30 Weeks Pregnant

Counting backwards from my EDD (expected due date), I'm currently exactly 30 weeks pregnant. That means I've only got 10 weeks or 2.5 months to go...

Grateful thoughts often cross my mind these days. I'm thankful for this remaining time when it's just the three of us- Jerry, Brendan and I. While I'm sure baby no. 2 will bring much joy to our lives, I will certainly look back fondly on this past 1.5 years that Brendan has had his mommy and daddy all to himself. In due time, our attention will have to be split between two babes. 

These days, I'm no longer able to give B all my energy. The constant backache, pelvic cramping and discomfort has pretty much left me all but partially bedridden. I used to be able to bring him downstairs to the playground, for a walk or to the pool every evening. Now, I usually stay put at home, which makes me sad because I know how much he enjoys being outdoors, just like his mommy. Jerry is having a hard time too because he now has to drive me everywhere or do things around the house after work. This usually means that he ends up sleeping very late at night and is tired when he gets up for work in the morning.

I feel guilty sometimes that I can't contribute more. I want to work more, but I can't even make it to the MRT station on my own, let alone the office. I want to get chores done, but my energy is limited to short bursts that later require an entire day of rest to make up for it. I want to spend more time playing with B and showing him the world, but even getting up from a chair is painful. But while I do feel like I could be doing more, Jerry often reminds me that I tend to overestimate my physical ability. I've been trying to listen to him and force myself to rest more these days instead of ignoring my symptoms.

For my first pregnancy, I took for granted how physically comfortable it was compared to this current one. I never understood how some pregnant women who didn't even have big tummies were acting like they were disabled. Sometimes I thought they were just exaggerating their condition for sympathy. I now understand that every pregnancy is so different for each woman. I don't even think my bump is that big right now, but my hobbling side-to-side gait would suggest otherwise. It's when I'm walking next to Jerry that I realize how slow I'm walking these days. I used to think that he was such a slow walker, but now I'm always pulling him back and asking him not to hurry ahead.

I also miss drinking wine because sleeping through the night is a luxury these days. I keep waking up due to either the baby kicking me hard, or getting too hot, or sharp pains from turning. Sometimes I forget about the pelvic pain mid-sleep and get up too quickly to go to the bathroom. The stabbing pain that ensues is the worst!

But for all the physical suffering that I'm going through, I'm truly grateful for the knowledge that this is only temporary. I can't imagine living with this sort of agony for the rest of my life like handicapped or really old people do. This has given me a whole new perspective on the kind of mental strength it takes for them to live their daily lives.

Comparing Between Pregnancies

B's in his highchair now, snacking on his Happybaby kale and spinach puffs while I wait for his food to be done cooking. So now that I've got some time, I'll just write a quick post.

I'm currently 29 weeks pregnant with baby no. 2 and I've been comparing this with my first pregnancy. This is what I've noted:

In Utero Activity

#1: I did not feel any movement until about 18 weeks. The kicks only started to get really vigorous mostly after 30 weeks. Until the very end, I have never been woken up by his kicking. 

#2: I first felt movement at 12 weeks. The frequency and intensity of kicks have been building up since about 18 weeks. Currently at 29 weeks, I sometimes get woken up by her shoving and kicking at night.

Physical Discomfort

#1: I was still able to comfortably sleep until about 32 weeks. No cramping, but I did have to deal with swollen feet and bloatedness in my third trimester.

#2: Extremely bad cramps in the pelvic and lower back area coupled with periodic cramps in the abdomen since about 24 weeks. On bad days, I can hardly walk. The penguin shuffle began around then too. However, I don't have to deal with bloatedness during this pregnancy, partly because I don't have to walk as often and I'm still breastfeeding.

Physical Ability

#1: I still felt fairly confident in skates all the way until around 26 weeks. I was able to walk easily until around 32 weeks. DDR, tennis and badminton were all doable until the very last day.

#2: I did not feel I was able to skate anymore around 20 weeks. I did play DDR around 2 weeks ago, but only up till level 13 and only one round (3 songs). Walking more than 30 minutes gives me intense cramping later on, so I try to limit sitting, standing or walking too long.

Cravings

#1: Craving all my usual foods. Did not feel nauseous except in the beginning and towards the end of the pregnancy. I did throw up involuntarily once around 30-32 weeks though.

#2: Craving all my usual foods while feeling thirsty and hungry constantly. I suspect this has much to do with breastfeeding. Was very nauseous at the beginning, lasting from 8-19 weeks. It went away for awhile, but I started feeling nauseous again around 23 weeks.

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So basically, pregnancy no. 2 has not been easy compared to the first! I don't usually like to mention this to people because it's annoying when I get comments like "oh no, that means she's gonna be trouble."

Yeah well... As if Brendan's the most perfect baby in the world! He most certainly is not.

These days, he's capable of screaming tantrums and displaying stubbornness. Especially when he's made up his mind to do something and he's not allowed to. I usually stay calm through his antics (lying limp so we cannot pick him up, throwing things, screaming and banging stuff, being defiant) and ignore him while waiting for a quiet window where I can redirect or comfort him. I don't ever give in though. If I said "no touching Daddy's computer", I really mean it! I will remove him repeatedly until he gets the message.

