Horsie & Byebye To Ashley

Finally! I get to blog about the past few days.

We'll start with Sunday 2nd January.

Church was really intense. Microphones were passed around and people shared stories about what they were grateful to God for in 2010. Before long my eyes were dripping wet as I recalled how time after time, God lifted me up and brought me to new heights. Even a sinner as I was! So undeserving and low, but He reached out to me in love and never gave up on me.

I felt in my heart that I absolutely had to say something about how my father's prayers have been powerful and effective in my life, so as to encourage the other parents who have shared how they were still praying for their children. I wanted to tell them that God IS listening and that if my dad had given up praying for me, who knows where I would've ended up now?

Yet I did not have the words, nor could I pull myself together enough to even sing properly. So I prayed that God would give me the opportunity and the right words to speak. And guess what? He did! In a really awesome way!

Stephanie who was sitting right next to me took the mike next and starting saying everything I felt like I needed to say. Every word and sentence sounded like it came straight from my heart. I was so grateful to God for answering my prayer (again!).

After church, Ashley and I went to Haycock Stables for a little horseback riding.

The weather hung nicely around 5 Celsius and I wondered if the horses liked the way it felt.

I didn't know that Ashley was such a horse fanatic, but she really was! I barely brought the car to a stop when she had already started opening the door and was about to jump out.

We rode for about an hour on a trail near Lake Nockamixon and trotted a bit.

The last time I rode here, the horse ran off and didn't stop even when I pulled the reins back. This time, I prayed before I got on the horse and everything was different. Summer (the horse I was riding) was very sweet and obedient the whole way. The ride was so pleasant and smooth and I got a good workout.

I had almost forgotten, but the ride brought back fresh memories and desires again. I too, was once a horse fanatic. But I very practically shoved those dreams about horses into the back of my brain and heart at an early age because I knew that we could never afford horse lessons, let alone a horse. I didn't want my heart to ache after something I could never have and so I bent my focus away from the thing I loved.

But now that I've been riding on a horse, all those dreams came rushing back.

Except this time, they are not so unattainable. But if I were to pursue this, it would still be a painful expenditure. Five lessons costs 125USD, which is considerably cheaper than the 500 or so SGD they'd charge in Singapore, but it is not money that I can casually spend.

Logically speaking, this is quite out of the question for me. So, I guess I should stop dreaming about it again...

Later that evening my parents brought us out for super awesome Vietnamese food.

I'm not sure why but my spicy rice noodles didn't have the same "shiok" factor as before. The MSG level seemed right though, so it must've been a lack of chilli peppers or something...

This morning I drove Ashley to Newark International Airport.

In all, she spent about two weeks here in Pennsylvania. Now that she's gone, the whole house seems really quiet. There's no Blackberry "bling-ing" away in some corner, nor are there appreciatives murmurs of "MMM" being uttered every few seconds at the dinner table.

Now that she's gone, I realised that I actually haven't interacted with people too much this past semester (excluding churchies). I basically locked myself away in my room all the time and never just spent time with my roommates. Come to think about it, maybe it's always been that way in my life.

Ashley grew up in a big family, constantly surrounded by siblings and cousins of similar age. On the other hand, I grew up surrounded by neighbourhood kids whom I forced or scared into being my playmates.

What a difference!

There were just many things that I realised about myself over this break. One, that I am actually very anti-social even though I seem to be a social person on the outside (or at least I used to seem like one). But all that noise that I make on the outside is really a mask over what I really am inside. Who I am inside is a person who is used to being alone with my books and imagination. That is where I am most comfortable. On the other hand, Ashley is very comfortable with being in close proximity with other people, while I seem to naturally shun people and prefer sitting in a corner.

Then there are times when I really want to be bubbly and hang around lots of people, but it is a very inconsistent feeling and my methods of interaction are a little "unorthodox". Just ask anybody who's ever been in the same class as me.

I wonder why? Hmm...

Tonight's one of those nights where I'm just going crazy thinking about what I want to do after college. I spent hours googling everything that popped into my head at once and had a few fruitful conversations with friends and family. Still, I just don't have the answer.

I just wonder, am I trying to "hear from heaven, but I talk the whole time"?

Eileen says that my prayers should be more specific but as I've mentioned, that can be a little difficult if I don't even know what I want.

God, I don't know what I want anymore. I am just so confused and overwhelmed with all these options and choices that they may be blocking Your voice out in my head. Help me to clear all the other voices so that I may hear only Your directions. If You are putting something upon my heart, help me to see it clearly and not deny You. Direct my steps and show me what my next step should be Lord, and bless the road that I am about to take. Lord, I ask that You will bless whatever I strike out to do with success so that I may know that it is pleasing to You. Show me Your favour and grant me discernment in all these things. I trust in You alone! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!