Tiong Bahru & Moving

I was just watching a traditional Chinese funeral procession go past my window. A few old folks came to their windows and took a peep too. These song lyrics came to mind:

Goodbye my friend it's hard to die
When all the birds are singing in the sky
Now that spring is in the air

Where I live now in Tiong Bahru presents an odd mix of people. There are two main groups living in the SIT estate. Either very old folks who still speak in dialect, or young rich expats. There are hardly any locals until you cross over to the newer HDBs along Boon Tiong Road.

Singapore as I knew it, as my father and my grandfather before me knew it no longer exists. The roads we used to know and the buildings now stand only in our memory. In the past, if you'd asked me what I missed about Singapore while overseas, I would have told you that I missed the people, the food and some places where I used to hang out. 

Presently, my loved ones are scattered across the globe. All the places that I used to hang out (which is the whole of Singapore) have changed drastically. The food I used to love in my childhood too, either closed down or had its flavor changed. In short, there are very few things here that I will miss. And I am sure that in five years time, most of those things will disappear too in the usual pattern.

I am sad but I know this world is not my home. My grandparents and great-grandparents did not come to Singapore because they thought they'd get rich here. They fled here to escape religious and/or political persecution from abroad, as refugees. Singapore wasn't even a country in her own right then. And yet the Lord has blessed us with growing material comforts over the generations, culminating in mine.

If they had not made the courageous decision to move, life would be very different for us right now. I probably would not exist.

I am still not entirely sure why God would have us move again to another continent. It seems as though we are drifting further away from our countries of origin. But what does that matter in the end? It is not the starting point, but rather the finishing line that we look to.

"By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. By faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents, as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God...... All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they left, they would have opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country- a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them." (Hebrews 11:8-10, 13-16) 

Destination Arrived

We're finally here and I just can't believe it. 

My hair seems so long all of a sudden and I'm already thinking about where I'm going to run in the mornings. 

I wonder what kind of job/s I'm going to end up working the next few years? The windows aren't the only foggy things right now. My mind's all in a mess too. Mostly because we can't get settled into our apartment immediately. We have to wait for our furniture to arrive by sea shipment first. 

On today's agenda is: 

1. Stay awake 
2. Buy sandals/flipflops
3. Get a cellphone
4. Get converter plugs 

Dear God, this is so weird...

Goodbye

Yesterday was the last full day I spent in my house. All the furniture and stuff got packed up this morning and now I'm typing from a hotel room. I know that this may well be the last time I will ever sleep in that bedroom. I have had so many memories there... It was so weird to see it standing empty after the movers had gotten the bed out and everything. 

Goodbyes are so sad yet so exciting at the same time. I don't see what's around the bend, but because of my hope in Christ, I know it is something better! No matter my circumstances, I know my residence in heaven is waiting for me. 

I wonder what Mr. Jobs was thinking during his last few moments. As a professing Buddhist, was he waiting to experience reincarnation? Or perhaps he already felt that he'd achieved nirvana. If that were the case (and I hope not), how horrible the sights he must've seen after leaving earth!

The despair... The lack of hope. 

And not just for Mr. Jobs, but for all people around the world. What a terrible thing it is to place your hope in something your whole life, only to die and realise that it has only led you to ruin and destruction! 

Praise God for revealing Himself to those He loves, for building our faith, giving us hope beyond death and joy despite all circumstances! 

Joy despite all circumstances eh... 

For some reason, I've been gradually getting more and more irritated all day today. It got to the point when I couldn't even eat dinner with my family anymore and had to go lie down in the car by myself. I examined myself and realised that I've just been getting more and more judgmental (again). I keep analysing everything my family says and does- then I get mad when it doesn't match up with God's Word. Of course it doesn't! They're not Christians and we're certainly not all perfect! But my rotten heart still demands this perfection from others. Why? Am I even perfect myself?

Sigh. 

Coincidence, Not

Last night, temperatures outside dropped below 10 Celsius. As of right now, it is still freezing and almost all my warm clothing is either packed away in the basement already or in Singapore. I guess I didn't anticipate still being here in October and therefore didn't pack accordingly. In fact there are countless things that I did not anticipate- and I always wonder why they've turned out the way they did? 

Obviously, nothing happens by chance since God orders our lives. 

It wasn't by chance that our move got delayed for over a month, that certain people came into my life in the past few weeks, or even that we got flea-attacked recently. 

The question is, why though?

There are some things which God has been gracious to reveal to me the purposes behind His ways. But other things just leave me puzzled yet wondering. Perhaps the answer lies in the next month, year, decade... never? Who knows? 

I am not fretting about not knowing. I am just ruminating on how perfect God's will is. Even in not revealing His ways to me, He shows infinite wisdom. Nothing is hidden from His sight. Yet I can't help but be curious. No matter how I try to guess what God may be up to, the true answer always blows me away. 

In each circumstance, God demonstrates a "multi-faceted" goodness. 

To illustrate better, I'll share an example: 

When I found out that our move would get delayed for about five weeks, I was kind of disappointed. I was ready to get out into the world and September seemed like the perfect time. Yet this is the good that has resulted from the delay... 

Firstly, the five weeks of limbo time has afforded me a rare opportunity to soak in the Word and spend intimate time in prayer with God. Not having anything to do all day really enabled me to focus on Jesus in my thoughts. Most days I really felt like I was thinking about Him all day long. As a result, God's been able to work growth in me and to use me for His various purposes. 

Secondly, a silent prayer/sadness of mine was that if I left in September, I would probably not be able to see fall and enjoy cool weather anymore. Well, God definitely answered that one!

Thirdly, I had the opportunity to meet more Christian friends. Not only have they helped me grow, but I know that God is also using me in their lives- even if it's in a small way. 

