Saturday, October 25, 2008

Crossroads Again

So I just got home from work and I'm sitting here in my room on the bed under the soft warm covers...

I've been thinking a lot about the situations I'm in currently, and yes I'll admit it: I was a little too hasty in picking apartments. Therefore, I'm currently either looking for a roommate, or for a room somewhere. It's about time that I cut my living expenses in half.

I also definitely want to leave my college for another one because given the amount of money that goes into tuition fees, it's more worth it to study somewhere else. Besides, I hate my college. I really dislike the whole culture in general... It turns me off completely and I really don't enjoy being there.

I'm leaving my agency too.

Hopefully by next year things will get better and my life will have straightened itself out a lot more.

You know what I need? I need to hang out with some actual people (besides at work) and stop being by myself and my kitty all the time. I need to do something fun...

Ever feel helpless, powerless, confused and hopeful all at the same time?

Sometimes I think it's human nature to just complicate things way beyond what they should be. Perhaps I've been complicating things instead of making them simple and clean cut. I really don't know what to do at this point about many things.

I need to pray.

Brain Droppings

Can't fall asleep again tonight...

Too many worries on my mind. Why can't I seem to just rest in His arms and let everything go?

I feel as though I am splitting into a million pieces flying in a million directions at the same time.

Waiting for big things to happen... Both good and bad.. The suspense is killing!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Another Normal Day

Terrible! Just terrible!

I KNOW I missed yesterday... But I really had no time even to pause and breathe for a second. I had back-to-back classes in the morning all the way until 1500, then I had to rush down to practice, then off to work right afterwards in Central Park for some Chanel event

It was literally 5 celsius out last night and the wind was going insane. I had to stand outside in the cold windy night at the entrance with just a cardigan and a thin jacket on because I was supposed to be taking coats.

Well obviously nobody wanted to part with their coats so I ended up just standing there shivering my ass off all night. At least I got to go for breaks indoors... I really thought my nose and ears were going to turn blue and fall off.

Again, too many celebrities to handle. I recognised their faces but not their names. Except for a few actually; and my new model-friend Sarah was there to help tell me who was who. I think the most exciting person for me was Kevin Federline. I finally got to see the guy in flesh! Haha... Like I mentioned on my FB status before, he's actually not that bad looking, but I could tell immediately that he's a guy that girls should just stay away from...

The whole time I was there I was just thinking to myself that all the people who showed up looked so happy yet so lonely. I don't know. Maybe it's just me. It scared me a little to imagine myself in their shoes. Rich, fabulous, charming, yet somewhat sad and lost. What if I'll be rich one day and will be invited to such parties? Will I still be myself? Now I see what Jesus meant by "it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for the rich to enter heaven". Under my current circumstances though, I really wouldn't mind having some deep pockets.

Tonight I'm working again someplace cool, so hopefully I'll get to see more celebrities' ex-boyfriends or whatnot.. Haha.

I hate not sleeping early though. And not eating on time either. My schedule is all messed up for this week and next, but I need to make that cash. Rent is coming soon!

The temperatures outside have taken an insane turn downwards. Winter gear is full on and out of the closet.

Hopefully this weekend кошка can go meet C's cat and they'll have a ball of a time together. I'd love to see a real catfight or something. Kidding.

Anddddd... that's it. Gotta go finish my accounting homework now.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Bless This Week

Please Lord,

Grant me the strength to finish this week. Go on ahead of me O Lord, and prepare my ways and every aspect of my life. I give this week into your loving hands. May your presence and be with me always in every situation. Cover me with your wings of refuge and peace when difficulty arises.

I pray for the people around me Jesus, that your peace fall upon them, and your wisdom fill their hearts so that they may not be troubled any more. I ask Lord that you reveal your glory to them so that they may not falter anymore.

Thank you for being so wonderful to me; even before I was born, you knew all that would come to pass.



Saturday, October 18, 2008

The End Is For You

That's Tamara and I after the cross country meet today. I did very poorly, and my coach is extremely disappointed. But what can I say? I had a rather crazy week and it affected me. No excuses. I just need to catch up on sleep.

The funny thing is, I'm not even disappointed in myself like I usually am after a bad race. I feel more or less resigned... There's just been so much drama coming from track alone that recently I've just developed a platonic sort of feeling towards being on the school team.

