Wednesday, January 23, 2013

January Updates

Kinda lost the motivation to blog nowadays, even though I might have the time and lots of thoughts to pen down. Half of it is due to laziness, while the other half is just due to boredom I suppose. We simply have too many mediums of communication to choose from these days!

Well there are several things that I want to talk about in this catchup/summary post. 


Firstly, about my new job. 

I'm currently working as a full-time financial consultant and my work involves meeting people, working out their financial goals as well as matching their needs with suitable insurance products. When I first started telling people that I was considering the insurance industry, I received many different reactions. Some were extremely surprised as to why a college graduate like myself would consider entering the fearsome sales industry. Others said I would be well-suited for this type of work since I am generally an outgoing person. 

I don't really have the time or space to write down all the reasons why I felt the insurance business is the ideal industry for me to be in, but one thing is for sure- with every passing day, I am loving it more and more. I feel almost as if this job was made just for me. Not only does it meet all my requirements for a fulfilling career (opportunity to impact people's lives, proper compensation, flexible hours, opportunity to grow, challenging), it's also opening my eyes to a whole new world that I've never seen. Will elaborate on that last point next time. 

Well, as much as I am enjoying my job, I am also beginning to see that it is not an easy one. In many ways, financial consultancy is a lot like farming to me. No matter what the weather is or how tired you are, you just have to be out there in the field working everyday during the sowing seasons. There is no room for excuses and even less for self-pity. The business is your own and you really do reap what you sow. Therefore, no pain no gain. 


Next, about my two main hobbies outside of work. 

My passion for skating has cooled down quite a bit since last November. I remember how I used to be so excited when Friday nights would roll around. I would enthusiastically organise the skate every week and put in effort to make sure that everyone is able to make it. Nowadays, I don't even bother to check up on who can skate Friday nights or not. Last week, I didn't even show up, well, partly because of the weather and partly because I just wasn't that fired up about it anymore. While I know that my love for skating will probably flare up again someday, I'm quite comfortable leaving my skates in the backseat for now. 

As for DDR, I'm trying my best to control my daily addiction to it and so I haven't played for the past 2 days. I think the longest I managed to go without DDR so far, with the exception of my trip to Xiamen last December, is 4 days. 

Okay the next bit may not be understood by many, but I want to record it anyway. 

This is my progress in DDR since I started on November 9th 2012... 

Week 1: Bsp 6, dsp 8, speed 1.5
Week 2: 1st AA on Rainbow Rainbow dsp
Week 3: Esp 11
Week 4: (Went to Xiamen)
Week 5: FC & AA on dsp 10 song, esp 12
Week 6: FC & AA on LoveShine esp 10
Week 7: Esp 13
Week 8: A on a bdp 6 song
Week 9: Esp 12-13 (super tiring week)
Week 10: Got Extra Stage on my own with 3 AAs and a B, also AA'ed Theory of Eternity esp 12
Week 11 (This week): B on esp 14 songs (Fire Fire & Amalgamation), passed csp 13 songs

*****Terms used:

FC: Full combo
BSP- Basic Single Player, meaning Basic level, playing only on one side of the machine
DSP- Difficult Single Player
ESP- Expert Single Player
CSP- Challenge Single Player
BDP- Basic Double Player, meaning Basic level, playing on both sides of the machine
A/AA- These are grades based on your scores. To get a AA, you must be very rhythmically accurate. Highest is a AAA (pros achieve this grade fairly easily)

My goal in DDR for the upcoming month is to be able to score at least an A on an Esp 15 song. Right now it just seems impossible. The arrows don't even make sense to my eyes, but Steven and Raymond say it's possible, so I'm hoping that they're right! Apparently the top female players in Singapore are able to get a PFC (perfect full combo, probably at least a AA) on an Esp 15 song. Man, if I can achieve that standard soon, I will be so happy! (Cue song: "I'm So Happy"... Hahaha....... Nevermind...)

Sigh.. Whoever would have thought that I'd have this strange addiction to an arcade game 2 years ago?


Alright, last but not least, my walk with God. 

If I were to be completely honest with myself, I'd say that my spiritual life has more or less taken a backseat. With all the playing, working and skating around Singapore, I've been spending less and less quality time with God. And because of that, I've been finding it more and more difficult to live a pure and blameless life. 

Take for example my mouth. I used to be more loving and kind with my words, but recently I've found that old spiteful and irritable speech popping up unconsciously again. The worst part is, I feel my heart growing immune to it! It's not even about using bad words, but more like the attitude behind my every sentence. Instead of lifting people up and encouraging them, I've been focusing more on pleasing myself. 

I know that this is displeasing to God, but somehow I just feel my heart getting so cold. 

Last Saturday at fellowship, Eileen was talking about feeling like running away from God even when you know you should run towards God instead. I could totally relate to everything she was saying since I've been feeling that way too. 

It's like you know the right thing to do, but somehow you still disobey God and you feel guilty about it. Yet instead of bringing your sins to God and asking Him for forgiveness, you feel overwhelmed by your guilt instead and try to hide from His love and grace.

