Getting To My Wits End

It's been a week eh? Since I've written here... The reason for that is not that I've been overly busy; nor was it because I had nothing to say. In fact, I don't even really know why I haven't blogged in a while. On several occasions, I actually wanted to. I just didn't do it. 

Honestly, this past week has been kind of frustrating. I feel stuck in some sort of strange mood. I know I'm supposed to be looking for jobs but I've lost all motivation. I know I'm supposed to be waiting on God, but I've lost all patience. And I also know that I'm supposed to be loving and kind to those who hate me, but I'm coming to the end of my rope. I've fasted twice already and keep having these on/off moments with God. Now that I've been off for a while, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm pretty close to giving up.

I guess for some of you reading this blog, this may come as a surprise. When I post statuses like: "I don't have it altogether all the time", do you not realise that I really mean what I say? I am as imperfect as an imperfect human being gets. In fact, you may call me "depraved" and "retarded" at most times. Yes, I have Christ living in me. But sometimes I feel sorry that He has to live in such a crazy place. 

I know all the right things I should be thinking, saying or doing. But why aren't I? I try so hard. I really do. I read the Bible. I pray. But I keep falling short. And right now I just don't feel like trying anymore. I don't feel like asking God or anybody anymore. I just don't feel like doing anything. And what I'm left with is this overwhelming sense of confusion. Why doesn't God just give up on me? I really seem like a hopeless case... 

Last night I just felt so exhausted from myself- my lack of patience and faith. At the point of falling asleep, I really wasn't sure if God would still love me in the morning. 

I spent all this morning avoiding Him. 

I guess I'm afraid of what He has to say. 

Maybe something along the lines of, "you're such a failure," or "you were never Mine in the first place," or "I'm leaving you for good". 

Stupid right? Would my Loving Jesus, full of Compassion and Grace ever say these things to me? 

But still, I feel it in my heart. My doubts and fears keep welling up and I'm getting weary from running these things over and over through my head. Like I said, I don't feel like trying anymore. I'm pretty close to my end. I feel guilty for saying this, but it's the truth. It's just how I feel- like I'm being bounced around in a four-walled padded cell, going nowhere. 

Then just a few moments ago, I read about a demon-possessed man whom four very godly disciples of Jesus were somehow not able to help. They prayed fervently until four in the morning. They tried everything they knew, but still the demons refused to leave.

"Suddenly, while we were all sitting down in defeat, the Spirit of God came upon us and the demon-possessed man started shaking uncontrollably. We jumped to our feet and laid hands on the man. Immediately the demons left him. We learned a lesson that morning. When we arrive at the end of our own strength it is not defeat, but the start of tapping into God's boundless resources. It is when we are weak that we are strong in God." -The Heavenly Man

It is really true, that God speaks to us everyday. It's just a matter of whether we are listening or not. Even as I wasn't exactly listening hard this morning, these few sentences really stood out to me. 

I don't know if I'm at the end of my rope yet. But at least now I don't feel so guilty about feeling hopeless and defeated.