I'm just as passionate as ever about running though. I love it. It is my life. It's my caffeine in the morning, the spark in my day. Normal people nowadays get up and grab a coffee every morning to feel alive. I, need to run.

I shall miss Miss Poland when she leaves SPC next year. And Miss Schultz too, since I'll probably be leaving as well.

Isn't it amazing how as we move on with our hectic lives, we meet people along the way, have our lives intertwine for a few moments, then we disentangle ourselves and move on along in different directions... It's like we're involved in a vast giant web of connections. Facebook proves that point over and over again.

Have you ever had the experience of finding out that one of your friends is friends with another friend of yours, and you had no clue this whole while? It's so much fun for me! Haha. Maybe I'm just weird like that.

I'm cooking food for the week again. This goes into my soup, minus the huge round of beef that is still defrosting as I type.
This goes into the salad. Notice how wrinkly the egg on the left is? It looks like a dinosaur egg! My gut says "don't eat it! You'll die!", but I really want to try it, just to see what a wrinkly egg tastes like. Hah. I wonder why it's wrinkly?

I know the chemical DDT affects bald eagles' egg shells (makes the shells too thin so the babies die); maybe my egg is suffering the same sort of problem... Too many chemicals added into one hen? Perhaps.

One can't be too sure these days, of what you're eating. Are you sure it's chicken you're having? It's starting to taste more and more like plastic and less and less like real chicken (and I've had REAL chicken from the village before... so different) these days.

But I must have my eggs. Wrinkles or not, I'll eat it.

So will кошка I bet. She loves the junk cat dried food that I give her occasionally.

You know watching her reminds me a lot of people these days. They don't really care about their health anymore, just as long as their kids are in college and the paycheques come every month, they don't care if that cheeseburger is going to end up in their thighs.

Well of course that is a superficial concern, but the thing that upsets me the most is that the cheeseburger doesn't just goes into your thighs.. It affects every single part of you; physically, psychologically, emotionally... We just don't see or feel it anymore because we've had so much junk throughout our lives that we are just living in this almost "zombie" state where living miserably has become a norm.

Haven't you noticed how many people tend to fall asleep in class nowadays despite their 8 hours of sleep? Why is it that most people on the street look haggard and tired all the time? Why is it that there are so many people gasping for breath after only climbing up one flight of stairs?

I never knew myself, when I was unhealthy back then. It sort of creeps up on you like a shadow. I was just lucky to be weird enough to stick to running... Only after I got healthy again did I realise how unhealthy I was before.

I don't know. I sort of went off on a tangent didn't I?

I've been reading my posts from 2007 and comparing them to 2008. Boy. Did my brain pause in 2008 or what? I was so wrapped up with the events of my life (even until now) that I haven't been able to spit up thought-provoking crap in a while besides "oh it's been a LONG week" and "wow my life SUCKS". Hah I guess my blogging has gone commercial.

But here I am, still trying to keep to my promise of blogging "at least once a day".

I figured that getting back in the habit will force myself to spew more intellectual crap. Hopefully I'll start getting better in writing and get out of this stale rut that I've been in for some time now.

The nights are pleasant, quiet and cold. With a cup of tea and a warm kitty on my lap, I say we're set for a cosy session of more Korean dramas (Love Marriage) and Youtube movies (Брат).

Goodnight people.

If you're feeling discouraged tonight; well, I don't want to say "don't feel discouraged" because it's a little silly.... But why not do yourself a favour and go out for a relaxing jog/walk... Call some friends up for a nice BBQ, fish... reconnect with nature or with yourself? Dwell on your problems long enough to figure out a solution, but afterwards, leave them all behind because you don't need them anymore. Enjoy your life in a non-destructive manner, get yourself out of the cycle. Start afresh, move ahead... Enjoy the sunlight on your back and the moonrays on your face.. The sand under your feet and the wind caressing your skin... Why look for Love when Love is looking for you........?

You know who you are.

A bientot! Пока!