It's such a struggle, and even now as I'm typing, I still feel torn... 

Dear God, You alone know what is going on inside my heart. I don't even know what to say or what to ask for anymore, but whatever it is, I just want to be close to You again. And if it takes a storm to bring me close to You, I ask that You will send the rain. Help me not to take Your love for granted, but also help me to accept Your unconditional love and forgiveness. I pray for healing in my heart, for all the many hurts that only You know I have suffered. Fill me up once again with Your Holy Spirit so that I may rest in Your peace. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen. 

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Anger At The News

I'm so angry right now and my heart is racing like mad. 

Though I'm supposed to be studying, I just gotta write this blog post to release my feelings. 

I just read the Wikipedia page for the recent New Delhi bus rape case that happened in December 2012. It is a much more detailed report on the entire case, with information being pulled from various news sources.

As I was reading about the atrocities that were being done, a white hot flash of anger started welling up in me and I couldn't help but just burst out in tears for the victim and her family. Just thinking about the ordeal she must have went through, and having to fight for her life and dignity afterwards is mind-boggling. The last time I felt this outraged, I was reading The Rape of Nanking and another book about the war atrocities committed by the Nazis during World War II. I remember having my sleep and appetite affected after that. All I wanted was to somehow exact revenge on every single one of those MURDERERS!

Even just now as I was reading, I thought to myself: how would those men like to have the same exact thing done to them! Death penalty is no penalty for them! They should be tortured to death instead! Make them pay!

However in the heat of my anger, I felt a gentle voice say to my heart:

Mindy, this anger you feel your heart right now, just think about how God feels towards ALL sin. He does not differentiate between a gang rape and a malicious gossip. God is HOLY, and He cannot tolerate sin because He is RIGHTEOUS and JUST. So this anger that you feel towards the gang rapists right now, imagine it magnified an infinite number of times, focused on YOU. Yes you, because you were born with sin. You were once a liar, a thief, a murderer and a slanderer. Now think about all those consequences that you imagined for the gang rapists, and think about how you actually deserve all that as well. Okay? Then, think about who Jesus came to save and how He died on the cross for ALL. Don't count yourself a "lesser sinner" than them, because that is not how God sees all men. 


What can I say Lord Jesus? Your ways are higher than my ways, your thoughts higher than my thoughts, as the heavens are higher than the earth. Thank you for giving me an answer about this dilemma in my heart and for correcting my views on it. I pray and ask that You would bring healing to my heart and help me to forgive others as You have forgiven me. I thank You for dying on the cross and paying the ultimate sacrifice for our sins. If You did not die that terrible death and suffer on our behalf, we would have been lost for all eternity. Thank You Father, for providing the Lamb and for Your love that is immeasurable and incomprehensible.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Are You Testing Me?

These past few days have been absolute garbage for me. Tuesday afternoon, I skated to ECP to teach Alverina how to ride a bike. It was the first time since October that I'd been out in the sun doing strenuous exercise. When I was only about 200m away from our meeting point, I suddenly felt light-headed and weak, and realised from a previous experience that I was just seconds away from blacking out. Fortunately there was a bench right next to the place I was standing so I quickly sat down to regain my senses. 

Since that day, I've been having diarrhoea non-stop till late at night, feeling dizzy, feeling like vomiting, and worse of all, feeling weak. Even small things like chopsticks can feel so heavy to me at times. 

Guess for a person like me who doesn't like to appear weak or depend on others, this is quite possibly the worse type of feeling ever. 

Last night, I began to feel a bit better and stronger, but my itchy legs and stubbornness got the better of me and I ended up playing 5 games of DDR. It wasn't even like I didn't know it was a bad idea... 

Well today I almost showed up late for an exam that I have to retake and I ended up failing it again anyway. 

Couple this with a few other headaches: running out of reserve cash, feeling spiritually locked and feeling very hopeless... 

If this is a time of testing, I must say God, that I feel very tested indeed... 

Thursday, January 03, 2013

Hello 2013

What an exciting and fun past few days it has been! I ushered in the new year with some friends watching fireworks at MBS, something that I've been wanting to do ever since I came back to Singapore. The fireworks were really awesome and I was not disappointed with my choice in year end activities. 

But now that the holidays are over and people are returning to work and school, I've been attacked by a sudden bout of depression. I don't even know if "depression" is the right word to use. It's more of a mix between restlessness, anxiety and tiredness. I don't know what in the world is the matter with me, but I do know that it is a strong indication that I need to spend more time with God. I guess I've just been so caught up in having fun and having more fun that I didn't spend enough time resting in His Word. 

It's really true what God says in the Bible: "I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing" (John 15:5) 

When I am close to God, I really feel as if I could break walls with my bare hands. However when I don't feel as close, I feel so weak, like a pool of melted wax. 

Dear Lord Jesus, help me to start this year off on the right foot. Bring back my ever-wandering mind and heart to you, so that I can sit still at your feet and listen to your life-giving words. Apart from you I can do absolutely nothing; but more importantly, apart from you I have no life in me. I pray and ask that you will give life to this aching and tired heart of mine. In Jesus' name, Amen!