In any case, I am looking forward to the day my kids are old enough to enjoy each other's company. I've been prepping B by showing him how to gently stroke my tummy and be gentle with pets, children and soft toys. When I ask him "where's your baby sister?", he'll happily pat and stroke my tummy with a smile on his face. It's sweet!

Public Transport In Singapore With Kids

Before I became a parent, I've had the privilege of living in the States with a car. When I first moved to Singapore and could no longer afford to drive due to the high cost of car ownership, I gladly took to public transport since I happened to live within a 5 minute sheltered walk of an MRT station. That was when I was single... Sure, it bothered the impatient me sometimes that it would take over an hour to get from one end of the island to the other, but how could I have reason to complain when the transport system here doesn't smell like urine, is sufficiently air-conditioned and is fairly reliable compared to the NYC subway?

Things took a drastic left turn once I became pregnant. When I was single, I would sometimes sit in the handicapped seats but always give it up whenever I saw an elderly person get on the train. Sometimes I gave up my seat when I wasn't even in a handicap priority seat. However, I hardly ever found myself giving up seats to pregnant women. Why? It wasn't because I didn't want to. It was mainly because I couldn't identify them until they were much bigger.

I'm 5'11" and very skinny. When I was 6 months pregnant, you could hardly tell if I were wearing something baggy. But I remember the first time I really needed a seat and there was none. It was when I was just 3 months pregnant that nausea symptoms came over me like a dark cloud. I probably looked like a teenager with my backpack and track & field T-shirt on with a pair of exercise shorts. Desperately, I looked over to the handicapped seats. They were filled with other young people playing on their phones or "fake sleeping", as many Singaporean commuters are infamous for doing. I tried to suppress the feeling of vomit and my head started to go black. Oxygen wasn't reaching my brain. I found myself sliding down to the floor and squatting just in case. Thankfully, a seat became available at the next stop and somebody offered it to me instead of taking it for herself.

I found myself becoming increasingly resentful as the months rolled by and my tummy grew in size. I naively thought that as my physical body expanded, that my inward suffering would become more apparent to the world. People should become more sympathetic right?

Wrong. I was so wrong. Even with my stomach bulging and just a week to go before Brendan was born, I found myself standing for a full 45 minutes on the MRT. My feet were so swollen by the time I got to my destination that I couldn't walk out of the station until I had taken off my shoes and rested my legs. My shoulders were aching from carrying a small bag because I had to hold on to an upper handrail. But it wasn't the physical pain that hurt the most. It was those uncaring eyes that sat in front of me- the eyes of the young, healthy, working professionals that closed the moment they saw me standing over them. The eyes that looked down into their phones and nothing else as other old people and pregnant women came on board the same carriage. It was the most ironic sight I'd ever seen- seats filled with young men and aisles filled with the elderly and pregnant carrying heavy bags. I felt so heartbroken, I went home and cried. How could people be so unfeeling?

Occasionally, I encountered posts on Facebook that would shame people who did not give up priority seats to the needy. The comments left on those posts completed the sense of utter sorrow and hopelessness that I felt.

"Why don't you open your mouth and ask someone for a seat instead of complaining next time?"

"Can't afford a car? Don't have kids!"

"Take a taxi and stop whining!"

"Do you know that other people feel tired too? Some people have illnesses that you cannot see and they need a seat too!"

Over and over again. As I scrolled and read these sentiments, they pierced my heart like icy arrows. I realized that giving up seats to the needy was an ideal that only a minority shared. How did this society end up like this?

My first pregnancy was just the beginning of an endlessly terrible relationship with Singapore's public transport.

When it rained, I would have to take a cab. This could set me back at least $30-60 a day. I can't tell you how difficult it is to board a taxi without anybody helping you, a baby in one arm, having to fold a stroller and put it in the back and get all your belongings in the car... Quickly, I might add.

To take a bus, you're required to fold your stroller before boarding. Sounds simple enough, if you had four arms that is. One for the baby, one for the stroller, one for your things and one to hold on to the rail to keep you all from flying to the back of the bus. Bus drivers usually don't wait for you to get seated before driving off. It's dangerous, but they're on a schedule. I get it. For everyone else's safety, the stroller has to be folded nonetheless. Moms and babies can always put a bandaid on if they get hurt I suppose.

In the span of a year of taking buses with Brendan and having to fold and carry my stroller on board, I have only ever had ONE kind young man help me to carry it on board. Most other people just look at me struggling sadly or avert their eyes- as if you could look away from a suffering person and their suffering would just evaporate. Not a single bus operator has ever helped me to carry my stroller on board despite it being part of their job to do so. They routinely help wheelchair-bound people get on the bus though. I'm not sure why this is the prevalent practice.

Now that I'm about very obviously 5 months pregnant and traveling around with a 15 month old, you'd think that things could possibly get better. I'm sorry to say that it only gets worse. Just yesterday, a journey from Khatib to Newton saw me walking and pushing the stroller 15 minutes to the MRT station (I can't take the bus because of the stroller folding rule), stand 30 minutes on the train (no seats were offered) and walk another 15 minutes to my destination (again, no bus).

Let's just say I'm getting used to feeling faint in the heat of the sun these days. This is me, a former cross-country runner (my fastest 5k was run under 20 minutes) and I'm having fainting spells from bringing my toddler and pregnant self around this little tropical island. Do I count my blessings because I do not have pregnancy complications? What about those who do?

