Don't Speak

I've been thinking... 

Sometimes it's easy to feel like you're being judged too quickly. 

These are some examples of what people who hardly know me have said to me recently (if you recognise any of these are your own words, please don't be offended, because I wasn't, and I'm not naming names! So it may not be you...)

"oh, you must not know what it's like in America"

"oh, you must not know where Marine Parade is 'cause you sound ang moh"

"yeah your parents give you a huge allowance right?"

"you must club a lot"

"you're still young, you need to date some people first and get more experience before making decisions"

......

There's always this overwhelming urge to justify myself. Sometimes, I get real fired up in conversations with other people who assume I have no knowledge about what they're talking about. Inside, I'm burning to say: "you idiot, I've been doing that way longer than you! I've experienced it firsthand and you have no idea what you're talking about!" 

Always always, that desire to prove that I am RIGHT and they are WRONG. To show that I am KNOWLEDGEABLE and they are IGNORANT. 

I think my pride has been getting out of hand recently. 

I find myself speaking out of place, at the wrong time. Butting into overheard conversations, offering unwelcome advice and barging into business not my own. 

Isn't it I, whose been the one judging prematurely this whole time? Does it not take one judgmental person to know another?

James 3:8 says "but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison." How true a description this has been of my tongue recently!

Dear God, I pray that You will tame this restless evil in my mouth. As a human being, I am not capable of controlling my tongue, let alone my thoughts! So I pray that whatever I think, speak or do will be brought under Your supreme authority. That everything that comes forth from this vessel (my body) will be a blessing to others, edifying and loving in every way. Give me more grace! Give me a spirit of patience, humility, kindness and love. I lay myself low before Your throne O God! If there is any prideful way in me, I ask that You will tear it down, never to be built up again. May I count as loss all things, but boast in Christ alone! Help me to remember that nothing in this short life really matters except doing Your will. Let nothing affect my gaze except to lavish it on Your face dear Jesus! In Your name, Amen. 

Corruption

I know well my tendency towards pride.

I know that I have a knack for making myself sound or look 10x better than in reality. And I enjoy attention- the more the better! (It's really the reason why I started this blog in 2006...)

To some, my arrogance may come off as confidence. To the more discerning who cannot be fooled, a stench.

One of the hardest things for me to do ever is to humble myself. To not talk someone else down to make myself look/feel better. To admit that I am wrong. To apologise without agenda and to sit quietly in a corner. Those are all things that I have to constantly work on with all my heart, mind and strength. Inside is always a raging battle against malicious gossip, self-righteous denial and selfish agendas.

And to be honest, I'm afraid of that old me resurfacing again when I move back to Singapore. That ol' prideful, arrogant, showoff-ish me.

You know, one of the thoughts that popped into my head when I saw our new house actually went something along the lines of: "I can't wait to show this gorgeous place off."

Really?

Yeah, no. Really. I really did think that.

I can't believe how retarded my thoughts can be sometimes.

Did I BUY this house? No! It's not even mine!

And so what if I live in a nice house? Anyone who saw the numbers in my bank account would never care to rob me. I don't even have a job!

And what do I gain from all this at the end of the day?

NOTHING.

In fact, I have so much more to lose when I give in to selfish thoughts like that. I lose my confidence in approaching Christ because I know my pride grieves Him. My senses become numbed as I start to live in the world again.

The world may care about such things; but now that Christ is in the picture, everything is different!

And things are different now.

I once was lost but now am found. Was blind but now I see!

Maybe when you woke up one morning as a born-again Christian, things haven't changed much. But for me, it has. And not only my lifestyle- but mostly in the deepest darkest thoughts of my heart.

See God doesn't care if I'm a goody-two-shoes in front of other people, "witnessing" to them out of my daily life. What He truly cares about is my heart, because what my heart thinks and feels will eventually overflow into my daily actions and habits.

If my heart were truly right with God, I would not have to struggle with being a better person. Because "being a better person" is not my goal. If my heart were truly right with God, I'd obey Him not because I have to, but because I want to. Whatever hurts God, hurts me. Whatever makes Him cringe, makes me cringe.

So when the Holy Spirit looks into my heart and sees prideful selfish thoughts as these, He grieves- and I grieve right along with Him.

I hate these thoughts of mine. They make my flesh crawl. And the thought of ever going back to that selfish life again makes me feel like vomiting.

Dear Lord Jesus, keep watch over my thoughts and ways. Let me not be like a dog that returns to its vomit or like a pig that goes back to wallowing in the mud. Purify my thoughts and help me to love you with all I've got. Don't let me stumble in any way but help me to always be honest. May my lips never speak lies, exaggerations or misinformation. May they always be filled with thanksgiving, truth and pleasant words! In Jesus' Name I pray, Amen.

Master Of None

All my life, I've always had teachers, friends and coaches tell me that I've got talent, potential and whatnot.

But I never achieved any greatness in sports, academics or anything else that I may have had a gift in.

And to be honest, I am grateful for that.

Why?

Because I don't have the kind of humility needed to be great in something.

I finally realised that while watching Without Limits about Prefontaine. It's probably my tenth time watching the entire movie through but this time, as I watched Pre do his first victory lap at Hayward Field, it struck me that I do not have the kind of character nor integrity to handle success like that. Not right now at least.

I'd probably have my head blown up with pride and the last thing I'd think about is thanking God. So, knowing that, He's never allowed me to become truly good at any single one thing in life- even though I have the potential.

How great are the depths of His knowledge!