Hello 2013

What an exciting and fun past few days it has been! I ushered in the new year with some friends watching fireworks at MBS, something that I've been wanting to do ever since I came back to Singapore. The fireworks were really awesome and I was not disappointed with my choice in year end activities. 

But now that the holidays are over and people are returning to work and school, I've been attacked by a sudden bout of depression. I don't even know if "depression" is the right word to use. It's more of a mix between restlessness, anxiety and tiredness. I don't know what in the world is the matter with me, but I do know that it is a strong indication that I need to spend more time with God. I guess I've just been so caught up in having fun and having more fun that I didn't spend enough time resting in His Word. 

It's really true what God says in the Bible: "I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing" (John 15:5) 

When I am close to God, I really feel as if I could break walls with my bare hands. However when I don't feel as close, I feel so weak, like a pool of melted wax. 

Dear Lord Jesus, help me to start this year off on the right foot. Bring back my ever-wandering mind and heart to you, so that I can sit still at your feet and listen to your life-giving words. Apart from you I can do absolutely nothing; but more importantly, apart from you I have no life in me. I pray and ask that you will give life to this aching and tired heart of mine. In Jesus' name, Amen! 

Girl Pains

You know what I think the number one reason girls fall out of friendship with each other these days? It's not boyfriend-stealing, as some would like to think, but the true culprits are ENVY and JEALOUSY. 

Disclaimer: Before I continue this, I'd like to point out that I know quite a bit about this topic simply because I've had to deal with it a lot. After years of confronting my insecurities and faults, I'm now comfortable enough to talk about it. And ever since I became a Christian, the Holy Spirit has led me to see the world differently. Yet once in a while, I still struggle with this girl-on-girl hating tendency. Basically, I'm not trying to insinuate that I'm the only girl in the world who doesn't have this problem. So if you're harbouring any thoughts of this post sounding something along the lines of "holier than thou", now would be the time to dump them, or stop reading.  

Okay? 

:) 

I'm sure you know what this movie is... Mean Girls! A favourite chick flick among many who grew up during the Britney Spears / N*SYNC pop era. 

Mean Girls gives great illustrations about the psyche behind girls hating other girls, especially the ones within their own cliques. I mean, isn't it counter intuitive for friends to hate on their closest friends? Wouldn't it make more sense for friends within a clique to hate on people in another clique? Well, as we see in the movie, this is often not the case. 

Let's start with Cady Heron.

When Cady first arrives at Northshore High School as the new kid from Africa, she doesn't fit in with any cliques and as a result, she feels excluded by the entire school. Nobody hates her and she doesn't hate anybody. Besides, she doesn't know anyone well enough to hate them. 

At this point, Cady feels insecure due to her being unaccepted among such a large group of people and has to eat lunch in a toilet stall all by herself.

It isn't long before Cady meets two other highly individualistic people who like her, don't quite fit in any other clique in the school. Together, Janis, Damien and Cady form their own little clique, and it is in this clique where Cady begins to learn the underlying social rules that govern the entire Northshore community. 

Note that the social rules of alienation or separation are not actually spelled out to Cady. Janis didn't explicitly say, "well from now on you cannot hang out with this person and that person because they belong in another clique". Instead, she gives Cady a cafeteria map that illustrates where the different cliques usually sit in the cafeteria. However, by showing Cady this map and describing the other cliques according to their stereotypes, Janis has just alienated Cady from the rest of the cliques, thereby sealing her position within the "individualistic group". It is a subtle act done to Cady's subconscious, but the new rules have been learnt. E.g. "I am not asian and I am not cool, so I cannot sit with the cool asians and hang out with them" or "I am not black, so I cannot befriend the black kids".

With these rules in mind, Cady's world is suddenly disrupted by a breach. 

Cady is invited to sit at the Queen Bee's table in the cafeteria- a big no no and a warning sign that would have been easily avoided by a veteran student at Northshore High. However for Cady, a youngling in the new world of high school politics, this is only slightly unsettling. So, she does exactly what she learnt back in Africa, which is to politely accept the invitation.

Now let's pause here for a second.

Why in the world would the Queen Bee of Northshore High want to be friends with the unknown, unpopular Cady Heron?

Well let's see. Regina compliments Cady on her bracelet and calls her pretty, but from her body language and tone, we can totally see through the insincerity of her words. Regina doesn't really want to be friends with Cady, she just wants to manipulate Cady into her clique so as to maintain her power and control. 

In fact, as we see later on, the queen bee clique is not about true friendship at all. Instead, it is riddled with power struggles, manipulation, jealousy and insecurities. Essentially, the clique exists simply to prop up each member's ego. It works like a pyramid. The one on top, Regina, gets the most props. The others like Gretchen Wieners and Karen Smith get props too, but less than Regina does. Still, they are satisfied with the social status that comes with being Regina's footstools. 

Cady's entrance into such a clique means that she must now conform to the rules of that clique and embrace all things "plastic". Superficially, Cady beings to change- from the way she dresses to the way she talks, and eventually to the way she interacts with people around her. 

We must note that although Cady's transformation is influenced by the others in the clique, it is still a personal choice. Nobody forced her to become like them. She is also still technically a part of the "individualistic" clique so she has options of leaving, but Cady chooses to stay with the Plastics because she enjoys her new social status and all the intangible benefits that come with it. 

..........................................................

So, I started out this post as a piece about envy and I'm not about to end it as an in-depth analysis of Mean Girls. I had to bring the movie up though, because it illustrates my points so exceedingly well. 

First, let's go back to the first statement I made in this post. 

You know what I think the number one reason girls fall out of friendship with each other these days? It's not boyfriend-stealing, as some would like to think, but the true culprits are ENVY and JEALOUSY. 

Again, I say it's interesting that the victims of girl-on-girl hate crimes are often not from different cliques. They are usually within a circle of close friends. It's kinda like how people usually think murders are committed by crazy unknown psychopaths. But in reality, many murders are homicides carried out by members or friends of the family. 

Why do such hate crimes happen in the first place? 

