Confession

I've been reading this book Talia gave me for Christmas- Passion And Purity by Elizabeth Elliot. The first time I'd ever heard of Ms. Elliot is in the movie End of The Spear. She was the late missionary, Jim Elliot's wife. Even in that movie, I marvelled at how courageous she was in continuing her husband's mission work even though he was killed by the very people he came to share the gospel with. 

In her book, Ms. Elliot writes about her experience as a young college girl. The Christian love life is definitely not a boring one. It is a life filled with commitment, waiting, trust- and lots of ups and downs. 

I guess in the past few months, I've been gradually losing faith in some parts of my life. I won't elaborate on what those parts are- and they're not necessarily about finding love or a job. 

And I'm gonna be completely honest here: many nights these days, I don't even read my Bible anymore. I used to read it every night, along with a devotion. I really really miss those nights where it was like God's Word just poured out like sweet water, watering my spirit. I don't know what combination of factors led to this dried up feeling, but I find my heart wandering again. 

Ms. Elliot mentioned one thing in her book which stood out to me though. She said people like to either live in the past or the future, then they end up missing the present. 

Ever since I moved back to Singapore, I've been lamenting the loss of edifying Christian fellowship in my life. I've been missing ICN and nights at CLIMB because compared to "over there", Christian fellowship "over here" is so draining and not really encouraging at all. I feel disjointed and cut off. I could ramble on and on about how imperfect things are now, but I hear a gentle voice telling me not to keep dwelling in the past. So what if things were better back then? So what if there was a Christian radio station back in the States but none here? 

What matters is that God is here. He's been here the whole time. He never changed His position relative to me. He's always been my Saviour, friend, father, counsellor... In my darkest of days to my most joyous occasions, He's really always been the only one who truly cared and who truly knew what was going on i my deepest thoughts. 

He knows my heart. 

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by my emotions and my wandering tendencies. 

It's like I'm driving a high-speed motor vehicle on an icy expressway and when the corners come up, I start careening and swerving like mad. I try to straighten the wheel but the car sways and I wonder what I'm doing wrong?

It's so easy to say that we should let Jesus take the wheel, but what does that really mean anyway? 

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