Making History & Everything Else

Without further ado, let me just say that us girls won our MAACs Indoor Championships yesterday, against all odds!

Even though we're still in the midst of winter, yesterday's temperature soared at 18 Celsius. Warm enough to walk around in shorts and a T-shirt!

Actually, when I got up this morning, I wasn't a bundle of nerves like I usually would be. All the doubts and questions that were flying through my mind kind of vanished as well. The only thing that I was really focused on was doing one thing at a time. I simply told myself that I had run the 5k so many times before that it's not as if I don't know how to race it. All I had to do was to focus on the task at hand, and that's exactly what I did.

When the gun went off, I didn't run out fast like all the other girls did. I stayed in second-to-last position and stayed close behind the main pack. By the first mile, some girls in front of me had gotten tired and so I started to pass them one by one.

The result of being patient early in the race was that I got a personal record of 20:11:76 for the 5k.

Even though it's a personal record, I didn't feel satisfied simply because deep inside, I'd wanted to break 20mins. But it's okay. The all-important race for me is still about two months away so this is just a bypoint to where I want to be.

What's even more incredible is that for the first time in Saint Peter's history, the women's track team won the Metro Atlantic Athletic Conference with a cumulative score of 196. Points are awarded to the top 8 scorers in each athletic event and then totalled for each team.

Honestly, the full force of the fact hasn't even begun to hit me yet.

To win the MAAC conference for the first time during my senior year is nothing short of a miracle. Even the alumni who came to watch us run couldn't believe it. They were all mumbling that when they were still on the St. Peter's track team, this would never in a million years have seemed possible.

In a way I feel both blessed and guilty that us seniors may enjoy this privilege. A lot of what the team accomplished was carried on the shoulders of our freshmen and sophomore girls. But as seniors we bore the brunt of recognition and glory.

And yet......

Why do I still feel so sad?

As I watched my teammates joyfully call their friends and parents after the meet ended to share the good news, I was reminded again that I have nobody to really share this victory with. Even my personal victory of shaving 24 seconds off my time seems stupid if I can't share it with someone who can appreciate it.

I know my parents and some friends will probably give me the whole courtesy of "oh you did a good job" and all, but sometimes it just makes me even more mad to hear that.

Good job? You have no idea...

All they see is the end result, but they never knew how many stairs I had to climb to get to this point. All my mental and physical struggles... Each one of them got me to this momentous point. My parents don't even know what kind of a difference a 20:11 5k makes for me. They ask me questions like "did you win your race?" "No? Oh well."

I'm asking too much aren't I? I think I am. I keep seeking human recognition for my stupid accomplishments in school, track, etc. Even though I know that all these things are meaningless, but I still long for them like a five year old kid. Why isn't it enough that God sees everything? Do I really want my parents to be there at every track meet, to pat me on my back everytime I do something good?

Maybe I do. I know I'm bitter over the fact that they keep saying that my track meets are too far for them to go to any. In all four years of collegiate racing, they've never watched a single race of mine. Whereas other people's parents, regardless of whether they're disabled or have small children or live SEVEN hours away, they've come to watch their children run at least once. It saddens me to know that my parents will drive two hours to drop someone off at the airport but won't drive one and a half hours to come watch me run even once. And they say that it's because I never tell them when my races are happening, even though I've told them that the schedules are all on the school website... I feel like they don't care. Even my dad in Singapore always seems to change the subject to talk about my siblings who are excelling in their sports in Singapore when I try to share what's going on in my track life.

I don't know... I'm just feeling super frustrated about this and I'm sick of feeling this way. Maybe it's my fault that all throughout my younger years I've always tried to push them out of my life; so now that I'm technically an adult, they don't feel like I'm their child anymore.

This is so lame...

I'm know I'm letting something lame destroy what should be a really sweet moment in time, but I can't help what I felt.

I don't even feel like mentioning this weekend to anybody because it seems as if no one understands but a few track teammates and God.

God...

I can't wait to meet you someday God, because You see all things. Before you my heart is laid bare and my plans are nothing before You. But I am so grateful to You for what You have done yesterday. You gave my legs and lungs the ability to hold out for what seemed like an eternity of 20minutes. You swept away my doubts and placed Your spirit of courage and strength in my heart. So let my heart be filled with joy and gratitude for You alone oh Lord. Turn my eyes away from earthly things and towards Your spiritual kingdom. I do all things for Your glory and Yours alone, so that I am not exalted in anyway and may boast in no other but Your name. When I meet You Lord, may this person who is always coming in last be among the first, so that You may look upon Your workman with approval and say "well done, good and faithful servant!" Help me to use what little You have entrusted me with to the furtherance of Your kingdom. Thank You so much... For believing in me. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.


P.S.

And to that one person in that entire stadium that yelled out "don't give up, keep running!", you have no idea how much I needed to hear that for all 25 laps. I carried those words in my heart for the rest of my race until I crossed the finish line. Thank you.......