Saturday, April 30, 2011


I've been eating a lot lately.

Don't know why. Maybe because of some sort of hidden stress from impending finals?

In any case, mechanical bull riding is the way to burn calories, especially the ones that build on your thighs.

I had a blast last night at our school's All-Nighter event, but I think I'll be paying for it in the days to come......

Friday, April 29, 2011

Slow Fade

I am wondering what happened to me.

This time last year I was so passionate about Christ. It wouldn't take much to convince me to go to any Jesus-related event, talk about any Bible-related stuff or start some mission for God.

Yet today I sit slumped and stumped by my unwillingness to move.

This is the first Thursday that I've not held a Bible study at the school library. For some reason, I just feel more and more discouraged every time I think about things. I tell myself that God is able, but my heart just isn't quite believing it truly.

Is it because I've let God down in some way that I feel like this? Was it something I did or didn't do?

To be honest I couldn't even tell you what this feeling is called. There's just no adjective to describe it. "Lazy" doesn't quite cut it.

But I really really dislike this unproductive streak.

Dear Lord...... What's going on? I need to hear from You again. I need Your divine touch in my life again. Will you please reach out to me and show me the way? Where do I go from here?


"People never crumble in a day, it's a slow fade" -Casting Crowns

Oh I almost forgot.

When I was scrolling through Facebook, something suddenly caught my eye: it was a post that said "God does not choose the qualified, God qualifies the chosen" -Joselyn

As I read that, I just felt tears come to my eyes... But something in my mind seemed to question if the perfect timing of this message were just my imagination. This isn't the first time I've wavered on messages. Recently I really began to feel my faith challenged by thoughts like these. What if I were just imagining things? What if God didn't choose me? What if I am just "making it all up?"

A few Bible studys ago, we talked about how as a Christian grows closer to God, the temptations that will challenge his walk tend to veer from more "fleshly sins" like stealing, murder, etc. to things concerning lack of faith and spiritual doubting.

I find that I am becoming to be more of the latter. Yet God calls us to be as children if we want to enter the kingdom of heaven, not over-cynical adults.

You know what, I just need to log off right now and spend some time in prayer.


Thursday, April 28, 2011

Housecleaning Thoughts

I just finished cleaning the entire apartment and I'm waiting for my laundry to get dry downstairs as I write.

The lethargic mood hasn't left me yet, but Khadeen is right- I should be doing all the things that I know I need to finish anyway. So I'm doing my laundry, cleaning the apartment and all that's left to do is to start reading the material on my law paper assignment.

I know these things won't exactly make me feel better per se, but they are just mundane things that have to be done no matter what.

In any case, I heard from the Ministry of Foreign Affairs in Singapore today and they rejected my application. Not to sound defeated in advance, but I already sort of knew I would not get a position there- just because I'm not Ivy League material or some sort of President's Scholar. What else would you expect from a country that prides itself on meritocratic values?

So the job search continues...

But the reason why I'm blogging right now is because each time I clean the apartment, I start to think about many things concerning my roommate and I. Me being me, I try to justify why I shouldn't be the one asking for forgiveness in the first place. I come up with all kinds of valid reasons as to why SHE should be the one who should be asking ME and not the other way round. But then I hear a voice checking my thoughts saying: "who are YOU to forgive? Do you even have the power to forgive?"

That's when I realised that not even my roommate has the right nor the ability to truly forgive me. Only Jesus Christ has the authority to forgive sins.

Not only that but it's so hypocritical of me to think such things!

As I'm wiping the floors, it's easy to fall into the trap of wondering when she's going to "wake up" and see the real reason why I'm bending over backwards for her. Maybe then she'll be able to stop holding grudges or acting the way she does.

But who's to say she will? Can I make her?

I can't... Only God can.

But I think and think and think to make myself feel better about having to clean the floors until I finally realise that this whole time, I'm the one who's holding grudges. Why should I need to justify the good that I'm doing if I'm doing it solely out of love for Christ? Why do I keep longing for instantly gratifying results even though I know the seeds I plant will never grow except by the power and will of God?