It's ironic that those who are the most willing to give up their seats are usually the elderly and pregnant women themselves. I say usually, because I have encountered parents who did not give up their seats to others as well- and I refer to the dads sitting next to their wife and kids.

Most days, after a trip on public transport, I come home feeling completely drained mentally and physically and it takes a full 24 hours for the accumulated swelling and cramping to go away. Also, being pregnant means frequent peeing. But being pregnant and taking public transport with a toddler means frequently having to hold your bowels.

I think what I wish for the most isn't physical rest, but just sympathy and an understanding. It is one thing to suffer physically, but it is another to be made to feel as if raising a family were some disease you brought upon yourself. Since when did children and mothers become such burdens to society? Why am I looked upon as a bad mother since I must struggle taking public transport daily instead of being able to afford an outrageously priced car?

I really don't think living in a first-world country definitely means comfort in every way. People talk about Singapore being one of the safest countries in the world but nobody sees the anxiety us females go through when we stand in a crowded bus or train surrounded by males. Who will stand and speak up for a molestation victim when none will even stand up for a pregnant woman?

What Singapore's public transport has given to me is something very valuable. I will never look at the swollen ankles of an old woman the same way again. When I see her shift her weight from one foot to the other, I can feel her pain in my body. When I watch other people turn a blind eye to a heavily pregnant woman and her eyes turn a watery pink, I understand how she feels. When I see people rush past the handicapped to take their places in the lifts, I sense their frustration. All of this gives me the strength to speak out for others and also patience to regard the plights of others.

These days, I've given up waiting around for my physical pain to end. I tell myself that I have to be strong for my kids and that strength cannot come from anyone else but God. Whenever I feel exhausted, a scene from the movie China Cry of a very pregnant Nora Lam always encourages me (see 1:28:43)



I shall trust my body to Him and not to people.

Giving Birth To Brendan

Wow, I cannot believe that almost two months have already gone by since I delivered Brendan! Time really flies, especially when your days and nights are blurred into one long stretch of feeding, napping and diaper changing.

Anyhow, I figured that I'd better start writing about my delivery experience while the memories are still fresh in my mind.

Every mom has a story to tell regarding each child they've delivered. I just thank God that mine did not involve giving birth in the kitchen and having to cut my own umbilical cord or something like that!

Pre-Delivery (Sunday March 15th)

My expected due date was supposed to be March 21st. However, I was thinking that March 15th would be a nice date to pop given the nice number- 15/3/15 (in Singapore it's dd/mm/yyyy). Also, I had started to feel random contractions since Friday and they were just getting stronger. They were even strong enough on Friday and Saturday night to wake me from my sleep! So I got up on Sunday morning hoping that somehow, it would be TODAY.

I think Jerry and I woke up late that morning and did not go to church because we were so tired. That afternoon, Ah Yee (my aunt) had invited Jerry to go play a game of badminton with them. I tagged along and even had a few swipes at it in despite the pain. 

During the previous night, I had downloaded an app called Full Term to track the duration and intensity of my contractions. By about two in the afternoon on Sunday, my contractions would last anywhere between 15 to 70 seconds and were about half an hour apart. However, sometimes they would be a few minutes apart or an hour apart. Basically, they weren't regular enough to make me take them seriously.

I always wondered what contractions would feel like. When they first started early on Friday, it was just a sort of dull ache like a mild period cramp. In fact, I really thought they were just some sort of cramp in my abdomen. But by Friday night, they started to feel like a bad period cramp. On Saturday night, that cramp had progressed to feel like a really bad period cramp. On Sunday morning, it was a very very bad period cramp and a lower backache. The pain would come suddenly, last for a short while, then go away. Eventually, they got so intense that it would feel like a VERY VERY VERY bad period cramp, lower backache coupled with gas and stomach flu type pains. 

So while Jerry was playing badminton, I was sitting in a chair and occasionally having to grip the sides of the chair when a strong contraction started. I'd grit my teeth and focus on starting and stopping the timer on my phone.

The funny thing is, I still didn't take my contractions seriously then. So happily, we went for a family dinner at Boon Lay after badminton. Dinner was so scrumptious! We had all kinds of seafood stir fried in sambal chilli. In between bites, I would start and stop my timer. 

By this time, some of my contractions were so painful that I could not eat or talk. I would grit my teeth, close my eyes and try to block out the world. Ah Gu (my uncle) who was sitting next to me, would talk to me sometimes and get really confused when I suddenly stopped listening to him. I explained to him that I was having contractions. 

My contractions were about 15-20 minutes apart by 8pm but still irregular. Ah Yee guessed that I would deliver on Tuesday or Wednesday. All of us went home from dinner that night without expecting that it would be a lot sooner!

So it's almost midnight on Sunday and Jerry and I are getting ready to go to bed. Unfortunately for me, the pain was more than I could bear by this point. I had to hold on to the baby's cot next to my side of the bed for support or pace about the room whenever another contraction started- which was about every 10-15 minutes now. Still, I tried to lie down to sleep LOL. 

When I realised that there was no way I was going to be able to sleep because of the pain, I called the hospital and asked them whether it was time (because I really couldn't tell). They told me that they could not assess my situation over the phone and to come in to the delivery suite anyway. 

