Monday, February 23, 2009

Late Afternoon Thoughts

Second post in a few hours!

I've been feeling troubled recently, just stuck in something that I can't seem to get out of. It's almost as if my whole being has been suffering an attack of arrows and missiles. Always just as His peace comes to me and I feel a clear blue sky in my thoughts, I forget to rest on his arms. I forget to pray, I forget his gentle words and his firm warnings. And always, my forgetfulness brings grief.

Without fail, my weakness always makes me falter. Then that overwhelming sensation of unworthiness and self-loathing comes. The doubts overwhelm me and I sit in terror of uncertainty and miscomprehension. I feel far away from His presence and chilled in my loneliness.

I would have never felt this separation so strongly if I had never been soaked in His Love, in his strength and uplifting hope.

And now I stand at a crossroads once again, begging for strength and a new pair of legs.

It is truly a harsh world to live in with Christian beliefs. Almost all the time I feel so alone. No wonder it is so important for Christians to be in constant attendance at a true church of Christ. One that is deeply rooted in the Word and blessed by the Holy Spirit. Going to church is like going to a clean river and taking a bath in fresh water... The stresses, angers, despairs and hopelessness of the week just strips itself away and all you have left is Faith, Hope and Love. And the greatest of these three, is Love.

I've made it a point to memorise this because I think it is the key to everything in life.

Love is Patient
Love is Kind
It does not envy
It does not boast
It is not proud
It is not self-seeking
It is not easily angered
It keeps no records of wrongs
Love does not delight in evil
But rejoices with the truth
It always protects
Always trusts
Always hopes
Always perseveres...
Love never fails.

In any situation that I need direction on, this verse has always managed to put things in great perspective for me. I love that love never fails. It is a perfect solution to every problem in the world.

Yes. There. I made a colossal absolute statement.

I've also come to realise that even though Jesus dined with taxcollectors and did not shy away from talking to prostitutes, he did not share in their behaviour. There was no participation on his part. Rather, he let his presence influence their lives. He was like a lamp in their darkness.

On the contrary, I've been letting darkness slowly seep into my life. Yet this time the struggle seems to be so much more tremendous than anything I've ever felt in my entire life.

But an ultimatum is an ultimatum.

Like I told Tanya, you have to do what you have to do. Ignoring problems will only result in greater pain in the future. If you let a snake live with you in your house, you should not be surprised if it attacks you in the future. It is after all, a snake. It's just what snakes do.

And no matter what, I can never be at true peace until I give up everything that cannot be with the One who is inside me.

I once read somewhere, that it is more logical to live your life as if there were a God then to find out there was none, than to live your life as if there were no God then to find out that he exists in all his wonderful terrible power.

Needless to say, I am always a work in progress. I know I don't always come across as a Christian to outsiders and I think that's a horrible thing, especially since it's become the biggest part of me. With His help, I am working on it.

Accepting great things from a great God!

No comments: