Friday, February 27, 2009

Food and Weather

The tenacity of such plants never fail to amaze me. Look! It's in between two slabs of concrete, right next to a exhaust-ridden busy highway, in the middle of winter, all shrivelled up, but still this plant is hanging on for dear life! And come spring, it will burst into green again...

It was actually very nice driving through gentle rain today. It reminded me of Christmases in Singapore for some reason. Maybe it's because it always pours during December.

Went for Vietnamese with the family and killed two bowls of noodles as well as various assorted appetizers and a glass of soy milk.

I particularly enjoyed watching my little brother (who has now discovered the pleasure in hearing his own voice) and his antics across the table.

Yet even after we got home, I continued hunting around the kitchen for more food.

Enough is never enough is it?

I am currently working on a few personal projects named "making amends" and "getting things done". I'm going through a list of people that I have bad blood with and making things right again in anyway I can. No matter how small the issue, I feel that it is very important to do this before I move on with the rest of my life. I don't know why, but I've always made best friends out of my enemies. Why am I so weird like that? I don't know! I have cut that trend though. I don't think it's a very efficient way of meeting people and it fails after puberty hits and you're no longer cute in a little kid sort of way. Also, there's a pile of to-dos that I keep putting off. Like taking a bath.

Just kidding.
Hah. No, really...
I need to take a bath soon. I've been putting it off because of my fresh piercing.

Today's weather was gorgeous again, but it looks as if we'll be in for another week of below freezing temperatures.

I love that this winter seems neverending! Now I'll REALLY appreciate summer when it comes!

Pride Comes Before A Fall

Hair-flipping and frowning in the mirror is such a therapeutic thing. Actually, I was going to smile, but I got an itch on my neck right when I pressed the button. Afterwards, I realised that I didn't feel like camwhoring anymore.
What an interesting day.

This afternoon, I happened to pass through a section of Jersey City that I'd never been to before. It was surprisingly beautiful! I mean, I always imagined this place to be just a broken city of ghettoness. Yet today something really struck me about how the sun reflected off all the old architecture and broken roads. During the drive, I kept hearing this song in my head even though Tiesto was playing.

Oh really, the town was lovely! Not to mention, the cemetery on Garfield seemed far from scary. Looking at the tombstones, I couldn't help but wonder who all these people were. The cemetery looked way overcrowded. There weren't any flowers on any of the stones; and although some of those figures were impressive in size, I couldn't help but think... What's the point in having a giant tombstone? Instead of taking up more space after my death, I'd rather that people remember me because of something significant that I contributed to their lives, rather than force my memory on them in shape of a large cold marble slab. Actually, I'd rather have no tombstone at all- and I don't really think I'd care about what they did with my body.

Depressing talk!

Today is actually a great day to count my blessings. All I really needed to do was to get started. Once I did, I couldn't stop. Also, I felt a whole lot better after repeating them all to myself. And it's true. I don't think I'll ever regret things that I've done in life. Rather, the only things I'll ever be regretting are missed opportunities.

Beautiful happy days make me miss family and friends more than sad rainy days actually.

My list of books to read is getting longer by the day... But I've been doing more catching up on my "movies to watch" list today. I watched "Diary Of A Tired Black Man" today and thought that although the videography or acting wasn't impressive, the points that were brought up were extremely relevant not just to the black community, but every single person that has ever been or are considering being in a relationship.

Although the movie concentrates on the relationship between a man and a woman, I felt that the issues concerning respect can and should really transcend the confines of man and wife relationships and be applied to every relationship you have in your life.

Whether it be mother and daughter, brother and sister, best friend and best friend relationships, it is so important to always treat the opposite party as you would treat yourself. Many people twist this and say that you must "love yourself first before you can love other people"; but I don't think that is necessarily true. Treating others as you would treat yourself does not mean you have to treat yourself well first; and I'm not saying you shouldn't treat yourself well either... Rather, I feel that instead of taking care of yourself first, the phrase "do unto others as you would do unto you" implies putting other people's needs before you. I think too often these days, it is precisely because of the fact that we put ourselves before others that we let our pride get in the way of things and we end up hurting others in order to satisfy that pride.

That's all.

I'm passing out now.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Ramen Yesterday

These days, I look forward to the times when my kitty has konked out and there is no more loud wailing voice screaming for a male cat's attention.

Yesterday was a very nice day. I met up with Desmond in NYC for some supposedly "best ramen in town yet" at Setagaya in St. Marks. And I won't lie; the ramen was pretty awesome. There's just nothing like a delicious bowl of steam rising to greet your numb face. By the time I was finished, my cheeks were quite red.
The only complaint that I have is that there wasn't a good balance between the proportions of meat, noodles and vegetables in the soup. Although I had eaten dinner before I went out, I still appreciated the warm bowl of soupy noodles after a walk through the cold windy city.
After dinner, we popped over to Pinkberry for some sweet dessert. Personally, it was a really nice treat after my piercing experience in St. Marks. Thanks to Desmond for coming with!

I never had Pinkberry "ice cream" in my entire life. Turns out it's not even ice cream. It's a scoop of yoghurty stuff that is sort of ice cream like. Nevertheless, it was so yummy and I was really upset when I finished my small cup in less than a minute. I didn't even get another one because those sugarbombs weren't cheap.
After a few minutes of sitting, Lidija arrived and I'm really glad she did. I haven't seen her for quite some time now. If I'm not wrong, it was still warm during the last time we met- which means that it was a long time ago.
Yesterday I fell in love with walking in the city again. Sure, the wind was quite relentless and cruel. Sure, there were creepy people on the train. But there's just something about turning street corners and not knowing what to expect that gets me excited.

And if you really wanted to save money, you wouldn't eat out at all. Oh I don't know. Everything in New York City is expensive.

As with everything else in my life, nothing's really worth talking about. Just the same old same old drill. Oh, and I watched "Slumdog Millionaire" and ABSOLUTELY loved it! Initially, just reading the title made me not want to watch it. I thought it would just be some boring predictable plot about some hiphop personality who's trying to make it big in the entertainment business or something... The whole movie actually caught me by surprise (yes yes... I didn't even bother to watch the trailer or read movie reviews. I just made assumptions from the title) and I enjoyed it thoroughly. Watching India's poverty from the comfort of my bed really reinforced certain perspectives that I've had for some time now. I definitely recommend it!

As for this Ode to the Nice Guys (clickable) essay, I recommend that everybody read this before falling asleep tonight.

I am working towards being a Nice Girl.

Wish me luck! And goodnight!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Running Away Song

This is the song I borrowed from Isaac's blog.

Have you ever heard a song that just spoke straight to your heart? From the very first touch of the piano to his voice pouring out every emotion into soundwaves, I felt for myself the painful intensity and the strength he is trying to convey.

And there's nothing like a song like this to tone down my jumpy happiness this morning. Sunshine really has a fantastic effect on me! I love it when people confide in me. I love giving advice, listening to problems and I love orange juice at two a.m. in the morning.

I think Kitty is due for a spay today. It's sad but it has to be done. I feel bad for my poor neighbours who has had to deal with her occasional yelling. It's just not fair. Neither is it fair to my kitty and who knows if being in heat really is painful for the female cat or not. But I don't think she'll ever experience the joy of having kittens anyway. Not that I have anybody to give her kittens to.

I realised something again last night, but it only raised more questions. However I have no doubt that whatever needs to be answered will be answered in due time, and whatever should not be answered will be left in the dark.

Almost all the time we like to put the world on our shoulders and try to believe that we are supermen and superwomen who can do it all. We believe that we can change the circumstances around us just by the actions we take. The truth is, the only real thing you can change in this world is yourself. After you do that, you can only hope for the best. The fumbling stumbling efforts of human beings can only get so far. Even then, you can never control the infinite amount of pertinent factors in a situation.