It is just human nature, I suppose. My sinful, fleshly nature.

But I don't like it and it has been quite a battle going between the two opposing thoughts. For Christ vs. for myself.

How will I live the rest of my collegiate life?

I'm Allergic To The World

Because all the trees have been flowering lately, my nose and eyes have been assaulted by massive waves of pollen. Every morning I wake up with a nose more watery than the Hudson river and eyes as swollen as a bullfrog's. But no, I wouldn't exchange my allergies for cooler weather. It's so nice to be able to walk around in flipflops and shorts again!

Unfortunately, my allergies aren't the only thing assaulting me right now. I've also come down with an official case of SENIORITIS.

Yes, this in the face of a 20 page law essay due next Wednesday and two big finals to prepare for. Not to mention in two weeks, we'll be having our MAAC outdoor track championships.

But what's one to do when the weather is so fine and there are so many opportunities to go out and play?

Not only do I feel unmotivated to study, I also lack inspiration to run hard at track practice. Sadly, this lack of discipline is slowly affecting my healthy diet which is falling apart as we speak. I don't want to go to classes or do my laundry.

Is it solely the weather's fault? I don't think so.

I think spiritually, I've been getting lazy with my prayer life and taking more shortcuts with things concerning God. Because my spiritual life is such, it translates into everything else that I do. I just can't seem to shake out of it...

There's a fun event going on in school right now but I'm sitting here in my room because I just want a little quiet time. There's just been too much going on these past few days, activities-wise.

Okay, I know. One last charge and I'll be done right? Sigh...

Then it's time to step out into the big wide world........

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Easter Time

Went to the Bronx on Thursday with girls from Bible study at school. We were there to visit Khadeen's mom in the hospital.

What a humbling experience it was, to be reminded that good health is a blessing from God. While we prayed together in the ICU, I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed by it all... The tubes, the smile in her mom's eyes despite the pain, Khadeen's quiet strength, our shuffling feet, the beeping machines... All the troubles in the world seemed to diminish in comparison to what I saw and felt.

I got home feeling drained from the four hour commute.

Drove back home from school on Saturday afternoon to play with the boys.

In the evening my mom and I went to Lowes to pick up some new flowers to plant in front of the house. She did all the digging because I hate earthworms.

This morning at Easter service, the pastor basically talked about Christ's resurrection giving us victory over death, sinful behaviour, etc.; it also gives us power over past sins and peace concerning the unknown future.

I guess what I've been feeling recently is inadequacy. I feel as if I don't deserve to come close to God, because of what happened between my roommates and I and various other things.

Every time I open the Bible, I read things like "and the Lord's servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful" (2 Timothy 2:24).

Verses like that just cut right to my heart when I think about how I have to battle with resentment and counting wrongs each time I see or hear my roommate in the dorm. Not only that, but I feel like I haven't been fed spiritual food recently because I haven't been surrounded by a lot of Christian friends. Instead, I've been hanging out with lots of anti-Christian lifestyle people in an effort to reach out to them.

After all this time, I feel like I am just drifting further and further away from God. I really don't want to end up in a place where I've become numb to sin.

In any case, the rest of the family just arrived for Easter dinner.

Gotta go!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Blessed Days

I feel so blessed right now because yesterday and today were really good days.

For one, Mo came to visit us with her baby girl yesterday at track practice. It's so weird to see her as a mom now. When she graduated, getting married and having a kid were among the last things I'd expected her to do. But here she is, still seeming like the same person but different...

How time flies!

After practice, Nat and I pranked Telly by pasting Post-its all over her door.

We'd actually planned this for a long time now- since last year! We figured that Tuesdays evenings were the best time because Telly would be at work. Who knew that YESTERDAY of all Tuesdays, she would be getting a room inspection?

So yes, unfortunately we were caught red-handed by Miss Telly herself. Not that she minded at all.

Because they were messages of love.

