"Very Truly I Tell You"

As I was reading John 8:12-59, I couldn't help but imagine a certain caricature of Jesus that his disbelieving audience must have had. The words "arrogant" and "delusional" come to mind. 

"You are not yet fifty years old," they said to him, "and you have seen Abraham!"

"Very truly I tell you," Jesus answered, "before Abraham was born, I am!"

Even at the risk of being stoned, the truth continued to pour out from Jesus' mouth. It was almost like couldn't help himself. You would think that a more effective way to keep from being killed would be to keep one's mouth shut. He was certainly capable of being quiet when he wanted to be (Mark 15:3-5). His escape from the temple grounds indicated that he was not yet ready to die.

In fact, as I read from the beginning of Chapter 8, I found myself wondering why Jesus would bother to continue explaining himself so plainly to a crowd that was being hostile and unreceptive. 

Were there some people in that crowd who were actually listening? Perhaps Jesus meant those words for them instead. Or perhaps some things simply needed to be said for the record. I am not entirely sure; these are simply speculations.

Simultaneously, I find myself in awe of the audacity and courage with which Jesus spoke the truth. From the perspective of the unbeliever, whatever Jesus said was extremely ridiculous. I am sure he knew that. And the only reason why that would not bother him one bit is that he knew the absolute truth. Not only did he know it-- he experienced and lived it. 

What truths am I living and so closely identified with today, that it would pour forth from my mouth in spite of a murderous audience? How do I discern what is the right place and time to proclaim the truth? I find myself unable to say for certain, not because I do not know what is the right answer, but because I know I have not been put up to the ultimate test. 

Perhaps I am not ready yet to answer. but I do pray that the Lord prepares me for the day I am tested by fire. It is only at that moment that the very truth that has been resting in my heart will be revealed.

Homeschooling

Apart from the Bible, there have been a few other books I read that had a profound lifelong impact on me. No matter how many times I read them (and I like to reread books), they still give me a delicious sort of pleasure in learning something new or reminding me of an idea that I'd like to implement in my life. 

One of those books happen to be Totto-Chan, by Tetsuko Kuroyanagi. I first read that book when I was 8 or 9. It was an instant hit as I found myself relating almost completely to the protagonist's experience of being misunderstood and labelled by all her teachers as "naughty". How I envied her happy position of being expelled and moved to a better, more fun school! I too wished at that point that I could also learn what I wanted when I wanted.

At that age, I would have been happy doing just a few things each day-- playing with other kids at a playground, exploring my neighborhood, reading book after book, and doing art. Out of those four, I was rarely afforded even one of those activities daily as my hours were mainly taken up by school and a boring existence at either my babysitter's or daycare. As a result, much of my childhood was spent feeling mentally unchallenged and physically restless.

Even before Covid-19, I had always been inclined towards homeschooling as a result of my unsatisfactory experiences with traditional schooling. Not being allowed to read ahead. Not being allowed to explore concepts with freedom. Not being allowed to freely express myself in speech/writing/attire. There were simply too many "nots" in my way. Naturally, I began homeschooling the kids with the desire to keep the doors of learning open for them. Yet I also wanted give them the option to attend a regular school should they ever want to someday. 

The further I went in this homeschooling journey, the more I began to appreciate Mr. Kobayashi's approach to education in Totto-Chan. Perhaps there has been much romanticisation of his methods. I still found plenty to inspire and emulate in that book. Even tonight, as I am working on this year's homeschooling material, I find my mind wandering back to those railway cars filled with the sounds of children's voices. 

I can't help but see how God has been preparing me in odd yet apt ways, for a life that I completely could not foresee. It helps to recognize His guiding hand even in the ways of failure, because it comforts me to know that He uses even those moments for the good of those who love Him. How wonderful it is to be able to live in that knowledge! I feel reassured that although my best will fall short, and so will my children, God will still use every bit of it for good. Nothing goes to waste. 

2020 Updates

Wow!

Has it really been THREE years since my last post??

Personal time has been a scarce resource, even now during the global COVID-19 pandemic when we are all locked down at home. That I could be sitting here blogging at 03:41 is a testament to my chronic insomnia and not the availability of excess personal time.

The last time we went to the gym was on February 18th. Even as the gym reopened three weeks ago, we have since cancelled our membership. I miss it terribly as it was one of the only times that I could have time to myself during the day.

Well, plenty has changed in the past three years.

For starters, I am now officially a mother of three children. 

I know. It's crazy to think about.

B is 5, L is 3 and D is just a wee four months.

It's ironic that I feel like I haven't done much with my life since I've gotten married. Yet as I am typing this out, I realise that this is not true at all. In the past five years, I've moved houses seven whopping times, popped out three kids, and grew as a person (as marriage will inevitably force you to). Yet such is my insatiable nature that all of this still doesn't feel like any sort of accomplishment. I constantly wonder what else I could be doing, without appreciating the work that I have done so far. Part of me longs to be out in the working world or at least working on a business idea. The other part of me argues that I would be even more exhausted after doing that and wanting to spend quality time with my kids. I don't even have much of myself to give these days without needing to collapse into my bed or zone out to give my overactive brain some rest. Of course, there is also the third part of me that thinks that whatever I do is meaningless.

D has been such a ray of sunshine through these dark times. His vibrant smile and flirty eyes instantly bring me into a realm of puppydog love.

This love that I have for him is an odd mix of loathing for the physical labor as well as longing to soak in all that his babyhood has to offer-- sniffing his feet, hair and kissing his chubby cheeks.

If I could give myself some advice for the past two babies, I would have told myself to enjoy it as much as I could instead of always looking forward to the next stage. But of course, knowledge does not always mean action will follow... I'm only learning this now despite hearing similar advice from many other older parents because I have finally experienced it.