Artist: DDT
Translation: Malezhik (Youtube)

The skies are riding a horse
That's an autumn parade
The skies are making up those
Who's to be awarded
But on a telly there are lies about the war
I'm living on scales
My song, no doubt,
Is of a rainy type
My song is not sang
And not dressed up
My song is an answer
For Anna's and Lisa's letters
Splashes of wind are hanging
On drenched cornices
The spring gathered them with lips...
And disappeared
With a grief on my shoulders
I will crawl to the road.
To die -- is nothing
If you are a bit drunk
But something stops me from leaving you
That's our "we"
Where danger and delusions
There are living graves
For the faithfulness and food
We are risen by a hayfork.
We're dancing on turns,
And the turns take ages
There is no finish for anyone
Even for those who are not around
Our song is in the clouds
And till now nothing,
Nothing really happened
I still remembered yesterday
That I had seen the
Life in my dreams.
This autumn the life appeared.
And if there's only devilry around
And if everything is too unstable
Dear God, love everyone of us quietly
Dear God, love everyone of us loudly
Sometimes our life is overgrown with flowers
That means, my friend,
He passed between us
But it is difficult to notice Him
And if there's only devilry around
And common for everyone -- too unstable
Dear God, love everyone of us quietly
Dear God, love everyone of us loudly
Dear God, love everyone of us quietly
Dear God, love everyone of us loudly
Dear God...

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Worrying About The Future

Wow, another gorgeous night!

I just came back from Jersey Gardens mall. Went there to get clothes for work because the dress code for tomorrow's job changed to a pencil skirt and black heels.

So I'll be working in heels tomorrow!

But I don't mind. I got a pair that had been double discounted in Aldo, and they're extremely comfortable. I could sleep in them if I wanted to.

You know, sometimes I read my past entries and just think to myself: who cares about the fact that you bought such and such a shirt, or ate such and such a dinner? I know when I read other people's blogs and they go off about what they ate at which restaurant, I just sort of skim it over because I really don't give a shit. So most probably everyone else who comes here skims it over too because it really is mundane stuff.

But it's nice for me to record the mundane things just because I can read and reminiscence about things I've done and places I've been to.

I wonder how long I will be writing on this blog before I get sick of it. Four more years? Five? I don't know. The longer the better of course. But who knows what will happen in the future? Maybe some crazy technological advances will make blogs completely obsolete... Or maybe a meteor's going to destroy half of Earth and everybody will go back to living like cavemen again since there will be no Internet, computers, etc... Or maybe I'll just find a better site.

I guess it's all up to Blogger to keep improving themselves to keep up with the generations.

People say recession is inevitable and things are only going to get worse. I'm hearing rumours of mass retrenchment everywhere. Most people I talk to seem to be "looking for a job" rather than working. Even my church talks about getting ready for perhaps the biggest crowd ever when recession hits America hard. I get so scared when I hear about all these things.

The rumblings and grumblings of the economy will have a huge impact on my life, I know that for sure. I'm already feeling the pinch and it's not even in full effect. So what is it going to be like when it gets really bad?

But then I go back to the bible and His word always gives me hope again. I'm sure God knows exactly what he's doing. I'm sure he has my back and yours too. So I'm going to buckle up and just keep doing when I need to be doing.

For now, that means going to sleep.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Look What The Cat Dragged In

Time for a long rambling post? Yes, I think it's due time.

After my close nervous breakdown sometime during the middle of this week, things started to get better. A LOT better in fact. I have a catering job with a new company coming up next week, and then another job with someone I know during the following week, so that's a relief. Money is slowly trickling in. My fridge is full now thanks to my parents, and the gas meter is up. Still have to pay the electric bill though.

With regards to modelling, I'm just going to castings and trying to build my portfolio right now. Also, I just realised that I have a terrible walk. It looks easy, but walking like a model and walking on heels on the street are two completely different things!

And since I wasn't about to walk around in heels all winter, I decided that I'll bow my head and go get myself a pair of comfortable ugly UGGS!

If you didn't know (and you probably wouldn't since I never said it here on my blog before), I absolutely detest UGGS. I think they look ridiculously frumpy, cumbersome, and boring.

But yes, I got my mom to get me a fake pair because I looked in my shoe closet and realised that the only closed-toed shoes I had were all heels. Other than that, I only had slippers or flipflops. How sad! And since I anticipate running around the city a lot this winter, I refuse to treat my feet like this.

