Major Conviction

I am so overwhelmed in spirit right now... My heart is pounding and the tears just keep welling.

I just came from a much-dreaded roommate meeting a few minutes ago where my roommates told me that 1) I haven't been contributing to the cleaning and 2) the way I talk is offensive sometimes- especially the way I make off-coloured jokes.

Do I disagree? No. I knew about the cleaning situation (I really haven't been cleaning and I was the one to initiate the cleaning contract) and I know I have overstepped my boundaries in the way that I spoke to my roommates on several occasions. Not just my roommates but just to other people in general. She mentioned that other people talk behind my back about how I say these things that are just so retarded that they make a joke out of how I am Christian.

Oh God that you would just rip this mouth from me! Why do I say things that are just so inconceivably wrong? The guilt that tears through my heart immediately afterwards! People speak of strength but they don't know what kind of strength it takes to walk out of my room, convicted in spirit to the point where I can barely look at my roommates without feeling judgment upon my head.

I have been dreading this meeting all week because I knew that I would be severely tempted to react negatively against all the accusations that would be flung at me. So before I went out to the living room, I prayed that God would just send His Holy Spirit to be with me.

It is true that God will never test you beyond what you can handle.

At one point in the meeting, I was just fighting an urge to slap my roommate in the face and scream "you hypocrite!"

I know right... How very hypocritical of me.

But I hung on to God's Word. I asked for a humble spirit and submitted myself to their demands no matter how unjust or unfair I felt them to be. It was really, really, really, really difficult. For lack of a better adjective. And when my roommate accused me of not living up to my Christian standards (you talk about this and that but you don't even do it yourself), I felt as if I could die.

I literally felt as if a millstone was hung around my neck. Have I caused my roommates to stumble Lord? Is it because of me that they are not drawn to the gospel? I could not fathom it.

So I submitted myself and admitted my wrongs. God gave me the strength to refrain from dwelling on their faults and instead focus on mine.

The meeting ended with me agreeing to their requests and also for us to have platonic relationships from now on. I am just too afraid of saying anything else that may offend them. I think I just need to set that kind of clear boundaries to prevent anymore damage.

I am not sure how they felt about my apologies for being an ass and a hypocrite; I couldn't tell from their expressions... But inside I am so ripped apart. I feel like I really let Christ down in this apartment. I feel so unworthy of His name. I just want to crawl away into a hole and disappear.

I know God disciplines those He loves, but why is it so heavy?

Dear God... I will be still and know that You are God. I will be silent and hide myself away in shame. But I ask that You will work a miracle in my life and cleanse me of this offensive mouth and give me spirit of kindness and forgiveness. Give me grace and fill my heart with love to the overflowing, so that I may not be ashamed because Your perfect love drives out all fear of judgment. Lord help me not to focus on the past, but to live in the present. Thank You for opening my eyes to what I have been doing and saying and continue to humble my spirit. I ask all this in gratefulness... Jehovah Tsidkenu, You are my righteousness! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Now I wish I could I say I am going to bed, but I'm actually going to write a five page history paper...

:)