Don't Give Up

Okay ever since my last post a day ago, I've been getting all these messages from God. They all say the same thing: DON'T GIVE UP!

It's so easy to talk about doing the right thing, but when it actually comes down to it, it just feels impossible. Either that, or I just don't have enough faith. Guess it's the same thing. 

But I feel very much comforted that God hasn't given up on me. Knowing that He still cares makes me want to carry on. 

It's almost as if I'm back to Day One of my newfound relationship with God again. Even the "baby steps" seem so giant. It requires much effort. 

But one thing is for sure- I can't give up. Not now, when I've come so far. 

I've tasted and I've seen.

Come once again to me.

I will draw near to you.

I will draw near to you.

Better is one day in Your courts,

Better is one day in Your house,

Better is one day in Your courts,

Than thousands elsewhere.

Two nights ago, I was listening to this song while riding on the bus. I was thinking about many things as I looked out the window- wondering why I feel the way I do... All of a sudden, the chorus sort of stood out in my head and caught my attention. The crazy part is, when he sang "Better is one day in your COURTS" the second time, I actually saw the word "COURTS" plastered in large letters on a building right outside the window! It was literally right in front of my face. 

It was then I just felt like crying. 

I knew that God was reminding me of how good it is to be in His presence. There is nothing in this world that I've ever enjoyed that even comes close to being in God's presence. The joy and peace that I've experienced in the Lord is far beyond any sort of fleeting happiness that comes with wealth, health, or stuff people usually chase. Stuff that I used to chase. 

How could I even think about giving that up? 

I told you, sometimes I'm like a deranged person. Only a madman would contemplate ever giving up on God. 

I'm not out of this spiritual valley yet, but I know that God is with me. Even when my heart wanders like this, He is still gently guiding me. He is still patiently waiting. I just pray that He gives me a willing Spirit and a soft heart to yield to Him in total obedience. The worst thing that can happen right now is that my heart hardens to His voice. 

Godwinks

I just finished reading the book When God Winks On New Beginnings- Signposts of Encouragement For Fresh Starts And Second Chances by Squire Rushnell. It was actually a really fast read for a valid reason: I am currently SO involved with this subject of "new beginnings". 

For almost a year now, the building anticipation of graduation and a move to Singapore has been causing my heart to swing from anxiety to excitement. Even now, I sit with the weighty expectation of a job search on my lap. 

I love the fresh new smell of an unused notebook. 

To my mixed fear and delight, a beautiful new book has just been gifted me by God but I am just stumped as to what kind of story I want to fill its pages with.

In When God Winks On New Beginnings, Squire Rushnell mentions Alice asking the Cheshire Cat for directions. Unfortunately, she does not have a destination in mind- to which the Cheshire Cat points out: "Then it doesn't matter much which way you go."

I suppose that's me right now.  

I sat in bed last night trying to trace some lines around the things I'm passionate about and the dreams i've always held in my heart and came to one conclusion: I need to narrow them down. 

Is it a good or bad thing to have a thousand and one dreams? 

Perhaps it's merely a clue as to my lack of passion in any one particular thing, but I've come to some general ideas about the things I truly enjoy just for the sake of doing them. 

1. I like to be in the great outdoors.
2. I like to work in interaction with people & animals.
3. I like to feel as though the work I do is socially rewarding.

I guess that narrows it down a bit, doesn't it? 

Now I just have to step out in faith and wait patiently for those green light moments, those "Godwinks" when I know God is nodding His head in approval and smiling upon the work of my hands.