with authority over me. So my parents are human- and so am I. Who am I to forgive when forgiveness alone belongs to God? And who am I to question their authority if I want my own kids to respect mine?
My mom once hinted that she only started going to church again because she truly saw and believed the drastic change that she witnessed in me over the past two years. Knowing that, I can't ruin my daily witness by holding pride and resentment in my heart! I should live out every second of my day the exact way that I profess Jesus Christ walks in love. If I preach a Christ humbled on the cross, then I should reflect that humility in my daily actions since I claim that He lives in me.
And you know what, He made the impossible possible.
I would never in a million years have been able to do or say what I did today, but when I cried out to Jesus from the bottom of my heart, asking for strength and guidance, He provided it. Not only that, but He also went on ahead of my apology and calmed my mother's nerves so that I was able to speak to her and not agitate her further.
How awesome is He!
And how weak I am...
It's in situations like these when I'm reminded by how futile all my "intelligence" and "learning" is. And how physically, mentally and spiritually weak I really am.
Without Christ, I have and am NOTHING.
