Barbecue & Becoming Unrecognisable

Just got home from a barbecue at Becky's.

After a prayer meeting at church this evening, we decided to go to her place to cook hamburgers on the grill. Bacon hamburgers, that is!

It wasn't long before they were all gone. The cook was awesome, the company was great and the pickles made everything go down really easily.

After dinner, we spent the rest of the night playing cards sitting on the road outside the garage.

It all sounds very simple, but I actually had a lot of fun. Mostly because I wasn't constantly feeling on edge as the people around me weren't spitting curse words left and right. I also felt comfortable because I knew that I could speak freely about Christ if I wished to. Hanging out with Christian friends is really different from hanging out with non-Christians.

It seems as if the very air around us changes when Jesus' name isn't thrown around meaninglessly.

How I wish sometimes that all the people I hung out with were only Christian friends... But that's just impossible. Not to mention, cutting myself out from the world like that would be going against God's command to be a light in this dark world (Matthew 5:14-15) and to spread the gospel wherever we can (Mark 16:15).

Yesterday, my mom said something really interesting.

She said that after spending some time with my dad this past week, she realised that he has become a completely different person that she could not recognise anymore. She said that he was just so different from the man she met almost twenty odd years ago.

Thankfully, the change she indicates is a positive one, all thanks to the workings of God in his life.

When I thought more about it, I saw how fortunate my dad was even through his trials over the years. Even at my age, he had already amassed quite a small fortune and he believes that he would have become a multi-millionaire by now if not for the stock markets crashing in the 90s.

If my dad had not lost his money and prestige back then, would he have drawn this near to God over the years? It's quite unlikely. I think he would have continued living in a wayward fashion, caring only for himself and little for the needs of others.

Harsh, I know. But I say this because my dad and I have more or less the same sort of personality in this matter. If God had not brought me down at certain points in my life, you can be sure that my head would be the size of Jupiter right now.

This is precisely why "sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart." (Ecclesiastes 7:3).

You don't see successful people happily running to church after they hit the jackpot, win homecoming queen, or become the president of the United States. The people that you truly see repenting and turning their lives to God are usually the people who have been so broken down and battered by life that they finally understood how undeserving they are.

Obviously some people will twist this by saying that when people come to a dead end in life, religion is just one of the things that they will turn to, alcohol being another one of the "escapes".

Perhaps.

But the broken are so much more better off than those who live their entire lives with smiles on their faces and empty souls on the inside- only to die one day and realise that they have wasted their time on earth when Jesus was calling their name every single day.

Anyway, what my mom said about my dad really made an impact on me and I had to ask myself this question: will people still recognise me in twenty years?

My preferred answer would be- no.

I don't want to be recognisable.

I want people to look at the person I am (if I'm still alive, God-willing) and not be able to see any traces of the old me at all. If I am loud and boisterous now, I want to become a godly woman of a "quiet and gentle spirit" (1 Peter 3:4). If I am a lazy bum now, I want to become an industrious, hardworking woman who gets up before dawn to tend to matters (Proverbs 31:10-31).

I know what some of you are thinking...

Fat chance! No way! Impossible!

Trust me, I have doubts too.

But one thing I do not doubt, that my God is able and He is willing to take this heart and change it into something so different, so amazing, that you would not be able to deny that it was God who did it when it is done!

What I've Been Up To & Thoughts

Yes... I know I disappeared for a while, but I'm back now!

I can't believe the week after graduation passed so quickly. It seems as if I blinked my eye and it went by. Here's a really really condensed recap of what I've been up to with my dad visiting.

Spent two days touring NYC.

Ate in and shopped at Peddler's Village.

More shopping at the Philadelphia Premium Outlets.

Visited the Amish, of course.

Had an amazing Memorial weekend.

Basically hung out in the lovely weather.

Celebrated my twenty-second birthday with family.

Set up a lemonade stand with the boys.

Went bowling (boy, I really stink now).

Went picnicking at Lake Nockamixon.

Had ice cream at Merrymead Farm.

