It's Saturday night and I am squatting here in the hallway because it's the only place in the house with Internet access right now. To be honest, this no-Internet-in-my-room thing is kind of working out well because that means I won't stay up late to watch Korean dramas in bed. However, that also means one less way of unwinding at the end of a busy day. Among bubble tea and other little comforts, korean dramas, spicy Calbee chips and a carton of Vitasoy are definitely at the top of my "unwinding list". 

Last night, I had zero fun at Avalon. The whole entire time I was there, I felt really disgusted with everything but still had to put on a smiling face. Yes, it was for work and stuff. But by the end of the night, I was starting to question if it was really worth it at all. The meeting went well and I accomplished all that I was supposed to, however I went home feeling very dirty and grossed out. Though I didn't drink (I had one polite shot at the end of the night), I felt like I reeked of alcohol. And I just felt so depressed looking at everyone else acting happy but feeling empty. And I know how they feel because I was once a part of this world...... 

Sigh...

I guess this is the reason why I didn't really want to do anything with the entertainment/media/marketing industry in the first place. 

But Talia made a good point today- you can't avoid it. It's in accounting, finance, etc. In every industry, much networking actually takes place in bars or clubs after work. 

But my question is: Is that necessary?

What about networking over healthy activities like sports or having dinner together? 

I don't know. 

I am just glad that God gave me the clarity of mind and self-control last night to not be rude or idiotic, because I definitely had many opportunities to act that way. 

But for now I feel spiritually drained. Like pit bottom, hollow, empty, tired. 

I need rest. And prayer... 

God help me to live a life worthy of You. Give me the strength to finish the race. Help me not to look back after putting my hand on the plow, but to turn my eyes on You, Jesus, at all times. I will trust in Your Word and listen to Your commands. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

The Good Life

Okay, before my workday really gets kickstarted, I'm just gonna make a little blogpost, if not I may never get one out for days again!

Yesterday, I finally emailed the Christian bookstore downstairs to ask about a possible prayer meeting. To my excitement and delight, they said they were definitely open to letting Christians in this office building meet in their conference room during lunch hours! I am going to talk to the lady who emailed me in person later. I CAN'T WAIT to meet the other Christians in this building and start praying for the Holy Spirit to come bless this place and the people here! 

So that's one thing I'm really really looking forward to. 

Yesterday evening, I met up with Amanda at Bugis Street for some late-night shopping/reminiscing. It was kind of cool to hang out together like this after so many years again. The last time we browsed at Bugis together was when we were still in our school uniforms, wringing our hands about how we were going to buy stupid things with the last remainder of our pocket money. 

Amanda is such an awesome person/friend! I really admire her strength and passion for God despite her struggles. It only goes to show one thing- when a person is humbled by life circumstances, it actually becomes easier to praise God and to see His Glory, not the other way round. For those whose lives are actually going so well that they have very little struggles whatsoever, it really is harder to see God's provision and power. 

I guess that's why, even though life is going well for me, I am actually kind of scared. I don't want to fall into the easy trap of "comfort" and "luxury". I'm afraid that my heart will begin loving the world again and grow cold for Christ. I also suppose this is the reason for fasting, and the reason why there is suffering in a Christian's life. These things are actually for our benefit because suffering makes it so much easier to lean on God. 

I'll try to blog more tomorrow. 

Tata!

New Post

Hello! 

Has it really been that long since my last post? For some reason, it doesn't feel like that much time has gone by. Yet so many things have happened since then. 

First things first, I got an internship! 

It's been going well and I've been enjoying it so far. Most importantly, I am just so grateful that God has given me an opportunity to do SOMETHING now besides eating and sleeping! The best part is, two floors below my office, there's a Christian bookstore that I can go to during my lunchtime. I checked it out this morning and bought a CD already. 

I have no idea where this is going, but I trust that the Lord will direct my steps. As long as I lean on His understanding and not mine, He will make my path straight!

As for other areas of life- I had a big fight with my mom last week but we are doing very well now. I am trying my best to communicate with her as much as I can and she is doing the same as well. There is no more friction left hanging in the air even though we are both very busy and only see each other maybe fifteen minutes each day. 

Also, I've been facing tremendous temptation since two weeks ago. All of a sudden, I felt like a lot of things were thrown in my face. I was feeling a bit overwhelmed and scared that I would fall to it, but I was greatly encouraged on Sunday by Mrs. Hane (house Bible study's host's wife...). I know a lot of temptation may come my way to try to snatch me out of God's hands, but He is not going to test me beyond what I can handle. And most importantly, He will be right there with me when I am being tested. 

This coming Friday, I have to go to a fancy club for work. Of all places! It's going to be a networking sort of thing and I am hoping that it will turn out well. However, I'm also getting the feeling that I am about to walk into the lions' den. I don't know what's ahead of me, but I can only pray that our Lord Jesus Christ will go on ahead and clear the way. 

Life is really really picking up. 

It's so weird. One moment, I'm lying in bed all day. The next, I hardly have time to breathe. 