Hate crimes in female friendships are often intangible and can range from anything between malicious gossip to subtle things they do to harm another person's self-esteem. Ultimately, the goal is to maintain or promote one's power position within the clique structure, with the intangible benefit being a superficial boost in self-esteem. 

Thus, a vicious cycle is created. 

1) Girls attack other girls within the same clique for a boost in self-esteem

2) Those attacks leave lasting emotional scars on other girls (often the scar is lowered self-esteem and an unhealthy image of self)

3) Those girls perpetuate the cycle by attacking others later on

4) The cycle continues

What drives all this? 

What drives the catty remarks, the back-handed compliments, the insincere hugs and the fake friendship that could hurt so much more than an outright war?

Is it really Envy and Jealousy?

Perhaps.

But if we peel back the layers a bit more, we will begin to see that the true reason why girls behave this way is because of:



 Insecurity. Low self-esteem. Lack of confidence.




Let me just share some things with you.

Ever since I was in kindergarten, all the way up to primary school, I was a terrible bully who physically ill-treated countless girls and boys. Sometimes I recount those stories like they're really funny, but I deep down, I know that people were actually really hurt by the things that I did. Not a day went by when I did not pull someone's hair, take someone's stuff or call people names. Who knows how many bullies and insecure girls were spawned from those days of being bullied by me? Those of you who knew me since primary school days know that I was notorious in school for always being punished by the principal.

But the story doesn't end there. In secondary and high school, I became a more seasoned kind of bully who used words and superficial niceties to bruise and wound people. As a result, I made many more enemies than friends. I'm surprised that I even have true friends leftover from those days!

Anyway, when I first started really reading the Bible back in 2008, I felt like I was finally stripped of all my walls. The Bible was like a clear mirror that finally made me realise and admit that I am actually a NOBODY. I am not awesome because I am pretty, talented, smart, tall, funny, etc and all the other things that I've forced other people to believe.

As a result, I was able to see that by bringing other people down, I was actually exposing my insecurities, low self-esteem and lack of confidence. In fact, the confident cover was just... a cover. Underneath, I was a mess, and therefore quite incapable of forming genuine friendships with many girls. Though I had many "friends", I realised that almost all of them were fake friendships- they didn't really like me very much because they thought I was cocky, mean-spirited and annoying.

I'd like to say that after that realisation, I worked on my self-image and later became awesome from the inside out, but that is far from the truth.

What really happened instead was that I found my identity in something, someone actually, greater than myself.

It wasn't a boyfriend (that one failed miserably), nor was it my parents who gave me my identity. I couldn't find it in myself nor could I find it in any clique of friends, because none of those people could give me true and lasting stability. The person who ultimately gave me my self-worth was Jesus Christ, I kid you not.

See, I knew that I needed to find purpose in my life and to know what I was living for. I needed that healthy confidence from within- the kind of confidence that doesn't sway when people disappoint you, when things go wrong or when you're feeling down. And I found that confidence in Jesus because He was always there for me. He was also the first person who's ever truly loved me.

He told me that even though I was a broken person who deserved to die, He loved me before I was born and died on the cross for me before I repented and asked for His forgiveness.

Wow.

That's like if your enemy got thrown into jail for 50 years, and you decided to take his place in jail even though he hates you and you don't know if he's even going to be grateful or repentant.

If that's not love, then I don't know what is!

Back to Mean Girls, if Cady had her self-confidence rooted in Christ, knowing that He loves her no matter what, she would be busy working on her relationship with Him. And the great thing about being in a relationship with Jesus is that He makes you do all these things that go against your human nature.

It's human nature to want to lie, to be attracted to superficial and temporary emotions, to steal and to harm others. No child in the world has ever needed to be taught how to lie when they get caught doing something they're not supposed to- it just sort of comes naturally. But when you're in a relationship with Jesus, He changes your heart so that you no longer love your human nature or think that it's natural.

If you spend a lot of time in constant relationship with the Lovely, Eternal, Everlasting God, you will be influenced by Him. It's like being influenced by a good friend that you spend a lot of time with. This is how Jesus changes people inside out. He puts His desires in your heart and takes out your sinful human desires! Soon, your heart will start crawl at the sight of things that are superficial and temporary.

 If Cady had God in her heart, she might have been safeguarded from the draw of "fame" that comes with being a member of the Plastics. She would have been able to see through the temporary nature of the social structure in Northshore High, thereby saving her from the problems that come with compromising to its rules.

And I think that's precisely what gave me self-confidence and the ability to see through temporary social structures.

I tried to find my confidence in friends, they failed me.

I tried to find my confidence in parents, they failed me too.

I tried to find my confidence in myself, but I found that I had none to begin with.

I tried to find my confidence in a guy, he failed me.

I tried to build confidence by changing the way I look, by manipulating my social position among people, by travelling, by gaining knowledge, by doing well in school or work, etc... But all that stuff was never able to last. I would always still come to an empty place, like a desert in my heart.

But when I encountered the love of Jesus Christ, MAN that was like... stumbling upon an unending spring in an oasis.

..........................................................

So where does all that leave me?

I still struggle with lack of self-esteem sometimes, and it's usually when I wander away from Jesus Christ, getting enticed by the pretty things of this temporary world again.

But my struggles are mainly victorious if I run again to Christ.

I have no fear of man, or woman now for that matter.

"The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?" (Hebrews 13:6)

When people step on me or when life goes wrong, I can laugh in the face of adversity because my confidence comes from Christ, who lives within me. I have confidence in an unshakeable Rock... What and who could ever move me?


If you want that sort of confidence in your life, listen to what I say.


Jesus Christ will turn you from a barren desert to a fresh stream overflowing with goodness. He will take your timid heart of stone and turn it into one made of flesh, strong from the inside out. You will never again have to live in fear of people not liking you, or not thinking that you're "cool enough". You will be released from the chains of having to conform to detrimental social structures in your clique, school or workplace. Your days will be filled with love, hope and FREEDOM.


Are you in or out?

:)



And just for laughs...