In a very surreal moment of disbelief, I turned the lights on and woke my soundly sleeping husband (I know because he was snoring already :D ) and said "I think I'd better go to the hospital". I expected Jerry to jump up from bed immediately, but guess what was his reaction instead? He calmly said: "ok", then promptly plopped his head back into the pillow. ZZZ!!! 

Feeling another strong one coming, I sat there for a while until it went away then proceeded to wake him again. 

"Dear, I really think we should go to the hospital now. It's too painful."

Delivery (Monday March 16th)

Finally, Jerry went to wake Ah Gu to ask him to drive us to the hospital. At this point, things started to become more real to me. The very kiasu (afraid of losing/missing things) me started stuffing more things into my hospital bag which was already packed. 

Before we left, Jerry and I prayed for a smooth delivery and for God's perfect timing. The contractions were only about 7-12 minutes apart now. Ten minutes later, we were out of the house and on the way to Mount Alvernia. ETA: 1.30am, Monday 16th.

The amazing thing is, Ah Gu told us that he had taken sleeping pills at around 11pm because he had trouble falling asleep. But for some reason, the pills were ineffective and he was unable to sleep. He was actually still awake when Jerry knocked on his door past midnight!

The drive to the hospital was really smooth. Ah Gu was gentle driving over the humps on the road and there was literally no traffic the whole way.

When we got to Mount Alvernia's drop off point, two security guards were sitting at the entrance. I wobbled out of the car and one of the guards quickly jumped up  to get a wheelchair for me. At first I had declined it, but was really thankful later when he insisted on getting it as he saw me crunch over in pain. The guard wheeled me to the delivery ward and Jerry followed with my hospital bag. I think Ah Gu went home after that.

When I got to the reception, the ladies there didn't ask me many questions. I was given a consent form for an epidural in case I wanted one later. Then they wheeled me off to a ward and had me change into a hospital gown while Jerry stayed behind to fill in all the paperwork. 

When I was changing in the bathroom, I realised that the REAL bloody show had come and that it REALLY was time after all! I was so grateful to God for this visible confirmation and for the fact that I had arrived at the hospital right on time. 

Next, the nurse gave me an enema to flush out my colon. I was quite scared at first when she explained what she was going to do. The first thought that came to me was that I did not need more pain! However the passing was very soothing and I was grateful for it later. 

After being checked, I was told that I had already dilated 5cm- that is halfway to the 10cm that is necessary. I couldn't believe it- I had actually spent the whole day dilating while playing badminton and eating dinner mat Boon Lay... Haha!

I think I lay in the bed later for about 20 minutes before Jerry finally came back to the ward. There must have been a lot of paperwork to be done. Then another nurse came by and asked me how I was doing. I wasn't groaning or screaming or anything, but I was gripping the side of the bed with my face scrunched in pain. I didn't feel comfortable making those loud noises you hear women make in the movies. I felt that it would be very disturbing to the other lady in the ward next door, so I just held it in.

 The nurse gave me gas and asked me to inhale it whenever I felt that the pain was about to start. I sniffed that gas like it was the best perfume in the world.

Soon, another nurse came and asked if I wanted an epidural. The administering doctor would take about 30-45 minutes to arrive so I had to let them know as soon as I could if I wanted one. To be honest, I did not really want one because I hate injections of all kinds. The thought of getting a giant needle inserted into my lower back was just too daunting- but that was before I'd felt the strong contractions. Finally, I signed the consent form for an epidural because the pain was just too much for me to bear. I thought to myself that if the pain was this bad at 5cm and it had taken me all day to get to this point, I probably would not be able to handle the pain of dilating to 10cm if it was going to take another half of a day. Not to mention, I was feeling really tired already from the lack of sleep on Friday, Saturday and Sunday night. Immediately after I signed the consent form, I felt a wave of relief sweep over me. Jerry was very supportive of my decision even though it was going to cost us more. 

The doctor arrived in about 15 minutes. Even though it was a male doctor, I really didn't care at that point. The pain had blocked out most of my thoughts by then. With the help of the nurse who had given me gas, they got me to turn on my left side and put me on an IV drip. I was told not to move at all and the nurse held my hand while the doctor prepared the spot where he would inject the medication. I was very comforted by the warmth of her hand because Jerry was not in the room at this time. 

I tried to think of everything else but the needle. Unfortunately, I was not able to do so. So while the doctor was injecting me, I was actually imagining the giant needle penetrating my skin and pushing medication into my spine. Still, it wasn't terrible. My contractions felt way worse than the discomfort of the epidural.

After the procedure, I lay there as the pain started to fade out and I felt my lower body go numb. I think it only took about 10 minutes for me to feel the pain leave me. In fact, the pain left me so completely that I fell asleep from 2.30am to 8.30am. It was the best sleep I had gotten in days. Jerry also went to sleep on a reclining chair next to me.

We woke up feeling well rested. Thank God... I had dilated to about 9cm by that time. My gynae then came in and said we were going to start pushing in about an hour. I was surprised that she actually starts her daily rounds so early in the morning.

So there I lay for about an hour more- waiting.

I did not feel anxious or nervous, but rather excited. I kept wondering what our son was going to look like and what we were going to name him after all. At that time, it was still a toss up between Brendan and Christopher.

At 9.39am, out he came!