For example, let's say you really want a job and you feel that you can take certain steps in order to get that job. Well sure, to a certain extent, you can. You could get an education, build an amazing personality, write a fantastic cover letter and resume, take a shower, put on some nice clothes and learn everything there is to know about the job. Notice how all these things pertain to you? Some people try to reach outside of themselves and change circumstances other ways. Perhaps one could try to befriend the employer and get them to like you. Or perhaps a little threat here and a little blackmail there. But at the end of the day, who really has the last say? Nobody. That's because there are an infinite amount of other things that could influence the employers decision at the end of the day. It's not just about you. Think about the people in your employers' life. Think about his background, the things he has experienced. Think about the other people vying for this job. What if the employer really liked you but he got fired that day? What if he was just in a bad mood that day and couldn't take your interview seriously? What if someone else was going to get that job anyway because their dad owns the company?

I'm not trying to sound pessimistic here and say that we can't control our lives. I am just saying that instead of trying to control everything and being miserable when our plans go awry, we should recognise that we can only control so much. Past that, you have to leave it all to God. Well at least in my case, I do. That's why Faith is so important. Without faith, you'd just rely on yourself to deal with everything. And when life fails you, you start to question yourself (or your faith, if you already had one). Faith gives you a reason no matter what.

Some people think it's absurd to believe in the things that Christians believe about with no real proof. But isn't it as absurd to believe in Darwin's theory when missing links have yet to be discovered?

Anyway, I'm not up for a philosophical debate this morning.

I'm right and you're wrong.

Just k i d d i n g .

Have a great day y'all!

Monday, February 23, 2009

Third Post Of The Day

Night is here.

Midnight is coming on with its mysterious waves of dreaminess... Already I am drifting off in the uplifting arms of music.

Oh I know. I am such a weirdo.

I get all sorts of amazing images and fantasies in my head around this time of the night. It's the best time to turn up, put on my headphones... oh wait, my cat has already chewed up my headphones... Well. I'll just turn the music up anyway.

I get my best ideas right about now.

Without music I don't know what I'd do with myself. I always tried to picture my life if I ever went deaf. I think it would be a most beautiful experience (not that I wish it upon myself or anyone else). Just that, I'm sure being deaf will open up so many more things to me through my other senses. Perhaps colours, words, or skin sensations will become much sharper and be able to stir up more emotion than they ever could inside my heart.

I just like to sit in the dark with my music beating into my heart.

I imagine myself drifting off on a piece of driftwood out in the middle of a crystal ocean. Trillions and trillions of little stars above and below me... A colossal storm throwing thunderbolts and furious electric streaks across and beyond the horizon. And just me and the music drifting off into nothingness... I see gardens of white roses and breathe in the intensity of their quivering moist petals. Trees shooting up like skyscrapers up into the heavens on either side of me, ripping up the dark earth with their roots and flinging white leaves down from their ashy boughs... A giant orange fish rising from the depths of my crystal green blue ocean, larger than any building I have ever seen. gliding like some giant fairy just beneath the surface, and the smell of roses hang in the air...

No wonder people always ask me if I've ever done drugs or not, then disbelieve me when I say no.

Late Afternoon Thoughts

Second post in a few hours!

I've been feeling troubled recently, just stuck in something that I can't seem to get out of. It's almost as if my whole being has been suffering an attack of arrows and missiles. Always just as His peace comes to me and I feel a clear blue sky in my thoughts, I forget to rest on his arms. I forget to pray, I forget his gentle words and his firm warnings. And always, my forgetfulness brings grief.

Without fail, my weakness always makes me falter. Then that overwhelming sensation of unworthiness and self-loathing comes. The doubts overwhelm me and I sit in terror of uncertainty and miscomprehension. I feel far away from His presence and chilled in my loneliness.

