7 Weeks

My dear baby is growing so quickly... At 7 weeks, he is now making plenty of cooing sounds during waketimes and starting to lift his head higher when lying on his tummy. 

He smiled at me quite a few times today. Oh it warms my heart so to see it! 

Sometimes I wonder if I really do love him with the intense kind of love that moms supposedly have. You know, the kind that will make moms voluntarily jump into a fire to save their babies. Honestly, sometimes when he gets his saliva on my hand, I quickly try to wipe it off because I am kind of saliva phobic. 

Still, I know I definitely love him enough to change his diaper in the morning with a smile even though I am dead tired. A few years ago, you could not persuade me to get out of bed without at least three swipes at the snooze button. Now, all I need is a faint whimper from the baby cot and I'm up! 

Each time I look down on his sweet little face, I'm reminded of how innocent and helpless he is. If he needs anything, the most he could do is to cry until his throat dries out. He is totally and utterly dependent on me. What a scary thing it is to be a baby.

I visited Lizzie and baby Alexander earlier today. I had not seen them since a week before I delivered, which was when Alex was born. Six days later, out came Brendan. 

It's really nice to have a friend who is going through the same lifestage as you, especially a Christian one. It's easy to listen to the world give you all sorts of advice, but nothing beats Christian fellowship- it's like chicken soup for the soul. 

In the evening, I hung out at Ah Yee's, where we discovered that Brendan could probably play the piano with his toes in the future if he wanted to. Haha! 

Anddddd that's it for the day. I put him down to sleep at about 10pm and spent the last two hours blogging, replying to emails and surfing Facebook. 

Goodnight. 

He Proposed, We're Engaged!

It's official. 

Today he put a ring on it!

And at Bible study nonetheless!

I cannot believe that he managed to keep this all a secret. I thought that he'd propose someday over a quiet dinner or something, but I never expected this!

He started out by announcing his baptism date to the group (I was busy doodling on my iPad). Next thing you know, he says "there's also one more thing that I want to do for the woman that I love". 

I froze and looked up from my iPad, then he drops to his knee and pulls out the ring.

Kim was filming the whole thing but I was so flustered and surprised that I didn't know what to do. My cheeks were hurting from smiling so wide and I just kept hiding my bright red face in my hands.

In case you were wondering, I said "okay". 

We went for dinner together at Din Tai Fung after showing my mom the ring at home. 

As we walked, he held my hand tightly and whispered, "now you're mine".

:)

What Is Love

Last night J asked me if I had ever told anyone that I loved him and meant it. I said no, because even though I have said "I love you" to that person in my past, I didn't know what love was when I said it all those years ago. Talk was cheap enough for me to throw it around like dollar bills. 

I saw a look of puzzlement flicker across his face. 

"if you said you love him, even though your definition of love has changed since then, it still counts at the point when you meant it!"

Sigh... 

No. 

Just, no. 

How do you explain what "love" is to somebody who does not know the true love of God? 

I remember what it was like before I experienced Jesus' love. I always felt like there was a hole in my heart. I was always cold, always hungry. Always needing to fill the gaps in my life with temporary joys. Partying, feeling popular, being happy, being sad, shopping, sports, a boyfriend.... You name it. But none of those things could ever fill this ever-hungry heart of mine. 

When I was in that past relationship, my view of love was a very immature and selfish one. My daily relationship "meter" went something like this:

How can this person make me happy? 

How can he fulfil my needs?

Is he good enough for me?

Does he love me as much as I (think I) love him?

Not once did I consider:

What can I do for him?

How can I fulfil his needs?

Am I striving to give him my best?

What can I give of myself for the benefit of this relationship?

It wasn't until I understood what Jesus did for me on the cross, then did I begin to even have a tiny grasp of what true love looked like. 

There I was, a sinner, deserving of death and an eternity in hell. There He was, perfect and holy, creator of heaven and earth. He had every right to ignore me and let me pass into oblivion. But because He loved me so much, He sacrificed his high position in heaven, coming down to earth to be born to a lowly carpenter. He lived a perfect and blameless life, only to bear the full punishment for my sins on the cross. 

All this, before I was even born. Before I had even made the choice to follow Him with all my heart. He gave up everything for me because He wanted just a chance to spend an eternity with me. 

He pursued me like Jacob pursued Rachel, working 14 years under her father just for her hand in marriage. "But they seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her" (Genesis 29:20) 

I am overwhelmed with the thought of someone who died for me almost two thousand years ago... Just to give us a chance to be together... 

I know it all sounds great and stuff, but what does this have to do with my relationships with people?

I'll tell you what. 

