Answered Prayer

I am so amazed this morning at how God always begins answering my prayers before I even finish praying them!

As I was getting ready for work today, I prayed that God would soften my hard heart and open doors of opportunities for my mom and I to be "okay" again. I also prayed for my upcoming missions trip, with an ongoing hope in my heart that God would always provide. 

Well, would you believe it. 

I walk out the bedroom door and my mom (who hasn't really spoken to me in a month or so) out of the blue says she's going to give me some money for the trip. 

:O !!!

AND she said it in a really non-threatening way (which is hard to believe too). 

Woahhhh..... 

But even then, I could feel my heart cringe. I didn't want to forgive and I didn't feel like accepting the money. I didn't feel like talking to her at all. My skin crawled. 

Dear God, why do I feel this way? I thank you for opening doors of opportunity and channels of communication between us, but I also pray that you would step in to my heart right now and mend whatever needs fixing. Help me to be gracious, humble and submissive. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen. 

Failing In The Future

Today is going to be a church marathon of sorts. I'm attending the 12:30 bilingual service (English & Chinese combined), having lunch, then rushing off to Lakeside for the Nazarene home Bible study. I might not get home until it gets dark. At this rate, I wonder when my laundry is ever going to get done? Nobody knows how to use this washing machine except my mom, but nobody knows which of my clothes can't go in the dryer except I. Yet we never seem to be home at the same time. 

Anyway, I'm kind of excited to see what today will hold. There are so many things that could possibly take place or be said and done. What will today's future be like? Guess I'll find out by the end of today...

Sometimes I think about how God knows us so well that He already knows that we will choose a certain path down the road. It must really break His heart, or encourage Him to have that kind of foresight. Imagine me praying that I will give my life to Him; yet He already foresees that I would fail Him later. Basically like how Jesus foretold that Peter would disown Him three times before the rooster crowed. Ironically, even after Peter heard Jesus' prediction, he still disowned Christ! 

Honestly, this only goes to show how loving our Heavenly Father is. He actually loves us sooo much that even though He knows we will trip up in our future, He is still willing to forgive us and show us His salvation when we go to Him with sincere hearts. He doesn't say "oh, I would forgive you, but do you know that by this time next Monday, you'll be cursing my name? So, I can't really do anything for you right now until next Tuesday when you will repent..."

Instead, God loves us enough to trust us with His heart. He shows us His love when we seek it. Unconditionally He makes Himself known to us. He doesn't wait until we are washed white as snow before He comes into our lives. Rather, He comes into our hearts then washes us white as snow. 

Okay, I guess what I'm trying to say is, God loves us so much that He trusts us to make our own decisions. And even though He may foresee failure in our future, that doesn't stop Him from loving us anyway. If you knew your friend was going to betray you next week (let's say she cheats with your boyfriend), would you still buy her that expensive Prada bag for her birthday tomorrow? I know many people wouldn't... 

Thank you God for Your great love! That You were willing to forgive us and die for us before we were even born. And that You are also willing to forgive us even though we are still yet imperfect and may fail you in the future. I pray that I will trust in You as You have so faithfully trusted me with Your heart. In Jesus' name, Amen!

You Saved Me... Again

This Sunday started out stormy- both weather-wise and emotions-wise. 

My house has been under a flea attack for the past two weeks because of Koshka. Strangely, my mother has been the only one getting all the bites while the rest of us have escaped quite unscathed. It's a profound mystery. Unfortunately, this flea attack did not come at a good time because we are currently in the process of packing up all our furniture and stuff. You can imagine the added stress this has brought to my mom. 

Yet, although I understand where her frustration is coming from, it still drives me up the wall when I feel like she's taking her anger out on me. I knew the fleas weren't even the main issue. All that anger she has inside is just coming out at every possible opportunity; and the best part is, I can't even really say much or retaliate because I'm trying to be a good daughter. However today, I finally told her that I didn't know what to do whenever she acts like this. If it's not something I did, it's something I didn't do. I felt like no matter what the situation, she was just always angry. 

Obviously that talk didn't go well- and it wasn't because of my tone. 

Afterwards, I had about an hour to myself. I sat in the car thinking about how I can't change who my mother is or how she acts. And yes, I could pray to God, but ultimately, the tangible right-now thing that I could change is me. And deep down inside, I knew that I would have to do the dreaded apology thing again. I felt God telling me to humble myself no matter how wronged I felt. He reminded me that my mom still has authority over me and that I should respect and honour that authority, not test it. 

So after asking for strength from Jesus Christ, with racing heartbeats, I told her that I was sorry for the cat bringing fleas into the house and that she had every right to be angry at me. I also made commitments to be available to help with the packing process or anything else that she needed. 

She obviously didn't pat my head or anything, but the tense atmosphere dissolved a little. 

I can't tell you how conflicted I felt inside though, as I was apologising. On the one hand, my mind is saying, "she's always taking advantage of you and acting out on you!" On the other hand, the Holy Spirit told me "honour your father and mother, for this pleases the Lord."