I would have never felt this separation so strongly if I had never been soaked in His Love, in his strength and uplifting hope.

And now I stand at a crossroads once again, begging for strength and a new pair of legs.

It is truly a harsh world to live in with Christian beliefs. Almost all the time I feel so alone. No wonder it is so important for Christians to be in constant attendance at a true church of Christ. One that is deeply rooted in the Word and blessed by the Holy Spirit. Going to church is like going to a clean river and taking a bath in fresh water... The stresses, angers, despairs and hopelessness of the week just strips itself away and all you have left is Faith, Hope and Love. And the greatest of these three, is Love.

I've made it a point to memorise this because I think it is the key to everything in life.

Love is Patient
Love is Kind
It does not envy
It does not boast
It is not proud
It is not self-seeking
It is not easily angered
It keeps no records of wrongs
Love does not delight in evil
But rejoices with the truth
It always protects
Always trusts
Always hopes
Always perseveres...
Love never fails.

In any situation that I need direction on, this verse has always managed to put things in great perspective for me. I love that love never fails. It is a perfect solution to every problem in the world.

Yes. There. I made a colossal absolute statement.

I've also come to realise that even though Jesus dined with taxcollectors and did not shy away from talking to prostitutes, he did not share in their behaviour. There was no participation on his part. Rather, he let his presence influence their lives. He was like a lamp in their darkness.

On the contrary, I've been letting darkness slowly seep into my life. Yet this time the struggle seems to be so much more tremendous than anything I've ever felt in my entire life.

But an ultimatum is an ultimatum.

Like I told Tanya, you have to do what you have to do. Ignoring problems will only result in greater pain in the future. If you let a snake live with you in your house, you should not be surprised if it attacks you in the future. It is after all, a snake. It's just what snakes do.

And no matter what, I can never be at true peace until I give up everything that cannot be with the One who is inside me.

I once read somewhere, that it is more logical to live your life as if there were a God then to find out there was none, than to live your life as if there were no God then to find out that he exists in all his wonderful terrible power.

Needless to say, I am always a work in progress. I know I don't always come across as a Christian to outsiders and I think that's a horrible thing, especially since it's become the biggest part of me. With His help, I am working on it.

Accepting great things from a great God!

Monday Afternoon


I read yesterday's blog post again and it was horrible. No flow, no direction, nothing really important to say. But then again, when do I really have anything important to say? Most times I'm just spouting nonsense and random things about my life that could only interest the most bored people in the world. Which is probably you right now, reading this.

Now, about what I said before, that I feel like I'm losing my sense of style? I thought about it, and actually, I can't really say that about myself. Perhaps it's just that my style is changing. For better or worse? Who knows, who cares... One thing's for sure, I feel a lot more comfortable in my own skin today than compared to just a few years ago. Big surprise considering that I'm a lot healthier now as compared to my previous immobile couch potato existence.

Kitty is slowly getting more and more peaceful. I hope her hormones are already working their way back to normal. I've had quite enough of her strange behaviour.

This afternoon, I plan on reading the rest of my macroeconomics notes, "The Doll's House", another few chapters of "Crash of 1907", running some errands, cleaning up my place, Msning, Aiming, Skypeing, Facebooking, going for a run, hunting down Piter FM, making dinner and sleeping like a log.

It's just so nice to know that I have a full day off school tomorrow without even needing to go to practice. Sun is shining, wind is blowing... Just another lovely Monday afternoon!

Anyway, I'm done thinking about my future for at least a few days. I've been exhausting myself thinking too much about something that is really not up to me. I've been spending too much time worrying about things that I simply cannot handle. Therefore, I'm giving them all up to God and this beautiful day.

I'll just close my eyes for a little while now...

Soon the days will last longer than the nights. Soon there will be fireflies, lakeside fires, gentle days by the sea, sweltering hazy dreams on the beach.

