Modesty Is The Best Policy

Starting about two months ago, I started thinking hard about the way I dress. When I scrolled through my pictures on Facebook, I began to notice skirts that were too short, shirts too low or just outfits that were plain suggestive. I'd like to say that I am this awesome person who never judges other people at first glance, but unfortunately that would be a lie. I judge people all the time. I make efforts to have these judgmental thoughts flee, but they still surface once in a while- whether unconsciously or not. God knows I need His help to overcome this terrible temptation! But when God turned my own judgmental eyes upon my outfits, it was like a light was suddenly switched on. 

I've always hated covering up my body. I like my feet aired out in flipflops even in the wintertime (or better yet, barefoot). I've always feel restricted by clothing and never saw them as a means of protection from lusting eyes or a means to respect my body. 

Not until recently that is......

So I've been ruminating on this virtue called modesty, and began to think of it not just in terms of the way I dress, but also the things I talk and think about. Do I think modest thoughts that are appropriate and fitting and do I act modestly, with discretion? 

When I think about modesty, the word humility also comes to mind. One cannot be modest without being humble. Often when I am fighting the urge to dress inappropriately, I find that the number one reason is often pride in a particular body part. It may not even be an issue of over-exposure. Sometimes, even putting on too much makeup seems (to me at least) a result of excessive pride. 

I know this may not make sense to most people, even some of my fellow Christians, but I want to ask you something: 

Are you causing someone else to stumble because of the way you dress?

The reason why I'm asking you, is because I am asking myself this daily now. 

In Luke 17:1-3, "Jesus said to his disciples: 'Things that cause people to sin are bound to come, but woe to that person through whom they come. It would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around his neck than for him to cause one of these little ones to sin. So watch yourselves.'"

See I've thought about the excuse before that if other people sin because of the way I dress, they just lack self-control and that's their fault. Why should I watch what I wear just because men and women can't control their eyes and thoughts? 

But after reading Luke 17:1-3, I felt the Holy Spirit was saying, "Hey if you really loved people the way I want you to love them, you would be concerned about temptations that came their way- and you would care enough to NOT want to be a stumbling block that causes them to fall!"

Everyday is still a struggle, because I'm so used to dressing the way I've always dressed for the most part of my life. But now that Jesus has set me free by opening my eyes, I will hang onto His Word and follow it to true freedom- that is the freedom to live as a redeemed child of God!

You Saved Me... Again

This Sunday started out stormy- both weather-wise and emotions-wise. 

My house has been under a flea attack for the past two weeks because of Koshka. Strangely, my mother has been the only one getting all the bites while the rest of us have escaped quite unscathed. It's a profound mystery. Unfortunately, this flea attack did not come at a good time because we are currently in the process of packing up all our furniture and stuff. You can imagine the added stress this has brought to my mom. 

Yet, although I understand where her frustration is coming from, it still drives me up the wall when I feel like she's taking her anger out on me. I knew the fleas weren't even the main issue. All that anger she has inside is just coming out at every possible opportunity; and the best part is, I can't even really say much or retaliate because I'm trying to be a good daughter. However today, I finally told her that I didn't know what to do whenever she acts like this. If it's not something I did, it's something I didn't do. I felt like no matter what the situation, she was just always angry. 

Obviously that talk didn't go well- and it wasn't because of my tone. 

Afterwards, I had about an hour to myself. I sat in the car thinking about how I can't change who my mother is or how she acts. And yes, I could pray to God, but ultimately, the tangible right-now thing that I could change is me. And deep down inside, I knew that I would have to do the dreaded apology thing again. I felt God telling me to humble myself no matter how wronged I felt. He reminded me that my mom still has authority over me and that I should respect and honour that authority, not test it. 

So after asking for strength from Jesus Christ, with racing heartbeats, I told her that I was sorry for the cat bringing fleas into the house and that she had every right to be angry at me. I also made commitments to be available to help with the packing process or anything else that she needed. 

She obviously didn't pat my head or anything, but the tense atmosphere dissolved a little. 

I can't tell you how conflicted I felt inside though, as I was apologising. On the one hand, my mind is saying, "she's always taking advantage of you and acting out on you!" On the other hand, the Holy Spirit told me "honour your father and mother, for this pleases the Lord."

See, I don't care anymore whether or not I have a legit reason to be mad at the people in my life with authority over me. So my parents are human- and so am I. Who am I to forgive when forgiveness alone belongs to God? And who am I to question their authority if I want my own kids to respect mine? 

