Housecleaning Thoughts

I just finished cleaning the entire apartment and I'm waiting for my laundry to get dry downstairs as I write.

The lethargic mood hasn't left me yet, but Khadeen is right- I should be doing all the things that I know I need to finish anyway. So I'm doing my laundry, cleaning the apartment and all that's left to do is to start reading the material on my law paper assignment.

I know these things won't exactly make me feel better per se, but they are just mundane things that have to be done no matter what.

In any case, I heard from the Ministry of Foreign Affairs in Singapore today and they rejected my application. Not to sound defeated in advance, but I already sort of knew I would not get a position there- just because I'm not Ivy League material or some sort of President's Scholar. What else would you expect from a country that prides itself on meritocratic values?

So the job search continues...

But the reason why I'm blogging right now is because each time I clean the apartment, I start to think about many things concerning my roommate and I. Me being me, I try to justify why I shouldn't be the one asking for forgiveness in the first place. I come up with all kinds of valid reasons as to why SHE should be the one who should be asking ME and not the other way round. But then I hear a voice checking my thoughts saying: "who are YOU to forgive? Do you even have the power to forgive?"

That's when I realised that not even my roommate has the right nor the ability to truly forgive me. Only Jesus Christ has the authority to forgive sins.

Not only that but it's so hypocritical of me to think such things!

As I'm wiping the floors, it's easy to fall into the trap of wondering when she's going to "wake up" and see the real reason why I'm bending over backwards for her. Maybe then she'll be able to stop holding grudges or acting the way she does.

But who's to say she will? Can I make her?

I can't... Only God can.

But I think and think and think to make myself feel better about having to clean the floors until I finally realise that this whole time, I'm the one who's holding grudges. Why should I need to justify the good that I'm doing if I'm doing it solely out of love for Christ? Why do I keep longing for instantly gratifying results even though I know the seeds I plant will never grow except by the power and will of God?

It is just human nature, I suppose. My sinful, fleshly nature.

But I don't like it and it has been quite a battle going between the two opposing thoughts. For Christ vs. for myself.

How will I live the rest of my collegiate life?

Easter Time

Went to the Bronx on Thursday with girls from Bible study at school. We were there to visit Khadeen's mom in the hospital.

What a humbling experience it was, to be reminded that good health is a blessing from God. While we prayed together in the ICU, I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed by it all... The tubes, the smile in her mom's eyes despite the pain, Khadeen's quiet strength, our shuffling feet, the beeping machines... All the troubles in the world seemed to diminish in comparison to what I saw and felt.

I got home feeling drained from the four hour commute.

Drove back home from school on Saturday afternoon to play with the boys.

In the evening my mom and I went to Lowes to pick up some new flowers to plant in front of the house. She did all the digging because I hate earthworms.

This morning at Easter service, the pastor basically talked about Christ's resurrection giving us victory over death, sinful behaviour, etc.; it also gives us power over past sins and peace concerning the unknown future.

I guess what I've been feeling recently is inadequacy. I feel as if I don't deserve to come close to God, because of what happened between my roommates and I and various other things.

Every time I open the Bible, I read things like "and the Lord's servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful" (2 Timothy 2:24).

Verses like that just cut right to my heart when I think about how I have to battle with resentment and counting wrongs each time I see or hear my roommate in the dorm. Not only that, but I feel like I haven't been fed spiritual food recently because I haven't been surrounded by a lot of Christian friends. Instead, I've been hanging out with lots of anti-Christian lifestyle people in an effort to reach out to them.

After all this time, I feel like I am just drifting further and further away from God. I really don't want to end up in a place where I've become numb to sin.

In any case, the rest of the family just arrived for Easter dinner.

Gotta go!

Tuesday Update

Oh no I haven't blogged for so long!

Last Friday I had a really good track meet at Rutgers University. It's amazing how after all these years, I'm still learning new things about how to race and train. At each race I discover something new about how to run well. I love it!

Sunday, we celebrated Mommom's birthday.

Had the most delicious cheesecake I've ever had in years. Maybe it's because I've been trying hard not to snack impulsively that every sweet titbit tastes heavenly, but that was some seriously good cheesecake! My mom bought it from Wegman's supermarket.

As for further updates on everything else in life; my roommates still aren't really talking to me. To be accurate, I just haven't seen the one who hates my guts since we last had the "meeting". I think this space is necessary to the both of us right now anyway. All I can really do is to continue praying for myself to be more patient and understanding and for God to soften her heart.

As for school, it's going to start picking up any day now. However I'm really going to try my bestest not to pull any all-nighters this time around because our track championships are coming up and I've been dreaming big dreams...