After pranking Telly, we went (once again) to Kean University for a dodgeball game.

This time, there were so many people jammed into one court that I got bored halfway through and dropped out to play something else on my own.

It was nice though, just to hang out and stuff.

Fast forward to this afternoon- we had to do community service after track practice.

Street cleaning...

Holding up signs to get cars to honk at us. We wanted them to know that this was a grassroots movement in keeping the city clean; and that we weren't inmates.

Everyone had a lot more fun than we expected.

After that, I had a bunch of girls over to dye Easter eggs and hang out.

It was interesting to see what designs all of us came up with.

Hidden artistic talents in all of us!

I am really enjoying my last few weeks as a college senior- so much so that I don't really want to leave. Why why why do I always begin to really enjoy myself when I'm about to leave a place?

Well I'm just going to keep giving thanks to God who is awesome and from whom all good things come. I can't control my life and where I'll be in the years to come, but I can and will always give thanks for the grace He's giving me day by day.

Still, spending time with people is draining and distracting. I need some quiet time with my dearest God, pronto.

Goodnight world.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Tuesday Update

Oh no I haven't blogged for so long!

Last Friday I had a really good track meet at Rutgers University. It's amazing how after all these years, I'm still learning new things about how to race and train. At each race I discover something new about how to run well. I love it!

Sunday, we celebrated Mommom's birthday.

Had the most delicious cheesecake I've ever had in years. Maybe it's because I've been trying hard not to snack impulsively that every sweet titbit tastes heavenly, but that was some seriously good cheesecake! My mom bought it from Wegman's supermarket.

As for further updates on everything else in life; my roommates still aren't really talking to me. To be accurate, I just haven't seen the one who hates my guts since we last had the "meeting". I think this space is necessary to the both of us right now anyway. All I can really do is to continue praying for myself to be more patient and understanding and for God to soften her heart.

As for school, it's going to start picking up any day now. However I'm really going to try my bestest not to pull any all-nighters this time around because our track championships are coming up and I've been dreaming big dreams...

Regardless, this spring has been really lovely weather-wise. We've had a lot of rainy days but also a good bunch of temperate sunny days. In a short while, summer will be here and winter will be naught but a memory... My college days will be a memory...

Because graduation is coming up in about a month or so, I've been trying to make full use of my time to hang out with as many people as I can. Who knows? I may never see them again. But while I'm here, I want to walk on these dirty concrete pavements, laugh like a kid and play in sun. When I finally leave school and close this chapter of my life, things will never be the same again.

How blessed we are in the present!

Thank you God for making me understand how precious is our gift of life daily. Help me not to take today for granted but to live it according to what You would wish. Fully and abundantly. In Jesus' name, Amen!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Life Seems Rosy

Life seems rosy, but it's really not.

Last night, Nat and I went on a late night run to get sushi in New York City.

Had Pinkberry for dessert!

Found *gasp* Calbee crackers in the Korean supermarket.

Empire State Building looks amazing.

Laughed like maniacs at the Baby Gap mannequins in the display window.

Seriously. Could not stop laughing.

Lovely pink tulips scattered all over K-town.

Today's weather was so magnificently warm that we just had to run and play outside.

More spring blooms.

Actual insects!

The best part of today is a tie between a crazy water balloon fight after track practice and bible study in the evening.

This was the first bible study we've had in a few weeks because of various things that came up before. Although something inside me seemed to be fighting against going there today, I came out of it feeling refreshed and glad to be among other Christians again.

We talked about so many things, I can't even begin to transcribe our conversations. But one of the messages that really stood out to me was about trials and temptations. Why?

I found out why when I got back to my dorm room.

Things between my roommates and I really escalated tonight and I felt myself trembling from the great struggle I was going through. I can honestly say I've never felt this angry yet calm at the same time. While my mind sought peace, my flesh craved revenge and spite. My heart yearned for Christ but my hands were literally shaking from not typing out spiteful Facebook statuses to appease my anger.