The actual pushing only took about 16 minutes. Jerry held my shoulders and kept encouraging me to push along with the other midwives. The way he kept saying "puuuusssshhhh" was so funny that I almost wanted to laugh out loud!

Since my epidural was so strong, I could not feel anything when it came time to push. That was a bit of a problem at first because I could not feel where the baby was while pushing. I just tried my best to imagine taking a dump like the midwives asked me to.

When Ms Wen Lim, my gynae, took out the forceps, I was shocked. All my life since I was little, when my mom told me I was delivered by forceps, I'd always imagined them to be little things like the ones surgeons use to pick up cotton balls. You can imagine the horror/amazement on my face when I saw that the forceps she was going to use was actually almost the size of my arm!

When Brendan finally came out with the final push, they put him on my tummy all covered in birth fluids. I was a little in shock. I didn't know how to react because my brain was still adjusting to the fact that he was no longer in my tummy. I also didn't really feel like touching the gooey stuff.

The midwives noticed Jerry's and my aversion to the gooey stuff, so they promptly whisked Brendan away to clean him up.

As I lay there, the first thing I asked Jerry was: "so, what is his name?"

"Hmm, I think Christopher"

Umm... Yeah... That only lasted for about 10 minutes. 

After they got him cleaned up, I was really excited and happy to hold him in my arms.

I started breastfeeding as soon as possible. 

But as Jerry and I gazed down on Brendan's face, we both realized that he looked nothing like a Christopher and everything like a Brendan. 

So that's how Brendan was named.

At this point, my brain still could not fully register that Brendan was out. I still felt like there was a baby inside me and I tried not to place Brendan's weight too much on my abdomen.

His feet were so tiny. I noticed that he got my feet. Jerry's second toe is longer than his big toe. Mine are not.

I was amused that the hospital tagged both his feet. In case I wasn't sure if both legs belonged to my baby?

Each time Brendan came close to me, my electronic tag would identify him and start playing a unique melody.

His was "Rock A Bye Baby". 

Everyone was surprised by Brendan's full head of hair. It is soft and fine like mine, but thick like Jerry's. 

The first visitors were my dad, Aunty Michelle and sister. They were so excited to meet Brendan that they came right after I delivered.

Initially, I had opted for a double-bedded ward. But when they wheeled me in there, I realised that the room was too cramped to give Jerry and I any sense of privacy. There were also some really loud renovation works going on. With all the drilling reverberating through the walls and ceiling, I started getting a headache. We immediately requested for a single room and were so blessed to get the very last one available!

Thankfully, the epidural was still in effect even hours after the delivery. I did not feel pain from the stitches as a result.

As I held Brendan in my arms, I kept thinking to myself: so this is what he looked like while he was floating around in my tummy all day!

I could not eat much of my first meal because I was so tired and nauseous (side effect from the epidural).

It's such a shame because the food at Mount Alvernia's maternity ward is SO delicious!

He barely opened his eyes on the first day and had a small scratch on his left cheek.

I loved gazing at his sweet face has he lay next to me in his little mobile cot.

Finally on the first evening, my appetite returned, and it returned in full force upon the very first delicious spoonful!

Brendan must have slept about 5 hours on the first night. I only got up to feed him again when they wheeled him in around 4.30 a.m.

I spent the entire day lying in bed because the epidural had worn off and I was starting to feel the pain from the stitches. The gynae had also inserted a catheter to drain my bladder and that was a strange kind of uncomfortable.

In the evening, Brendan had more visitors again.

Here's grandpa with his little grandson :)

Everyone had a turn carrying Brendan.

I was ultimately really grateful that we had chosen the single room in the end because that meant Jerry could sleep over. He took three days of leave and slept on the couch next to me. It was really heartwarming to watch him carry Brendan in his arms.

On the last morning, I finally felt free to walk around since they had removed my catheter. Breakfast was tasty as usual. I was sad to leave the hospital because my stay had been so comfortable. It was like living in a hotel!

We came with one hospital bag but left with a whole bunch of gifts.

I was really touched by all the love showered on us over the past few days by both the staff and all the visitors. Then again, I was also glad that I limited the number of people who came by because I really needed to rest.

We checked out of room 365 at around 12:30 p.m. on the third day since delivery. It was the first time I had stepped out of the door at all. I was amazed that our single room was in the corner next to the exit because we had prayed and asked for a quiet place to rest. This was the furthest room from all the renovation noise and I was so grateful for the peace it provided.

Here I am sitting downstairs by the reception with all of our lobang (stuff). People were staring at our loaded cart, probably wondering why we needed to bring so much to the hospital.

By 1.30 p.m., we were back home from the hospital.

:)

38 Weeks

I went to see the gynae again this morning for my second CTG scan. The last time was pretty uneventful, but today, she determined that my cervix has already begun to dilate! About 1-2cm. Eeek... I'm not sure I'm mentally ready to deliver! I met Rosa who is about 4-5 months pregnant yesterday and she told me that a friend of hers had a 10 minute delivery for her first baby! That really gave me a lot of hope!

However, I also received a bit of scary news. My gynae will be away for three days starting on my due date, so hopefully I will go into labor either before or after then! I don't feel very comfortable having some other gynae monitoring the labor process.

In other news, I've been feeling really heavy these days. My weight was 71kg this morning. Most times, it feels more like 100kg. Walking for more than 30mins usually means I'll be bedridden for the rest of the day. It also hurts to roll sideways in bed because of how heavy my belly is.

