Corruption

I know well my tendency towards pride.

I know that I have a knack for making myself sound or look 10x better than in reality. And I enjoy attention- the more the better! (It's really the reason why I started this blog in 2006...)

To some, my arrogance may come off as confidence. To the more discerning who cannot be fooled, a stench.

One of the hardest things for me to do ever is to humble myself. To not talk someone else down to make myself look/feel better. To admit that I am wrong. To apologise without agenda and to sit quietly in a corner. Those are all things that I have to constantly work on with all my heart, mind and strength. Inside is always a raging battle against malicious gossip, self-righteous denial and selfish agendas.

And to be honest, I'm afraid of that old me resurfacing again when I move back to Singapore. That ol' prideful, arrogant, showoff-ish me.

You know, one of the thoughts that popped into my head when I saw our new house actually went something along the lines of: "I can't wait to show this gorgeous place off."

Really?

Yeah, no. Really. I really did think that.

I can't believe how retarded my thoughts can be sometimes.

Did I BUY this house? No! It's not even mine!

And so what if I live in a nice house? Anyone who saw the numbers in my bank account would never care to rob me. I don't even have a job!

And what do I gain from all this at the end of the day?

NOTHING.

In fact, I have so much more to lose when I give in to selfish thoughts like that. I lose my confidence in approaching Christ because I know my pride grieves Him. My senses become numbed as I start to live in the world again.

The world may care about such things; but now that Christ is in the picture, everything is different!

And things are different now.

I once was lost but now am found. Was blind but now I see!

Maybe when you woke up one morning as a born-again Christian, things haven't changed much. But for me, it has. And not only my lifestyle- but mostly in the deepest darkest thoughts of my heart.

See God doesn't care if I'm a goody-two-shoes in front of other people, "witnessing" to them out of my daily life. What He truly cares about is my heart, because what my heart thinks and feels will eventually overflow into my daily actions and habits.

If my heart were truly right with God, I would not have to struggle with being a better person. Because "being a better person" is not my goal. If my heart were truly right with God, I'd obey Him not because I have to, but because I want to. Whatever hurts God, hurts me. Whatever makes Him cringe, makes me cringe.

So when the Holy Spirit looks into my heart and sees prideful selfish thoughts as these, He grieves- and I grieve right along with Him.

I hate these thoughts of mine. They make my flesh crawl. And the thought of ever going back to that selfish life again makes me feel like vomiting.

Dear Lord Jesus, keep watch over my thoughts and ways. Let me not be like a dog that returns to its vomit or like a pig that goes back to wallowing in the mud. Purify my thoughts and help me to love you with all I've got. Don't let me stumble in any way but help me to always be honest. May my lips never speak lies, exaggerations or misinformation. May they always be filled with thanksgiving, truth and pleasant words! In Jesus' Name I pray, Amen.