The Deepest Void

Today was an unproductive day. I did a lot, but accomplished so little. It did not feel good- that unpleasant, almost-there, half-past-six feeling. Yet I let it build up until I did something I shouldn't have done. Out of frustration, out of emptiness, out of hurt, out of discontent.

I should have run to Him, but I felt so unmotivated. Unloved, almost, I think... Then I heard the Great Counsellor ask me:

"Why do you feel unloved?"

I looked within and realized that I had been feeling upset recently because of the way certain people perceived me. I felt misunderstood and disliked. I wanted to explain myself to them, to explain away the feelings of insecurity and hurt, but I couldn't. I was seeking approval from men and not God. I kept seeking and seeking, not realizing that I was drifting from His loving gaze.

I distracted myself with fun things, but the pain remained. I tried to fill the void with food, intellectual stimulation, friendships and even my marriage and kids, but they did nothing but tire me out.

"Why do these people exist? The ones who keep misunderstanding me? The haters who keep hating despite not really knowing?"

The moment I asked that question, I heard His gentle whisper again...

"If not for these people existing in your life, would you come back to me?"

Yes. Without these so-called "haters" constantly appearing and reappearing in my life, I might have been stuck with shallow satisfaction gained from human relationships. I would have been deceived into thinking that men's approval is attainable and enough. But of course, that isn't true. The truth is, I am in desperate need of Jesus. He is the only one who can fill the void in me. He is the only one whose opinion really matters at the end of the day. Not even my own opinion has any place in this world.

Dear Jesus, help me to come back to You each time, and quickly. Let me not stray from your rod and staff because I need Your comfort. You are the only true source of peace and contentment in this world. Help me to seek You and find satisfaction in You alone.

Locked By Fear

Last Friday, I finally went for an urban again, after a three-month long hiatus. 

It was pretty fun. We skated from Bishan to Khatib along Lentor Avenue. 

Jerry surprised me by showing up halfway on his motorbike just to say hi. That was really sweet of him!

Saturday afternoon, we attended Bozhi and Theng Hoon's wedding held at the Church of God along Bedok Road. 

I was so touched by the look on Bozhi's face as he watched his bride walk in through the doors. Even though this is their third ceremony (they already had one in China and one in Malaysia), he still had that look of utter... Hmmm.... how should I describe the look on his face?

I guess this verse in Psalm 45:11 comes to mind: "The king is enthralled with your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord"

Then after the wedding ceremony was over, we dropped by East Coast Park for an impromptu walk by the beach. Just couldn't resist the beautiful sunny sky!

Here's a photo of us at the place where we first met and have spent so much time skating alongside each other.




I guess, even as time goes by, I am still feeling locked by fear. Fear of the future in so many ways. This fear is crippling me from working hard and from being the woman of faith I know God wants me to be. I spent all day in bed yesterday just thinking about all the possible ways I could fail in this upcoming week and it made me not even want to move.

Dear God, I know all these feelings of defeat are just lies. Please help me and save me from these lies. Help me to walk forward in faith and not in fear. I need your help, you are the only one who can keep me from harm! In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Daily Struggle With Temptation

When Jesus was tempted for forty days in the wilderness, he said this:

"It is written: 'Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God" (Matthew 4:4)

And in the Lord's prayer, we ask God to "give us this day our daily bread".


These days, I'm feeling more and more like Elijah, who hid from Jezebel in a ravine. Because of the drought and famine, he had to be fed by ravens sent by God daily. Imagine having to wait for your food to appear out from the sky, brought to you by mere birds! Hungry, alone and cold. Elijah probably had to struggle on a day to day basis with trusting God.

This morning, Ann wrote me a message regarding my current spiritual battle. One thing she said really resounded with me. She said that "this is more a question about your trust in Him to meet your needs than just about this..."

Why is it so difficult to let go even though I know that there are a pair of Almighty arms to catch me and lift me up?

I liken it to skating at the skate park. It's like, I know that my body reflexes can handle the drop. I know that I have safety guards and everything on. There's nothing that could go wrong unless I chicken out during the drop. But still, I feel my heart pounding hard with fear each time I approach the edge of the 15 feet high bowl.

Dear Lord Jesus, I know that Your plans for me are to prosper me and not to harm me. Plans to give me a hope and a future. Help me to embrace Your plans wholly. Help me to trust in Your provision and grace. Give me each day my daily bread so that I won't faint. I know You will see me through this valley!

Denying Myself For Christ

I am still struggling with my feelings. I can't shake them, but God has been faithful to keep me standing. 

There were nights when I would be tempted with such thoughts: 

"the best is already come, if you miss this opportunity, you will lose everything"

"it's okay, God doesn't mind"

"it's not even that serious, don't take it so seriously"

I would lie in my bed with tears flowing down my cheeks, because I half-believed those thoughts. I pitied myself and I felt sorry for how weak I was. I felt robbed of joy and peace. Nothing seemed to go right. 

I knew that I had to give it up, but still my heart held on so tightly. 

But God reminded me of His laws; His everlasting laws that guide our paths. It was God's Word and His laws that saved me from death all those years ago, and once more, it was His laws that would point me back to true north. I could not turn my back to that. 

I started to think about the impact of my reckless thoughts and actions on others. 

I realised that even though I thought I was being considerate the whole time, I was still falling short. 

This battle is intense, but I am encouraged hourly by the Lord. He is faithful to me even as I feel faithless. 

Let this post be a reminder to me in the future.... 

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning. Great is Thy faithfulness!" (Lamentations 3:22-23)

Struggle

I am struggling. God knows I am. 

Doing the right thing is always difficult, but you want to know what's REALLY difficult? Thinking the right thing too. 

I just got off the phone with Talia. Did our usual weekly praying for each other thing. 

I have been feeling weak all week (HAHHHH). 

But today takes the prize for "killing me softly". 

*cue sad song*

I feel ripped apart by my stupid emotions, my wild imagination and my silly brain. I'd like to think that at the age of four and twenty, I would have outgrown certain immature teenage tendencies. But I guess not. The struggle is back with a vengeance and my life is on the line. I see two paths before me and the urge to walk on the broad path to destruction is overwhelming.

But look at me now. 

I'm walking away... I never knew it was even humanly possible pour moi. But it is, through Christ!

Through Christ... 

What would I do with myself if I did not have Him in my life?

And with all that abstract mumbo-jumbo that I just garbled out up there, I shall finish with a quote by Jim Elliot: 

"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose."

House-hunting In SG

I guess now that my family knows I'm back in Singapore, I can finally write about it here. Haha!

The reason why I didn't want to tell anyone that we were coming back to Singapore this week in the first place was so that we could prank them! And oh boy the prank went so well, I couldn't believe it myself. Got severe stomach cramps afterwards from all the laughing!

So we finally found a house today and it looks gorgeous......

I can't help but just be awed at how good God has been and is to this family. From my point of view, the way I live, the comforts of life that I get to enjoy is all thanks to God. There is no way that I could ever live this comfortably if not for His hand of blessing over us. There are no words to describe how grateful I feel today. How many other families in Singapore will ever even know what it feels like to not worry about food the next day?

As we were viewing houses today, I was struck by two contrasts- an elderly Chinese man cleaning the floors, looking dejected, and a rich young family relaxing by the side of the pool. Surely fate has dealt them both very different cards! One has to scrape by for a living and the other doesn't seem to have to.

There is so much suffering and struggling in Singapore all around us. Why don't people stop and see? Why doesn't anybody seem to care about the hearts that are screaming on the inside? Everywhere I turn, there always seems to be a sad face...