I'm really grateful for all the small and big sacrifices that people around me have been giving to try to make life easier for me. Most of it is from Jerry of course... But I am also really thankful to my relatives who have all done nice things to help make this pregnancy better.

It's just a matter of days now I suppose. I am on 38 weeks today so... Anytime now and I will get to see his sweet little face :D

36 Weeks & Stuff

Photo credit: my wonderful husband :) 

I'm smiling in the photo, but there aren't many things to smile about. A few things have been going on lately. First of all, Chinese New Year came and went. I didn't visit any of Jerry's relatives this year due to some last minute circumstances but I did get to spend some time visiting my immediate family. It was a long and exhausting weekend.

On Saturday, Jerry's dad was sent to the hospital for a bout of severe coughing that left him breathless. He ended up in the isolation ward for a suspected case of tuberculosis (TB). Unfortunately, he was tested positive. He came home last night and is on medical leave for some time.

The thing that bugs me though is that neither of Jerry's parents seem to be aware of their surroundings... Nobody's wearing face masks and they are coughing and sneezing openly everywhere without covering their mouths. I'm also worried that his dad will skip his medications since he has a habit of doing so. You're NOT supposed to skip any medication during the six months recovery period. It's left me feeling confined to the bedroom. I'm worried that either Jerry's going to catch the disease and pass it to me, or our baby will arrive and be infected soon after. I suddenly feel at a lost as to whether we should continue living in this house or if we should just move out as soon as possible. All my happy baby prepping mood just got dampened REAL fast!

I seriously never saw this coming...

To top it up, Jerry's mom has been acting erratically and doing things she shouldn't be doing. It's left the whole family feeling very worried and upset. Well, except for Jerry who has a lot of faith that God will take care of his mom in the matters we cannot control. But me? I'm struggling with it daily. I go back and forth between feeling angry (why is she still so irresponsible at this age?) and feeling compassionate (God loves her and I should pray for her). It's mentally draining and I even find myself wanting to vent on poor Jerry when he comes home, all tired from work.

I long for peace.

A peace of mind, a reassurance that everything is going to be okay. It is the most precious thing that I could hold on to right now. 

On Sunday in church, we read this verse from John 14:27. It says "My peace I leave with you, my peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, do not be afraid."

Despite everything that is going on, God wants me to not let my heart be disturbed by my circumstances, but to trust Him and to rest in His peace. Honestly, this is easier said than done! But what can I do? He has never failed me...

Nesting Instincts

These past few weeks have been nothing short of stressful. I'm currently 34 weeks pregnant going on 35 this Saturday, and until about two weeks ago, I still had nothing ready in our room for the baby!

It wasn't until I threw a fit that Jerry finally decided to hop into action. Within a day, he rearranged the entire room by taking out our closet and a chunky low table/drawer. That was just the first step. Next, we faced the challenge (or rather I did) of cleaning the whole room. And by that, I mean that I actually wiped EVERYTHING- including all the walls, down to the very last wire.

I'd been shopping around online for IKEA's Sundvik cot, which we both saw in the store and liked. But for some time, we couldn't find any decent secondhand Sundviks either on Carousell or Gumtree. Until the last minute!

We got a new cot from Carousell for 150 SGD, including the mattress. Fortunately for us, the seller's twin babies had refused to sleep in their cot since they were born. IKEA's selling this cot at 249 SGD and a pretty banged up version in their As Is section was selling for 130 SGD without the mattress in both cases. So I'd say we got a pretty sweet deal!

After much begging and pleading with a husband who really didn't see the need to get a new chest of drawers, he finally relented and we got this (brand new) Hemnes from IKEA. It's probably the most expensive thing we've bought for the baby so far, apart from the package with the gynae. I think it cost 269 SGD? Everything else, including the diaper changing pad you see on the drawers, I got secondhand through Carousell :)

As I'm getting bigger by the day, I've been finding it really hard to get out of the house. I just feel so unmotivated when I think about having to take the MRT. Seats are not always guaranteed and the weather is just too hot and humid.

I just don't feel like my old self these days. I did not use to be so... spoiled. But this last trimester is no joke at all. I just find myself wanting to rest more instead of pushing myself to my physical limits.

Also, the occasional urge to vomit isn't something that I want to deal with in crowded Singapore.

Thank God that Jerry is very understanding and tries his best to make things as convenient and comfortable for me as possible. For example, I know he doesn't like to drive, but he would drive me anywhere if I asked, just because :)

Once the drawers and cot were in place, I set about unpacking my suitcases full of baby things. And just like a daughter of my mom, I ironed EVERYTHING after putting them in the laundry. Including the baby's handkerchiefs...

And then labelled everything...

Ironing his clothes wasn't as exhausting as actually sorting through them and organizing them methodically in my head. And actually ironing made it easier to fold and pile them neatly in the drawers.

I still have a few random things to get, but otherwise, I think I'm set!

I can see him kick through my clothes very clearly now. Every hour or so, I would get either a strong shove in my right belly (from his feet), or pummeling, or some awkward stroking action from within my belly. I like it when I'm being still, but it's definitely weird and uncomfortable when I'm trying to do some *ahem* business, or eat.

Anyway, I know his days in my belly are numbered and I should enjoy what's left of them. 

