One Month Into The Move

I should probably be sleeping, but my thoughts are keeping my tired body awake as usual. The move has been going very smoothly so far with plenty of answered prayers. If anything, the past four years of marriage and moving has truly solidified my belief that God ALWAYS provides EXACTLY what we need at exactly the RIGHT TIME. I wake up each day knowing that without Him, I cannot make a single decision nor get through the day.

A few things have been bothering me however.

First of all, this feeling that I need to get a new Bible won't go away. Yet I can't seem to get a clear answer on which version I should be getting. The one that I've used this whole time has some torn pieces and the publisher doesn't print the version anymore.

Secondly, moving back in with my mom has really put a strain back on our relationship. We do just fine when we are miles apart. But our polar-opposite personalities seem to throw us into conflicts every few minutes. I've been working on having self-control with what I say and how I behave when I am irked. However, it hasn't been easy and I find myself mentally and emotionally drained each day with no privacy and space to recharge. The good news is, we'll be moving in to our own place this week. Hopefully I can put that "privacy and space" to good use and start being a "good daughter" again.

Thirdly, I've been feeling (again, "feeling". All deez feelingz!) lonely in communities of people. This includes church. I just feel like I don't belong and that nobody understands. I don't feel like any group of people like or can accept the real genuine me at the moment. This feeling drives me to withdraw further. I suppose this is why I haven't been posting much on social media- because I feel like people just won't "get it'.

Is it me? Is this a temporary feeling? What are you trying to teach me here, Lord?

Ok as I typed that, this verse came to mind: "Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me." (John 15:4 ESV)

Hmm.....

Leaving Pru

My resignation letter was handed in on the 1st of August. As I surrendered my work authorization card, I couldn't help but look back fondly on the past four years that I spent working as a financial consultant. The feelings of sadness and nostalgia took me by surprise.

All those days of doing roadshows and meeting up with people. The late nights spent studying for the exams. The synthetic leathery smell as I passed clients their new policy documents in a folder. The acquaintances made in Pru's bustling hallways and conference halls. The sense of accomplishment I felt after receiving my biggest paycheck ever. The sense of fulfilment I felt after completing a claim for a client. The profound sadness knowing that money cannot bring back a life or restore health.

I learnt so much about people, about myself, business, financial planning and about the world in general. I feel simultaneously older from the experience and yet younger by the passion this work has inspired in me.

Looking back, I now see that being a financial consultant wasn't just a job- it was a real privilege. I got a front row seat to the lives of people. I got to know them in a personal way that many others won't. I was paid fairly; according to my efforts. I had so much to gain in terms of knowledge and experience. I was making an impact.

Insurance agents have such a misunderstood role. I am glad that I was on that side of the fence once.

It has been a real privilege.

Thank you.

Meaningful Conversations

After these past few weeks of constant meetups, I found myself craving deeper and more meaningful conversations. I get to have these every once in a while with J, but the problem is that he's not a big talker. It takes a lot of energy for me to tease out something more than a few sentences out of that mysterious mind of his.

When I say "deeper and more meaningful", I don't mean to downplay the importance of catching up. Sharing with each other the realities and going-ons in each other's life. But at some point, I do want to discuss topics less "anchoring" in nature. For example, "do you think mankind is really moving forwards or backwards?" or "is there are point to everything you're doing in life right now?"

I suppose to some people, such topics are neither deep nor meaningful. But they are to me, because these questions drive answers that lay the foundation for everything we do in life.

I want to know the essence of you- the whys behind what you do. The thought processes that simmer beneath the facade of how you live life or even what you wear.

But as the years grow and my social circles widen and recede, I've come to find that most people aren't good or even average conversationalists. And before I come across as being judgmental, the way I've found this out is mostly because of my own journey to become a better conversationalist.

I've since discovered that I am not a great listener. I let words fall on my ears, but I did not bother to clarify or mirror what people said before quickly forming conclusions in my mind, then responding to those (usually inaccurate) conclusions. Such listening habits led to many misunderstandings. And those misunderstandings are the basis of many a failed conversation.

In order for someone to properly reply to what I'm saying, they need to first understand exactly what I'm saying. That is a tall order for most of us today with short attention spans. I personally could take up to fifteen minutes to properly communicate a single point that I'm trying to get across. If someone came to a conclusion before I even reached the culmination of my point, it would be an opportunity for misinterpretation and unhappiness at being misunderstood on my part.

Also, the way in which we have conversations nowadays swing between two extremes- one, of not saying what you really want to say in order to avoid disagreement (because conflict avoidant types tend to feel that disagreement is the end of the world), thereby causing even more misunderstandings. The other extreme would be to speak too quickly and decisively without first ruminating over what you are saying.