Keri Hilson's version ^

Don't hate me cause I'm beautiful 



Praise Invasion's version ^

Don't hate me cause He saved my soul

Weakness

Remember that feeling of having just cleaned up your room? The floors are sparkling, books and things are put away, the dirty clothes are in the laundry where they belong and the windows are open to a gentle fresh breeze. 

However a week goes by, and a little pile of dirty clothes starts to grow in the corner like an infestation. Another week, and the floors start to feel mucky, but you don't notice it immediately. In a month, a funny stained odor hangs about the bed but you are the only one who can't smell it. 

In a way, I feel like my walk with God has come to this point. 

I've let other things distract me and cloud my vision. Fear and anxiety have crept into my thoughts and estranged me from the truth. I live with less and less conviction each passing day. 

But last night, He spoke to me. 

I did not realise I needed a major clean up until God pointed out how disgusting my room had become. I've ignored the stains for far too long and I know I cannot continuing living this way before I fall sick. To top it off, I've been shoving all these things under the carpet instead of fervently praying to God to help me. Though it's quite obvious that I cannot help myself... 

All these walls that I've built, it's time to tear them down. 

"I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron" (Isaiah 45:2) 

Dear Lord Jesus, I am so weak, there isn't a single thing I can do without you sustaining me. I pray that you will remove my false pride and strength, scrubbing clean the floors and walls of my heart. I ask that you would teach me genuine humility so that I will submit to your every Word. I praise Your name because You are the sustainer and giver of Life. Amen.

How Can I Keep From Singing?

I woke up this morning feeling joyful from fighting a victorious spiritual fight in my dream. But when I realised it was a dream and remembered how I let God down just the previous night, I instantly felt my hypocrisy cover my face in shame. I didn't even feel like looking at myself in the mirror. 

I instantly felt my heart harden, felt it ache, then felt it broken and filled with despair.

Despair from feeling defeated.

Yet, it was in my despair that I just knew that God knows. 

He knows that I am a weak human being, that I have close to zero self-control sometimes and am born with a sinful, stubborn nature. He knows that the temptor is strong and powerful and he understands our struggles as Christians in this worsening dark world. 

Even though He knows all these things and can remove me, a helpless human being from existence, He still keeps me alive.

I still woke up this morning didn't I? 

That gives me so much hope, because I know that God still has so much more in store for me. God will not let me die before I have fulfilled my purpose in this short life. That I woke up this morning, breathing, healthy and in one piece, is a testament to God's faith in me. He believes in me, this imperfect human being. 

It was then that I realised no matter how many times I fall, I cannot cannot cannot ever stop fighting God's battle. If God won't give up on me, if He believes in me this much to die on the cross for me before I even repented, then how can I give up on myself? How can I give up when I know that He's right there with me in the dark and difficult times?

I won't give up, and I won't stop singing. 

Dear sweet Jesus, help me to overcome the evil one! In Your name, I have the victory! No despair shall hinder me from walking with You on this difficult and narrow path. No self-pity or excuse shall bar me from living according to Your Word. Amen!

Bear With Me

When people hurt me, whether intentionally or unintentionally, my first instinct is to seek revenge. My second is to escape and eventually forget. Anger, sadness, fear that it may happen again... All these emotions are so real and raw that in the heat of the moment, my eyes are blinded to a stark irony.......

Have I not hurt someone else before? Have I not been selfish, rude, inconsiderate, and unreasonable towards acquaintances, close friends and even family members? (Most of all, God...)

But still they all bear with me with incredible patience. 

Well, maybe not all of them, but some of them.

I had a talk with Annie last Sunday about the friends we leave behind and mending friendships.

I told her that I believe every single one of my friends and family members will let me down at one point in our relationship. But I also hold fast to the value of these "failed" relationships. I will not give up on them, even though it hurts and I have to lay aside all my pride and even my dignity. Isn't that what true friendship or love is about? 

I've learnt over time now that pride is one of the biggest stumbling blocks in a long term relationship (whether a romantic one or in a platonic friendship). 

Because of pride, both parties will not want to forgive each other. Because of pride, no one wants to be the first one to make a move, especially if they feel like they were not in the wrong. No one wants to be the "pursuer" because that role often involves humiliation and rejection.

And it is because of this pride, that we lose friends over the years. It's not because people grow up and become jaded.

But for wounds to mend, someone MUST forgive, make the first move and pursue! Someone must be willing to bear the hurt, humiliation and rejection. Without even a single willing party, there will be no progress in the relationship. 

But, you think, shouldn't both parties be actively involved in wanting this relationship to work? It won't work if only one person wants it but the other doesn't right?

Each time I'm tempted to think that way, I always recall this verse: 

"I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." (Matthew 17:20)

It only takes one person with faith as small as a mustard seed. Just a bit of faith believing that all this pain and effort is worth it to keep the relationship. And behind that faith, must be an absence of pride and the willingness to put one's dignity aside.

Easier said than done.

But someone's gotta do it.

Being Content

I been thinking a bit more about what I wrote last night. 

Is my heart really being restless right now? What am I still unsatisfied with?

I couldn't figure it out. But when I heard this song again today, I felt like I didn't need to know what I was being unsatisfied with. There is only one thing I need to know: Jesus Christ.

The chorus of this song goes-

The greatest blessing in this life

Is to be able to know God

The greatest blessing in this life

Is to be able to believe in Jesus our Lord

When I look at the riches I have found in Christ, everything in life seems to pale in comparison. If I lose my family, my job, my home today, I can still be joyful, because I can have true contentment and peace in Jesus Christ alone. 

Dear Lord Jesus, help me to be content, resting in You no matter if I'm in health or sickness, in joy or despair. Through sad times and blessed moments, grant me your peace like a river in my heart. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen. 