Life is going to change for sure, even as it already has!

25 Weeks

On Friday, I went for my third appointment with the gynaecologist. I'm currently seeing Dr. Wen Lim at Mount Alvernia Hospital.

The last time my family came with me, my dad commented that Dr. Lim seemed rather cold and emotionless. I thought that perhaps she was just a little thrown off by the large party of people in her office. The first time I had gone to see her, she actually seemed pretty nice. I had switched to her from Dr. Chia Yee Tien at Mount Elizabeth Hospital because Dr. Chia's office was always crowded and the whole hospital environment at Mt. E just wasn't very pleasant. Jerry hates the parking situation there as well.

But I love love love Dr. Lim's clinic at Mount Alvernia. It's clean, never crowded and the receptionists are very friendly.

I was so happy to see that baby had put on some weight especially in his cheeks.

I wish I had an ultrasound machine at home so that I could look into my tummy anytime I wanted!

He's so cute.... :)

During my last visit at Dr. Lim's, I signed up for a package. It's 1,000 SGD for approximately 9-10 more visits, not including ultrasound photos (10 SGD each) and 3D scans (20 SGD each). Natural delivery and a 2 night stay at Mount Alvernia will cost an additional 2,000 SGD as well. Without the package, it would have cost 2,300 SGD.

24 Weeks Or 6 Months

As of now, I can only fit into two bras, a few shirts, one pair of shorts, two pairs of jeans, about four dresses and that's about it. Dressing for work is a pain (no thanks to ASOS for the shipment that went missing), but casual dressing around the house is great. I'd just slip into Jerry's t-shirt and boxers.

Though I'm a little apprehensive about shopping on ASOS again, I don't feel like I have many other choices. My fruitless searches on Gumtree for secondhand clothing have left me feeling frustrated. Why isn't there anyone out there who wears a UK size 8? Also, I've been hunting around in H&M, Forever 21, etc, hoping to find some stretchy dresses. To my dismay, I found that this shopping season is just not pro-pregnancy at all. The waistline is fashionably placed right in the middle now (where I'm expanding). Stretchy or jersey materials are not the rage and ultimately, I just need something a little more dressy for work. I don't need another casual maxi dress! Maternity shops here offer only expensive clothes and my other dilemma is having to find something that can fit my 5'9" long body. Let me just say, it ain't easy even on ASOS.

On Sunday evening, Jerry and I dropped by the Mothercare store in Harbourfront Centre to officially check out baby things we'll be buying in the months to come. But what I really enjoyed was witnessing Jerry's growing excitement as we went from aisle to aisle. We finally left the store with no purchases but this priceless statement from Jerry: "I think we are going to have a lot of fun with our kid". My sentiments exactly :)

So, I spent some time today on Gumtree looking around for secondhand cots and strollers. I was initially thinking of buying brand new stuff. But when I think about my dad and his habit of using secondhand furniture, I can't help but feel like it's a big waste of money to buy something straight out of the store, especially if we will only be using it for a short while. Babies do outgrow their things very quickly! I'm also determined to save as much money as we can. Who knows what may come in the future? Working in Prudential has definitely made me want to be more prudent in my life.

Oh yes, last night, baby did something really weird. He usually kicks around a little more at night when I'm about to fall asleep. But yesterday, he did this super fast back and forth kicking that made me freak out a little. I had no idea he could move so quickly at this age! Perhaps it was the DDR earlier in the evening that inspired him. Speaking of which, playing DDR this weekend gave me such a great mental boost again. I LOVE being able to sweat and feel happy hormones flooding my brain.

I also did some skating... 

Shhh.... :P

Hung out with some friends... I had a really good time :) Socialising feels soooo great!

Oh baby I really cannot wait till you come out and start skating with us HAHA! Since Eito Yasutoko said his son started skating at age one, I figure you'll be fine starting at eleven months eh? Just kidding... Can't wait to see your cute little face soon.

Oh yes I had a little panicky thought last night. I started thinking about the actual labor process and the pain that would ensue and it made me really anxious all of a sudden. I've actually been pretty calm and cool about it until recently when EVERYBODY keeps asking me if I'm going to do a cesarean or get an epidural. The response from all my supportive friends are uniform when I tell them I'm going au naturel: "ARE YOU CRAZY?! IT'S GONNA HURT LIKE HELL!"

Well for someone who's never been to hell, it's easy to brush them off at first. But you know, I can't help but think: what if I can't handle it? I don't want to faint from the pain or have to do anything drastic!

All this just goes to show- I should just stop discussing the labor process with people. I haven't heard a single "you're gonna be fine" throughout all these discussions. It's making me anxious for no reason and that's it!

Growing Excitement

My mom texted me this morning with a photo of her "loot" from across the Atlantic.

Can I just say, I'm SOOOOO excited to start buying stuff for our little one?! Especially after walking around the giant Mothercare store in Harbourfront with Lizzie yesterday evening. She's already gotten her stroller and some clothes, but all I've done is read a bunch of books.

Haha!

I've started to compare prices across Target, Walmart, Mothercare here and some other online stores like Amazon, Qoo10 and even Gumtree. I don't mind secondhand stuff at all, but it seems that most of it has already been given away now that half the people my age group are popping babies every other week.

Can't wait to fly back and walk down the lovely aisles at Target again! 

