Some Thoughts

So many things have happened in the past few months. A two month visit to the States, a move out of my in-laws' to our own rental apartment, as well as some other things going on in my mind which I will talk about later. 

Brendan is currently 9.5 months old. He's able to pull himself up to standing position and take little steps while holding on to our hands. He's very observant and responsive, smiling when we talk to him, or angry when I am too tired to pick him up for the zillionth time. I spend my days looking forward to his nap time which I use to do housework or other miscellaneous things. Yet I also spend his nap times looking forward to seeing once again his bright round face peeking at me through the slats of his cot. It's a strange see-saw between tiredness and desire.

Today is my dad's birthday. I have been thinking a lot about my parents ever since I became a parent myself. What went through their minds as they once contemplated giving me up for adoption? What were their considerations back then as passionate young adults? Their hopes and dreams for themselves and for me... Did they have any for me? Or was the see-saw mostly slanted toward the side of weariness, a sense of hopelessness about their future? I try not to think too much about it because I now I know too much about my parents' personality (partially thanks to MBTI) to be positive about all these questions. I know the truth, but I don't really want to believe it.

I don't want to believe it, because I know that the moment I do, I will stop being able to dream big dreams for my children. I find that I am only able to dream big dreams for my children if I believe that my own dreams are attainable. But quite honestly, I have never given wings to any of my dreams. I have never believed that any of my grand visions could ever come true because deep inside, I know nobody ever believed in me. I suppose the outward passion I sometimes display comes from a deep-seated notion that if I strive hard enough, surely the stars will align and things will fall into place. But that has not been so and I am now twenty-six years wrong. 

Still, I won't blame my parents or circumstances for what I take to be a rather bland and useless life. I'm a mother now. I feed my young and that is all. What of purpose? The Lord decides. It's depressing not to know while I live on, what in the world am I actually good at and should be doing. The Bible gives us the clichė answer: Love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your mind and all your soul.

Most days, I feel like a terrible Christian. I have a black eye from my last fight with Jerry and I'm not proud of it. He says we'll work on our temper. I've honestly lost my hope in him. I don't really have anything to show for my "christian life" these days other than my tendency to weep my eyes out to God, wailing about things and pleading for a way out of pain. Bible study? Going to church? Reading the Bible? Is this the recipe I am to follow for the rest of my life? Step one, step two, step three... Voilà! A perfectly baked cake. What if I don't want to be a cake?

I want to be a wild goat, standing on a beautiful mountain somewhere. Hopping from crag to crag, death below and life above. Hopping from crag to crag, light-footed and light-hearted. 

Is this not for me?

Last Few Weeks Of Being 23

My birthday is coming up next week and I can't help but feel a little sad. As the years roll by and I leave my teenage years behind, I find myself wishing that time could stand still. I know youth is a gift and it doesn't last for long. Like a whisper, it comes and goes. 

I also know that someday in the future, I am going to wake up and realise that I needed to sleep at 9pm not 3am. My bones are going to feel more brittle and my muscles- less responsive. 

Almost all my hobbies involve raising my heart rate to a racing bpm, which is why I dread the day my body fails on me. 

I look at all these young kids around me doing things I wish my fifteen year old body were still around to do. 

So it is with such a mindset that I have been living life. 

Fast-paced. 

No space to breathe. 

Few weeks ago Shirley, two other friends and I went skating/cycling at East Coast Park.

We made it to Bedok Jetty.

And stayed out there moon-gazing for some time.

It was so beautiful, big and bright that night.

On a different day, MingXian drove us both into Johor Bahru, Malaysia. We had lunch at a wanton mee place.

Spent almost two hours grocery shopping in KSL City Mall.

Had dinner at the Bamboo restaurant.

Hung out at Danga Bay after dinner.

Poor MingXian had no choice but to be dragged onto this ride. Even though it was small, it was really fun!

Then we just took a million photos for the rest of the night.

Had a Friday night urban skate as usual to the recently-finished Marina Bay Sands hawker centre.

Met up with the Davidians for our monthly get-togethers.

Went ice-skating with the usual Friday urban crew on a separate Friday.

 

Fell while telling people to "watch out for the curve in front". 

LOL 

Attended Shan Shan's graduation ceremony.

I love graduation ceremonies. I love them even more when they're held in a church with a service and worship before and everything. 

Well, I guess this was my first graduation ceremony that was held in a church with a service and worship before and everything. 

I cried during worship. The songs we sang somehow made me think about how lucky we were with Eric's situation and how God's grace just saves us... weak sinners... I thought about our mission in life and whether I am living out that mission to bring people to Christ. 

Hmm. 

(Note to self: don't wear mascara to church services, graduation or not)

Skated around MBS (yet again) with the three amigos. 