The biggest lesson I learnt about love since those years ago when I was last in a romantic relationship- is that LOVE, means denying yourself, sacrificing yourself and ultimately dying, whether physically, emotionally or spiritually, for someone else. Not because that person deserves it, but because you loved him first. 

It is not about having flowers sent to your door, nor having him text you every other hour. It is not about having a million things in common, nor is it about mending his socks or cleaning the house. It is not about yourself, nor is it about being happy. 

So many people want to be in a relationship these days because they think that it will make them "happy". The real reason they feel this way is because deep inside, we all have that gap in our hearts. This gap can only really be filled with God's love, because God's love NEVER runs out. Whereas, a relationship with another imperfect human being can never meet all of our deepest emotional needs. 

I think a healthy way to look at romantic relationships is not how it can make us happy. Rather, relationships are a way for us to experience on our own human terms, what the depths of God's love is like. 

It's difficult to imagine the pain and longing Jesus must have felt on the cross when he died for a people who have yet to know and accept Him. Still, He bled for us anyway and sacrificed His body and spirit willingly. Likewise, when we are in a relationship with somebody, be it a husband, parent, sibling or friend, we will surely encounter on a daily basis, situations when we need to also sacrifice ourselves. And by sacrifice, I mean a full sacrifice. Sometimes you see wives give way to their husbands, but then they turn around and make a face to show their displeasure. I don't consider that a full sacrifice nor is it truly submitting. Self-denial for someone who doesn't deserve it is not only difficult, it is usually impossible. There is a supernatural strength that is necessary in such a task, and it is only attainable through the power of the Holy Spirit. 

And I have to remind myself that this is why, God call us not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers. 

How can I even think of creating a family with someone who has no concept of sacrificial love? Where will this person be in my darkest of days? Who can my children look up to, to learn of what a father's sacrificial love is like? It will be a selfish act on my part, to put my children in such a loveless family...... 

Dear Father in heaven, I thank You for always walking beside me. I thank You for loving me everyday, even when I fail You or forget You. You have never forgotten me, nor have You ever stopped wanting the best for me. Thank You for reminding me today of Your love. I run to You and hide in the shadow of Your wings. In Jesus' name, Amen.

P.S.

I finally tried dropping into the vert bowl yesterday and even though I fell midway, it was a soft fall. I feel nothing but even more encouraged to try once more!

Denying Myself For Christ

I am still struggling with my feelings. I can't shake them, but God has been faithful to keep me standing. 

There were nights when I would be tempted with such thoughts: 

"the best is already come, if you miss this opportunity, you will lose everything"

"it's okay, God doesn't mind"

"it's not even that serious, don't take it so seriously"

I would lie in my bed with tears flowing down my cheeks, because I half-believed those thoughts. I pitied myself and I felt sorry for how weak I was. I felt robbed of joy and peace. Nothing seemed to go right. 

I knew that I had to give it up, but still my heart held on so tightly. 

But God reminded me of His laws; His everlasting laws that guide our paths. It was God's Word and His laws that saved me from death all those years ago, and once more, it was His laws that would point me back to true north. I could not turn my back to that. 

I started to think about the impact of my reckless thoughts and actions on others. 

I realised that even though I thought I was being considerate the whole time, I was still falling short. 

This battle is intense, but I am encouraged hourly by the Lord. He is faithful to me even as I feel faithless. 

Let this post be a reminder to me in the future.... 

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning. Great is Thy faithfulness!" (Lamentations 3:22-23)

Valentine's Day

Let's see... it's now... 2012? This will be the fourth year in a row since I last spent this day without a legit valentine. I know some of you reading this have NEVER had a valentine so you're probably rolling your eyes right now. But before they roll to the back of your head, please hear me out!

Four years ago, I never thought that I'd be able to survive without a boyfriend. 

Really. 

I know it sounds stupid, and it really is, but I gotta tell you how it was back then. 

Truth is, I was always searching for that someone to fill the lonely gaps in my heart. You know, not just a person to talk to after school and stuff, but a warm body next to mine, a reassuring presence on the couch while watching TV. I never thought I'd see the day when I was fine being on the couch alone. 

Then in 2008, God saved my life and opened my eyes to the stupidity I was wallowing in. 

I realised that I was searching for love in all the wrong places. Not only that, but the "love" I sought wasn't even close to what true love was about. I was chasing an ideal that we see in the movies. I thought that as long as a guy was "spontaneous, cute, caring and has a good sense of humour", he'd be the one for me. 

How immature and silly of me to think that way!

True contentment can never be found in another human being except Jesus Christ. Every man, every friend or relative will disappoint you in some way at least once in your lifetime, but God never will. He is always the same, always faithful, always righteous and just. 

