I woke up this morning feeling joyful from fighting a victorious spiritual fight in my dream. But when I realised it was a dream and remembered how I let God down just the previous night, I instantly felt my hypocrisy cover my face in shame. I didn't even feel like looking at myself in the mirror.
I instantly felt my heart harden, felt it ache, then felt it broken and filled with despair.
Despair from feeling defeated.
Yet, it was in my despair that I just knew that God knows.
He knows that I am a weak human being, that I have close to zero self-control sometimes and am born with a sinful, stubborn nature. He knows that the temptor is strong and powerful and he understands our struggles as Christians in this worsening dark world.
Even though He knows all these things and can remove me, a helpless human being from existence, He still keeps me alive.
I still woke up this morning didn't I?
That gives me so much hope, because I know that God still has so much more in store for me. God will not let me die before I have fulfilled my purpose in this short life. That I woke up this morning, breathing, healthy and in one piece, is a testament to God's faith in me. He believes in me, this imperfect human being.
It was then that I realised no matter how many times I fall, I cannot cannot cannot ever stop fighting God's battle. If God won't give up on me, if He believes in me this much to die on the cross for me before I even repented, then how can I give up on myself? How can I give up when I know that He's right there with me in the dark and difficult times?
I won't give up, and I won't stop singing.
Dear sweet Jesus, help me to overcome the evil one! In Your name, I have the victory! No despair shall hinder me from walking with You on this difficult and narrow path. No self-pity or excuse shall bar me from living according to Your Word. Amen!