Rollerblading, Dinner & Talents

The reason I'm still up at this time of the night is because I just came home from rollerblading.... from Orchard Road to Marina Bay Sands and back! It was soooo awesome, my heart is still pounding from the adrenaline of blading on the street. I don't know what it is, but I just feel so free when I'm blading down the pedestrian path. Rollerblading is such a great way to tour Singapore! I really regret not bringing my camera. I decided not to at the last moment because it felt a little bulky in my fanny pack, but I most definitely will next time. The riverfront area looks really beautiful at night especially without the crowds of people.

Anyway, below are a few pictures that I did take during the past week.

I had dinner with XiaoTong on Tuesday. She hasn't changed much since our TK days, except that she's skinnier now. But she's still just as bubbly, smiley and chirpy!

We ate at... *drumroll*.... Sun With Moon at Wheelock Place again! Because I still had coupons left over, haha!

Finally decided to try the Agedashi Tofu, but it wasn't that great. I like when the tofu is real smooth on the inside but crispy on the outside. I can tell from the ridges on the side of this tofu though, that it's been bought from some supermarket. Kind of killed my impression of it. 

Salmon roll was whatever. Didn't taste particularly fresh.

As usual, the tonkatsu ramen hit the spot. I'm still not sick of ramen! Though from my last three posts, it seems like that's all I've been eating... 

Yesterday Val came for dinner. Audrey left early because she was really tired and wanted to sleep a certain number of hours for work the next day. I really admire her discipline in going home to sleep no matter what! I definitely do not have that kind of self-control when it comes to sleeping or eating according to a set schedule. Just check me out now blogging at 03:25 in the morning.

So this morning I tuned in to CLIMB via Skype for a very brief moment, but it was enough for me to hear what God wanted me to. 

The three men who were given talents in the Bible. That was the chapter Jay was talking about. Coincidentally (according to God's plan), it was the very thing I was reading about the night before. I knew that it was something I needed to pay attention to, but honestly I'm not sure what now. 

All I know is, God landed me in this job, at this particular office, with these very people for a very specific reason. 

A while ago, my boss started saying that he'd like to start attending church again. Once in a while, we'd have these conversations about Christianity and church, but there just seems to be something that's either missing or holding him back. 

Then tonight as I was out rollerblading with another coworker, he began asking me about what made me change so drastically and I told him that it was Jesus Christ. God changed me. I could never change myself even if I wanted to. 

I know God has given me different gifts and talents, but one day He is going to ask me what I did with them. Am I going to bury them in the field somewhere, or am I going to risk what I've been given in order to produce a harvest of righteousness later? 

I thank you Lord Jesus, for every single opportunity you've given me to witness to other people. Help me to be a shining example of Christ living in me at all times. I pray that I will always be humble at Your feet, giving You all the glory and praise. I pray that my life story will become a story written by You, for You. In Jesus' name, Amen. 

Amen, and have a blessed night everybody! 

:) 

Monthly Report

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, the super exclusive, rare exotic species of friend: Ms. Huimin! I don't know about you, but I generally have a pretty hard time trying to get her to come hang out. So meeting up with her for lunch on Tuesday was quite a special event.

I had a terrible craving for ramen that day, so we walked all over Great World City just looking for a reasonably-priced Japanese restaurant. It took us about fifteen minutes of back-and-forth walking, but we finally settled on Bishamon (next to McDonalds). I ordered spicy pork ramen, but was very disappointed in the end. The ramen itself was fine, but the soup was terrible. They shouldn't even call it "spicy" to begin with. Even the instant noodles,  Shin Ramun tastes better!

Huimin's baked pasta tasted slightly better. You could really taste a hint of baked cheese in it. 

Anyway, here's a bit of a digression... This is what you see when you first walk into my office. Yes, it's called Ching Chong *cue snorting laughter*

This is part of the view from the eleventh floor.

The view from another angle.

Yesterday, I went out to dinner with Ashley and her family. We had steamboat at Jpot in Vivocity. 

Besides the laksa soup, my favourite dish of the night has got to be this cute-looking dessert. It's bandung curd with nata de coco and sago seeds! Super yummy and refreshing! I know what you're thinking... It looks very sweet; but actually, the sweetness level tasted just right. 

Wow. This post was just all over the place.

I think my head kinda feels that way too. 

Yesterday, my boss gave me a monthly performance report. In a nutshell, I didn't do well. I've been falling short on quite a few things such as being proactive. I also need to work harder on my communication skills. I realised that a lot of problems really stemmed from my lack of transparency with the work I'm doing. Instead of updating my boss regularly, I've been busy living in my own world while he's wondering if I'm doing any work at all. 

But no worries! I'm grateful for such constructive criticism. Now that I know exactly what I have to work on, all I have to do is improve on those things, right?

Well......

Yesterday and today, I began to feel stressed at work for the first time. I'm not sure if that's a good thing. I started to really feel "responsible". Not that I felt irresponsible before, but I just began to understand how much weight I actually bear in the company. They didn't just hire me for some little internship- I'm actually here to help build something! 

I don't know how to explain it without it coming out wrong either way. 

But basically, the ultimate realisation pointed in a single direction--->

I need God's help. 

Without His guidance, His support, His wisdom, His strength, there is just no way I'm going to be able to survive through the next few months or even years. There are so many things I need to get done at work, but 80% of what I'm doing depends entirely on factors that I cannot control. Who can I turn to to help me then? Only God can help me. Only He can turn dead ends into new beginnings, the desert into a fresh spring. 

Dear God, there are many things that I still do not understand. There are many ways in which I still fall short, but You are perfect and full of wisdom. You are in control of all things- the universe was established by Your Word. I just pray that You will guide my every step as I commit my job and life to You. Help me to see things the way You do. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen. 

It's Saturday night and I am squatting here in the hallway because it's the only place in the house with Internet access right now. To be honest, this no-Internet-in-my-room thing is kind of working out well because that means I won't stay up late to watch Korean dramas in bed. However, that also means one less way of unwinding at the end of a busy day. Among bubble tea and other little comforts, korean dramas, spicy Calbee chips and a carton of Vitasoy are definitely at the top of my "unwinding list". 