I know very few people in my life with whom I can have a life-giving conversation with. The kind of conversation that you walk away from feeling all the better for it. It makes me sad that this is the case and I also wonder if I can be that kind of conversationalist with and for someone else.

Tiong Bahru & Moving

I was just watching a traditional Chinese funeral procession go past my window. A few old folks came to their windows and took a peep too. These song lyrics came to mind:

Goodbye my friend it's hard to die
When all the birds are singing in the sky
Now that spring is in the air

Where I live now in Tiong Bahru presents an odd mix of people. There are two main groups living in the SIT estate. Either very old folks who still speak in dialect, or young rich expats. There are hardly any locals until you cross over to the newer HDBs along Boon Tiong Road.

Singapore as I knew it, as my father and my grandfather before me knew it no longer exists. The roads we used to know and the buildings now stand only in our memory. In the past, if you'd asked me what I missed about Singapore while overseas, I would have told you that I missed the people, the food and some places where I used to hang out. 

Presently, my loved ones are scattered across the globe. All the places that I used to hang out (which is the whole of Singapore) have changed drastically. The food I used to love in my childhood too, either closed down or had its flavor changed. In short, there are very few things here that I will miss. And I am sure that in five years time, most of those things will disappear too in the usual pattern.

I am sad but I know this world is not my home. My grandparents and great-grandparents did not come to Singapore because they thought they'd get rich here. They fled here to escape religious and/or political persecution from abroad, as refugees. Singapore wasn't even a country in her own right then. And yet the Lord has blessed us with growing material comforts over the generations, culminating in mine.

If they had not made the courageous decision to move, life would be very different for us right now. I probably would not exist.

I am still not entirely sure why God would have us move again to another continent. It seems as though we are drifting further away from our countries of origin. But what does that matter in the end? It is not the starting point, but rather the finishing line that we look to.

"By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. By faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents, as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God...... All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they left, they would have opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country- a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them." (Hebrews 11:8-10, 13-16) 

Thoughts On Life & Moving

Every single time I get an urge to write, I feel like creating a new blog. My hands start itching to pull out one of my many new and unused diaries. But I don't, because I know that after that first entry, the diary would likely lie unused for the next few years. I'd also forget the password to my new blog and never write another post.

So here I am, back again...

Life is moving at the speed of life. If I dwell on the past, it seems to move too quickly. Swing my gaze into the future and it seems to move at snail's pace. For this year, God's been really teaching me to live in the present. To savor each bite, to enjoy the rainy day at home, to look at the people I walk past daily. J told me that I always seem to rush from one place to another, only to melt in exhaustion at the end of the day. It makes everyday life seem so meaningless and miserable.

The thing is, I am always thinking about opportunities and possibilities. I never want a moment to go to waste, so I try to capitalise on every second I've got- only to end up wasting all of it because I never bothered to pause and enjoy the moment. Everyday is a GO day for me.

I've been thinking about why God wants us to move back to the States at this point of time. I enjoy my work and the community of family and friends that has been established here over the years. Logically, I know that it would be better for our family to migrate at this point so that we can raise our kids the way I believe I should. But still I long to know the deeper meaning. I want to know WHY this (God's) plan is so perfect?! From experience, I know God may reveal His higher purposes to me, yet this usually comes in hindsight. If I were to know the answer now, it would rob me of the chance to exercise my faith.

I am so grateful for the past six years spent here. I've met so many wonderful people and forged deeper friendships with both old and new acquaintances. I met my husband and had two children. I've changed so much as a person. I feel older and younger at the same time.

Part of me worries that J might pick a state to move to that I will dislike. Hmm... I guess that's why He wants me to learn contentment and enjoyment in the moment right now. Because if I can't savor where I'm at in life right now, wolfing bits of it down will eventually make me choke. Besides, J might make a choice, but I know it is God who directs our path......

For The Future Generations

We are living in a world of "information" now and in order to attain "success", it may seem imperative to become as knowledgeable as possible. However, knowledge, to me, is a leveller. And besides, Google.

What will make you stand out in time to come is not necessarily having the most knowledge. I propose three things (that unfortunately one may not be able to learn in a traditional school system):

1) Discernment- The ability to notice the fine-point details, the ability to judge something well or the ability to understand and comprehend something. (Yourdictionary.com)

Imagine having 100 dinner options to choose from and 5 vastly different and hungry friends to placate. Your life is on the line. Discernment will help you sieve through all the information to make the right decision.

2) Wisdom- The ability to know what is true or right, common sense or the collection of one's knowledge.