Oh my WHOLE BODY is screaming for summer!

Friday, February 20, 2009

Friday Morning

Sun is out again!

And so is the cold wind...

The last (and most important) race of this season for the track team is today. My race is at 2230 and I'm really glad that I'm not running any individual events for this one. I don't have that kind of confidence anymore. Instead, I'll be running in the distance medley relay- the 1200m. That's six laps around the 200m indoor track.

Wish me luck!

Though all I really want is to get it done. I've been saving my shins just for this one race so I can get it over with and go back to my own little slow jogging mornings. I miss those!

Ever since my injury since December, I haven't really been jogging in the mornings because my shins, ankles and knees would start hurting so much that I can't even run at practice. Since then, I've gained about 20 pounds and I feel like shit. I can't wait for my legs to heal so I can get out and get my daily dose of high-ness again.

Anyway, hope your little miracles occur today.



My cat is in heat!!!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009


This week started with me not having much to deal with besides homework.

Tonight I am swamped with a research paper, three exams to study for, one at 0900 tomorrow morning and an important race this Friday.

Thank you God, for making my life busy once again!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Mid February Life

Some of you whom I've been vigorously talking to, know that my new favourite meaningless word is


What does it mean? I really have no clue.

I use it now instead of saying "so..." or "but"... or "eh". For example, you'd say "I went out yesterday and bla bla bla bla bla".
After you finish your story, I'd say "meh" and probably "I'm glad you enjoyed yourself".
Providing you did enjoy yourself.

The sunshine is getting stronger day by day and lasting longer and longer. It makes my heart pound with excitement. You have no idea how anxiously I'm waiting to get back on the beach and be dark again!

Yes. I may still be darker than most, but my delicious tan of 16 years is sadly fading out winter after winter. I don't care what Singaporeans like. I still prefer being tan. Makes me feel more like myself since I've been tan my whole life.

I can't wait to wear other things again. Due to the extreme cold temperatures, I've been wearing the same clothes over and over. I only have so many clothes for cold weather you see. I've already stopped wearing my boots daily. I've now reverted back to flipflops.

Oh how I missed those things!

And I just got my dad's guitar restringed. I'm currently learning to play "Dust in the Wind" by Kansas. Can't wait to take the wooden thing to the park or beach and just sit there strumming to myself.

It looks more normal than if I brought my violin to the park you know?

Saturday, February 14, 2009


♥ Happy Valentines' Day everybody! ♥




It's now 18:50 and I just got done eating dinner. I went for a nice slow jog too so I'm feeling perfectly high and awesome.

I spent this morning being crazy and high on ice cream- listening to other people's sob stories (because obviously the people with no sob stories are out enjoying their day with their loved ones).

And as soon as I got high enough on ice cream to jump around dancing to Nsync, Backstreet Boys and Britney Spears songs from back in the day, I found this song "Sugar Rush" by Ateens that I used to sing (actually, more like yell) along with.

Listening to this song now, seven years later, returned me to a different state of mind. I was thrown back to a time when love was such a simple concept.

Back then there weren't so many complications in the search for the one. Yet today I am like a scared little squirrel, bolting at any sign of a possibility. Afraid to be hurt, not wanting to take any chances... And to be honest, I wish I were this way since the beginning.

I wish I had valued myself from the start, to have the discernment and to know what's real and what's not.

Some people may think that vigorous dating can provide some very useful experience into narrowing your search for your second half, and I can't disagree. But what I do know is that no matter who you date or how many people you date, love will always be the same.

You could be with a hundred other men or women throughout your lifetime, but at the end of the day, the essence of what we seek in a partner doesn't really change.

We want to feel cherished, loved, respected and a deeper connection with another human being that cannot be shared with anyone else besides the two of you.

It is an extreme mutual attraction; that crazy spark we all know exists, which some of us have yet to experience with another person.