We had another impromptu roommate meeting which, in my opinion did not start well at all. But by the end of it, I felt God just rest His peace upon my heart. My anger went away and I left humbled by the situation.

It was really quite strange. One moment I felt so overwhelmed by anger that my heart was beginning to hurt. After praying in my head to God to help me (I did this almost unconsciously... it was like my spirit prayed without any words), I suddenly saw my roommate through new eyes. I no longer hated her nor was I looking for things to accuse her with. I just wanted to soothe things over and I could feel my heart just change towards her.

So miraculous. My God is an Awesome God!

I do all this because I love You dear God. You are the only One worth living for. I can't live for myself anymore. My pride? What of it? My face? Dignity? Those things don't mean anything because they can never compare to knowing You. So what if I lose these battles? If You are with me, who can be against me? So Lord, I entrust my battles to You and I ask that Your hand will continue to be with me and upon me. Turn Your face towards me and keep me in Your favour at all times. I humble and quiet myself at Your feet. Save me from the wreck I am. Help me to remember that we fight not against flesh and blood, but against the powers and principalities of darkness. But You O Lord, who are in me, is greater than he who is in this world. Amen.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (James 1:2-4)

"Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless." (James 1:26)

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

A Blur Of Events

I went home this past weekend to spend some time with my family.

Baby brother still the same- engrossed in his video game.

Spent Sunday working on a dress for Nat.

My mom said it looks like a milkmaid's outfit!!! What do you think? Would you wear it out? I would...

Monday evening I went with a small group of trackies to Queens, New York for a track meet. Traffic was really bad on the way and it took us almost an hour and a half to get there.

In the spirit of upcoming Easter, we saw a car with bunny ears on the way.

Although the day had started out with Singapore weather, by the time we got there, the wind had dropped to a chilly 15 Celsius.

My event- the 3,000m steeplechase ended up being cancelled but at least I ran a 4x100m relay just for laughs.

I got home exhausted, mostly mentally and emotionally because even though I didn't have to fight any physical battles on the track, I had to fight spiritual battles within myself. Although outwards I was smiling and laughing and joking around with my teammates, inside I was a mess of thoughts and feelings.

Yes... It's the whole loving your enemy thing again.

To make matters more complicated, this "enemy" happens to be my ex, who is now... my track coach (long story). So not only do we clash in one level but you can imagine how complicated the dynamics are right now.

I am constantly faced with the struggle of having to be nice to him for Christ despite the unfairness of many situations. My gut instinct is always to lash out at him in hate and anger when he says or does stuff to spite me; but I keep reminding myself that I'm a different person now and it is for Jesus Christ that I now live- not my pride.

It is so hard!

It drives me crazy to have to bend over backwards, to not gossip, to swallow my pride and walk straight shoulders squared among all the eyes that are watching me. I feel like everybody is waiting for me to fall and I'm walking on a tightrope. My stomach turns each time and my flesh literally feels like there's something crawling underneath it when this struggle is going on. But I cannot cannot cannot give in!

But other times when I do give in (against my will), I just feel so unworthy, so low and far from God because of certain things I said that were out of place. It's like the perfect way to invite other people's judgment on myself- especially when I so blatantly toot God's horn on a daily basis.

Give me more grace!

Lord, help me to remember that You alone have the right to judge and that You have cast my sins as far as the east is from the west! Help me to run this race with my eyes fixed on the prize, leaving the past behind and forging ahead to take hold of Your victory. I ask in Jesus' name that You will take away any anger, hate or discordant spirit in me and fill me instead with a humble and contrite spirit. Help me to pray sincerely for my enemies and to bless them. May Your hand bless everything that I do, in Jesus' name I pray, thank you... Amen!

On another note, spring is definitely springing forth with the april showers.

It rained all day today and I predict more lovely blooms in the days to come.

So exciting to see green things budding after all these months of wintry gray!

I just got back from watching a school play actually. There was a production of The Little Shop of Horrors and I decided to go watch it because it was the first play I'd ever watched as a little girl and I wanted to see if I would pick up anything new this time.

