It's just another typical self-doubting morning.
I drove to school in a mess of emotions, revving past the slower moving cars as if my passing them were making me bigger, better, faster in real life.
I kept thinking about what a failure I am.
I could have gone to a much better school, if only I was motivated enough. I could have been such a fast runner, if only I started earlier. I could have been such a great musician, if only I kept up with lessons and practiced more often.
I could've, should've would've...
I think about the people in my life who used to be "behind", now studying in prestigious universities, working awesome jobs, blooming in all their talents. I can't shake that feeling that somehow, I'm just not good enough. Nothing I do or am seems to be good enough. All my gifts and talents wasted.
The ridiculous thing is that I'm usually the one to whom people say things like "oh I wish I were as smart as you" or "I wish I were tall like you". But you never knew did you? I am my toughest critic. I often feel like a big loser.
Perhaps this is why I'm having such a hard time deciding what I want to do after graduation. Because somehow, underneath it all, I just feel inadequate and weak. I don't feel like I got much education, tact or physical strength anymore. At least not as much as the average Jane/Joe next to me.
Then God said through Mark Hall's testimony...
I drove to school in a mess of emotions, revving past the slower moving cars as if my passing them were making me bigger, better, faster in real life.
I kept thinking about what a failure I am.
I could have gone to a much better school, if only I was motivated enough. I could have been such a fast runner, if only I started earlier. I could have been such a great musician, if only I kept up with lessons and practiced more often.
I could've, should've would've...
I think about the people in my life who used to be "behind", now studying in prestigious universities, working awesome jobs, blooming in all their talents. I can't shake that feeling that somehow, I'm just not good enough. Nothing I do or am seems to be good enough. All my gifts and talents wasted.
The ridiculous thing is that I'm usually the one to whom people say things like "oh I wish I were as smart as you" or "I wish I were tall like you". But you never knew did you? I am my toughest critic. I often feel like a big loser.
Perhaps this is why I'm having such a hard time deciding what I want to do after graduation. Because somehow, underneath it all, I just feel inadequate and weak. I don't feel like I got much education, tact or physical strength anymore. At least not as much as the average Jane/Joe next to me.
Then God said through Mark Hall's testimony...
That He doesn't need me.
He doesn't need all my talents and abilities to build His kingdom, to shine for Him.
God is going to build it anyway, with or without me... but He is asking me to come along, because He wants me. He wants me with all my inadequacies so that in my weakness, He can be strong. He wants me in all my imperfections so that He can do the work and I will not be able to boast that I did anything, but only by the power of God.
Sometimes I just think it's really pointless to keep doing something when others are much better at it than you.
But it's those times like today when I forget that only God is perfect.
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