I just came back from my swimming class about fifteen minutes ago and I still haven't showered.
Because the Wifi at school has been "under renovation" for the past two days, I felt that I MUST write a blogpost now before going about the rest of my stuff.
Anyway there's a particular thing that's been pressing on me for a long time now.
I realised that I get jealous very easily over stupid things.
I get jealous when other people seem to be enjoying themselves more than I am, when they're prettier, smarter, louder, quieter... It seems that no matter what the issue is, I can always find something to be envious about.
Which leads me to think that I'm not actually envious of any particular things or people. Ok, granted, there are a few people who are stronger "triggers" of my envy than others. But I think the core of the problem is simply that envy exists, in me.
It's been really aching in my heart now because that little seed of envy has grown into an obvious obstacle in some of my relationships. Somehow I can't get past treating the person better than myself because I want something that they have and I don't.
And to deal with that inferior feeling in my own twisted way, I end up visualising them as worse off than myself and then treating them likewise.
You could say that I've been caught idolising other things. Holding them in higher esteem over God.
I know that the Holy Spirit is a gift from God that is more precious than anything in the world. And that's what makes me even more upset- that my heart is so corrupted to long after something I know is worth nothing.
I know this is wrong and it's really hard to turn from this because envy is an automatic reaction in my mind. It's not like cursing when you can just shut your mouth. To turn off envy, I feel like you really need a change from deep inside your heart.
Lord, you see my weakness even better than I can identify it. If there is darkness hidden in my soul, please bring it to light and deal with it in your wisdom! I confess that I need healing in this aspect of my life. The voids which linger in my heart, the empty longings and worldly desire, please take them away and grant me a pure heart. Fill my heart with the Holy Spirit and whet my appetite with living water Lord! Help me to see others through Your eyes. Don't let me drift away from Your ways... All the relationships that are suffering due to my lack of love, I hand them over to you. I ask that You work miracles in these relationships and bring healing to my heart and the other person's as well. I ask in faith and gratefulness that You have listened to my prayer and will continue Your good work in me!
......................................................................................................................................
There's only about a month and a half left in the Fall 2010 semester, then we'll have a month off in December for Winter Break. After that, it'll be the Spring 2011 semester and then graduation in May 2011.
Time is flying and still I don't see any destination in sight.
Everyday seems crazier, like I'm sinking into an ever-expanding sea of homework and to-do lists. While the water was up to my waist before, now I feel that it's raging near my neck.
I keep wondering if I'm doing something wrong, or if God has already spoken and I just wasn't listening, or I'm ignoring His usual gentle whisper....
I don't know.
And the future still seems uncertain and scary...
Is it because my focus may be drifting off of God? I don't want it to be that way!
I really need to surrender ALL of myself, the good and the bad parts to Jesus. I can't handle myself. I should really stop trying to teach others too, if I can't even handle myself.
Sigh.
It's so hard to keep my mouth shut sometimes!
Because the Wifi at school has been "under renovation" for the past two days, I felt that I MUST write a blogpost now before going about the rest of my stuff.
Anyway there's a particular thing that's been pressing on me for a long time now.
I realised that I get jealous very easily over stupid things.
I get jealous when other people seem to be enjoying themselves more than I am, when they're prettier, smarter, louder, quieter... It seems that no matter what the issue is, I can always find something to be envious about.
Which leads me to think that I'm not actually envious of any particular things or people. Ok, granted, there are a few people who are stronger "triggers" of my envy than others. But I think the core of the problem is simply that envy exists, in me.
It's been really aching in my heart now because that little seed of envy has grown into an obvious obstacle in some of my relationships. Somehow I can't get past treating the person better than myself because I want something that they have and I don't.
And to deal with that inferior feeling in my own twisted way, I end up visualising them as worse off than myself and then treating them likewise.
You could say that I've been caught idolising other things. Holding them in higher esteem over God.
I know that the Holy Spirit is a gift from God that is more precious than anything in the world. And that's what makes me even more upset- that my heart is so corrupted to long after something I know is worth nothing.
I know this is wrong and it's really hard to turn from this because envy is an automatic reaction in my mind. It's not like cursing when you can just shut your mouth. To turn off envy, I feel like you really need a change from deep inside your heart.
Lord, you see my weakness even better than I can identify it. If there is darkness hidden in my soul, please bring it to light and deal with it in your wisdom! I confess that I need healing in this aspect of my life. The voids which linger in my heart, the empty longings and worldly desire, please take them away and grant me a pure heart. Fill my heart with the Holy Spirit and whet my appetite with living water Lord! Help me to see others through Your eyes. Don't let me drift away from Your ways... All the relationships that are suffering due to my lack of love, I hand them over to you. I ask that You work miracles in these relationships and bring healing to my heart and the other person's as well. I ask in faith and gratefulness that You have listened to my prayer and will continue Your good work in me!
......................................................................................................................................
There's only about a month and a half left in the Fall 2010 semester, then we'll have a month off in December for Winter Break. After that, it'll be the Spring 2011 semester and then graduation in May 2011.
Time is flying and still I don't see any destination in sight.
Everyday seems crazier, like I'm sinking into an ever-expanding sea of homework and to-do lists. While the water was up to my waist before, now I feel that it's raging near my neck.
I keep wondering if I'm doing something wrong, or if God has already spoken and I just wasn't listening, or I'm ignoring His usual gentle whisper....
I don't know.
And the future still seems uncertain and scary...
Is it because my focus may be drifting off of God? I don't want it to be that way!
I really need to surrender ALL of myself, the good and the bad parts to Jesus. I can't handle myself. I should really stop trying to teach others too, if I can't even handle myself.
Sigh.
It's so hard to keep my mouth shut sometimes!
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