Last night, I had zero fun at Avalon. The whole entire time I was there, I felt really disgusted with everything but still had to put on a smiling face. Yes, it was for work and stuff. But by the end of the night, I was starting to question if it was really worth it at all. The meeting went well and I accomplished all that I was supposed to, however I went home feeling very dirty and grossed out. Though I didn't drink (I had one polite shot at the end of the night), I felt like I reeked of alcohol. And I just felt so depressed looking at everyone else acting happy but feeling empty. And I know how they feel because I was once a part of this world...... 

Sigh...

I guess this is the reason why I didn't really want to do anything with the entertainment/media/marketing industry in the first place. 

But Talia made a good point today- you can't avoid it. It's in accounting, finance, etc. In every industry, much networking actually takes place in bars or clubs after work. 

But my question is: Is that necessary?

What about networking over healthy activities like sports or having dinner together? 

I don't know. 

I am just glad that God gave me the clarity of mind and self-control last night to not be rude or idiotic, because I definitely had many opportunities to act that way. 

But for now I feel spiritually drained. Like pit bottom, hollow, empty, tired. 

I need rest. And prayer... 

God help me to live a life worthy of You. Give me the strength to finish the race. Help me not to look back after putting my hand on the plow, but to turn my eyes on You, Jesus, at all times. I will trust in Your Word and listen to Your commands. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Don't Speak Defeat To Me!

Have you ever felt haunted by your past? Sometimes, it's as if you just couldn't escape from the memories or accusations that seem to surface when you least expect it. At least that's how I feel. I realise that even though I have changed inside, many people will not recognise that change. Instead, they will forever remain stuck in their old stereotype of you. There are some people who will never forgive me for what I have done or said to them. And there are others still who will hate me even more for becoming Christian- thinking that it's hypocritical for me to do so. 

No matter what I do or say, my actions and words will always be tainted by their soiled perception. Even if you are nice to them, your "niceness" will only be shrouded by their theory that you have ulterior motives. (I'm not talking about us, Talia... Haha) 

I would like to say that I've accepted this fact, but that would be a lie. 

I am bothered when I find out that my intentions have been misunderstood from the beginning. I am sad when I realise that I can never gain these people's trust. And I get all the more angry when people have all these misconceptions about you, but they don't even know the full story. 

Yet what can I do? What can I say? 

Nothing at all... 

This is why we should always remember that it is JESUS who is our righteousness. It is not our works or our words that make us righteous. Neither are the thoughts of others that justify us. Rather, it is Jesus taking on our sin that justifies us in the EYES OF THE LORD. The reason why I capitalised that is because those are the only eyes that ultimately matter right? 

See it doesn't matter what men think about me or you. Those people will meet their end someday and we'll all have to answer to God. At that point, don't you think the only opinion that matters will be God's? So as long as I am justified as a righteous person in God's eyes, that's all that's needed. Everything else can only serve to bring me down.

And just how would I know that I am justified in God's eyes? You may ask.

Because He told me so? Sure! He tells us in His Word that "Therefore being justified by faith. We have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ." (Romans 5:1)

There's more to be said on this subject, but I doubt anyone would want to read a ten page essay on faith and justification right now. But if you are really curious, why not ask God Himself? Why not actually read what He says on the subject?

:) 

Dear God, help me to see things from Your perspective. Put those whispering lies and accusations behind me. Silence any slanderous tongues that wag against me. I am a justified child of God, washed by the blood of Jesus Christ. In your eyes, I am pure and lovely. I pray that my words and actions may reflect the love of the Holy Spirit that dwells in my heart. Please help me to not resent or hate those who hate me. But rather, help me to love them unconditionally as You love them too. I pray for those who cannot find it in their hearts to look past my failures. Father in Heaven, will you help them to grow beyond this point, so as to overflow with Love instead of judgement? Give them gracious hearts and minds and sear their hearts with an iron. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Failing In The Future

Today is going to be a church marathon of sorts. I'm attending the 12:30 bilingual service (English & Chinese combined), having lunch, then rushing off to Lakeside for the Nazarene home Bible study. I might not get home until it gets dark. At this rate, I wonder when my laundry is ever going to get done? Nobody knows how to use this washing machine except my mom, but nobody knows which of my clothes can't go in the dryer except I. Yet we never seem to be home at the same time. 

Anyway, I'm kind of excited to see what today will hold. There are so many things that could possibly take place or be said and done. What will today's future be like? Guess I'll find out by the end of today...

Sometimes I think about how God knows us so well that He already knows that we will choose a certain path down the road. It must really break His heart, or encourage Him to have that kind of foresight. Imagine me praying that I will give my life to Him; yet He already foresees that I would fail Him later. Basically like how Jesus foretold that Peter would disown Him three times before the rooster crowed. Ironically, even after Peter heard Jesus' prediction, he still disowned Christ! 

Honestly, this only goes to show how loving our Heavenly Father is. He actually loves us sooo much that even though He knows we will trip up in our future, He is still willing to forgive us and show us His salvation when we go to Him with sincere hearts. He doesn't say "oh, I would forgive you, but do you know that by this time next Monday, you'll be cursing my name? So, I can't really do anything for you right now until next Tuesday when you will repent..."

Instead, God loves us enough to trust us with His heart. He shows us His love when we seek it. Unconditionally He makes Himself known to us. He doesn't wait until we are washed white as snow before He comes into our lives. Rather, He comes into our hearts then washes us white as snow. 

Okay, I guess what I'm trying to say is, God loves us so much that He trusts us to make our own decisions. And even though He may foresee failure in our future, that doesn't stop Him from loving us anyway. If you knew your friend was going to betray you next week (let's say she cheats with your boyfriend), would you still buy her that expensive Prada bag for her birthday tomorrow? I know many people wouldn't... 

Thank you God for Your great love! That You were willing to forgive us and die for us before we were even born. And that You are also willing to forgive us even though we are still yet imperfect and may fail you in the future. I pray that I will trust in You as You have so faithfully trusted me with Your heart. In Jesus' name, Amen!

