The Deepest Void

Today was an unproductive day. I did a lot, but accomplished so little. It did not feel good- that unpleasant, almost-there, half-past-six feeling. Yet I let it build up until I did something I shouldn't have done. Out of frustration, out of emptiness, out of hurt, out of discontent.

I should have run to Him, but I felt so unmotivated. Unloved, almost, I think... Then I heard the Great Counsellor ask me:

"Why do you feel unloved?"

I looked within and realized that I had been feeling upset recently because of the way certain people perceived me. I felt misunderstood and disliked. I wanted to explain myself to them, to explain away the feelings of insecurity and hurt, but I couldn't. I was seeking approval from men and not God. I kept seeking and seeking, not realizing that I was drifting from His loving gaze.

I distracted myself with fun things, but the pain remained. I tried to fill the void with food, intellectual stimulation, friendships and even my marriage and kids, but they did nothing but tire me out.

"Why do these people exist? The ones who keep misunderstanding me? The haters who keep hating despite not really knowing?"

The moment I asked that question, I heard His gentle whisper again...

"If not for these people existing in your life, would you come back to me?"

Yes. Without these so-called "haters" constantly appearing and reappearing in my life, I might have been stuck with shallow satisfaction gained from human relationships. I would have been deceived into thinking that men's approval is attainable and enough. But of course, that isn't true. The truth is, I am in desperate need of Jesus. He is the only one who can fill the void in me. He is the only one whose opinion really matters at the end of the day. Not even my own opinion has any place in this world.

Dear Jesus, help me to come back to You each time, and quickly. Let me not stray from your rod and staff because I need Your comfort. You are the only true source of peace and contentment in this world. Help me to seek You and find satisfaction in You alone.

Daily Struggle With Temptation

When Jesus was tempted for forty days in the wilderness, he said this:

"It is written: 'Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God" (Matthew 4:4)

And in the Lord's prayer, we ask God to "give us this day our daily bread".


These days, I'm feeling more and more like Elijah, who hid from Jezebel in a ravine. Because of the drought and famine, he had to be fed by ravens sent by God daily. Imagine having to wait for your food to appear out from the sky, brought to you by mere birds! Hungry, alone and cold. Elijah probably had to struggle on a day to day basis with trusting God.

This morning, Ann wrote me a message regarding my current spiritual battle. One thing she said really resounded with me. She said that "this is more a question about your trust in Him to meet your needs than just about this..."

Why is it so difficult to let go even though I know that there are a pair of Almighty arms to catch me and lift me up?

I liken it to skating at the skate park. It's like, I know that my body reflexes can handle the drop. I know that I have safety guards and everything on. There's nothing that could go wrong unless I chicken out during the drop. But still, I feel my heart pounding hard with fear each time I approach the edge of the 15 feet high bowl.

Dear Lord Jesus, I know that Your plans for me are to prosper me and not to harm me. Plans to give me a hope and a future. Help me to embrace Your plans wholly. Help me to trust in Your provision and grace. Give me each day my daily bread so that I won't faint. I know You will see me through this valley!

Denying Myself For Christ

I am still struggling with my feelings. I can't shake them, but God has been faithful to keep me standing. 

There were nights when I would be tempted with such thoughts: 

"the best is already come, if you miss this opportunity, you will lose everything"

"it's okay, God doesn't mind"

"it's not even that serious, don't take it so seriously"

I would lie in my bed with tears flowing down my cheeks, because I half-believed those thoughts. I pitied myself and I felt sorry for how weak I was. I felt robbed of joy and peace. Nothing seemed to go right. 

I knew that I had to give it up, but still my heart held on so tightly. 

But God reminded me of His laws; His everlasting laws that guide our paths. It was God's Word and His laws that saved me from death all those years ago, and once more, it was His laws that would point me back to true north. I could not turn my back to that. 

I started to think about the impact of my reckless thoughts and actions on others. 

I realised that even though I thought I was being considerate the whole time, I was still falling short. 

This battle is intense, but I am encouraged hourly by the Lord. He is faithful to me even as I feel faithless. 

Let this post be a reminder to me in the future.... 

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning. Great is Thy faithfulness!" (Lamentations 3:22-23)

Weakness

Remember that feeling of having just cleaned up your room? The floors are sparkling, books and things are put away, the dirty clothes are in the laundry where they belong and the windows are open to a gentle fresh breeze. 

However a week goes by, and a little pile of dirty clothes starts to grow in the corner like an infestation. Another week, and the floors start to feel mucky, but you don't notice it immediately. In a month, a funny stained odor hangs about the bed but you are the only one who can't smell it. 

In a way, I feel like my walk with God has come to this point. 

I've let other things distract me and cloud my vision. Fear and anxiety have crept into my thoughts and estranged me from the truth. I live with less and less conviction each passing day. 

But last night, He spoke to me. 