My mom once hinted that she only started going to church again because she truly saw and believed the drastic change that she witnessed in me over the past two years. Knowing that, I can't ruin my daily witness by holding pride and resentment in my heart! I should live out every second of my day the exact way that I profess Jesus Christ walks in love. If I preach a Christ humbled on the cross, then I should reflect that humility in my daily actions since I claim that He lives in me. 

And you know what, He made the impossible possible. 

I would never in a million years have been able to do or say what I did today, but when I cried out to Jesus from the bottom of my heart, asking for strength and guidance, He provided it. Not only that, but He also went on ahead of my apology and calmed my mother's nerves so that I was able to speak to her and not agitate her further. 

How awesome is He!

And how weak I am... 

It's in situations like these when I'm reminded by how futile all my "intelligence" and "learning" is. And how physically, mentally and spiritually weak I really am. 

Without Christ, I have and am NOTHING.

Master Of None

All my life, I've always had teachers, friends and coaches tell me that I've got talent, potential and whatnot.

But I never achieved any greatness in sports, academics or anything else that I may have had a gift in.

And to be honest, I am grateful for that.

Why?

Because I don't have the kind of humility needed to be great in something.

I finally realised that while watching Without Limits about Prefontaine. It's probably my tenth time watching the entire movie through but this time, as I watched Pre do his first victory lap at Hayward Field, it struck me that I do not have the kind of character nor integrity to handle success like that. Not right now at least.

I'd probably have my head blown up with pride and the last thing I'd think about is thanking God. So, knowing that, He's never allowed me to become truly good at any single one thing in life- even though I have the potential.

How great are the depths of His knowledge!

A Blur Of Events

I went home this past weekend to spend some time with my family.

Baby brother still the same- engrossed in his video game.

Spent Sunday working on a dress for Nat.

My mom said it looks like a milkmaid's outfit!!! What do you think? Would you wear it out? I would...

Monday evening I went with a small group of trackies to Queens, New York for a track meet. Traffic was really bad on the way and it took us almost an hour and a half to get there.

In the spirit of upcoming Easter, we saw a car with bunny ears on the way.

Although the day had started out with Singapore weather, by the time we got there, the wind had dropped to a chilly 15 Celsius.

My event- the 3,000m steeplechase ended up being cancelled but at least I ran a 4x100m relay just for laughs.

I got home exhausted, mostly mentally and emotionally because even though I didn't have to fight any physical battles on the track, I had to fight spiritual battles within myself. Although outwards I was smiling and laughing and joking around with my teammates, inside I was a mess of thoughts and feelings.

Yes... It's the whole loving your enemy thing again.

To make matters more complicated, this "enemy" happens to be my ex, who is now... my track coach (long story). So not only do we clash in one level but you can imagine how complicated the dynamics are right now.

I am constantly faced with the struggle of having to be nice to him for Christ despite the unfairness of many situations. My gut instinct is always to lash out at him in hate and anger when he says or does stuff to spite me; but I keep reminding myself that I'm a different person now and it is for Jesus Christ that I now live- not my pride.

It is so hard!

It drives me crazy to have to bend over backwards, to not gossip, to swallow my pride and walk straight shoulders squared among all the eyes that are watching me. I feel like everybody is waiting for me to fall and I'm walking on a tightrope. My stomach turns each time and my flesh literally feels like there's something crawling underneath it when this struggle is going on. But I cannot cannot cannot give in!

But other times when I do give in (against my will), I just feel so unworthy, so low and far from God because of certain things I said that were out of place. It's like the perfect way to invite other people's judgment on myself- especially when I so blatantly toot God's horn on a daily basis.

Give me more grace!

Lord, help me to remember that You alone have the right to judge and that You have cast my sins as far as the east is from the west! Help me to run this race with my eyes fixed on the prize, leaving the past behind and forging ahead to take hold of Your victory. I ask in Jesus' name that You will take away any anger, hate or discordant spirit in me and fill me instead with a humble and contrite spirit. Help me to pray sincerely for my enemies and to bless them. May Your hand bless everything that I do, in Jesus' name I pray, thank you... Amen!

On another note, spring is definitely springing forth with the april showers.

It rained all day today and I predict more lovely blooms in the days to come.

So exciting to see green things budding after all these months of wintry gray!

I just got back from watching a school play actually. There was a production of The Little Shop of Horrors and I decided to go watch it because it was the first play I'd ever watched as a little girl and I wanted to see if I would pick up anything new this time.

First of all, I recognised some friends on stage and it was really awesome to watch them transform from ordinary people to bellowing singers. I never knew some of them were so talented! My applause was therefore much more sincere today than at Carnegie Hall last year...

As the plot unfolded, I began to pick out themes as if I were reading a book. I guess that's what being an English minor has done to me- I now naturally analyse every media form in all sorts of thematic contexts.