Then it was time to say goodbye...

After he left, I spent the next day cleaning the house and doing laundry. There were a lot of errands that had piled up during the time that he was here and I had to get those out of the way too.

This morning I went with my young adults' group from church (C.L.I.M.B.) to a place called SHARE in Philadelphia to volunteer. We didn't know what we would be doing until we got there.

Since SHARE gives out charity boxes to the elderly with food inside, we had to help them put together the boxes. The goal was 700 finished boxes, but we soon learnt that the assembly line wasn't as easy as it looked.

Although we only managed to finish about 300 boxes, it was still a great feeling to be tired from doing some manual work. Not to mention, helping out a non-profit organisation at the same time.

And since it was Dorie's birthday, we celebrated it in the afternoon with ginormous Philly cheesesteaks at Mama's Pizzeria and draped her in pink paper ribbons after C.L.I.M.B. at night.

So that basically sums up my activities in the past week and a half or so.

Everyone has been asking me what I'm going to do now that I've graduated and I still give them the same reply: "I DON'T KNOW".

I'll admit that once in a while, I do get jittery about my future. I think about all the things that I have not done right or done enough and imagine that my life is just going to go downhill from here. But that's just me forgetting God's promises and losing focus.

The other day, I got a little upset thinking about all the reasons why I'm probably going to end up falling short of what I know I could achieve in this life. It was rather depressing and I realised that though I'm a big-time slacker and a "anything, whatever" kind of person on the surface, I actually do harbour desires for a certain level of "greatness".

Greatness- not necessarily in monetary terms, nor am I talking about fame... But just something. I just know I'm made for so much more than this... But what?

I can tell that my mom is trying her best to back off from prodding me too much about finding a job, but just being able to sense her nervousness can be a little frustrating.

I wish everyone would calm down and not think that I am being a slacker right now. All things in due time...

I have too many options to choose from and yes, although it's both a boon and a bane, I shall look upon this situation as a blessing. How many people have this many choices concerning their futures after graduating from college?

I know that wherever I go, whatever I end up doing, God will bless the work of my hands if I am working for Him. So I am not worried about that.

I just need to move.

Princeton

I went to Princeton University today to meet Shafiq and to check out what the Princeton fest was all about.

He showed me around the beautiful school grounds and shared many interesting stories about campus life.

I recognised this building from the movie A Beautiful Mind where John Nash starts freaking out! Thought it was pretty cool... All the buildings at Princeton are really beautiful to begin with.

And of course it helped that every other tree was covered in spring blossoms!

Went to Cheesecake Factory later with Maggie where she treated me to a lip-smacking dinner of Jamaican black pepper shrimp.

Thank you so much Maggie!!!

On the long drive back home, I started thinking about this whole day and generally noticed a theme...

With Shafiq, we talked a lot about the importance and value of going to an internationally-recognised school. Since I do not attend one, I seem to be having a harder time getting employers to even consider me for an interview.

With Maggie, our conversation centered a lot of what I was going to do after graduation; whether pursuing further studies would be a good idea. I mentioned that I was thinking about a PhD in English Literature or law school.

So... After today, I suddenly feel more inclined to further my studies post-graduation.

But at the same time, I don't want my parents to have to work so hard. I want to contribute too! Which means I should start working...

Right???

............

A Blur Of Events

I went home this past weekend to spend some time with my family.

Baby brother still the same- engrossed in his video game.

Spent Sunday working on a dress for Nat.

My mom said it looks like a milkmaid's outfit!!! What do you think? Would you wear it out? I would...

Monday evening I went with a small group of trackies to Queens, New York for a track meet. Traffic was really bad on the way and it took us almost an hour and a half to get there.

In the spirit of upcoming Easter, we saw a car with bunny ears on the way.

Although the day had started out with Singapore weather, by the time we got there, the wind had dropped to a chilly 15 Celsius.

My event- the 3,000m steeplechase ended up being cancelled but at least I ran a 4x100m relay just for laughs.