First of all, I recognised some friends on stage and it was really awesome to watch them transform from ordinary people to bellowing singers. I never knew some of them were so talented! My applause was therefore much more sincere today than at Carnegie Hall last year...

As the plot unfolded, I began to pick out themes as if I were reading a book. I guess that's what being an English minor has done to me- I now naturally analyse every media form in all sorts of thematic contexts.

*spoiler alert in next paragraph*

But what I particularly enjoyed was that this play is very much relevant to the rundown area in Jersey City that we live in. The Little Shop of Horrors is set in Skidrow, a ghetto little town with hardly any prospects for its residents. However when Seymour, who works as an apprentice in a floral shop discovers a fantastic man-eating plant and uses it to gain fame, wealth and power, he is provided with an opportunity to "make it big". It's like the classic rags-to-riches fairytale, except that this one in Skidrow has a twist in it. Seymour's fairy godmother is this man-eating flytrap looking monster plant that keeps demanding "more! more!" and eventually Seymour has to sacrifice to it the very woman for whom he's been sacrificing things for. Obviously, at the end of the play, all the main characters are dead (in the monster plant) and the chorus sings the moral of the story: which is to stop feeding the plant.

On my walk back to the dorms in the soft rain, a thought kept recurring in my head: what are you chasing? What are you living for?

Am I trying to gain more friends? Am I trying to earn lots of money? Am I trying to become well-liked, fashionable, funny, awesome?

Because whatever I'm living for, if it's not the right thing, it's like the monster plant. The more I feed it, the bigger it gets. And even though at the beginning it promises me pleasure, wealth, fame, etc., at the end of it all, it will consume everything that I have and am.


Living for Christ is not easy. I feel as if I'm constantly struggling against myself. But at the end of the struggle there is always a peace that seems to come from nowhere. He always leads me out to greener pastures and still waters.

Thank God for trials for they make us stronger!

Friday, April 08, 2011

Finally An Awesome Day

After handing in my paper yesterday morning, I finally felt as if a heavy weight has been lifted off my head. It's not the last paper of the semester, but it's the last paper that's been due one after another.

Although the weather outside was cold, cloudy and rainy, it was as if the clouds had begun to part inside my head and the sunlight was shining through.

The latter part of the school day passed just magnificently as I was inducted into the English Honours Society. I kind of regret now not joining the Economics Honours Society for certain reasons at the time, but hey at least I got this one on my resume.

At the induction ceremony, they had invited an SPC alumni who graduated as an English major to come speak to us about her time here. As a successful lawyer and writer, she said that she has no regrets about coming to this school because even though it's small and relatively unknown, her time here gave her the confidence that nobody else from all the Ivy Leagues had when she worked on Wall Street.

After giving it some thought, I realised that God had after all placed me in the best school– even better than any other school I could have picked for myself.

During my time here, despite all the things I complain about, I've been given the freedom to motivate myself in ways I never might've been given had I studied elsewhere. When the SPC alumni mentioned how she truly was able to just blossom confidently here, I realised that it was exactly how my time here has been.

Not only that, but I've had the benefit of having a few professors who, like the other teachers that have been stationed throughout my life, were genuinely interested in my development as a student and a person. When I was down, they encouraged me. When I was despondent, they gave me hope. They did not teach me in conventional ways but rather understood that what I needed wasn't so much a teacher but rather something else... that has no title.

I talk to friends who have gone to bigger, better, more prestigious universities and realise that I would never have had such professors had I followed in their footsteps.

How mysterious are God's ways...

Anyway, after an awesome day at practice and a bout of basketball yesterday afternoon, I ended up going with a whole bunch of friends to the nearby Kean University to play dodgeball.

It was a lot of fun! But because I've only had about two hours of sleep for the past two days in a row, I was starting to droop off to sleep on the floor.

Afterwards we went to a diner for some late night nourishment.


