What's up y'all!
I have a confession to make, which makes me slightly embarassed but here it goes: I like watching MTV's reality shows The Hills, The City and Laguna Beach! Ok some of you may be thinking that that's nothing to be embarassed about because you may watch them yourselves. However, like junk food, I do get that guilt pinch doing something that you sort of feel isn't beneficial to your body. As someone who avoids Jersey Shore and The Simpsons like the plague on the very same basis, I hereby give you reason to roll your eyes at me. I mean really, I'm not as intellectual as a person I may make myself out to be...
Ok anyway, I was hunting around for some "mental junk food" to snack on in past The Hills episodes this afternoon when I stumbled upon something really interesting.... Heidi's mom's blog!
If you didn't know, Heidi is one of the characters that is shown changing from being mommy's little suburban girl to miserable plastic city woman. Unfortunately, even through the heavily-scripted plots, audiences can easily discern that Heidi is just going through life as a wreck. Not quite on the Britney level but similar to other publicised celebrity life disasters. The result of all this is her poor mother's shattered and broken heart aired on TV for all to see.
Out of curiosity, I clicked on the link to Heidi's mom's, Darlene Egelhoff's blog link to read what she had to write about her experiences. I glossed over the page almost expecting to read yet another money-grubbing mom-ster journal, but was met instead with words so personal that reading them were like walking on knives. Painful every step of the way, raw and personal.
Although I'm not a mom myself, just the fact that here was another human being baring her sorrows and hurts, acknowledging brokenness and failure in her life, touched me to the quick. Mrs. Darlene is not afraid to talk about how she has failed as a mother, how she's gone through the pain of an abortion, sexual abuse, loneliness, depression and all other things that we like to pretend we don't feel. Not only did that give me goosebumps, it apparently gave others goosebumps too. It's like she writes with a sincere pouring out of the heart... And that reminded me of the surrender Christ asks of us.
Just totally giving up all masks and pretensions to God is really hard for me. I really don't like crying in church even though it happens inevitably almost every Sunday because sometimes I feel so many eyes on me, all those strong unwet pupils staring at the weakness flowing down my cheeks. Yet at the same time my walk in Christ has always been about the surrender. My Sundays at church have been about crying anyway because God touched me so deeply that I couldn't hide the tears and emotion any longer.
It made me reevaluate the way I blog.
Who am I writing for really? Myself? My friends? Relatives?
I thought about how I sometimes dreamt about being a writer but never really just wrote, just let my pain and hurt be described in high-definition. So many of my past blog posts are written like blurry riddles that only people who know me personally can really solve. I've got so many walls up, loops and mazes fixed into my tale-telling that it's no wonder people so easily misunderstand the purposes behind my writing. Simply because I am writing behind a veil. Instead of baring my wounds, I chose to bandage them up so much that it looks like I'm so much stronger than I really am... But all it is underneath is a bloody mess.
And you know what, it's all because I am so afraid of being hurt again. I am afraid of being judged, of being looked down upon and accused. I talk about Jesus saving me and helping me all the time but what did He save me from? What did that pit that He pulled me out from really look like? Was it long and dark, or full of sunshine and rainbows?
Like when I read back on posts in 2008 or 2009, I'm like man... There is so much more going on in my head than what I'm typing out. And how are people supposed to know the full extent of my rottenness vs. Jesus' saving power if I don't honestly reveal either of them?
And I when I revisit the blog I created during my transitional period I just shake my head. It's like ok yada yada yada great job Mindy you were just praising God all the way, but how were you reaching out to others, encouraging them?
I guess what I'm trying to say is that by writing in generalities, I end up masking the failure that is me and I am not doing justice to God's work in my life. I want people to know how much God has done for me and does for me on a daily basis and no one is going to see how God is delivering me from things like pride, anger and deceitfulness if I'm hiding in my closet.
Mrs. Darlene's blog really inspired me to just forget the world and its judgmental gaze and just focus on lifting other people up. I know flak will come, so let it come! Maybe the very people whom I keep hiding my blog from are the very people who need to read about the miracles God can wrought in the ultimate idiot's life.
I'm a loser. I don't have it altogether and on some days, you might really question if I even had a heart or not. I cringe at judgmental people but I'm ten times more judgmental myself. I smirk at other hypocrites but my smirk is such hypocrisy in itself!
I am sick of it, myself, the way I write. I don't want to hide my lamp under a rock anymore.
So for the sake of everyone else who may come here feeling like they're the biggest insecure loser in the world, I'm gonna strip my bandages... If me telling you that I used be boy-crazy to hide my insecurities makes you feel less like you need to hide, then I will say it. Because now that I've welcomed Christ into my life, there's no longer any need to hide. I stand alone on His Grace. Yeah I'm a mess and I still get upset sometimes when I see other people having more fun than I am, making me want to put them down in some other way to satisfy my twisted insecurity; but so what? If you're like that too, you know you're not alone. And everyday I struggle with those feelings, carrying my cross with the strength I ask God for. I tell Him I don't want to be that arrogant hypocrite and He puts new life into my spirit.
I may struggle on and off with being completely honest with my feelings (especially if they lead to embarassment and shame), but here's a start. I believe that God put this upon my heart for a reason. Just like there is no reason to hype up the message of God to make it more "attractive" to others, there is also no reason to bandage my wounds to make myself look stronger. In my weakness Christ is strong!
That's all, and God bless your day!
I have a confession to make, which makes me slightly embarassed but here it goes: I like watching MTV's reality shows The Hills, The City and Laguna Beach! Ok some of you may be thinking that that's nothing to be embarassed about because you may watch them yourselves. However, like junk food, I do get that guilt pinch doing something that you sort of feel isn't beneficial to your body. As someone who avoids Jersey Shore and The Simpsons like the plague on the very same basis, I hereby give you reason to roll your eyes at me. I mean really, I'm not as intellectual as a person I may make myself out to be...