I got home exhausted, mostly mentally and emotionally because even though I didn't have to fight any physical battles on the track, I had to fight spiritual battles within myself. Although outwards I was smiling and laughing and joking around with my teammates, inside I was a mess of thoughts and feelings.

Yes... It's the whole loving your enemy thing again.

To make matters more complicated, this "enemy" happens to be my ex, who is now... my track coach (long story). So not only do we clash in one level but you can imagine how complicated the dynamics are right now.

I am constantly faced with the struggle of having to be nice to him for Christ despite the unfairness of many situations. My gut instinct is always to lash out at him in hate and anger when he says or does stuff to spite me; but I keep reminding myself that I'm a different person now and it is for Jesus Christ that I now live- not my pride.

It is so hard!

It drives me crazy to have to bend over backwards, to not gossip, to swallow my pride and walk straight shoulders squared among all the eyes that are watching me. I feel like everybody is waiting for me to fall and I'm walking on a tightrope. My stomach turns each time and my flesh literally feels like there's something crawling underneath it when this struggle is going on. But I cannot cannot cannot give in!

But other times when I do give in (against my will), I just feel so unworthy, so low and far from God because of certain things I said that were out of place. It's like the perfect way to invite other people's judgment on myself- especially when I so blatantly toot God's horn on a daily basis.

Give me more grace!

Lord, help me to remember that You alone have the right to judge and that You have cast my sins as far as the east is from the west! Help me to run this race with my eyes fixed on the prize, leaving the past behind and forging ahead to take hold of Your victory. I ask in Jesus' name that You will take away any anger, hate or discordant spirit in me and fill me instead with a humble and contrite spirit. Help me to pray sincerely for my enemies and to bless them. May Your hand bless everything that I do, in Jesus' name I pray, thank you... Amen!

On another note, spring is definitely springing forth with the april showers.

It rained all day today and I predict more lovely blooms in the days to come.

So exciting to see green things budding after all these months of wintry gray!

I just got back from watching a school play actually. There was a production of The Little Shop of Horrors and I decided to go watch it because it was the first play I'd ever watched as a little girl and I wanted to see if I would pick up anything new this time.

First of all, I recognised some friends on stage and it was really awesome to watch them transform from ordinary people to bellowing singers. I never knew some of them were so talented! My applause was therefore much more sincere today than at Carnegie Hall last year...

As the plot unfolded, I began to pick out themes as if I were reading a book. I guess that's what being an English minor has done to me- I now naturally analyse every media form in all sorts of thematic contexts.

*spoiler alert in next paragraph*

But what I particularly enjoyed was that this play is very much relevant to the rundown area in Jersey City that we live in. The Little Shop of Horrors is set in Skidrow, a ghetto little town with hardly any prospects for its residents. However when Seymour, who works as an apprentice in a floral shop discovers a fantastic man-eating plant and uses it to gain fame, wealth and power, he is provided with an opportunity to "make it big". It's like the classic rags-to-riches fairytale, except that this one in Skidrow has a twist in it. Seymour's fairy godmother is this man-eating flytrap looking monster plant that keeps demanding "more! more!" and eventually Seymour has to sacrifice to it the very woman for whom he's been sacrificing things for. Obviously, at the end of the play, all the main characters are dead (in the monster plant) and the chorus sings the moral of the story: which is to stop feeding the plant.

On my walk back to the dorms in the soft rain, a thought kept recurring in my head: what are you chasing? What are you living for?

Am I trying to gain more friends? Am I trying to earn lots of money? Am I trying to become well-liked, fashionable, funny, awesome?

Because whatever I'm living for, if it's not the right thing, it's like the monster plant. The more I feed it, the bigger it gets. And even though at the beginning it promises me pleasure, wealth, fame, etc., at the end of it all, it will consume everything that I have and am.

Sigh...

Living for Christ is not easy. I feel as if I'm constantly struggling against myself. But at the end of the struggle there is always a peace that seems to come from nowhere. He always leads me out to greener pastures and still waters.

Thank God for trials for they make us stronger!