Snacked on the night view.

Finished off with a heavy supper at 126 in Geylang.

This is only one-thirds of the food that we ordered and tried desperately to finish.

On Friday, I went prawning at Farmart with Alu.

And Annie!

Annie had quite a few firsts that morning. 

First time eating MacDonald's breakfast, first time catching a prawn and first time being at Farmart!

Nothing beats eating the prawns you caught. 

Swimming one moment, dead and cooked the next. YUMZ.

So, horrors of horrors. 

I just got back from Skateline's monthly Saturday Night Skate and it was on this fateful night that I dropped my iPhone twice and cracked its screen.

My phone looks like a rat just chewed on it now. 

T^T

The first of the birthday gifts have arrived.

A special chinese recorder-like instrument from Chuan gu & Aunty Pei Leng! 

It's too late to try it now since everybody is sleeping, but I'll probably start chirping away later this morning when I wake up for church.

Gonna be playing the piano at Sunday School later...

I don't know how to explain the rush and mix of emotions that I have right now. But one thing I know: no matter what the situation, no matter how old I am getting or how young I am feeling, my purpose in life is simply to praise God, and I have very good reasons to do so.

All my life Lord, I give it to you! I give all my energy, youth, money and time to the furthering of your kingdom. In every walk of life, I ask that you use me like a vessel to pour forth your Spirit. In every action, word or thought of mine, I pray that you reach out to those who need you most. 

Each Month I Become Someone Else

It has been 11 straight days of nonstop dancing, dancing, dancing.

And last night I got my very first AA on a song!!! 

SOOO HAPPY!!! 

On another note, I just told my boss that I'm resigning today. My last day will be 30th November and then after that, it's celebration time! December ought to be fun. 

Birthday Love, Bye Shan Shan & JB

I can't believe I just turned 23. I just can't believe it. I still feel 21- and that's just sad. 

On my birthday, I didn't take leave from work. At night I just had a little BBQ at my place with friends and cool peoples. Here are some people who stayed a little longer till the end. I had a really fun time and barely took any pictures all night. I probably would've ended up with no pictures at all if not for Amanda who volunteered to take pictures for me. 

And the reason why I have a towel wrapped around my shoulders is because I got thrown into the pool toward the end. 

That's to be expected right?

The problem is, I was actually chewing a fishball before Huey suddenly grabbed me by the waist and I had no time to swallow my food. I was so afraid of choking that I ended up spitting out my half chewed fishball onto the floor right before landing in the water. 

I told people not to bring things, but they all didn't listen. 

It was very heartwarming to read all the cards though =) Thank you guys for making it a special time!

Shan Shan's leaving for Japan for a missions trip, so we met up at Mind's Cafe to bid her farewell. 

Played a really confusing game of True Colours, but overall a fun night!

On a random note, my dad's been going on a JB frenzy recently. We now go to Malaysia at least once a week for supper after work. 

My passport is going to get stamped up with Malaysian stamps before it expires I assume...

New Post

Hello! 

Has it really been that long since my last post? For some reason, it doesn't feel like that much time has gone by. Yet so many things have happened since then. 

First things first, I got an internship! 

It's been going well and I've been enjoying it so far. Most importantly, I am just so grateful that God has given me an opportunity to do SOMETHING now besides eating and sleeping! The best part is, two floors below my office, there's a Christian bookstore that I can go to during my lunchtime. I checked it out this morning and bought a CD already. 

I have no idea where this is going, but I trust that the Lord will direct my steps. As long as I lean on His understanding and not mine, He will make my path straight!

As for other areas of life- I had a big fight with my mom last week but we are doing very well now. I am trying my best to communicate with her as much as I can and she is doing the same as well. There is no more friction left hanging in the air even though we are both very busy and only see each other maybe fifteen minutes each day. 

Also, I've been facing tremendous temptation since two weeks ago. All of a sudden, I felt like a lot of things were thrown in my face. I was feeling a bit overwhelmed and scared that I would fall to it, but I was greatly encouraged on Sunday by Mrs. Hane (house Bible study's host's wife...). I know a lot of temptation may come my way to try to snatch me out of God's hands, but He is not going to test me beyond what I can handle. And most importantly, He will be right there with me when I am being tested. 

This coming Friday, I have to go to a fancy club for work. Of all places! It's going to be a networking sort of thing and I am hoping that it will turn out well. However, I'm also getting the feeling that I am about to walk into the lions' den. I don't know what's ahead of me, but I can only pray that our Lord Jesus Christ will go on ahead and clear the way. 

Life is really really picking up. 

It's so weird. One moment, I'm lying in bed all day. The next, I hardly have time to breathe. 

But I have peace from the Prince of Peace :)