I was listening to radio online last night and they were talking about how sexified our culture has become after the sexual revolution of the 70s. Then this man shared a story about how when he was in college in the 70s, he lived in the first co-ed dorms and shared a room with four other beautiful women. He talked about how tempted he was every single day since sex was culturally accepted as a casual thing as opposed to the traditional ways of thinking before. He of course, indulged in sex as everyone else around him was doing- and they all seemed happy. But he shared this one incident that changed his whole life and his view about sex and love. I forget how he ended up in this place, but it was a little farm in the middle of nowhere. A typical Midwestern American farm with white furniture and hillbilly looking tenants- a man, his wife and two kids. But as he went into the house (for I forget what reason) and saw the man and his wife glance at each other, something struck him about the way they looked in each others' eyes. He recognised the spark and that smile they shared, as though they held something between them that goes beyond what he ever felt before. And it was that one look between them that made him realise that love existed. A true love that could not wane despite years gone by and the youthful charms that faded into memory.

To me, I don't think dating can bring you that much closer or further to that special someone.

I think socialising is important, but dating is a whole different matter- especially if you take things further than a goodnight kiss.

The biggest mistake you can make in your love life is to settle for something less than that breathtaking feeling all for the sake of chasing away loneliness.

Bad bad bad decision guys!

Wait it out. You know who you are. I admire you so much and think about your strength all the time. So please don't ever settle! There is somebody out there just waiting to sweep you off your feet. It may be tomorrow, it may be in a few decades... But don't shortchange yourself.

True love exists!

I promise you this! The kind that never fails- the kind that you watch in movies and korean dramas all the time... True love exists!

"And what is Love?", you might ask.

This is Love:

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is Love."

This song reminds me of what I want to feel like when I fall in love again (I'm already in love- with Him).

Light, carefree, so full of sweet joy and overflowing with...

You guessed it.


I know. I know... Such a mushy mushy post. You know you love it!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Vitaly Says My IQ Is Falling

This has been such a strange day for me.

First, the ferocious wind almost blew me off my feet and had me reeling sideways so I walked into an SUV by accident. I hope nobody saw that.

The rest of my day was filled with tittilating tales, thought-provoking text messages, a deeper loathing for economic theories and crazy crazy crazy "did you know that"s- one after another.

No. I did not know.

What I do know is that tomorrow's track meet isn't even here yet, Saturday's sad fate of a V-day hasn't arrived, and next weeks bombardment of quizzes and exams are still a week away; yet I am already tired.

I just want to lie in my kitty's arms and eat ice cream (hot chocolate on the side) with a nice big economics textbook in my lap.

Of course, nothing ever happens the way I want it to so I suppose kitty will be lying in my arms, I won't be eating ice cream or drinking hot chocolate but there will probably be a nice big economics textbook in my lap.

I wonder what's happening to me...

Anyway, if you've ever lived with a cat, you'd appreciate this video. Simon's Cat is my new favourite on Youtube!

Kitten In The Car

This past Sunday brought gorgeous warm temperatures and sunny skies. Unable to stay still at home, I brought Кошка to the park and did my homework in the car while waiting for sunset.
She was perfectly contented on the dashboard.
We had our moments.
If I pissed her off she'd just ignore me.
And so the studying went on...
As the sun sank lower, I dropped my studying for a while and turned up my stereo. Oh how time flies!
I felt sad knowing that the day was just fading away into memory. I thought about all the other sunsets or sunrises I'd ever watched and it made me all nostalgic and warm inside.
As the moon came up, I left the park and went home with a very disgruntled kitty.
Last night I went with K to the JCPenney's fashion show in NYC. Everyone else was there to network. All the magazine editors and industry people were just flying around, chit-chatting and exchanging business cards.


I'm not going to lie. I felt like I hadn't been out for a while and I was there for the food.
Oh and to catch up with pop culture.