(Yourdictionary.com)

Why is knowing what is "true" or "right" important? Because by definition, what is "true" (faithful; loyal; constant) does not change. What is true today will be true tomorrow as it was yesterday. If you can use your discernment to sieve through the noise, it will also take wisdom to identify what is "good" and "beneficial" for the long-term. 

3) Humility- the state or quality of being humble; absence of vanity or excessive pride.

(Yourdictionary.com)

I was going to write "good manners" at first, but then as I thought longer about this point, I decided that Humility was the best way to put it. You may be well-mannered on the outside, but only out of selfish pride or fear. Many people are perceptive. They can smell fake from across the galaxy. Therefore, I concluded that humility is the base ingredient for any genuine good social behavior anywhere in the world. In relation to the original point of this writing, true humility and subsequent good manners will make you stand out from the others who are equally knowledgeable, smart and wise. Given a choice between having a relationship with a sea urchin and a golden lab, most people would pick the golden lab. 

How as a parent, can I equip my children with these qualities that I believe can help them better navigate and adapt to the world they were born into? What if I am not particularly discerning, wise or humble?

The first thing I would think to do, is to learn more about what constitutes discernment, wisdom or humble. I would surround myself with any person, book, experience, movie, etc that can teach me more about these values.

Secondly, practice makes perfect. What better way to learn than to put these values into practice as and when you can? The other benefit of this is that as I practice these values, my child can watch me make mistakes and recover. He can then learn from my mistakes instead of making them on his own.

Thirdly, I would encourage my child to exercise these values alongside myself. In every little action- even putting his toys away (at a young age), I could surely have him practice discernment (where to put what), wisdom (why to put what where) and humility/good manners (why to put what where so as to benefit others besides myself in the long run).

Some Thoughts

So many things have happened in the past few months. A two month visit to the States, a move out of my in-laws' to our own rental apartment, as well as some other things going on in my mind which I will talk about later. 

Brendan is currently 9.5 months old. He's able to pull himself up to standing position and take little steps while holding on to our hands. He's very observant and responsive, smiling when we talk to him, or angry when I am too tired to pick him up for the zillionth time. I spend my days looking forward to his nap time which I use to do housework or other miscellaneous things. Yet I also spend his nap times looking forward to seeing once again his bright round face peeking at me through the slats of his cot. It's a strange see-saw between tiredness and desire.

Today is my dad's birthday. I have been thinking a lot about my parents ever since I became a parent myself. What went through their minds as they once contemplated giving me up for adoption? What were their considerations back then as passionate young adults? Their hopes and dreams for themselves and for me... Did they have any for me? Or was the see-saw mostly slanted toward the side of weariness, a sense of hopelessness about their future? I try not to think too much about it because I now I know too much about my parents' personality (partially thanks to MBTI) to be positive about all these questions. I know the truth, but I don't really want to believe it.

I don't want to believe it, because I know that the moment I do, I will stop being able to dream big dreams for my children. I find that I am only able to dream big dreams for my children if I believe that my own dreams are attainable. But quite honestly, I have never given wings to any of my dreams. I have never believed that any of my grand visions could ever come true because deep inside, I know nobody ever believed in me. I suppose the outward passion I sometimes display comes from a deep-seated notion that if I strive hard enough, surely the stars will align and things will fall into place. But that has not been so and I am now twenty-six years wrong. 

Still, I won't blame my parents or circumstances for what I take to be a rather bland and useless life. I'm a mother now. I feed my young and that is all. What of purpose? The Lord decides. It's depressing not to know while I live on, what in the world am I actually good at and should be doing. The Bible gives us the clichė answer: Love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your mind and all your soul.

Most days, I feel like a terrible Christian. I have a black eye from my last fight with Jerry and I'm not proud of it. He says we'll work on our temper. I've honestly lost my hope in him. I don't really have anything to show for my "christian life" these days other than my tendency to weep my eyes out to God, wailing about things and pleading for a way out of pain. Bible study? Going to church? Reading the Bible? Is this the recipe I am to follow for the rest of my life? Step one, step two, step three... Voilà! A perfectly baked cake. What if I don't want to be a cake?

I want to be a wild goat, standing on a beautiful mountain somewhere. Hopping from crag to crag, death below and life above. Hopping from crag to crag, light-footed and light-hearted. 

Is this not for me?

Monday

Well, what can I say? Life in Singapore has been awesome so far. I wake up in the morning, silence the alarm, do nothing for almost the whole morning, walk around, meet up with a friend or two for dinner, then go home and sleep. I seem to do very little, but my mind is going crazy with all this thinking about this, that, and everything. 

A few things I've been thinking about today... 