Faithfulness & Sunshine

Ever since I've been back in this equatorial island, life's been going at about 50mph as compared to the 5mph before in Pennsylvania. At least it's not 80mph (yet...), however I'm already finding it hard to dedicate time to God. It's always a big struggle for me to regularly spend time reading the Bible. I am usually not inclined to doing other beneficial activities such as exercising, eating right and sleeping at appropriate times- so spending time with God is definitely a toughie. 

And as I spend less time communicating with and hearing from God, I can feel my heart begin to get drawn to other things...... 

And then, something amazing happens. 

When I least expect it, God speaks so clearly to me through people, a song, a Facebook status, that it jolts my spirit into longing for His presence again. All of a sudden, my strange and disturbing desire to listen to Love You Like A Love Song by Selena Gomez repeat-peat-peat-peat-peatedly disappears and all I want is to sing praise to the God who set me free! 

2 Timothy 2:13 says "If we are faithless, He will remain faithful, for He cannot disown Himself."

Even when my heart began to wander, God was patient enough to woo me back to Him. He forgave my imperfections, looked past my impatience and understood my weakness. The human mind is truly bound to madness. How could I ever desire anything apart from His sweet presence? The joy that fills and satisfies every longing in my heart, the peace that covers and surrounds me like a breeze or a blanket... Just that unspeakable loveliness that is Jesus Christ! To ever want anything else is simply madness. 

Two nights ago I awoke in the midst of a terrible nightmare. Yet even as my spirit cried out to Jesus, He reached down and covered me with His hand. I felt so safe... like a baby sheltered in her Heavenly Father's strong arms. It was then I felt kind of guilty too, because I haven't been spending too much time with Him. I felt like I only reached out to God when I needed His help, and I was so touched that He would still listen to and help me in my time of need. 

I know that God's faithfulness does not increase directly as a result of my faithfulness to Him. I am infinitely lesser in every way than the Almighty God is. How could I ever earn His love? All I can do is to draw as near to Him as I can possibly can so as to bask in the glow of His presence. 

The sun will always be in the sky whether or not I go outside or stay indoors. But I want to go out in its warm rays every chance I can get. Sometimes I get lazy and just want to sit indoors. Too little sun though and the lack of Vitamin D could get me a bit cranky. That's okay. The sun is still there. I just need to get up from my couch and out into the sunshine again...

:) 

Coincidence, Not

Last night, temperatures outside dropped below 10 Celsius. As of right now, it is still freezing and almost all my warm clothing is either packed away in the basement already or in Singapore. I guess I didn't anticipate still being here in October and therefore didn't pack accordingly. In fact there are countless things that I did not anticipate- and I always wonder why they've turned out the way they did? 

Obviously, nothing happens by chance since God orders our lives. 

It wasn't by chance that our move got delayed for over a month, that certain people came into my life in the past few weeks, or even that we got flea-attacked recently. 

The question is, why though?

There are some things which God has been gracious to reveal to me the purposes behind His ways. But other things just leave me puzzled yet wondering. Perhaps the answer lies in the next month, year, decade... never? Who knows? 

I am not fretting about not knowing. I am just ruminating on how perfect God's will is. Even in not revealing His ways to me, He shows infinite wisdom. Nothing is hidden from His sight. Yet I can't help but be curious. No matter how I try to guess what God may be up to, the true answer always blows me away. 

In each circumstance, God demonstrates a "multi-faceted" goodness. 

To illustrate better, I'll share an example: 

When I found out that our move would get delayed for about five weeks, I was kind of disappointed. I was ready to get out into the world and September seemed like the perfect time. Yet this is the good that has resulted from the delay... 

Firstly, the five weeks of limbo time has afforded me a rare opportunity to soak in the Word and spend intimate time in prayer with God. Not having anything to do all day really enabled me to focus on Jesus in my thoughts. Most days I really felt like I was thinking about Him all day long. As a result, God's been able to work growth in me and to use me for His various purposes. 

Secondly, a silent prayer/sadness of mine was that if I left in September, I would probably not be able to see fall and enjoy cool weather anymore. Well, God definitely answered that one!

Thirdly, I had the opportunity to meet more Christian friends. Not only have they helped me grow, but I know that God is also using me in their lives- even if it's in a small way. 

Fourthly, the delay gave me more time to think about what I want to do when I go back to SG. Better to think while I'm in the US than in SG- so that my family doesn't think I'm just bumming!

So as you can see, in God's wisdom, this situation reaped goodness in many facets of my life. I am sure that there are a multitude of other reasons, but I do not know them all... yet. All I know is, God is good, ALL THE TIME! Even when things don't make sense, He still works for the good of those who love Him. 

You Saved Me... Again

This Sunday started out stormy- both weather-wise and emotions-wise. 

My house has been under a flea attack for the past two weeks because of Koshka. Strangely, my mother has been the only one getting all the bites while the rest of us have escaped quite unscathed. It's a profound mystery. Unfortunately, this flea attack did not come at a good time because we are currently in the process of packing up all our furniture and stuff. You can imagine the added stress this has brought to my mom. 

Yet, although I understand where her frustration is coming from, it still drives me up the wall when I feel like she's taking her anger out on me. I knew the fleas weren't even the main issue. All that anger she has inside is just coming out at every possible opportunity; and the best part is, I can't even really say much or retaliate because I'm trying to be a good daughter. However today, I finally told her that I didn't know what to do whenever she acts like this. If it's not something I did, it's something I didn't do. I felt like no matter what the situation, she was just always angry. 

Obviously that talk didn't go well- and it wasn't because of my tone. 

Afterwards, I had about an hour to myself. I sat in the car thinking about how I can't change who my mother is or how she acts. And yes, I could pray to God, but ultimately, the tangible right-now thing that I could change is me. And deep down inside, I knew that I would have to do the dreaded apology thing again. I felt God telling me to humble myself no matter how wronged I felt. He reminded me that my mom still has authority over me and that I should respect and honour that authority, not test it. 

So after asking for strength from Jesus Christ, with racing heartbeats, I told her that I was sorry for the cat bringing fleas into the house and that she had every right to be angry at me. I also made commitments to be available to help with the packing process or anything else that she needed. 