See, I don't care anymore whether or not I have a legit reason to be mad at the people in my life with authority over me. So my parents are human- and so am I. Who am I to forgive when forgiveness alone belongs to God? And who am I to question their authority if I want my own kids to respect mine? 

My mom once hinted that she only started going to church again because she truly saw and believed the drastic change that she witnessed in me over the past two years. Knowing that, I can't ruin my daily witness by holding pride and resentment in my heart! I should live out every second of my day the exact way that I profess Jesus Christ walks in love. If I preach a Christ humbled on the cross, then I should reflect that humility in my daily actions since I claim that He lives in me. 

And you know what, He made the impossible possible. 

I would never in a million years have been able to do or say what I did today, but when I cried out to Jesus from the bottom of my heart, asking for strength and guidance, He provided it. Not only that, but He also went on ahead of my apology and calmed my mother's nerves so that I was able to speak to her and not agitate her further. 

How awesome is He!

And how weak I am... 

It's in situations like these when I'm reminded by how futile all my "intelligence" and "learning" is. And how physically, mentally and spiritually weak I really am. 

Without Christ, I have and am NOTHING.

Freely Freely Give

It's so incredible to think about how much God loves us. No matter how much I screw up, He always ALWAYS takes me back. He never throws tantrums and refuses to talk to me when I run back to Him crying for forgiveness. He doesn't stand at a distance, reminding me of all the times that I've disappointed Him.

Instead, He's always ready to take me back. He forgives without even the guarantee that I won't do it again. Not that I want to do it again... That's not being truly repentant.

The Holy Spirit also assures me of His promises when I lie in bed at night and the devil comes at me with all kinds of accusations.

How freely He gives to us!

But how freely do I ever give to others?

Do I forgive people readily, or do I wait until they come crawling to me on their knees, begging for forgiveness? And do I only treat people well when they are nice to me? Do I ignore or put on pause those who ignore and put me on pause?

Heart-check, one, two.

Sometimes it hurts to hear the truth. When the Holy Spirit convicts your heart of something, it feels all sore from shame and guilt. But just as physical soreness after a good workout in the gym is an indication of good results later on, so does spiritual soreness indicate a future result of "getting better" spiritually.

Those who don't feel sore once in a while have simply stopped exercising their heart muscles. After a while their spirits atrophy, much like normal muscles do without regular exercise.

I am grateful for the Lord's discipline and rebuke in times when I need it. Though my heart feels sore, I know that He works through all things to bring me good!

God Of Miracles

As I'm sitting here reading stories of miracles online, I just remembered some miracles that happened to me this week. They may be small as compared to other incredible stories, but these mean a lot to me. They are an indication of God's never-failing love.

First of all, remember the earthquake the struck the U.S. east coast this past Monday? Well, I slept right through it. Didn't feel a thing. None of my neighbours seemed to be affected by it either. It was as if nothing even happened here at all. My parents who work a few miles away from here felt it in their offices though. Somehow, I just get a sense of a shield of protection over my neighbourhood. Even if it's just protection from a spirit of anxiety- God definitely watched out for us. Interestingly, I had felt moved to pray for the whole neighbourhood just a few days ago. I even took my bike and rode round and round at night when every household was asleep and prayed over the houses I rode by. It seems that God has answered my prayer! I feel that He probably prompted me to pray for my neighbourhood because of the impending earthquake. Not to mention, now that Hurricane Irene is predicted to hit us this coming weekend, we will need God's help and protection more than ever!

Also, another cool story...

Tuesday night, I was feeling very down and far from God. I felt as if I'd let Him down. Even though I knew that God still loved me, it was just so hard to even pray or read the Bible. I felt unworthy bringing my prayer requests to Him in the night. It was like I was dying inside... All I wanted was to be reconciled with God again. So I finally broke down and cried out to God. I sat outside on my deck looking up to the sky and calling on Jesus not to give up on me. Exhausted and teary-eyed, I finally lay flat on my back and stared up to the sky. With Hillsong plugged into my ears singing You Are More, I gazed up into the stars. The song went,

"On the day I called
You answered me
And the hope in my soul increased
I lift my hands
And turn my eyes
To the God who heals my heart
And gives me peace

You are more than
My words could ever say
You are Lord over all
Over all of my days
I will see this season through
I will fix my eyes on You"

When that last line played "I will fix my eyes on You", suddenly my eyes were opened and I saw a cross shining among the stars directly above me! I couldn't believe my eyes! I've been fixing my eyes on the cross the whole time and I didn't even realise it... I mean seriously, what are the chances of lying directly under this constellation, facing in the exactly correct angle at the exactly right time of the night so that it was right overhead when I needed to see it? I've tried looking for it other nights but it either wasn't the right time of night or just too cloudy.

I was overwhelmed. My heart choked, "why would you do this for me Lord?"

Immediately, a bright shooting star appeared to the right of the cross and I felt a gentle whisper say "because I love you."

And I felt this peace just come over me......

