Breakthrough

Tonight, (or I guess, since it's 03:45 in the morning right now), yesterday night, God led me to a Bible study at T.J.'s house. The reason why I say that God led me there, is literally because I wasn't supposed to go because I didn't have a ride there. But at just the right time, God provided a ride! 

Truthfully, I felt very uncomfortable when I first got there. But that's a normal feeling, I guess, to be in a room surrounded by people you don't know, all facing each other and sharing deeply personal prayer requests. But once we started praying, I could just feel the Holy Spirit speaking through my thoughts and other people's prayers. His was such a familiar voice, yet such a voice! Many times during the night, He sent my heart racing with conviction, with rhema and with revelations. Even in my earthly discomfort, the Holy Spirit lifted me up in His arms and wrapped me in His garments of righteousness. 

Then, as if our conversation could not bear to end, I went home and just ate up God's Word in a way that I haven't in a long time. It touched my heart to see well-known verses spring to new life- injecting my soul with fresh perspective and renewed passion. 

This, this is the living water that I have been craving for! 

I have so much more to learn, to take hold of...... May I never feel as if I'm "already there"! 

Dear sweet Jesus, my soul faints and longs for You. There is none like You who satisfies my spirit. Your fullness, Your wholeness overwhelms me. You fill me to the bursting with good things from Your table. From Your throne Your living waters flow into my life, washing away all unclean things, healing all diseases and watering crops to bear a fruitful harvest for You. Better is one day in Your courts, one day in Your house than thousands elsewhere! I pray that I may always dwell in Your sanctuary. Never take Your Spirit from me, but put Your Spirit and heart in mine always. In Jesus' name, Amen! O Holy One of Israel, Jehovah Nissi my banner of Love, You alone are worthy to be praised and lifted up! 

Slow Fade

I am wondering what happened to me.

This time last year I was so passionate about Christ. It wouldn't take much to convince me to go to any Jesus-related event, talk about any Bible-related stuff or start some mission for God.

Yet today I sit slumped and stumped by my unwillingness to move.

This is the first Thursday that I've not held a Bible study at the school library. For some reason, I just feel more and more discouraged every time I think about things. I tell myself that God is able, but my heart just isn't quite believing it truly.

Is it because I've let God down in some way that I feel like this? Was it something I did or didn't do?

To be honest I couldn't even tell you what this feeling is called. There's just no adjective to describe it. "Lazy" doesn't quite cut it.

But I really really dislike this unproductive streak.

Dear Lord...... What's going on? I need to hear from You again. I need Your divine touch in my life again. Will you please reach out to me and show me the way? Where do I go from here?

Where......

"People never crumble in a day, it's a slow fade" -Casting Crowns

Oh I almost forgot.

When I was scrolling through Facebook, something suddenly caught my eye: it was a post that said "God does not choose the qualified, God qualifies the chosen" -Joselyn

As I read that, I just felt tears come to my eyes... But something in my mind seemed to question if the perfect timing of this message were just my imagination. This isn't the first time I've wavered on messages. Recently I really began to feel my faith challenged by thoughts like these. What if I were just imagining things? What if God didn't choose me? What if I am just "making it all up?"

A few Bible studys ago, we talked about how as a Christian grows closer to God, the temptations that will challenge his walk tend to veer from more "fleshly sins" like stealing, murder, etc. to things concerning lack of faith and spiritual doubting.

I find that I am becoming to be more of the latter. Yet God calls us to be as children if we want to enter the kingdom of heaven, not over-cynical adults.

You know what, I just need to log off right now and spend some time in prayer.

Bye.

Easter Time

Went to the Bronx on Thursday with girls from Bible study at school. We were there to visit Khadeen's mom in the hospital.

What a humbling experience it was, to be reminded that good health is a blessing from God. While we prayed together in the ICU, I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed by it all... The tubes, the smile in her mom's eyes despite the pain, Khadeen's quiet strength, our shuffling feet, the beeping machines... All the troubles in the world seemed to diminish in comparison to what I saw and felt.

I got home feeling drained from the four hour commute.

Drove back home from school on Saturday afternoon to play with the boys.

In the evening my mom and I went to Lowes to pick up some new flowers to plant in front of the house. She did all the digging because I hate earthworms.

This morning at Easter service, the pastor basically talked about Christ's resurrection giving us victory over death, sinful behaviour, etc.; it also gives us power over past sins and peace concerning the unknown future.

I guess what I've been feeling recently is inadequacy. I feel as if I don't deserve to come close to God, because of what happened between my roommates and I and various other things.

Every time I open the Bible, I read things like "and the Lord's servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful" (2 Timothy 2:24).

Verses like that just cut right to my heart when I think about how I have to battle with resentment and counting wrongs each time I see or hear my roommate in the dorm. Not only that, but I feel like I haven't been fed spiritual food recently because I haven't been surrounded by a lot of Christian friends. Instead, I've been hanging out with lots of anti-Christian lifestyle people in an effort to reach out to them.

After all this time, I feel like I am just drifting further and further away from God. I really don't want to end up in a place where I've become numb to sin.

In any case, the rest of the family just arrived for Easter dinner.

Gotta go!