Update On Spiritual Life

Being a mommy is no easy job. In between laundry, diaper changes, breastfeeding or just plain trying to feed myself, I find myself exhausted and in no mood for anything but perhaps some Ellen Degeneres videos. That lady can really make me laugh!

All this exhaustion is not merely physical, it's mental and emotional too. Today, Lizzie asked me if I ever felt inadequate as a mom. Like if I ever felt like I could have done better or done more. I told her that I don't feel that way because if I felt like I could do something better, I would just do it that better way the next time. But honestly, most days, I feel like I could have been a much better wife. 

I know that Jerry is trying his best to be a dad and a husband despite his busy schedule. Yet on most days, I find myself wondering, "why isn't he doing more?" or "why isn't he taking more initiative to help me?"

That kind of attitude usually leads to a general feeling of dissatisfaction. It's very easy to find fault with everything he does. 

Then when an argument comes about, it's that much harder for me to be gracious and patient.

When I am being a difficult wife, this thought would often enter my mind: would you want Brendan to be as bad tempered as you when he gets older? Would you like him to show others the same amount of grace that you are showing your husband now?

Obviously, the answer is always NO. 

Still I find myself falling short again and again and again.

Currently, I am facing another crisis in trying to resolve a conflict. It's like my heart has suddenly become so stubborn and stone-cold. I never could have imagined that anybody could make me feel this angry in my life! 

Again and again, I know God is calling out to me to forgive as He forgave me. Still, it is taking me time to get over it. Whoever said marriage is a crucible for the spirit is not joking at all. Man oh man! My limits have been stretched beyond stretching. God certainly will give us more than we can handle... I know He wants me to give this situation to Him because the burden is too heavy for me to carry. And yet, here I am, still adamantly holding on my load.

Lord help me.