As I get older, I find myself being able to spontaneously trust people less and less easily. What that looks like is me holding my true opinions to myself (when I deem others unable to understand, agree with or empathize with what I would say). However, even if I withhold my true opinions, it doesn't mean that I advocate behaving the OPPOSITE of what I believe to be true.
As a result, if I don't trust you, I would just act at a very minimal level of polite. There will be no sharing of big ideas, personal beliefs, jokes (maybe just some socially awkward ones if I can't help myself), personal past experiences or most of all, advice. To avoid conflict, I may eventually just work at keeping a distance physically.
Sadly, these are all things that I dearly love to and wish to share with everyone. I feel sad when I have to withhold this natural part of me. Still, I know now that you shouldn't assume that everybody will treat what you hold precious with care. It's the same principle behind some moms not feeling comfortable with just handing their baby to any random stranger. My thought processes, feelings and beliefs are all very precious to me. I would never just throw them around now like I used to.
This also means that I am now much less vocal in a group setting where untrusted individuals are. I don't like feeling misinterpreted and then judged for the misinterpretation of what I am trying to say. Then again, I also REALLY dislike having to burn inside when I have something which I think is super important to share, but am unable to comfortably. I feel a lot less effective in discussions and debates now as a result. I just give up before it even starts because I feel that banter, if likely to end in me feeling unresolved conflict, is pointless.
I can't help but think that this is such a shame. Surely there are other individuals out there like me who feel stifled.
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