She obviously didn't pat my head or anything, but the tense atmosphere dissolved a little. 

I can't tell you how conflicted I felt inside though, as I was apologising. On the one hand, my mind is saying, "she's always taking advantage of you and acting out on you!" On the other hand, the Holy Spirit told me "honour your father and mother, for this pleases the Lord."

See, I don't care anymore whether or not I have a legit reason to be mad at the people in my life with authority over me. So my parents are human- and so am I. Who am I to forgive when forgiveness alone belongs to God? And who am I to question their authority if I want my own kids to respect mine? 

My mom once hinted that she only started going to church again because she truly saw and believed the drastic change that she witnessed in me over the past two years. Knowing that, I can't ruin my daily witness by holding pride and resentment in my heart! I should live out every second of my day the exact way that I profess Jesus Christ walks in love. If I preach a Christ humbled on the cross, then I should reflect that humility in my daily actions since I claim that He lives in me. 

And you know what, He made the impossible possible. 

I would never in a million years have been able to do or say what I did today, but when I cried out to Jesus from the bottom of my heart, asking for strength and guidance, He provided it. Not only that, but He also went on ahead of my apology and calmed my mother's nerves so that I was able to speak to her and not agitate her further. 

How awesome is He!

And how weak I am... 

It's in situations like these when I'm reminded by how futile all my "intelligence" and "learning" is. And how physically, mentally and spiritually weak I really am. 

Without Christ, I have and am NOTHING.

Strength In My Weakness

Outside my safe and dry room is the gently falling rain. 

Somehow I can't stop listening to this song Скрой Меня, or Cover Me by Hillsong Kiev. The lyrics go: 

Let the storm rage and the thunder roar. 

Above the fray I will be with you (I think?), 

My Father, my King in all the earth.

I am not afraid, my God is with me.

It's not thundering outside. Neither is any kind of hurricane storm raging. But inside I am still fighting battles that seem impossible sometimes. And there are times when I actually doubt if I will ever be entirely delivered from these troubles. I mean, didn't Paul cry out for a thorn to be removed from his side and yet it wasn't? (See 2 Corinthians 12:7-10). 

But I think about the reason why his thorn was not removed- Paul said that it was to "keep [him] from being conceited." As a result, there's a side of Paul that was always kept weak, powerless and uncertain. And in that weakness, that powerlessness and uncertainty, God knows that Paul will run to Him for help. And only when Paul humbles himself before the Almighty God, will the Holy Spirit work His mighty arm for the salvation of His peoples. 

It's like the Old Testament tradition of circumcision. Why did God require it of His holy nation, Israel? Circumcision was a physical mean to curb the pride of man- just like a ring is sometimes put through a bull's nose to control the angry animal. In 1 Samuel 17:26, David asks, "Who is this uncircumcised Philistine that he should defy the armies of the living God?" Therefore, the uncircumcised man is not only proud, but he is also defiant to the will of God. 

"For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want." (Galatians 5:17)

If anything, God requires a "circumcised heart". A heart that is so humble and weak for its master than a slight tug is all that is required for His servant to move. In the same way, only a slight tug on a bull's ring nose is necessary to get the animal in motion. 

All that being said, I must give thanks to God, even for the thorns in my flesh- the daily battles that rage around me and never seem to go away. They remind me of how weak I actually am; what little power and wisdom I actually have. And only when I am leaning completely and utterly upon the Holy Spirit, can He work through me for His glory!

Amen! Hallelujah! His ways are indeed higher than my ways...

Breakthrough

Tonight, (or I guess, since it's 03:45 in the morning right now), yesterday night, God led me to a Bible study at T.J.'s house. The reason why I say that God led me there, is literally because I wasn't supposed to go because I didn't have a ride there. But at just the right time, God provided a ride! 

Truthfully, I felt very uncomfortable when I first got there. But that's a normal feeling, I guess, to be in a room surrounded by people you don't know, all facing each other and sharing deeply personal prayer requests. But once we started praying, I could just feel the Holy Spirit speaking through my thoughts and other people's prayers. His was such a familiar voice, yet such a voice! Many times during the night, He sent my heart racing with conviction, with rhema and with revelations. Even in my earthly discomfort, the Holy Spirit lifted me up in His arms and wrapped me in His garments of righteousness. 

Then, as if our conversation could not bear to end, I went home and just ate up God's Word in a way that I haven't in a long time. It touched my heart to see well-known verses spring to new life- injecting my soul with fresh perspective and renewed passion. 

This, this is the living water that I have been craving for! 

I have so much more to learn, to take hold of...... May I never feel as if I'm "already there"! 

Dear sweet Jesus, my soul faints and longs for You. There is none like You who satisfies my spirit. Your fullness, Your wholeness overwhelms me. You fill me to the bursting with good things from Your table. From Your throne Your living waters flow into my life, washing away all unclean things, healing all diseases and watering crops to bear a fruitful harvest for You. Better is one day in Your courts, one day in Your house than thousands elsewhere! I pray that I may always dwell in Your sanctuary. Never take Your Spirit from me, but put Your Spirit and heart in mine always. In Jesus' name, Amen! O Holy One of Israel, Jehovah Nissi my banner of Love, You alone are worthy to be praised and lifted up! 

Death At 2 A.M.

It's two in the morning and I've got church in a few hours. But before I go to bed, I've had to sort a lot of things out with God. And now that all my questions have been answered, all that's left is for me to stop being so frustrated at things that I cannot control, and just give them up to God. 

As much as it hurts to die inside again, I am looking forward to tomorrow. The reason why I've even come so far in the past few years is because God's been pruning me and molding me into something new. So death is not a new concept to me. It still hurts. It still stinks when I have to give up something, when a piece of me just dies...... Wilts and falls off. 

But when an empty space is made in my soul- that's another space that the Holy Spirit can pour His love, joy and peace into. So what else can I do but praise God for His wisdom? 