Ok anyway, I was hunting around for some "mental junk food" to snack on in past The Hills episodes this afternoon when I stumbled upon something really interesting.... Heidi's mom's blog!
If you didn't know, Heidi is one of the characters that is shown changing from being mommy's little suburban girl to miserable plastic city woman. Unfortunately, even through the heavily-scripted plots, audiences can easily discern that Heidi is just going through life as a wreck. Not quite on the Britney level but similar to other publicised celebrity life disasters. The result of all this is her poor mother's shattered and broken heart aired on TV for all to see.
Out of curiosity, I clicked on the link to Heidi's mom's, Darlene Egelhoff's blog link to read what she had to write about her experiences. I glossed over the page almost expecting to read yet another money-grubbing mom-ster journal, but was met instead with words so personal that reading them were like walking on knives. Painful every step of the way, raw and personal.
Although I'm not a mom myself, just the fact that here was another human being baring her sorrows and hurts, acknowledging brokenness and failure in her life, touched me to the quick. Mrs. Darlene is not afraid to talk about how she has failed as a mother, how she's gone through the pain of an abortion, sexual abuse, loneliness, depression and all other things that we like to pretend we don't feel. Not only did that give me goosebumps, it apparently gave others goosebumps too. It's like she writes with a sincere pouring out of the heart... And that reminded me of the surrender Christ asks of us.
Just totally giving up all masks and pretensions to God is really hard for me. I really don't like crying in church even though it happens inevitably almost every Sunday because sometimes I feel so many eyes on me, all those strong unwet pupils staring at the weakness flowing down my cheeks. Yet at the same time my walk in Christ has always been about the surrender. My Sundays at church have been about crying anyway because God touched me so deeply that I couldn't hide the tears and emotion any longer.
It made me reevaluate the way I blog.
Who am I writing for really? Myself? My friends? Relatives?
I thought about how I sometimes dreamt about being a writer but never really just wrote, just let my pain and hurt be described in high-definition. So many of my past blog posts are written like blurry riddles that only people who know me personally can really solve. I've got so many walls up, loops and mazes fixed into my tale-telling that it's no wonder people so easily misunderstand the purposes behind my writing. Simply because I am writing behind a veil. Instead of baring my wounds, I chose to bandage them up so much that it looks like I'm so much stronger than I really am... But all it is underneath is a bloody mess.
And you know what, it's all because I am so afraid of being hurt again. I am afraid of being judged, of being looked down upon and accused. I talk about Jesus saving me and helping me all the time but what did He save me from? What did that pit that He pulled me out from really look like? Was it long and dark, or full of sunshine and rainbows?
Like when I read back on posts in 2008 or 2009, I'm like man... There is so much more going on in my head than what I'm typing out. And how are people supposed to know the full extent of my rottenness vs. Jesus' saving power if I don't honestly reveal either of them?
And I when I revisit the blog I created during my transitional period I just shake my head. It's like ok yada yada yada great job Mindy you were just praising God all the way, but how were you reaching out to others, encouraging them?
I guess what I'm trying to say is that by writing in generalities, I end up masking the failure that is me and I am not doing justice to God's work in my life. I want people to know how much God has done for me and does for me on a daily basis and no one is going to see how God is delivering me from things like pride, anger and deceitfulness if I'm hiding in my closet.
Mrs. Darlene's blog really inspired me to just forget the world and its judgmental gaze and just focus on lifting other people up. I know flak will come, so let it come! Maybe the very people whom I keep hiding my blog from are the very people who need to read about the miracles God can wrought in the ultimate idiot's life.
I'm a loser. I don't have it altogether and on some days, you might really question if I even had a heart or not. I cringe at judgmental people but I'm ten times more judgmental myself. I smirk at other hypocrites but my smirk is such hypocrisy in itself!
I am sick of it, myself, the way I write. I don't want to hide my lamp under a rock anymore.
So for the sake of everyone else who may come here feeling like they're the biggest insecure loser in the world, I'm gonna strip my bandages... If me telling you that I used be boy-crazy to hide my insecurities makes you feel less like you need to hide, then I will say it. Because now that I've welcomed Christ into my life, there's no longer any need to hide. I stand alone on His Grace. Yeah I'm a mess and I still get upset sometimes when I see other people having more fun than I am, making me want to put them down in some other way to satisfy my twisted insecurity; but so what? If you're like that too, you know you're not alone. And everyday I struggle with those feelings, carrying my cross with the strength I ask God for. I tell Him I don't want to be that arrogant hypocrite and He puts new life into my spirit.
I may struggle on and off with being completely honest with my feelings (especially if they lead to embarassment and shame), but here's a start. I believe that God put this upon my heart for a reason. Just like there is no reason to hype up the message of God to make it more "attractive" to others, there is also no reason to bandage my wounds to make myself look stronger. In my weakness Christ is strong!
That's all, and God bless your day!
3 comments:
hoho... are you really going to make your blog and all the details in your life public? :) it's going to make you super vulnerable and naked you know? it is a worthy cause but discernment is still wise. :) but it is also true that those who hope in the Lord has nothing to be ashamed of... whatever your decision may be, jiayou! :) may God continue to touch you and make you want to spread His love to everyone who reads this blog :)
You're right. I am praying for discernment in my writing and the dealings with other people. I think that is the most important thing right now. But I will keep on asking God and wait for His answer! :)
"Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God.” (JOHN 3:19-21) --NIVBible
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