21 Weeks

What other mummies have been telling me is true: I am starting to really enjoy feeling my baby kick me.

It felt weird at first and I wasn't used to it for the first few weeks. Whenever he kicked me, it would give me a little shock because I wasn't expecting it. But these days, it feels more natural to me.

Today as he kicked my lower right tummy, I could see the movements through my skin. I quickly reached for my phone to try to take a video but it was too late. I'm sure I'll get to catch him in action someday though!

In the meantime, Jerry has been extremely patient and accommodating to my *ahem* emotional/mental needs. Being a skater himself, he totally understands how much I miss the skatepark. This weekend, he agreed to let me put on my skates just for a little roll around the skatepark. Although I didn't go pumping in the combo bowl, he did (reluctantly) let me go down a flat ramp twice just so I wouldn't feel so miserable. It sounds silly, but just being able to put on my skates did so much for my mood. For the most part though, I just stayed on flat ground and avoided the skateboarding/BMX kids.

But dear baby, although mummy is dying to skate again and can't wait till you're out of the womb, I'm determined to enjoy what few months I have left with you inside me. I hope you'll enjoy the skatepark as much as we do, because if you don't... Well I'm sure you will :)

Kicking Away

My little cutie pie has been kicking and kicking and kicking away in my tummy since this morning. I think he wakes up every two hours now just to stretch his legs and feel all over my insides. I was standing in the train this morning, daydreaming and almost forgetting that I'm pregnant when I suddenly got a small stab in my lower abdomen. It caught me by surprised and I jerked my head down in time to see his second punch pop through my dress. It was a very surreal moment. I almost wanted to ask the person next to me, "Did you see that?!"

I guess I'm starting to feel a queer sort of tenderness towards my baby. I don't know what that overpowering motherly love is supposed to feel like, but at the moment I'm more curious about what he is going to look like and what kind of personality he's going to end up with. I guess you could say that I'm very curious to meet him as a person.

Jerry is also starting to warm up a little. Before he was able to feel the baby move, I'd say that he wasn't as interested in its development. Men are such visual creatures. But ever since he's been able to feel his fluttering kicks, I can feel Jerry's tenderness grow alongside mine.

I'm almost reaching the end of my nineteenth week now and I already feel like time is flying by. Before we know it, the baby will be here and our lives will forever be changed. It's scary yet exciting at the same time to think about! In the meantime, I intend to enjoy what's left of my relative freedom :)

Pregnant & Reading

This has been the most exciting year so far! I got married, turned 25, and now I'm expecting. Talk about major life changes.

My first trimester was tiring. I felt sleepy and nauseous all throughout the day. They really should have just called it "all day sickness" instead of morning sickness. 

This is me at 17 weeks.

My belly really started showing sometime around 15 weeks actually. That was also about the time I stopped being able to wear even my largest pair of shorts. Luckily I had already ordered maternity shorts and pants from ASOS a month ago. They came in really handy when I needed them.

Some of the bodily changes that I've been experiencing recently is a little bit of weight gain in the other areas of my body. Though I think that's probably due more to my switch from a very active lifestyle to a somewhat sedentary one. I haven't been skating or playing DDR or running at all. My exercise during the day usually just consists of walking or jogging after a bus. I really miss skating though. I feel gross when I don't have a good sweat everyday.

I've also been more gassy than usual. Passing farts almost all the time now. The bad news is, they're mostly stinky ones :P (sorry everybody)

This is me last week, at 18 weeks. 

Last Wednesday was the first time I felt my little one moving for sure! At first I thought it was just gas, but the movements were too deliberate. I've been feeling him move frequently during the day now, especially after meals. Must be the noise from my digestive system that's waking him up.

Then today, I could actually feel him move from the outside when I put my hand on my belly. He gave it a good shove and it was weird/cool/wonderful all at the same time!

In preparation for what's to come, Ms Pang recommended that I read this book, Baby Wise. I'm halfway through it at the moment, but I find it to be extremely useful in giving concrete tips on how to schedule sleeping and feeding times. I also love that the writers of this book have Christian backgrounds (I bought this at SKS, a Christian bookstore in Singapore).

I've been hearing from many different mothers and mothers-to-be on what they think is best for newborns. I've also had my own experience with caring for babies to look back upon. All in all, I'm very happy with what I'm discovering in this book. I agree with its principles and it makes for a pleasant read altogether. And of course, I would highly recommend it to anyone who is interested :)

Another book that I'm reading is Sacred Marriage and this was recommended by Kim who is also reading it now with her husband. Because their relationship is such a good example to me, I thought, I'd better read what they're reading too! So since i was gonna pick up Baby Wise from SKS, I got this too.

The funny thing about Christian books is that, they ultimately all lead back to the same thing, or in this case, person.

With a title like Sacred Marriage, you'd probably expect the content to be quite different from books that are written for singles right? But what I've found is that whether you're talking about marriage, or struggling with addiction, or trying to build a church, or striving to be a holy single, the ultimate purpose of all of these experiences are still one and the same; that is, to become holy, or more like God.

Sacred Marriage purports that marriages can be like a refining fire, one that is intense and at times painful, but is necessary to mold us into a people set apart for Him.

I'm also halfway through this book right now and I'm sharing what I read with Jerry as I go along.

And that's all the updates I have for now.