Housecleaning Thoughts

I just finished cleaning the entire apartment and I'm waiting for my laundry to get dry downstairs as I write.

The lethargic mood hasn't left me yet, but Khadeen is right- I should be doing all the things that I know I need to finish anyway. So I'm doing my laundry, cleaning the apartment and all that's left to do is to start reading the material on my law paper assignment.

I know these things won't exactly make me feel better per se, but they are just mundane things that have to be done no matter what.

In any case, I heard from the Ministry of Foreign Affairs in Singapore today and they rejected my application. Not to sound defeated in advance, but I already sort of knew I would not get a position there- just because I'm not Ivy League material or some sort of President's Scholar. What else would you expect from a country that prides itself on meritocratic values?

So the job search continues...

But the reason why I'm blogging right now is because each time I clean the apartment, I start to think about many things concerning my roommate and I. Me being me, I try to justify why I shouldn't be the one asking for forgiveness in the first place. I come up with all kinds of valid reasons as to why SHE should be the one who should be asking ME and not the other way round. But then I hear a voice checking my thoughts saying: "who are YOU to forgive? Do you even have the power to forgive?"

That's when I realised that not even my roommate has the right nor the ability to truly forgive me. Only Jesus Christ has the authority to forgive sins.

Not only that but it's so hypocritical of me to think such things!

As I'm wiping the floors, it's easy to fall into the trap of wondering when she's going to "wake up" and see the real reason why I'm bending over backwards for her. Maybe then she'll be able to stop holding grudges or acting the way she does.

But who's to say she will? Can I make her?

I can't... Only God can.

But I think and think and think to make myself feel better about having to clean the floors until I finally realise that this whole time, I'm the one who's holding grudges. Why should I need to justify the good that I'm doing if I'm doing it solely out of love for Christ? Why do I keep longing for instantly gratifying results even though I know the seeds I plant will never grow except by the power and will of God?

It is just human nature, I suppose. My sinful, fleshly nature.

But I don't like it and it has been quite a battle going between the two opposing thoughts. For Christ vs. for myself.

How will I live the rest of my collegiate life?