So I told myself to get a pair of UGGly looking shoes.

They grew on me though. I like them now. Heehee.

кошка has been a very good kitty. Look what she dragged in the other day!
Ok to be honest, I have no idea where she got this creature from. First of all, кошка's not even allowed out of the apartment, which means she must've gotten it from inside the house. But where? I wish I knew. I like mice. I'd catch one and keep it as a pet. Cups arrived from Singapore (thank you Aunty Cindy!) and so did several other household items that I had purchased from Daiso while I was there this June. I love my kitchen cupboard now! I can't wait to go cook all sorts of things... But if only I knew how to cook Japanese food!

Boy I really miss Singapore now. I don't care how crappy Sakae Sushi is; I would love to have a Sakae buffet right now :(

As for today's activities, I went to Sunday school this morning. My church is part of the Assemblies of God. I am taking a new members' class for a few weeks before being accepted as a new member of the church. Then after church I went home since Basia had a muscle cramp and we couldn't go running or to play tennis. I've just been home relaxing for the first time in some time while watching "Love Marriage". Yay for free Korean dramas online! Tonight's activities are still undecided.

That said, tomorrow is Columbus Day, which means no school! Which also means I have the whole day to study for my remaining two midterms. I can't wait to get them over and done with. Good luck to everyone who has some kind of exam or test coming up!

That's about it for now.

I'm just trying to get through each day at a time, you know... keep it real... hahahahahaha!

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

The Mindy Also Rises!

I'm still sick, and it seems as if the whole world is sick too. Everybody in my classes were either sneezing or coughing their heads off. I think the whole town has gotten the same cold. I didn't even practice today because I had a splitting headache and fever. Felt miserable, but I drank hot tea and took a nap under layers of warm clothes and blankets so now I feel slightly better.

I've been doing some thinking and praying today.

August was the start of all my troubles. Or so that's what I thought. But really they started a long time ago. And now I feel as if they are all crashing on me once more, this time on a different scale.

You'd think that I'd be a goner by now, alcoholic, depressed, party animal, you know, the usual...

But I'm not.

I'm still here standing under God's wings.

Flood waters are rising and winds are lashing at my feet, but I am still under his circle of protection.

It's amazing!

Somehow I've been given the strength to carry on. You have no idea how hard it is to just get up in the morning, then to run, then to go off to school... It takes a tremendous amount of mental effort for me just to put on my shoes. Recently I just haven't been feeling like myself at all.

But today I went to church, prayed once more and I heard His voice again.

Things will be alright. Hold fast, hold strong. The fight is not over, there is a long ways to go, but things will be fine in the end!!!

I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel yet, but I refuse to feel miserable like this. I still have so many things going for me... A roof over my head, a bed to sleep in at night...

I need to love myself and my life again, because God loves me!

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

The Toiletbowl of My Life

I'm sick, tired, and miserable...

Today was really hectic with two midterms and two castings and one job interview... I had to go back and forth from NYC back to Jersey and vice versa... It was not pretty at all. I am now officially broke through and through, and I must say, it's not as glamorous as they make it sound on tv!

I am so tired mentally and physically it's not even funny. Of course no one said it was funny. But you never know.

I fell sick last night. This always happens to me when the weather changes. And I wish I had money to go buy a pair of boots so I don't freeze my feet off.

Tired. I have pictures, stories, thoughts, etc, but I'm way exhausted to even type anymore.

Saturday, October 04, 2008


What a long day!

I left 0830 this morning and went with the cross country team down to Maryland for a meet. We got there at 1300 but the race started at 1715. Do the math. That's how long we had to wait in the wind before. At least it was nice and sunny out for most part of the waiting time, but nonetheless, it was still cold enough.

I got home around 2200, only to find out that my cat has nearly gone beserk. She was traumatised from my prolonged absense and had gone so far as to pee on my fake Balenciaga and a little on my couch. After 5 minutes of me "teaching her a lesson", she decided that the floor right next to her litter box was a good place to pee as well.

I pretty much spent the past hour cleaning after the damage.

If you didn't already guess, I'm pooped.
Extremely pooped.

Going to get up early tomorrow morning though for a nice run, tennis, and perhaps a swim!