Regardless, this spring has been really lovely weather-wise. We've had a lot of rainy days but also a good bunch of temperate sunny days. In a short while, summer will be here and winter will be naught but a memory... My college days will be a memory...

Because graduation is coming up in about a month or so, I've been trying to make full use of my time to hang out with as many people as I can. Who knows? I may never see them again. But while I'm here, I want to walk on these dirty concrete pavements, laugh like a kid and play in sun. When I finally leave school and close this chapter of my life, things will never be the same again.

How blessed we are in the present!

Thank you God for making me understand how precious is our gift of life daily. Help me not to take today for granted but to live it according to what You would wish. Fully and abundantly. In Jesus' name, Amen!

Life Seems Rosy

Life seems rosy, but it's really not.

Last night, Nat and I went on a late night run to get sushi in New York City.

Had Pinkberry for dessert!

Found *gasp* Calbee crackers in the Korean supermarket.

Empire State Building looks amazing.

Laughed like maniacs at the Baby Gap mannequins in the display window.

Seriously. Could not stop laughing.

Lovely pink tulips scattered all over K-town.

Today's weather was so magnificently warm that we just had to run and play outside.

More spring blooms.

Actual insects!

The best part of today is a tie between a crazy water balloon fight after track practice and bible study in the evening.

This was the first bible study we've had in a few weeks because of various things that came up before. Although something inside me seemed to be fighting against going there today, I came out of it feeling refreshed and glad to be among other Christians again.

We talked about so many things, I can't even begin to transcribe our conversations. But one of the messages that really stood out to me was about trials and temptations. Why?

I found out why when I got back to my dorm room.

Things between my roommates and I really escalated tonight and I felt myself trembling from the great struggle I was going through. I can honestly say I've never felt this angry yet calm at the same time. While my mind sought peace, my flesh craved revenge and spite. My heart yearned for Christ but my hands were literally shaking from not typing out spiteful Facebook statuses to appease my anger.

We had another impromptu roommate meeting which, in my opinion did not start well at all. But by the end of it, I felt God just rest His peace upon my heart. My anger went away and I left humbled by the situation.

It was really quite strange. One moment I felt so overwhelmed by anger that my heart was beginning to hurt. After praying in my head to God to help me (I did this almost unconsciously... it was like my spirit prayed without any words), I suddenly saw my roommate through new eyes. I no longer hated her nor was I looking for things to accuse her with. I just wanted to soothe things over and I could feel my heart just change towards her.

So miraculous. My God is an Awesome God!

I do all this because I love You dear God. You are the only One worth living for. I can't live for myself anymore. My pride? What of it? My face? Dignity? Those things don't mean anything because they can never compare to knowing You. So what if I lose these battles? If You are with me, who can be against me? So Lord, I entrust my battles to You and I ask that Your hand will continue to be with me and upon me. Turn Your face towards me and keep me in Your favour at all times. I humble and quiet myself at Your feet. Save me from the wreck I am. Help me to remember that we fight not against flesh and blood, but against the powers and principalities of darkness. But You O Lord, who are in me, is greater than he who is in this world. Amen.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (James 1:2-4)

"Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless." (James 1:26)

Finally An Awesome Day

After handing in my paper yesterday morning, I finally felt as if a heavy weight has been lifted off my head. It's not the last paper of the semester, but it's the last paper that's been due one after another.

Although the weather outside was cold, cloudy and rainy, it was as if the clouds had begun to part inside my head and the sunlight was shining through.

The latter part of the school day passed just magnificently as I was inducted into the English Honours Society. I kind of regret now not joining the Economics Honours Society for certain reasons at the time, but hey at least I got this one on my resume.

At the induction ceremony, they had invited an SPC alumni who graduated as an English major to come speak to us about her time here. As a successful lawyer and writer, she said that she has no regrets about coming to this school because even though it's small and relatively unknown, her time here gave her the confidence that nobody else from all the Ivy Leagues had when she worked on Wall Street.

After giving it some thought, I realised that God had after all placed me in the best school– even better than any other school I could have picked for myself.

During my time here, despite all the things I complain about, I've been given the freedom to motivate myself in ways I never might've been given had I studied elsewhere. When the SPC alumni mentioned how she truly was able to just blossom confidently here, I realised that it was exactly how my time here has been.

Not only that, but I've had the benefit of having a few professors who, like the other teachers that have been stationed throughout my life, were genuinely interested in my development as a student and a person. When I was down, they encouraged me. When I was despondent, they gave me hope. They did not teach me in conventional ways but rather understood that what I needed wasn't so much a teacher but rather something else... that has no title.