Dear Lord Jesus, I don't deserve anything. But You have chosen to give me grace because Your love is higher than the heavens and deeper than the seas. God as I lay there staring up in the heavens, trying to wrap my mind around what "eternity" meant, it astounded me that You would love me as high as the heavens were. It confounded me that You would love me, this failed wreckage, this worm of a person, enough to abase Yourself and die on a cross for my sins. Lord, I know that each time I sin, I grieve Your Holy Spirit. I know that You weep for the times that I fall short but You still bear with me and forgive my sins. Thank You for still choosing to use me, a sinner. Thank You for making me new and breaking my chains to sin! Thank You for changing my heart completely and renewing my mind so that I am no longer a slave to sin but am now a redeemed child of Yours! I pray that You will continue to use me powerfully, for the rest of my days. Help me not to stumble but to walk steadily in Your Word all the days of my life, guided by Your voice and comforting hands. I give my all to You Lord Jesus Christ. In Your name I ask all these, Amen!

VBS & Running

For this whole week, I am volunteering my time for Vacation Bible School (VBS) which is happening from 18:00 to 20:30 every night at the church. The kids who come range from preschoolers to eighth graders... I think? And I'm there to help with the first graders (6-7 year olds).

I must say, even though kids aren't the first thing that would naturally pop into my mind when it comes to ministry, I've definitely gotten a lot out of the past two days. Since I knew that kids weren't naturally my thing, I prayed before VBS that God would give me the patience and guidance to deal with whatever situations came my way. And to my utter surprise and amazement, God has given me so much more.

I see so much potential in these children. I see their hearts and minds and what they think and long for. But most importantly, God has given me a heart for the children- especially the ones who are quiet and timid. I love to draw them out in conversation and to see some kind of emotion flicker across their faces for a moment. Now I truly see how rewarding a child's smile can be.

The cool thing is that, the kids aren't the only ones learning things from their time at VBS.

I was feeling very low today, having disappointed God once more. I was so scared that I was starting to backslide and didn't even feel like praying for forgiveness anymore. I thought to myself- "God isn't going to keep forgiving me. He's probably sick of me slipping and falling all the time". I felt worthless and weak. Degraded and stupid.

But when I was sitting among the children listening to the lesson today, the speaker said something that almost brought tears to my eyes.

She said: "Does God love you when you do something wrong? Yes! Does God like it when you keep doing wrong things? No! But remember that no matter what happens, God will always love you."

I prayed in my heart that the little boy sitting next to me who had been silent most of yesterday and today would feel God's love. Yet at the same time, I felt my heart jump at this simple message.

Wow. God loves me no matter what!

I need more and more of this assurance each day. Ever since two weeks ago when I've really been engaged in prayer with C.L.I.M.B., things have not been going too smoothly. While God is answering prayers left and right, Satan is also trying to get in between us.

I know how important it is to keep praying for everyone else, but I also really hope that someone out there is praying for me. I really need it.

With that said, a heatwave is headed our way towards the end of this week, which means I won't get as much running at all. On Monday (it was 33 Celsius out); I felt really really really dizzy by the end of my four-mile run. The drive back was brutal because I felt so weak at times it was hard to turn the wheel. I think that's an indication that running in the predicted 38 Celsius weather this Thursday would not be a good idea.

Till then...

Housecleaning Thoughts

I just finished cleaning the entire apartment and I'm waiting for my laundry to get dry downstairs as I write.

The lethargic mood hasn't left me yet, but Khadeen is right- I should be doing all the things that I know I need to finish anyway. So I'm doing my laundry, cleaning the apartment and all that's left to do is to start reading the material on my law paper assignment.

I know these things won't exactly make me feel better per se, but they are just mundane things that have to be done no matter what.

In any case, I heard from the Ministry of Foreign Affairs in Singapore today and they rejected my application. Not to sound defeated in advance, but I already sort of knew I would not get a position there- just because I'm not Ivy League material or some sort of President's Scholar. What else would you expect from a country that prides itself on meritocratic values?

So the job search continues...

But the reason why I'm blogging right now is because each time I clean the apartment, I start to think about many things concerning my roommate and I. Me being me, I try to justify why I shouldn't be the one asking for forgiveness in the first place. I come up with all kinds of valid reasons as to why SHE should be the one who should be asking ME and not the other way round. But then I hear a voice checking my thoughts saying: "who are YOU to forgive? Do you even have the power to forgive?"

That's when I realised that not even my roommate has the right nor the ability to truly forgive me. Only Jesus Christ has the authority to forgive sins.

Not only that but it's so hypocritical of me to think such things!

As I'm wiping the floors, it's easy to fall into the trap of wondering when she's going to "wake up" and see the real reason why I'm bending over backwards for her. Maybe then she'll be able to stop holding grudges or acting the way she does.

But who's to say she will? Can I make her?

I can't... Only God can.

But I think and think and think to make myself feel better about having to clean the floors until I finally realise that this whole time, I'm the one who's holding grudges. Why should I need to justify the good that I'm doing if I'm doing it solely out of love for Christ? Why do I keep longing for instantly gratifying results even though I know the seeds I plant will never grow except by the power and will of God?

It is just human nature, I suppose. My sinful, fleshly nature.

But I don't like it and it has been quite a battle going between the two opposing thoughts. For Christ vs. for myself.

How will I live the rest of my collegiate life?