Fourthly, the delay gave me more time to think about what I want to do when I go back to SG. Better to think while I'm in the US than in SG- so that my family doesn't think I'm just bumming!

So as you can see, in God's wisdom, this situation reaped goodness in many facets of my life. I am sure that there are a multitude of other reasons, but I do not know them all... yet. All I know is, God is good, ALL THE TIME! Even when things don't make sense, He still works for the good of those who love Him. 

Corruption

I know well my tendency towards pride.

I know that I have a knack for making myself sound or look 10x better than in reality. And I enjoy attention- the more the better! (It's really the reason why I started this blog in 2006...)

To some, my arrogance may come off as confidence. To the more discerning who cannot be fooled, a stench.

One of the hardest things for me to do ever is to humble myself. To not talk someone else down to make myself look/feel better. To admit that I am wrong. To apologise without agenda and to sit quietly in a corner. Those are all things that I have to constantly work on with all my heart, mind and strength. Inside is always a raging battle against malicious gossip, self-righteous denial and selfish agendas.

And to be honest, I'm afraid of that old me resurfacing again when I move back to Singapore. That ol' prideful, arrogant, showoff-ish me.

You know, one of the thoughts that popped into my head when I saw our new house actually went something along the lines of: "I can't wait to show this gorgeous place off."

Really?

Yeah, no. Really. I really did think that.

I can't believe how retarded my thoughts can be sometimes.

Did I BUY this house? No! It's not even mine!

And so what if I live in a nice house? Anyone who saw the numbers in my bank account would never care to rob me. I don't even have a job!

And what do I gain from all this at the end of the day?

NOTHING.

In fact, I have so much more to lose when I give in to selfish thoughts like that. I lose my confidence in approaching Christ because I know my pride grieves Him. My senses become numbed as I start to live in the world again.

The world may care about such things; but now that Christ is in the picture, everything is different!

And things are different now.

I once was lost but now am found. Was blind but now I see!

Maybe when you woke up one morning as a born-again Christian, things haven't changed much. But for me, it has. And not only my lifestyle- but mostly in the deepest darkest thoughts of my heart.

See God doesn't care if I'm a goody-two-shoes in front of other people, "witnessing" to them out of my daily life. What He truly cares about is my heart, because what my heart thinks and feels will eventually overflow into my daily actions and habits.

If my heart were truly right with God, I would not have to struggle with being a better person. Because "being a better person" is not my goal. If my heart were truly right with God, I'd obey Him not because I have to, but because I want to. Whatever hurts God, hurts me. Whatever makes Him cringe, makes me cringe.

So when the Holy Spirit looks into my heart and sees prideful selfish thoughts as these, He grieves- and I grieve right along with Him.

I hate these thoughts of mine. They make my flesh crawl. And the thought of ever going back to that selfish life again makes me feel like vomiting.

Dear Lord Jesus, keep watch over my thoughts and ways. Let me not be like a dog that returns to its vomit or like a pig that goes back to wallowing in the mud. Purify my thoughts and help me to love you with all I've got. Don't let me stumble in any way but help me to always be honest. May my lips never speak lies, exaggerations or misinformation. May they always be filled with thanksgiving, truth and pleasant words! In Jesus' Name I pray, Amen.

Uncertainty About Singapore

The countdown's getting closer with each day... All of a sudden the past seven years seem so unreal, like they never happened at all. How different things were back then.

Sometimes I sit in my bedroom and remember how I felt looking out the window back when I was fourteen. I was bored, angry and always felt empty. When I remember that feeling, my heart cringes. How did I ever get through those days without any love, without any light in my life? I cannot imagine life without Christ now that I've tasted what true joy feels like.

I'm on the verge of returning to Singapore- which would have made me extremely happy even five years ago. But now it is with a trembling, scared feeling that I will fly back. Although Singapore will always be my childhood home, the U.S. has also become a home to me too. Again I will have to leave behind friends and family that I've grown really close to in the past years. Again I will have to say goodbye to the little blessings that God's given me; like my cat, my car and even random things like nice wooded trails to run on nearby.

I don't think my friends and family in Singapore quite understand...... I am going back a brand new being. I am not the same Mindy that I was even last summer. I am afraid of how they may react to my passion for Christ. I am scared that I won't be able to find fellow Christians who are willing to be broken for Christ. And not to mention the darkest cloud which looms in the distance- having to look for (and decide upon) a job.

In a sense, I feel as if I were an alien moving to another planet. I dread that same old bored, angry and empty feeling that comes from being alone in my thoughts.

Why oh why do I forget that the Lord is always with me?

On Saturday Steph passed me a beautiful picture of the burning bush in Exodus which she had painted that day and wrote "I will be with you" on it. When I saw the painting, I realised that God had already seen the worries welling up in my heart like Moses had back then.

Moses was married, he had a job (shepherding) and was probably satisfied with his calm life in Midian with his new family. However God chose to jolt him out of his comfort zone at just the right time to return to Egypt- the place of his childhood home. Moses was afraid... just like I am. But God said "I will be with you".

Dear Lord, I have no idea what the future holds. When doubts come to haunt me, I pray that You will wipe them away with Your hands. Heavenly Father, even though I may go to the ends of the earth, whether it be Washington State, Cape Cod or Singapore, You are always there with me, whispering in my ears, comforting my heart. Although my friends and family are but fleeting shadows in my life, You will never leave my side. You give me strength and courage to face whatever comes my way. You shine light unto my paths so I know where to tread. Dear God, I give you all the uncertainties and bad feelings about moving back to Singapore and ask that You will fill me with Your amazing peace. Grant me a safe journey home and continue to fulfill my every need as You have been doing. God You are just so wonderful...... You are the best thing, the only thing in my life that holds any value whatsoever. Help me to focus on You all the days of my life. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.