By the time my pancakes arrived (these are my friend's pancakes by the way... haha), my mind was so lost up in a dreamy alternate reality. I got home around midnight, thanked God sincerely for this awesome stress-free day and sank into my bed.

Finally, for the first time in I forget how long, I got to sleep in- and I did. For almost twelve hours straight!

I have more papers coming up next week, but I know now the worst is over. Yet at the same time, I'm also aware of how fast graduation is creeping up on me. Although school is stressful and all, I can't help but think about how much I will miss it when I leave. So no matter how much homework I get or how tired I get at track practice, I am going to give it my all and just enjoy every moment, whether good or bad, that God has given to me.

On another note, about my roommate situation, we haven't really bumped into each other since the last meeting. However when I come home and I see one of them here, I will say hi to her and she usually smiles back and says hello in return. I'd say all in all, things are good on my end. I feel that much stronger after God has brought me through that fire.

I feel like singing...

On His wings, on His shoulders
I stand and rejoice!

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Major Conviction

I am so overwhelmed in spirit right now... My heart is pounding and the tears just keep welling.

I just came from a much-dreaded roommate meeting a few minutes ago where my roommates told me that 1) I haven't been contributing to the cleaning and 2) the way I talk is offensive sometimes- especially the way I make off-coloured jokes.

Do I disagree? No. I knew about the cleaning situation (I really haven't been cleaning and I was the one to initiate the cleaning contract) and I know I have overstepped my boundaries in the way that I spoke to my roommates on several occasions. Not just my roommates but just to other people in general. She mentioned that other people talk behind my back about how I say these things that are just so retarded that they make a joke out of how I am Christian.

Oh God that you would just rip this mouth from me! Why do I say things that are just so inconceivably wrong? The guilt that tears through my heart immediately afterwards! People speak of strength but they don't know what kind of strength it takes to walk out of my room, convicted in spirit to the point where I can barely look at my roommates without feeling judgment upon my head.

I have been dreading this meeting all week because I knew that I would be severely tempted to react negatively against all the accusations that would be flung at me. So before I went out to the living room, I prayed that God would just send His Holy Spirit to be with me.

It is true that God will never test you beyond what you can handle.

At one point in the meeting, I was just fighting an urge to slap my roommate in the face and scream "you hypocrite!"

I know right... How very hypocritical of me.

But I hung on to God's Word. I asked for a humble spirit and submitted myself to their demands no matter how unjust or unfair I felt them to be. It was really, really, really, really difficult. For lack of a better adjective. And when my roommate accused me of not living up to my Christian standards (you talk about this and that but you don't even do it yourself), I felt as if I could die.

I literally felt as if a millstone was hung around my neck. Have I caused my roommates to stumble Lord? Is it because of me that they are not drawn to the gospel? I could not fathom it.

So I submitted myself and admitted my wrongs. God gave me the strength to refrain from dwelling on their faults and instead focus on mine.

The meeting ended with me agreeing to their requests and also for us to have platonic relationships from now on. I am just too afraid of saying anything else that may offend them. I think I just need to set that kind of clear boundaries to prevent anymore damage.

I am not sure how they felt about my apologies for being an ass and a hypocrite; I couldn't tell from their expressions... But inside I am so ripped apart. I feel like I really let Christ down in this apartment. I feel so unworthy of His name. I just want to crawl away into a hole and disappear.

I know God disciplines those He loves, but why is it so heavy?

Dear God... I will be still and know that You are God. I will be silent and hide myself away in shame. But I ask that You will work a miracle in my life and cleanse me of this offensive mouth and give me spirit of kindness and forgiveness. Give me grace and fill my heart with love to the overflowing, so that I may not be ashamed because Your perfect love drives out all fear of judgment. Lord help me not to focus on the past, but to live in the present. Thank You for opening my eyes to what I have been doing and saying and continue to humble my spirit. I ask all this in gratefulness... Jehovah Tsidkenu, You are my righteousness! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Now I wish I could I say I am going to bed, but I'm actually going to write a five page history paper...



