What Is Love

Last night J asked me if I had ever told anyone that I loved him and meant it. I said no, because even though I have said "I love you" to that person in my past, I didn't know what love was when I said it all those years ago. Talk was cheap enough for me to throw it around like dollar bills. 

I saw a look of puzzlement flicker across his face. 

"if you said you love him, even though your definition of love has changed since then, it still counts at the point when you meant it!"

Sigh... 

No. 

Just, no. 

How do you explain what "love" is to somebody who does not know the true love of God? 

I remember what it was like before I experienced Jesus' love. I always felt like there was a hole in my heart. I was always cold, always hungry. Always needing to fill the gaps in my life with temporary joys. Partying, feeling popular, being happy, being sad, shopping, sports, a boyfriend.... You name it. But none of those things could ever fill this ever-hungry heart of mine. 

When I was in that past relationship, my view of love was a very immature and selfish one. My daily relationship "meter" went something like this:

How can this person make me happy? 

How can he fulfil my needs?

Is he good enough for me?

Does he love me as much as I (think I) love him?

Not once did I consider:

What can I do for him?

How can I fulfil his needs?

Am I striving to give him my best?

What can I give of myself for the benefit of this relationship?

It wasn't until I understood what Jesus did for me on the cross, then did I begin to even have a tiny grasp of what true love looked like. 

There I was, a sinner, deserving of death and an eternity in hell. There He was, perfect and holy, creator of heaven and earth. He had every right to ignore me and let me pass into oblivion. But because He loved me so much, He sacrificed his high position in heaven, coming down to earth to be born to a lowly carpenter. He lived a perfect and blameless life, only to bear the full punishment for my sins on the cross. 

All this, before I was even born. Before I had even made the choice to follow Him with all my heart. He gave up everything for me because He wanted just a chance to spend an eternity with me. 

He pursued me like Jacob pursued Rachel, working 14 years under her father just for her hand in marriage. "But they seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her" (Genesis 29:20) 

I am overwhelmed with the thought of someone who died for me almost two thousand years ago... Just to give us a chance to be together... 

I know it all sounds great and stuff, but what does this have to do with my relationships with people?

I'll tell you what. 

The biggest lesson I learnt about love since those years ago when I was last in a romantic relationship- is that LOVE, means denying yourself, sacrificing yourself and ultimately dying, whether physically, emotionally or spiritually, for someone else. Not because that person deserves it, but because you loved him first. 

It is not about having flowers sent to your door, nor having him text you every other hour. It is not about having a million things in common, nor is it about mending his socks or cleaning the house. It is not about yourself, nor is it about being happy. 

So many people want to be in a relationship these days because they think that it will make them "happy". The real reason they feel this way is because deep inside, we all have that gap in our hearts. This gap can only really be filled with God's love, because God's love NEVER runs out. Whereas, a relationship with another imperfect human being can never meet all of our deepest emotional needs. 

I think a healthy way to look at romantic relationships is not how it can make us happy. Rather, relationships are a way for us to experience on our own human terms, what the depths of God's love is like. 

It's difficult to imagine the pain and longing Jesus must have felt on the cross when he died for a people who have yet to know and accept Him. Still, He bled for us anyway and sacrificed His body and spirit willingly. Likewise, when we are in a relationship with somebody, be it a husband, parent, sibling or friend, we will surely encounter on a daily basis, situations when we need to also sacrifice ourselves. And by sacrifice, I mean a full sacrifice. Sometimes you see wives give way to their husbands, but then they turn around and make a face to show their displeasure. I don't consider that a full sacrifice nor is it truly submitting. Self-denial for someone who doesn't deserve it is not only difficult, it is usually impossible. There is a supernatural strength that is necessary in such a task, and it is only attainable through the power of the Holy Spirit. 

And I have to remind myself that this is why, God call us not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers. 

How can I even think of creating a family with someone who has no concept of sacrificial love? Where will this person be in my darkest of days? Who can my children look up to, to learn of what a father's sacrificial love is like? It will be a selfish act on my part, to put my children in such a loveless family...... 

Dear Father in heaven, I thank You for always walking beside me. I thank You for loving me everyday, even when I fail You or forget You. You have never forgotten me, nor have You ever stopped wanting the best for me. Thank You for reminding me today of Your love. I run to You and hide in the shadow of Your wings. In Jesus' name, Amen.

P.S.

I finally tried dropping into the vert bowl yesterday and even though I fell midway, it was a soft fall. I feel nothing but even more encouraged to try once more!

Bear With Me

When people hurt me, whether intentionally or unintentionally, my first instinct is to seek revenge. My second is to escape and eventually forget. Anger, sadness, fear that it may happen again... All these emotions are so real and raw that in the heat of the moment, my eyes are blinded to a stark irony.......

Have I not hurt someone else before? Have I not been selfish, rude, inconsiderate, and unreasonable towards acquaintances, close friends and even family members? (Most of all, God...)

But still they all bear with me with incredible patience. 

Well, maybe not all of them, but some of them.

I had a talk with Annie last Sunday about the friends we leave behind and mending friendships.

I told her that I believe every single one of my friends and family members will let me down at one point in our relationship. But I also hold fast to the value of these "failed" relationships. I will not give up on them, even though it hurts and I have to lay aside all my pride and even my dignity. Isn't that what true friendship or love is about? 

I've learnt over time now that pride is one of the biggest stumbling blocks in a long term relationship (whether a romantic one or in a platonic friendship). 

Because of pride, both parties will not want to forgive each other. Because of pride, no one wants to be the first one to make a move, especially if they feel like they were not in the wrong. No one wants to be the "pursuer" because that role often involves humiliation and rejection.

And it is because of this pride, that we lose friends over the years. It's not because people grow up and become jaded.

But for wounds to mend, someone MUST forgive, make the first move and pursue! Someone must be willing to bear the hurt, humiliation and rejection. Without even a single willing party, there will be no progress in the relationship. 

But, you think, shouldn't both parties be actively involved in wanting this relationship to work? It won't work if only one person wants it but the other doesn't right?

Each time I'm tempted to think that way, I always recall this verse: 

"I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." (Matthew 17:20)

It only takes one person with faith as small as a mustard seed. Just a bit of faith believing that all this pain and effort is worth it to keep the relationship. And behind that faith, must be an absence of pride and the willingness to put one's dignity aside.

Easier said than done.

But someone's gotta do it.