So I haven't dated since 2009, but plenty of temptations have come my way. I know you're thinking that those temptations mean there are guys who are trying to date me. I don't mean to sound like there are literally mobs of guys after me. There are no mobs. But there are other temptations, such as temptations to give up my beliefs in purity before marriage. 

I've been challenged so many times by non-Christians and strong Christians alike during these years that I've resolved to not date (not fish for a partner). Sometimes those people make me wonder if I really am being too extreme. Yet time and again, I just couldn't shake the feeling and conviction that the world's pattern of dating doesn't keep the marriage bed pure. I just can't bring myself to date, let alone date a non-Christian!

I know this supposedly means that my chances of getting hitched are significantly reduced. 

That's good. 

That also probably means that my chances of getting emotionally scarred are also significantly reduced.

Call me scared and timid if you wish, but I value my heart enough to not put it through the stress and pain that it's been through before. Why would I throw it in the washing machine again for a few spin cycles just to see if it would come out unscathed? That would be pure stupidity! 

But in case you're wondering if I'm refraining from dating out of fear of getting hurt, let me assure you that is not the sole reason. The sole reason is honouring God. Realising that He has bought my body and soul with His own blood shed on the cross, willingly giving my life and my all to Him, because I trust Him. 

But I will tell you that this is a daily struggle for me. Keeping the marriage pure is so much more than simply not having sex before marriage or not fishing around for a partner. It's about keeping one's thoughts pure, about being honest with one's intentions at all times with the opposite sex, about honouring other people's future husbands and wives as well as yourself. It is so much harder than it sounds. So many times I fall, I feel like it's just impossible to live according to God's will, then I feel like giving up. 

Yet God keeps reminding me that although "with man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible" (Matthew 19:26) and "that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Jesus Christ" (Philippians 1:6)

Dear Lord Jesus, you know the moments when I feel like giving up. I know You are watching me from your heavenly throne. I know Your heart breaks when You see me fall and wander away from Your Word. In my weakness, You are strong. In my desperation, You are my hope. God I pray that You will lift me up on wings like eagles even as I grow weary. Help me to be patient with people and with myself. Forgive me for being unfaithful to Your Word and help me to overcome evil with good. "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." (Ephesians 6:12) Renew my mind and refresh my spirit with Your love, in Jesus' name I pray, Amen. 

Modesty Is The Best Policy

Starting about two months ago, I started thinking hard about the way I dress. When I scrolled through my pictures on Facebook, I began to notice skirts that were too short, shirts too low or just outfits that were plain suggestive. I'd like to say that I am this awesome person who never judges other people at first glance, but unfortunately that would be a lie. I judge people all the time. I make efforts to have these judgmental thoughts flee, but they still surface once in a while- whether unconsciously or not. God knows I need His help to overcome this terrible temptation! But when God turned my own judgmental eyes upon my outfits, it was like a light was suddenly switched on. 

I've always hated covering up my body. I like my feet aired out in flipflops even in the wintertime (or better yet, barefoot). I've always feel restricted by clothing and never saw them as a means of protection from lusting eyes or a means to respect my body. 

Not until recently that is......

So I've been ruminating on this virtue called modesty, and began to think of it not just in terms of the way I dress, but also the things I talk and think about. Do I think modest thoughts that are appropriate and fitting and do I act modestly, with discretion? 

When I think about modesty, the word humility also comes to mind. One cannot be modest without being humble. Often when I am fighting the urge to dress inappropriately, I find that the number one reason is often pride in a particular body part. It may not even be an issue of over-exposure. Sometimes, even putting on too much makeup seems (to me at least) a result of excessive pride. 

I know this may not make sense to most people, even some of my fellow Christians, but I want to ask you something: 

Are you causing someone else to stumble because of the way you dress?

The reason why I'm asking you, is because I am asking myself this daily now. 

In Luke 17:1-3, "Jesus said to his disciples: 'Things that cause people to sin are bound to come, but woe to that person through whom they come. It would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around his neck than for him to cause one of these little ones to sin. So watch yourselves.'"

See I've thought about the excuse before that if other people sin because of the way I dress, they just lack self-control and that's their fault. Why should I watch what I wear just because men and women can't control their eyes and thoughts? 

But after reading Luke 17:1-3, I felt the Holy Spirit was saying, "Hey if you really loved people the way I want you to love them, you would be concerned about temptations that came their way- and you would care enough to NOT want to be a stumbling block that causes them to fall!"