Being the clueless person who doesn't watch tv nor listen to commercial radio (besides the Christian channel and the Russian channel occasionally), I had no idea who was who at the event.

I had never heard some of the new songs that they played, neither did I know that Kimora Lee Simmons was pregnant, or that this person liked girls or that person liked boys...

But really, who cares? They live in their world and I live in mine.

JT pointed out the celebs and what was wrong with their lives all night while I fixed my eyes on the food trays being passed around and waited impatiently for the next chocolate milkshake to come by.

It was so nice to be a guest instead of working at an event for once.

I don't see what's the point of designers if they can't design something that's not already been in circulation.

But then again, it is JCPenneys and I know none of those people in that crowd would ever wear anything from JCPenneys (unless they could get away with it, which they can't).

Seriously? Carrying a Marc Jacobs bag and wearing Chanel boots with a 50 dollar dress from JCP...?
Hmm. I don't think so.

The night ended earlier than I expected which I was very happy about.

And I know everybody loves saying this economy sucks (I know I do too) because you're almost certain to get an approving nod from the person you are commenting to; plus you sound like you read newspapers- thus making you appear to be knowledgeable and smart.
But you know what?

With this sucky economy, many people still buy useless things once a week, nobody is really bothering to save money, JPMorgan and etc are still maintaining spanking new offices in downtown Jersey City and I'm still getting interviews from companies' finance departments so... what sucky economy are we talking about here?

It's weird.

I feel it but at the same time I don't feel it. I guess I'll just count myself as being extremely lucky. There are probably some real victims out there in this intelligent scheme- I just haven't met any yet.

Whoever you are, I hope you are not reading this on your computer because if you are, then you're not really a victim. Don't whine about being poor if you still have a computer to read articles off of.

Speaking of whining, I've been trying to stop; but I realised that it's hard to stop when you've already started. Bad habits are bad this way.

Sunday, February 08, 2009

My Funeral

I'm feeling especially sore for Washington today.

It is SO BEAUTIFUL outside right now!

I know to many of you, 12 Celsius may still seem cold; but keep in mind that I've been living in sub zero temperatures for over a month now. 12 Celsius today feels pretty warm to me!
The sun is shining...

Though today in church I felt as though God was holding something back from me, I trust that he has a reason for doing so. I'm excited to see what's new in his plan for me.

As for today, it's been wonderful except for the same bouts of weirdness that I think Eileen probably gets as I do. It's not depression or sadness as she describes, but just a sort of strange... I don't know. All I can say is that it's not ecstasy.

I spent the whole day yesterday thinking, thinking and thinking hard. I had revelations every few minutes or so. It was exhausting! Then I went to the movies with TJ and watched "He's Just Not That Into You". I enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed "50 First Dates", but not as much as I enjoyed "Children of Huang Shi" if you know what I mean.

I liked that the movie had a lot of common sense in it but there were other things that made me sad.

I don't want to say what because it may offend some people (and I'm done with offending people), but I'd watch the movie if I were you lazing around at home with an extra 10 bucks. But really, who has an extra ten bucks these days?

This was my first visit to the movie theatre since... I don't even know when. I really enjoyed watching the movie with a theatre full of people. I'd forgotten the experience of having people laugh along with you in the funny moments, and hearing the collective sharp intake of breaths and the whispered "oh no's" during the "oh no" moments.

Absence begets appreciation.

Winter will make me love summer more and summer will make me love winter more.

There are so many things that I am excited to work on.
- Listening before speaking.
- Learning before sharing.
- Loving and giving without limits.
- Never backing down.
- A focus on excellence.

The list is endless of course. But when I get bogged down by life's demands, I always remember what I learnt in Pei Hwa.

Trust and Obey.

Honesty and Loyalty.

I sat down today as a death was announced by the pastor- and I inevitably started thinking about my funeral. At my funeral, if I ever had one (because what if everybody who knew me died before me and I was all alone in the world?) I'd like it to be a big lovely party- almost like a wedding. I want people to dance and sing and laugh. I want them to be happy for me, because death is a beautiful thing. To me at least, it is.

