I am wondering what happened to me.
This time last year I was so passionate about Christ. It wouldn't take much to convince me to go to any Jesus-related event, talk about any Bible-related stuff or start some mission for God.
Yet today I sit slumped and stumped by my unwillingness to move.
This is the first Thursday that I've not held a Bible study at the school library. For some reason, I just feel more and more discouraged every time I think about things. I tell myself that God is able, but my heart just isn't quite believing it truly.
Is it because I've let God down in some way that I feel like this? Was it something I did or didn't do?
To be honest I couldn't even tell you what this feeling is called. There's just no adjective to describe it. "Lazy" doesn't quite cut it.
But I really really dislike this unproductive streak.
Dear Lord...... What's going on? I need to hear from You again. I need Your divine touch in my life again. Will you please reach out to me and show me the way? Where do I go from here?
Where......
"People never crumble in a day, it's a slow fade" -Casting Crowns
Oh I almost forgot.
When I was scrolling through Facebook, something suddenly caught my eye: it was a post that said "God does not choose the qualified, God qualifies the chosen" -Joselyn
As I read that, I just felt tears come to my eyes... But something in my mind seemed to question if the perfect timing of this message were just my imagination. This isn't the first time I've wavered on messages. Recently I really began to feel my faith challenged by thoughts like these. What if I were just imagining things? What if God didn't choose me? What if I am just "making it all up?"
A few Bible studys ago, we talked about how as a Christian grows closer to God, the temptations that will challenge his walk tend to veer from more "fleshly sins" like stealing, murder, etc. to things concerning lack of faith and spiritual doubting.
I find that I am becoming to be more of the latter. Yet God calls us to be as children if we want to enter the kingdom of heaven, not over-cynical adults.
You know what, I just need to log off right now and spend some time in prayer.
Bye.
1 comment:
I was searching for the quote "what if God didn't choose me" and came across your post. I feel the exact same way sometimes. Strangely, I attend bible study on Thursdays, too. Lately I've been feeling disconnected to Him and wondering if I did something wrong. I mean, there's many things I could've done wrong to cause this separation I've been feeling, because I'm not perfect, but I wonder if there is something I need to be doing, or not doing, and if God is just trying to get my attention. Like you, (4 years ago) I've been lazy, but as ng everything but the word, because I fear I won't understand it without His spirit helping me to see, which I feel is so distant from me right now. I hope you were able to figure out the solution to your issue posted here. I pray you are still in the race and God has kept you. The point you made about transitioning from flesh sins to mind sins (in so may words) makes total sense. I know I didn't do anything for God to come unto my life and change me, so why do I feel like I can do something to make Him leave? I'm not saying it's OK to sin since there's nothing I can do to make Him leave me. His love and presence of truth in my soul CAUSES me to do right and try to, and causes me to feel bad when I do wrong. I don't know yiu, and don't know if you'll ever read this, but I believe God can instill my hope and prayers for you to you without you even having to read this. God bless you. Sorry for the rambling and incomplete sentences and thiughts. It's close to my bedtime. With love,
Aaashleyyyy@gmail.com
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