Weakness

Remember that feeling of having just cleaned up your room? The floors are sparkling, books and things are put away, the dirty clothes are in the laundry where they belong and the windows are open to a gentle fresh breeze. 

However a week goes by, and a little pile of dirty clothes starts to grow in the corner like an infestation. Another week, and the floors start to feel mucky, but you don't notice it immediately. In a month, a funny stained odor hangs about the bed but you are the only one who can't smell it. 

In a way, I feel like my walk with God has come to this point. 

I've let other things distract me and cloud my vision. Fear and anxiety have crept into my thoughts and estranged me from the truth. I live with less and less conviction each passing day. 

But last night, He spoke to me. 

I did not realise I needed a major clean up until God pointed out how disgusting my room had become. I've ignored the stains for far too long and I know I cannot continuing living this way before I fall sick. To top it off, I've been shoving all these things under the carpet instead of fervently praying to God to help me. Though it's quite obvious that I cannot help myself... 

All these walls that I've built, it's time to tear them down. 

"I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron" (Isaiah 45:2) 

Dear Lord Jesus, I am so weak, there isn't a single thing I can do without you sustaining me. I pray that you will remove my false pride and strength, scrubbing clean the floors and walls of my heart. I ask that you would teach me genuine humility so that I will submit to your every Word. I praise Your name because You are the sustainer and giver of Life. Amen.

Something At 06:39

Wow, check that time out! I haven't been able to sleep all night; partly because I can't and partly because I didn't even try. And even if I did try to sleep, I don't think it would be possible. I currently feel energetic enough to go out for a run. I see the sky outside's been getting brighter by the minute now and my feet are getting itchy. 

Where is this fast taking me anyway? 

Why haven't I been able to sleep at normal times for the past few nights? Where is all this energy coming from?! Sitting home all day??? 

I want to do something. 

And not just something, but something helpful. Something... I don't know what. But something! I've got to do something... 

Mmphf. 

Trying to focus on God is actually getting harder. Why? Is it because I'm trying too hard? Is it because I'm relying on myself and not asking the Holy Spirit to work instead? I don't know what it is but I'm getting antsier by the minute. 

Okay, that's it. 

Come 07:00, I'm going for a run! 

Fasting For Change

Last night as I sat in bed reading God's Word, I felt a tugging in my heart telling me to just focus on Him for a while. So for this month or so, I intend to give up watching any sort of Youtube videos, movies or TV shows. They always tend to keep me up late anyway and distract me from what I really should be doing- poring over God's Word and talking to Him. As for other things that seem to entice my heart toward the world and away from Christ (such as shopping, secular music, etc.), I intend to take a break from them as well.

After all these months of not doing much and enjoying life without any sort of structure or schedule, I think it's time to leave Lala Land and get into a new gear of discipline and hard work.

I know this won't be easy but something's gotta get done, and it's gotta get done now. I'm not going to sit around and wait for God to show me a burning bush anymore. I'm going to actively pursue Him, cry out to Him- and then listen to and obey Him.

I KNOW that I can do all things through CHRIST who strengthens me! (Philippians 4:13)

At the beginning of this year I prayed that God would change me so much that by 2012 I'd be unrecognisable again. I know that change won't come if I just sit here waiting for a sign. If I want a more disciplined life, the time is now. If I want to become a strong woman rooted in Christ, the time is now.

Today in church, Pastor Mark gave a basic sermon on salvation. And even though I know I've already accepted Christ, been baptised and whatnot, it felt like a rededication moment. I am remembering the wedding vows I made to Christ the night I decided I would be His. Whether in sickness or in health, whether I feel like it or not- I will always follow Him.

Right now, I don't feel like it. But I know, now, more than ever, I have to press into Jesus. I have to seek Him with all my heart, mind, soul and body. I have to endure hardship, sacrifice and die to myself. But the life in Christ that I have to gain is so much bigger than what I have to lose. In fact, what do I have to lose? Everything that is dragging me down- that's what!