In His wisdom, He brings about circumstances in my life that usually leave me shaking my head in puzzlement. But later, He reveals that they were actually planned and placed situations to either teach me, perfect me or protect me. 

I know that sometime soon, I will likely look back and feel stupid for feeling frustrated at things that were meant for my good. 

No one likes to eat vegetables or medicine. But they bring about nutrition and healing. 

So I find myself here on my knees again... Caught up in grace like an avalanche. 

God if it takes a million deaths to get to You, so be it. Each time I try to satiate my spiritual hunger on things of this world, may You pry it out of my hands and throw it far away from me! And then, may You come and bring me the healing that I so desperately need and crave. Every inch of me longs for You. This burning in my heart for You- let it never be quenched! 

I guess, right now can never be too soon to begin on a prayerful journey towards victory. 

In Jesus' name! Amen!

Nothing But Dust

Who am I? 

Who do I think I am, that God could bear to live in my heart? 

That this perfect, Almighty, unblemished God who is HOLY could live in this dark dirty temple of my heart? 

Who am I that God could ever think to forgive me? 

I have and am nothing. 

I read His Word and feel so unworthy. I feel as if I couldn't read anymore. I do not deserve the honour of hearing His Words or seeing His face. 

And yet, my heart longs for His presence. 

Dear God, You are HOLY. You sit upon the highest of highs. You judge the hearts of men and nations of the earth. Nothing is hidden from You. Everything is laid bare- including my heart. When You look at me, Your eyes pierce into the very inner parts of my soul. Your light casts my being in shadow and I cannot bear to lift my face. God, why would You ever choose me in all my sinfulness, inadequacies and disgusting habits? All my righteous acts and thoughts are too disgusting to mention. Why would You even bother? Why am I still alive and not thrown into the pits of hell- condemned to what I deserve? Oh God, I appeal to You in Your great love and mercy. Do not look upon me but upon the blood of Jesus Christ. Cover over my shame with the grace You have shown on the cross. Lift me up in my despair and reassure my spirit with Your voice. I long for Your presence with all my heart... Man does not live on bread alone but on every Word that comes from the mouth of God. I am so sorry Lord Jesus, for all the times I have ever grieved Your Holy Spirit. Do not leave me in my sorrow but deliver me... In Jesus' Name, I pray, Amen.

Who am I? 

I am nothing but dust. 

And I submit myself to the will of the compassionate Potter.

Fasting For Change

Last night as I sat in bed reading God's Word, I felt a tugging in my heart telling me to just focus on Him for a while. So for this month or so, I intend to give up watching any sort of Youtube videos, movies or TV shows. They always tend to keep me up late anyway and distract me from what I really should be doing- poring over God's Word and talking to Him. As for other things that seem to entice my heart toward the world and away from Christ (such as shopping, secular music, etc.), I intend to take a break from them as well.

After all these months of not doing much and enjoying life without any sort of structure or schedule, I think it's time to leave Lala Land and get into a new gear of discipline and hard work.

I know this won't be easy but something's gotta get done, and it's gotta get done now. I'm not going to sit around and wait for God to show me a burning bush anymore. I'm going to actively pursue Him, cry out to Him- and then listen to and obey Him.

I KNOW that I can do all things through CHRIST who strengthens me! (Philippians 4:13)

At the beginning of this year I prayed that God would change me so much that by 2012 I'd be unrecognisable again. I know that change won't come if I just sit here waiting for a sign. If I want a more disciplined life, the time is now. If I want to become a strong woman rooted in Christ, the time is now.

Today in church, Pastor Mark gave a basic sermon on salvation. And even though I know I've already accepted Christ, been baptised and whatnot, it felt like a rededication moment. I am remembering the wedding vows I made to Christ the night I decided I would be His. Whether in sickness or in health, whether I feel like it or not- I will always follow Him.

Right now, I don't feel like it. But I know, now, more than ever, I have to press into Jesus. I have to seek Him with all my heart, mind, soul and body. I have to endure hardship, sacrifice and die to myself. But the life in Christ that I have to gain is so much bigger than what I have to lose. In fact, what do I have to lose? Everything that is dragging me down- that's what!

Fight My Losing Battle

I've never fought in a physical war before, but everyday I fight a spiritual war. Everyday the enemy waits for an opportunity to come at me- and when he sees an opening, he sweeps right in with his darts and arrows and tries to kill me.

Sometimes I huddle in fear. Sometimes I fall prey. When that happens, I feel like the ultimate failure... I think to myself: where are you, God?

But I know deep inside that it's not God who's failed to protect me.

God's been very specific in His Word:

"Flee from sexual immorality..." (1 Corinthians 6:18)

"Therefore, my dear friends, flee from idolatry." (1 Corinthians 10:14)

"But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness." (1 Timothy 6:11)

"Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart." (2 Timothy 2:22)

He never called us to try to withstand the devil's schemes. We are told to run away as fast as we can, to find refuge under the wings of the Almighty God!

But sometimes I stand so mesmerised that running away is the last thing I feel like doing at the moment.

It's like in those scenes in movies like 2012 or Day After Tomorrow where people are standing in the street staring at the oncoming tornado or tsunami, so entranced by what they are seeing that they're not even attempting to run away.

But that's how the fish gets caught doesn't it?

It sees something interesting in the water, swims after it, thinks it looks tasty, bites it, swallows it...... then gets hooked!

I am so tired of getting hooked. I'm not perfect- I seem to be one of the most gullible and stupid fishes in the pond ever; and it stumps me as to why Jesus would ever want to keep forgiving and pursuing me. But He does! And I am honestly sick of this vicious hooking cycle.

It makes me sick to my stomach.

Dear God, this is obviously a battle that I seem to be losing. Each time I crawl up again, I feel weak and lose confidence at the sight of the enemy. He pushes me over and laughs when I fall. Holy Spirit, will you fight my battles for me? Will you be my shield and rampart? When the enemy comes at me, will you extinguish his arrows? Forgive me for not running to You and for following the desires of my evil heart. Change my heart oh God! Make it ever true... In Jesus' name, Amen!