I talk to friends who have gone to bigger, better, more prestigious universities and realise that I would never have had such professors had I followed in their footsteps.

How mysterious are God's ways...

Anyway, after an awesome day at practice and a bout of basketball yesterday afternoon, I ended up going with a whole bunch of friends to the nearby Kean University to play dodgeball.

It was a lot of fun! But because I've only had about two hours of sleep for the past two days in a row, I was starting to droop off to sleep on the floor.

Afterwards we went to a diner for some late night nourishment.

Trackies!

By the time my pancakes arrived (these are my friend's pancakes by the way... haha), my mind was so lost up in a dreamy alternate reality. I got home around midnight, thanked God sincerely for this awesome stress-free day and sank into my bed.

Finally, for the first time in I forget how long, I got to sleep in- and I did. For almost twelve hours straight!

I have more papers coming up next week, but I know now the worst is over. Yet at the same time, I'm also aware of how fast graduation is creeping up on me. Although school is stressful and all, I can't help but think about how much I will miss it when I leave. So no matter how much homework I get or how tired I get at track practice, I am going to give it my all and just enjoy every moment, whether good or bad, that God has given to me.

On another note, about my roommate situation, we haven't really bumped into each other since the last meeting. However when I come home and I see one of them here, I will say hi to her and she usually smiles back and says hello in return. I'd say all in all, things are good on my end. I feel that much stronger after God has brought me through that fire.

I feel like singing...

On His wings, on His shoulders

I stand and rejoice!

Major Conviction

I am so overwhelmed in spirit right now... My heart is pounding and the tears just keep welling.

I just came from a much-dreaded roommate meeting a few minutes ago where my roommates told me that 1) I haven't been contributing to the cleaning and 2) the way I talk is offensive sometimes- especially the way I make off-coloured jokes.

Do I disagree? No. I knew about the cleaning situation (I really haven't been cleaning and I was the one to initiate the cleaning contract) and I know I have overstepped my boundaries in the way that I spoke to my roommates on several occasions. Not just my roommates but just to other people in general. She mentioned that other people talk behind my back about how I say these things that are just so retarded that they make a joke out of how I am Christian.

Oh God that you would just rip this mouth from me! Why do I say things that are just so inconceivably wrong? The guilt that tears through my heart immediately afterwards! People speak of strength but they don't know what kind of strength it takes to walk out of my room, convicted in spirit to the point where I can barely look at my roommates without feeling judgment upon my head.

I have been dreading this meeting all week because I knew that I would be severely tempted to react negatively against all the accusations that would be flung at me. So before I went out to the living room, I prayed that God would just send His Holy Spirit to be with me.

It is true that God will never test you beyond what you can handle.

At one point in the meeting, I was just fighting an urge to slap my roommate in the face and scream "you hypocrite!"

I know right... How very hypocritical of me.

But I hung on to God's Word. I asked for a humble spirit and submitted myself to their demands no matter how unjust or unfair I felt them to be. It was really, really, really, really difficult. For lack of a better adjective. And when my roommate accused me of not living up to my Christian standards (you talk about this and that but you don't even do it yourself), I felt as if I could die.

I literally felt as if a millstone was hung around my neck. Have I caused my roommates to stumble Lord? Is it because of me that they are not drawn to the gospel? I could not fathom it.

So I submitted myself and admitted my wrongs. God gave me the strength to refrain from dwelling on their faults and instead focus on mine.

The meeting ended with me agreeing to their requests and also for us to have platonic relationships from now on. I am just too afraid of saying anything else that may offend them. I think I just need to set that kind of clear boundaries to prevent anymore damage.

I am not sure how they felt about my apologies for being an ass and a hypocrite; I couldn't tell from their expressions... But inside I am so ripped apart. I feel like I really let Christ down in this apartment. I feel so unworthy of His name. I just want to crawl away into a hole and disappear.

I know God disciplines those He loves, but why is it so heavy?

Dear God... I will be still and know that You are God. I will be silent and hide myself away in shame. But I ask that You will work a miracle in my life and cleanse me of this offensive mouth and give me spirit of kindness and forgiveness. Give me grace and fill my heart with love to the overflowing, so that I may not be ashamed because Your perfect love drives out all fear of judgment. Lord help me not to focus on the past, but to live in the present. Thank You for opening my eyes to what I have been doing and saying and continue to humble my spirit. I ask all this in gratefulness... Jehovah Tsidkenu, You are my righteousness! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Now I wish I could I say I am going to bed, but I'm actually going to write a five page history paper...

:)