Wednesday, August 02, 2017

The Deepest Void

Today was an unproductive day. I did a lot, but accomplished so little. It did not feel good- that unpleasant, almost-there, half-past-six feeling. Yet I let it build up until I did something I shouldn't have done. Out of frustration, out of emptiness, out of hurt, out of discontent.

I should have run to Him, but I felt so unmotivated. Unloved, almost, I think... Then I heard the Great Counsellor ask me:

"Why do you feel unloved?"

I looked within and realized that I had been feeling upset recently because of the way certain people perceived me. I felt misunderstood and disliked. I wanted to explain myself to them, to explain away the feelings of insecurity and hurt, but I couldn't. I was seeking approval from men and not God. I kept seeking and seeking, not realizing that I was drifting from His loving gaze.

I distracted myself with fun things, but the pain remained. I tried to fill the void with food, intellectual stimulation, friendships and even my marriage and kids, but they did nothing but tire me out.

"Why do these people exist? The ones who keep misunderstanding me? The haters who keep hating despite not really knowing?"

The moment I asked that question, I heard His gentle whisper again...

"If not for these people existing in your life, would you come back to me?"

Yes. Without these so-called "haters" constantly appearing and reappearing in my life, I might have been stuck with shallow satisfaction gained from human relationships. I would have been deceived into thinking that men's approval is attainable and enough. But of course, that isn't true. The truth is, I am in desperate need of Jesus. He is the only one who can fill the void in me. He is the only one whose opinion really matters at the end of the day. Not even my own opinion has any place in this world.

Dear Jesus, help me to come back to You each time, and quickly. Let me not stray from your rod and staff because I need Your comfort. You are the only true source of peace and contentment in this world. Help me to seek You and find satisfaction in You alone.

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