*spoiler alert in next paragraph*

But what I particularly enjoyed was that this play is very much relevant to the rundown area in Jersey City that we live in. The Little Shop of Horrors is set in Skidrow, a ghetto little town with hardly any prospects for its residents. However when Seymour, who works as an apprentice in a floral shop discovers a fantastic man-eating plant and uses it to gain fame, wealth and power, he is provided with an opportunity to "make it big". It's like the classic rags-to-riches fairytale, except that this one in Skidrow has a twist in it. Seymour's fairy godmother is this man-eating flytrap looking monster plant that keeps demanding "more! more!" and eventually Seymour has to sacrifice to it the very woman for whom he's been sacrificing things for. Obviously, at the end of the play, all the main characters are dead (in the monster plant) and the chorus sings the moral of the story: which is to stop feeding the plant.

On my walk back to the dorms in the soft rain, a thought kept recurring in my head: what are you chasing? What are you living for?

Am I trying to gain more friends? Am I trying to earn lots of money? Am I trying to become well-liked, fashionable, funny, awesome?

Because whatever I'm living for, if it's not the right thing, it's like the monster plant. The more I feed it, the bigger it gets. And even though at the beginning it promises me pleasure, wealth, fame, etc., at the end of it all, it will consume everything that I have and am.

Sigh...

Living for Christ is not easy. I feel as if I'm constantly struggling against myself. But at the end of the struggle there is always a peace that seems to come from nowhere. He always leads me out to greener pastures and still waters.

Thank God for trials for they make us stronger!

Major Conviction

I am so overwhelmed in spirit right now... My heart is pounding and the tears just keep welling.

I just came from a much-dreaded roommate meeting a few minutes ago where my roommates told me that 1) I haven't been contributing to the cleaning and 2) the way I talk is offensive sometimes- especially the way I make off-coloured jokes.

Do I disagree? No. I knew about the cleaning situation (I really haven't been cleaning and I was the one to initiate the cleaning contract) and I know I have overstepped my boundaries in the way that I spoke to my roommates on several occasions. Not just my roommates but just to other people in general. She mentioned that other people talk behind my back about how I say these things that are just so retarded that they make a joke out of how I am Christian.

Oh God that you would just rip this mouth from me! Why do I say things that are just so inconceivably wrong? The guilt that tears through my heart immediately afterwards! People speak of strength but they don't know what kind of strength it takes to walk out of my room, convicted in spirit to the point where I can barely look at my roommates without feeling judgment upon my head.

I have been dreading this meeting all week because I knew that I would be severely tempted to react negatively against all the accusations that would be flung at me. So before I went out to the living room, I prayed that God would just send His Holy Spirit to be with me.

It is true that God will never test you beyond what you can handle.

At one point in the meeting, I was just fighting an urge to slap my roommate in the face and scream "you hypocrite!"

I know right... How very hypocritical of me.

But I hung on to God's Word. I asked for a humble spirit and submitted myself to their demands no matter how unjust or unfair I felt them to be. It was really, really, really, really difficult. For lack of a better adjective. And when my roommate accused me of not living up to my Christian standards (you talk about this and that but you don't even do it yourself), I felt as if I could die.

I literally felt as if a millstone was hung around my neck. Have I caused my roommates to stumble Lord? Is it because of me that they are not drawn to the gospel? I could not fathom it.

So I submitted myself and admitted my wrongs. God gave me the strength to refrain from dwelling on their faults and instead focus on mine.

The meeting ended with me agreeing to their requests and also for us to have platonic relationships from now on. I am just too afraid of saying anything else that may offend them. I think I just need to set that kind of clear boundaries to prevent anymore damage.

I am not sure how they felt about my apologies for being an ass and a hypocrite; I couldn't tell from their expressions... But inside I am so ripped apart. I feel like I really let Christ down in this apartment. I feel so unworthy of His name. I just want to crawl away into a hole and disappear.

I know God disciplines those He loves, but why is it so heavy?

Dear God... I will be still and know that You are God. I will be silent and hide myself away in shame. But I ask that You will work a miracle in my life and cleanse me of this offensive mouth and give me spirit of kindness and forgiveness. Give me grace and fill my heart with love to the overflowing, so that I may not be ashamed because Your perfect love drives out all fear of judgment. Lord help me not to focus on the past, but to live in the present. Thank You for opening my eyes to what I have been doing and saying and continue to humble my spirit. I ask all this in gratefulness... Jehovah Tsidkenu, You are my righteousness! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Now I wish I could I say I am going to bed, but I'm actually going to write a five page history paper...

:)