Slow Death

I've been reading this book Slow Death By Rubber Duck and...... what else can I say?

I've known, or rather, felt for some time now that a lot of things that we surround ourselves with are just plain bad. It shouldn't take decades of research, years of government and corporation fighting to take toxic chemicals out of our everyday items like toys, toiletries and kitchen utensils- let alone our food!

By mid- 2009, I had gotten to the point where I started to become paranoid about everything. I realised that it was impossible to escape pollution outside and inside my home. Almost 95 percent of what I eat comes wrapped in toxic plastic. The air I breathe is infused with industrial fumes. Everything that I use is unnatural and will probably never decompose without environmental detriment of some sort. I truly felt that I could never escape the nets of cancer-causing elements that surrounded me.

Environmental issues weren't the only things that were plaguing my life at that point. I had also become very bitter about engineered poverty and the general numbing and dumbing down of society. Won't go into detail about that since nobody seems to get it anyway and that frustrates me.

What could I do about it?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I felt utterly alone in my disillusionment and began to read Ecclesiastes to sooth my nerves. No one around me seemed to get it or were invariably apathetic. I felt like only God could comprehend my pain.

Yes, it was painful. The more God revealed to me about the plight of things, the more my heart and head began to hurt at the injustice and futility of it all.

I don't know why people seem to view me as the kind who would want to fight for changes in policy, or as someone who would want to indulge in long intelligent academic discussions about stuff. Professors and nerdy students always seem to pounce on me to get me involved in that sort of "how do you think such-and-such model can be used to implement bla bla bla" conversations. By the end of my senior year of college, I had learnt to shut up, give them the blank stare and pretend I was stupid. It was very difficult (those of you who know me can imagine how hard it is for me to shut up for five seconds), but not as difficult as trying to explain that we operate on two entirely different belief/philosophical systems and therefore my worldview and theirs have nothing to do with each other at all. They are in opposition to each other.

I'm not a little bit pessimistic. I am VERY pessimistic. In fact, when it comes to political, environmental and whatever else is wrong with our world issues, I am not up or down for any sort of discussion.

Why? Because I don't believe that we can ever solve all these problems. Not in this day and age at least. And certainly not with human knowledge and wisdom.

I acknowledge that as a human race, we simply do not have the will, morals, wisdom or ability to create a perfect world; and I am not about to go waste my time pretending that I can bring about world peace by political wrangling or social networking mobilisation.

This world IS ending. It will never be perfect. Things are only getting worse whether or not you can see it. Christ is coming back to create a new heaven and a new earth. And He is coming back VERY SOON from the look of things.

Why bother? That's what I kept telling myself.

If things will never be perfect until Christ comes, why bother with the world? Why not ride this out and wait for Him to come?

I'd like to agree with myself, but I am constantly reminded as well that as Christians who love God and people, we are the "salt of the earth" and the "light of the world" (Matthew 5:13-16).

Not only is salt a flavour-enhancer, it is also a natural preservative. As salt of this earth, we add flavour to the lives of people around us and also preserve the earth from its ongoing and eventual decay.

Imagine this world as one big piece of rotting flesh. There are flies perching everywhere; maggots and all kinds of disgusting bacteria live in it. But here and there are little flecks of salt keeping the earth from completely becoming a ball of grossness in just a few days.

Now imagine your room at night with all the lights out. You cannot see a thing. That is what the world is like today. Turn your handphone on and what do you see? A light- a very bright light now that your eyes have been accustomed to the dark! That's what Christians are supposed to look like. A lighthouse shining in the distance so that ships may know not to crash into the rocks or where to harbour.

So while the world is going to end and I cannot solve all problems, I must do something. But that something will not be resting in the wisdom of this world.

Although I studied Economics in college, I've come to see all those theories and philosophies about how to deal with stuff as a separate religion founded in lies and foolishness. I don't dislike Economics because the math boggles my mind. I dislike it because it is so STUPID compared to the wisdom I've found in the Bible. In fact, everything is stupid and meaningless when you place it next to the Bible. Even science is stupid. I shall not expand on that either because it'll be another frustrating exposition that little to nobody will get.

Everything we do is meaningless... The only meaningful thing we could ever do on this earth is to follow God's Word and to love others. That's all.

Dear Lord, please help me to discern Your voice in a crowd of voices. Show me Your ways and guide me. Help me not to sink into depression again- thinking that everything is futile and meaningless, but rather lift me up by revealing to me Your purpose in my life. I know that my time here is not coincidence, nor is it happenstance. You created me for a specific purpose. I pray that You will continue to show me Your good way and that I will not hesitate to follow You wherever You call me to go. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

I mean, I feel fine and all, but this evening as I sat outside applying nail polish, the irony of the whole scene struck me. Why not just swallow a whole bottle of phtalates while I'm at it?

I remember a time when I would not even touch moisturiser. Now that I've given up on the world at large, I'm sploshing it all back on my skin. I guess I just don't care anymore about whether or not I get cancer in fifteen years.

Then I started thinking about my future children......

Sigh.