Paper after paper after paper...

These few weeks are just blending into one super long week that never seems to end!

Just when I thought I could sit back and relax a bit, the next big paper arrives. Why does everyone else get nice little three page papers while I get ten and twenty pagers? Even five pages don't seem very much anymore. Five pagers are like chicken nuggets.

I want to sleep, I want to run, I want to rollerblade, I want to hang out and play soccer and swim. I want to do most everything BUT write these papers. And to be honest right now, I just want to breathe without a trail of papers hanging over my head.

Even though I got to spend this weekend hanging out with some trackies, I didn't really enjoy myself because the other half of my mind was constantly thinking about the homework I had to get done. While everyone else was watching TV, I was reading my chapter on law. I was completely regretting inviting everyone over the weekend and felt bad if I had to cancel all of our plans that we had made in advance.

Ok Mindy.

School is a luxury. Work is a lot more stressful and harder than this. Just get through this and when summer comes you can take the well-deserved break you want!

Yes... That's what I tell myself...

But at the back of my head is a little voice that says: if you don't play now, by the time you graduate, you won't have any time to do all the stuff you want to do.


Dear God, instead of blogging, I know I should be finishing my essay. Instead of harping on other people's faults, I should be concerned only with my own. Instead of bringing up the past, I should be living in the present. Instead of daydreaming, I should be working to reap a harvest. Give me more grace! In Jesus' name I pray, help me who has no other source of help but You. Amen!

Wow... I am such a complainer... And a great excuse-maker.

I should really just Stop. And Write.

Friday, April 01, 2011

Late Night Thoughts

It is a little late to be blogging, but I just feel like it right now.

Spring is definitely here.

Another spring...

Will this be my last, or just another one in a long succession of future springs?

Who knows?

Anyway I guess the reason why I suddenly feel like blogging even though I already wrote a post earlier today is to update on those previous thoughts.

I actually just finished reading tonight's devotions and the Bible verses that come with it; but the cool thing is these few sentences in last night's devotion (that I somehow missed because I messed up the dates). They seem to speak directly to my situation with impatience: "There are times we don't get it as quickly as we'd like. Often we have to be told over and over again to do something. Sometimes we're asked the same questions, only phrased a little differently to make sure we truly understand."


I felt like God was saying to me, "look, this is why you should be patient with other people even though you think they're just asking dumb questions over and again."

This is really incredible because when I first started reading, I somehow felt further from God in spirit and I didn't seem to be able to hear anything that spoke to me. Frustration and irritation still lurked in me somewhere.

Then I tried to pray but it seemed really hard to just even close my eyes and bow my head. But I finally did. And then after asking God to change my heart, the words came pouring out.

Forgive me. Speak to me. Make real Your Word to me tonight!

After praying, I returned to my reading and instantly felt the difference. His voice was clear and everything made sense and had meaning again.

Then my song playlist started playing the song 耶和华是爱 and I could feel my heart just sink into the comfort of His arms and His peace come in.

I realised that this is what I've been missing this whole week. Because I've been so tired by the time I get to reading my Bible at night, my heart hasn't been totally in the right place. I let the stress and tiredness affect the quiet times I so cherish with my God. No wonder my soul felt so easily irritated and restless.

I really can't wait for this Sunday to come.

But on that note, this will be an interesting weekend.

I had invited a few friends from track to come over to stay and play at home with me this Saturday, Sunday. I wonder how they'd feel about going to church Sunday morning? Only Khadeen and I are Christians among them. The other two are almost entirely indifferent and the third one loves to make fun of my faith.

Can I be myself in church this Sunday without worrying about what they think about me?

When I'm in church, I cry a lot. I just get so overwhelmed about a lot of "little things". Sometimes even just feeling a person next to me get moved by the Holy Spirit gets my tears going.

Well, perhaps it's not just mere coincidence that tonight's devotion also reads: "tell God that you sometimes care too much about what others think. Ask for his help in getting past that simply to concentrate on pleasing Him with your entire life."