I did not realise I needed a major clean up until God pointed out how disgusting my room had become. I've ignored the stains for far too long and I know I cannot continuing living this way before I fall sick. To top it off, I've been shoving all these things under the carpet instead of fervently praying to God to help me. Though it's quite obvious that I cannot help myself... 

All these walls that I've built, it's time to tear them down. 

"I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron" (Isaiah 45:2) 

Dear Lord Jesus, I am so weak, there isn't a single thing I can do without you sustaining me. I pray that you will remove my false pride and strength, scrubbing clean the floors and walls of my heart. I ask that you would teach me genuine humility so that I will submit to your every Word. I praise Your name because You are the sustainer and giver of Life. Amen.

Eating Food

Ran out of cash for lunch today and had to wing it with a sandwich from 7eleven. Tasted like I was eating cardboard paper really. Should've gone with instant noodles instead!

Gosh, in Singapore, we are so spoiled for choice when it comes to food. I could literally think about having Greek, Brazilian or Korean cuisine for dinner tonight and be able to fulfil that thought without fuss. Sometimes though, I would like to go for days just eating plain porridge or flavourless noodles. Guess sometimes you just tire of all the variety. 

In a way, the past few months have felt like that to me, spiritually-speaking. I've been out and about, running, working, doing... never really pausing. 

I'm not sure when I felt started feeling tired. My brain just doesn't seem to recognise that word, until my body does. After falling sick last weekend and being forced to LIE STILL, I realised what a whirlwind I've made my life to be. 

I guess my greatest challenge this year is for me to actually be still. 

Let's just say that I am not naturally inclined, to recline. 

I'm the kind of person who shakes my leg when I'm talking to someone. My idea of a relaxing day comprises of going to the beach somewhere and jumping in and out of the water for a few hours. Most people just want to lie in bed. In theory, I will say that I want to lie in bed too, but I know that in real life, that won't last for long. My legs will start itching within half an hour and then I'll be grabbing my skates or running off somewhere. 

I just don't know how to stop!

Unfortunately, my body and spirit runs just like a car. After my body ran out of fuel last week, I started to feel my soul run out of fuel too. I haven't felt this way in a really long time- somewhat depressed, empty, strange, just... off. The last time I felt this way was right before I started attending church again. 

As I crawled into bed last night, I felt God whisper to me that the origin of this "off" feeling lies in my not being still and spending more time with him.

See, as we grow and mature as Christians, our dependence on Christ grows as well. Before, I used to be able to live off small morsels of God's Word daily, but now, I realised that I need more. Kinda like how a teenager eats more food than a baby. So essentially, the amount of spiritual food that I used to eat is no longer sufficient for me. And to top it off, I've not been eating quite as much as I used to. 

I'll be trying to spend more time with God now, because I know I can't live my life without His voice speaking into it. If I ever walk far from His side, there is nothing for me out there but darkness. I've been in that darkness and I know I never want to return to that sad place again. 

He Hears Me

Last night as I was lying in bed, I started getting depressed thinking about stuff. Worry, guilt, despair and impatience overwhelmed me. I wish I could list the things that bothered me, but strangely, I can't seem to outline any specific thing. Through my tears, I felt the Holy Spirit gently remind me that all these spring from being discontented. 

At that moment, I knew what I should do, but I didn't do it. 

"Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do but doesn't do it, sins." (James 4:17)

I knew I should pick up God's Word and start letting His light shine into my darkness, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Finally, exhausted from avoiding God via Bejewelled Blitz and Kdrama, I fell asleep. 

This morning, I read the July 6th devotion in Oswald Chamber's My Utmost For His Highest. It was as direct a word from God as direct could get. The devotion talks about receiving a vision from God (ditto), and God bringing you into the valley to shape you into the person that fits that vision. 

Over the past month at House of Bread, we've been talking about how God led the Israelites out of Egypt and into the wilderness. It was a beautiful time of testing and teaching the Israelites how to become a community dependent on God, so that they could become His ambassadors to the world. 

Similar to my situation, those Israelites were also given a vision- one of the Promised Land. They were then led into a spiritual "valley" when they were in the desert. And it was during those 40 years in the desert that God tested them, moulded them, pruned them, until they were totally in love with Him. 

I felt that this morning's devotion was God's way of telling me:

I'm still here, and I'm still working on you.

Be patient. Wait for me.

Be content in me.

You're in the desert now and you will experience hardship, but all this is for your GOOD. 

Trust me. 

Dear Lord Jesus, thank you for your timely words again this morning. Thank you for restoring peace into my heart. It is a peace that is not dependent on outside circumstances. Help me to rejoice in you, regardless of whether I am on the mountaintop or in the valley. May I never stray far from you, but always return to your throne of rest, in trust and obedience. Help me not to run away from your voice, but to turn to your Word immediately when I hear your voice calling me. In Jesus' name, Amen.