To be born is cause for celebration, but to die is a happier occasion because (and this is just what I believe in) the afterlife is an infinitely more beautiful place than this brief huffpuff of a miserable half-cup-full life that we have.


When I die, somebody please bring out the champagne, cheesecake, summer dresses, palm trees, beef burgers and smiles because I hope you care enough to be happy for me.


I can talk about my funeral without sounding suicidal right?

Saturday, February 07, 2009

Warm Weather Brings Warm Memories

I'm glad everybody got a good giggle out of my little Russian video. I plan to have more on the way so don't use up all that laughing gas just yet.

Kitty has gotten a very sweet habit of falling asleep next to my stomach under the covers. I feel her warm fuzzy presence the first thing in the morning when I wake up and it really helps.

The warm days are slowly coming back. Soon snow and frost will be a distant memory and the flies, mosquitoes and birds will come back here. I can almost smell the fresh crazy green of grass springing out from the dusty dead earth. I can already hear flowers jumping in their beds from excitement.

I am sitting at the edge of my seat, patiently and impatiently waiting for spring to wash away the memory of salt-covered roads.

My textbooks finally arrived from Amazon along with a long-awaited purchase. Yes- I splurged 14 bucks on a CD by America (whose song is playing right now), but blasting it the other day with cold wind in my hair made it all worth it.

Talking to people recently disgusts me.

I need to come back down to earth and stop judging people. Pray for me!

I am sitting here in my room and hearing noises outside...

Cars from far away.
People talking loudly in their houses down the street.

If I close my eyes, it almost feels as if I am back in a HDB flat in Singapore and the MRT is right down the street. I hear a noise and it reminds me of the kopitiam but I know it is something else.

Sometimes when home seems far away, all it really takes is some imagination and

Sentimental much?

You know, the funny thing is that it's not so much of missing Singapore...
Yes I miss buildings and nature, food, friends, memories, experiences. But at this point in my life, I cannot say honestly that Singapore is my "home". Nor can I say that America is my "home".

In a sense, I feel homeless.

I have such strong feelings of connections to Singapore, Pennsylvania, Washington, New Jersey, even China. So much so that I feel my heart divided.

What I miss is being with people whom I know care about me. A genuine warm fuzzy blanket of people that I used to have in all these places. I miss feeling a certain way in all these places. Whether it's rollerblading down east coast park, lying on my parents' deck in the summer sunshine, sitting next to the fire in the mountains, running in Bayonne park, living in my ancestral village...

Places. People.

As we travel and leave them behind, we leave pieces of us behind.

I'm just pissed that Singapore Day is in London this year.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Nothing Much

Sorry for disappearing for a few days. Food poisoning left me in no mood for blogging. But here's what I've been up to besides school and the usual.
I went to Christina's over the weekend; right before I fell sick.
Isn't Alex the cutest kid alive??? He looks just like his dad.
There was a snowstorm all day Tuesday and I had to drive through it to practice.
Everything looked beautiful as always- all covered in a blanket of white.
But I felt really bad for the people who had to be outside.
Must really stink to be a crossing guard on a day like this.
Kitty's been doing just fine.
She gets into weird crazy moods sometimes and runs around like a crazy animal but eh... I guess I'm used to it.

Consistency is key. But oh it's so hard!

Monday, February 02, 2009

My Brain Spazzing

What a day.

I'm so exhausted but I can't fall asleep.

I don't know what to say.
I feel like my brain is liquid.
Still feel kind of sick.
Love food poisoning.

I've been listening to music from the 70's recently.
Comparing music from back then and what they play now on the radio makes me a bit sad.

Today was the first warm day in a month.
It felt really good.

Sucky Sucky

I got up around five this morning because I had diarrhea. What a great way to start the day.