Everyday is still a struggle, because I'm so used to dressing the way I've always dressed for the most part of my life. But now that Jesus has set me free by opening my eyes, I will hang onto His Word and follow it to true freedom- that is the freedom to live as a redeemed child of God!

Freely Freely Give

It's so incredible to think about how much God loves us. No matter how much I screw up, He always ALWAYS takes me back. He never throws tantrums and refuses to talk to me when I run back to Him crying for forgiveness. He doesn't stand at a distance, reminding me of all the times that I've disappointed Him.

Instead, He's always ready to take me back. He forgives without even the guarantee that I won't do it again. Not that I want to do it again... That's not being truly repentant.

The Holy Spirit also assures me of His promises when I lie in bed at night and the devil comes at me with all kinds of accusations.

How freely He gives to us!

But how freely do I ever give to others?

Do I forgive people readily, or do I wait until they come crawling to me on their knees, begging for forgiveness? And do I only treat people well when they are nice to me? Do I ignore or put on pause those who ignore and put me on pause?

Heart-check, one, two.

Sometimes it hurts to hear the truth. When the Holy Spirit convicts your heart of something, it feels all sore from shame and guilt. But just as physical soreness after a good workout in the gym is an indication of good results later on, so does spiritual soreness indicate a future result of "getting better" spiritually.

Those who don't feel sore once in a while have simply stopped exercising their heart muscles. After a while their spirits atrophy, much like normal muscles do without regular exercise.

I am grateful for the Lord's discipline and rebuke in times when I need it. Though my heart feels sore, I know that He works through all things to bring me good!

Give Me Your Arms

Have you ever been around someone so cheerful, so loving and welcoming, that it seems as though they'd like to embrace the world? Everybody wants to bask in the sunshine of their smile!

I want to be that person.

Even to the ones who doubt or hate me, I want to always be standing there with open arms. I don't ever want the truly lost or hurt to feel as if I haven't time or energy for them. What unending love that Jesus has put in my heart, I want to overflow out to everyone around me!

But easier said than done...

As I type, several scenarios are coming up in my mind to remind me how far I am from being able to love others so freely.

Whenever I am hurt by people, I try to run and hide from them. Avoidance is key. Although that's slightly less terrible than what I used to d0 (hurt them back), it's still not the way to go.

Still such a long road ahead and I don't think I can do it. But leaning on the strength of God, I know I can!

VBS & Running

For this whole week, I am volunteering my time for Vacation Bible School (VBS) which is happening from 18:00 to 20:30 every night at the church. The kids who come range from preschoolers to eighth graders... I think? And I'm there to help with the first graders (6-7 year olds).

I must say, even though kids aren't the first thing that would naturally pop into my mind when it comes to ministry, I've definitely gotten a lot out of the past two days. Since I knew that kids weren't naturally my thing, I prayed before VBS that God would give me the patience and guidance to deal with whatever situations came my way. And to my utter surprise and amazement, God has given me so much more.

I see so much potential in these children. I see their hearts and minds and what they think and long for. But most importantly, God has given me a heart for the children- especially the ones who are quiet and timid. I love to draw them out in conversation and to see some kind of emotion flicker across their faces for a moment. Now I truly see how rewarding a child's smile can be.

The cool thing is that, the kids aren't the only ones learning things from their time at VBS.

I was feeling very low today, having disappointed God once more. I was so scared that I was starting to backslide and didn't even feel like praying for forgiveness anymore. I thought to myself- "God isn't going to keep forgiving me. He's probably sick of me slipping and falling all the time". I felt worthless and weak. Degraded and stupid.

But when I was sitting among the children listening to the lesson today, the speaker said something that almost brought tears to my eyes.

She said: "Does God love you when you do something wrong? Yes! Does God like it when you keep doing wrong things? No! But remember that no matter what happens, God will always love you."

I prayed in my heart that the little boy sitting next to me who had been silent most of yesterday and today would feel God's love. Yet at the same time, I felt my heart jump at this simple message.

Wow. God loves me no matter what!

I need more and more of this assurance each day. Ever since two weeks ago when I've really been engaged in prayer with C.L.I.M.B., things have not been going too smoothly. While God is answering prayers left and right, Satan is also trying to get in between us.

I know how important it is to keep praying for everyone else, but I also really hope that someone out there is praying for me. I really need it.

With that said, a heatwave is headed our way towards the end of this week, which means I won't get as much running at all. On Monday (it was 33 Celsius out); I felt really really really dizzy by the end of my four-mile run. The drive back was brutal because I felt so weak at times it was hard to turn the wheel. I think that's an indication that running in the predicted 38 Celsius weather this Thursday would not be a good idea.

Till then...