1. My conversations with Talia about our future marriages (Will it ever come for us? Are we doing the right things? Will it happen a few years or when we're 50?!)
2. The reason why a lot of people seem to hate me even though I've always been nice to them (or at least I think I've been nice to them!)
3. The kind of job I'll be working this time next year
4. How patient God is with a loser like me... 
5. How Singaporeans may slow down their lives in such a cosmopolitan country
6. If people can hear my music through my headphones in a quiet lift

Okay, on the way home today, this one thing was really bothering me...

I know because I'm tall and dark, I tend to stand out (literally) in a crowd. So it's not uncommon for people to stare at me. But to be honest, I really don't enjoy all this eyeball attention. In the U.S., it wasn't so bad. Mostly because I don't take public transport all the time. But in Singapore, I am always conscious of a zillion eyes staring at me everywhere I go, analyzing my appearance from my head to my toes. And often times, it's GIRLS who are staring, not guys! I can't seem to take the bus or train without constantly feeling like there are eyes boring holes into my back.

It's kind of unsettling and comes as a bit of a culture shock to me. 

I used to like people-watching, but I don't check out people nowadays, even if someone happens to catch my eye, because I personally hate being eyeballed- so now I don't wish this upon someone else!

Now I know why people (especially girls) are so much more self-conscious here. It's very sad. I used to be an advocate of dressing well, no matter the event, situation or time of day. But now, I wish that everyone would just walk around in shorts, tattered T-shirts and flip-flops instead. Perhaps if people felt more comfortable in public, they wouldn't be so uptight about every little thing. 

I have to constantly remind myself not to take little things personally nowadays. For example, it's not uncommon to have people stare rudely at you after you apologise for THEM bumping into you first. At first, I felt very indignant about this. But afterwards, I realised that if anything is going to change around here, it will have to begin with me. So I really have to work on being gracious and patient no matter what. 

I am in such great need of God each day. Everyday I see my need for His grace and presence growing. I know I should be spending more time reading His Word and praying, but it's so hard. Why is it so hard?!!

Help! 

Corruption

I know well my tendency towards pride.

I know that I have a knack for making myself sound or look 10x better than in reality. And I enjoy attention- the more the better! (It's really the reason why I started this blog in 2006...)

To some, my arrogance may come off as confidence. To the more discerning who cannot be fooled, a stench.

One of the hardest things for me to do ever is to humble myself. To not talk someone else down to make myself look/feel better. To admit that I am wrong. To apologise without agenda and to sit quietly in a corner. Those are all things that I have to constantly work on with all my heart, mind and strength. Inside is always a raging battle against malicious gossip, self-righteous denial and selfish agendas.

And to be honest, I'm afraid of that old me resurfacing again when I move back to Singapore. That ol' prideful, arrogant, showoff-ish me.

You know, one of the thoughts that popped into my head when I saw our new house actually went something along the lines of: "I can't wait to show this gorgeous place off."

Really?

Yeah, no. Really. I really did think that.

I can't believe how retarded my thoughts can be sometimes.

Did I BUY this house? No! It's not even mine!

And so what if I live in a nice house? Anyone who saw the numbers in my bank account would never care to rob me. I don't even have a job!

And what do I gain from all this at the end of the day?

NOTHING.

In fact, I have so much more to lose when I give in to selfish thoughts like that. I lose my confidence in approaching Christ because I know my pride grieves Him. My senses become numbed as I start to live in the world again.

The world may care about such things; but now that Christ is in the picture, everything is different!

And things are different now.

I once was lost but now am found. Was blind but now I see!

Maybe when you woke up one morning as a born-again Christian, things haven't changed much. But for me, it has. And not only my lifestyle- but mostly in the deepest darkest thoughts of my heart.

See God doesn't care if I'm a goody-two-shoes in front of other people, "witnessing" to them out of my daily life. What He truly cares about is my heart, because what my heart thinks and feels will eventually overflow into my daily actions and habits.

If my heart were truly right with God, I would not have to struggle with being a better person. Because "being a better person" is not my goal. If my heart were truly right with God, I'd obey Him not because I have to, but because I want to. Whatever hurts God, hurts me. Whatever makes Him cringe, makes me cringe.

So when the Holy Spirit looks into my heart and sees prideful selfish thoughts as these, He grieves- and I grieve right along with Him.

I hate these thoughts of mine. They make my flesh crawl. And the thought of ever going back to that selfish life again makes me feel like vomiting.

Dear Lord Jesus, keep watch over my thoughts and ways. Let me not be like a dog that returns to its vomit or like a pig that goes back to wallowing in the mud. Purify my thoughts and help me to love you with all I've got. Don't let me stumble in any way but help me to always be honest. May my lips never speak lies, exaggerations or misinformation. May they always be filled with thanksgiving, truth and pleasant words! In Jesus' Name I pray, Amen.