But I have peace from the Prince of Peace :)

Ramble

Hello!

Things are getting better. 

Every afternoon now, there are thunderstorms in Singapore. The lightning and thunder show that ensues right outside my window is nothing short of spectacular. It really makes me think about how being on the right side of the glass window can change so many things. Even if you paid me a million dollars, I don't think I would want to risk standing outside during such an electric storm...

With regards to my job search, little progress has been made. That's all I have to say about it I guess. 

And I've been thinking- since I've got all this time on my hands, why not go exploring in Singapore while I still can? There are so many places that I have not been to in years, and all these new MRT stations that I've not yet seen. Who says Singapore is boring? Unless one has been to every single kopitiam in all the island, one should not make such wild claims.

Anyways... 

Don't Give Up

Okay ever since my last post a day ago, I've been getting all these messages from God. They all say the same thing: DON'T GIVE UP!

It's so easy to talk about doing the right thing, but when it actually comes down to it, it just feels impossible. Either that, or I just don't have enough faith. Guess it's the same thing. 

But I feel very much comforted that God hasn't given up on me. Knowing that He still cares makes me want to carry on. 

It's almost as if I'm back to Day One of my newfound relationship with God again. Even the "baby steps" seem so giant. It requires much effort. 

But one thing is for sure- I can't give up. Not now, when I've come so far. 

I've tasted and I've seen.

Come once again to me.

I will draw near to you.

I will draw near to you.

Better is one day in Your courts,

Better is one day in Your house,

Better is one day in Your courts,

Than thousands elsewhere.

Two nights ago, I was listening to this song while riding on the bus. I was thinking about many things as I looked out the window- wondering why I feel the way I do... All of a sudden, the chorus sort of stood out in my head and caught my attention. The crazy part is, when he sang "Better is one day in your COURTS" the second time, I actually saw the word "COURTS" plastered in large letters on a building right outside the window! It was literally right in front of my face. 

It was then I just felt like crying. 

I knew that God was reminding me of how good it is to be in His presence. There is nothing in this world that I've ever enjoyed that even comes close to being in God's presence. The joy and peace that I've experienced in the Lord is far beyond any sort of fleeting happiness that comes with wealth, health, or stuff people usually chase. Stuff that I used to chase. 

How could I even think about giving that up? 

I told you, sometimes I'm like a deranged person. Only a madman would contemplate ever giving up on God. 

I'm not out of this spiritual valley yet, but I know that God is with me. Even when my heart wanders like this, He is still gently guiding me. He is still patiently waiting. I just pray that He gives me a willing Spirit and a soft heart to yield to Him in total obedience. The worst thing that can happen right now is that my heart hardens to His voice. 

Getting To My Wits End

It's been a week eh? Since I've written here... The reason for that is not that I've been overly busy; nor was it because I had nothing to say. In fact, I don't even really know why I haven't blogged in a while. On several occasions, I actually wanted to. I just didn't do it. 

Honestly, this past week has been kind of frustrating. I feel stuck in some sort of strange mood. I know I'm supposed to be looking for jobs but I've lost all motivation. I know I'm supposed to be waiting on God, but I've lost all patience. And I also know that I'm supposed to be loving and kind to those who hate me, but I'm coming to the end of my rope. I've fasted twice already and keep having these on/off moments with God. Now that I've been off for a while, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm pretty close to giving up.

I guess for some of you reading this blog, this may come as a surprise. When I post statuses like: "I don't have it altogether all the time", do you not realise that I really mean what I say? I am as imperfect as an imperfect human being gets. In fact, you may call me "depraved" and "retarded" at most times. Yes, I have Christ living in me. But sometimes I feel sorry that He has to live in such a crazy place. 

I know all the right things I should be thinking, saying or doing. But why aren't I? I try so hard. I really do. I read the Bible. I pray. But I keep falling short. And right now I just don't feel like trying anymore. I don't feel like asking God or anybody anymore. I just don't feel like doing anything. And what I'm left with is this overwhelming sense of confusion. Why doesn't God just give up on me? I really seem like a hopeless case... 

Last night I just felt so exhausted from myself- my lack of patience and faith. At the point of falling asleep, I really wasn't sure if God would still love me in the morning. 

I spent all this morning avoiding Him. 

I guess I'm afraid of what He has to say. 

Maybe something along the lines of, "you're such a failure," or "you were never Mine in the first place," or "I'm leaving you for good". 

Stupid right? Would my Loving Jesus, full of Compassion and Grace ever say these things to me? 

But still, I feel it in my heart. My doubts and fears keep welling up and I'm getting weary from running these things over and over through my head. Like I said, I don't feel like trying anymore. I'm pretty close to my end. I feel guilty for saying this, but it's the truth. It's just how I feel- like I'm being bounced around in a four-walled padded cell, going nowhere. 

Then just a few moments ago, I read about a demon-possessed man whom four very godly disciples of Jesus were somehow not able to help. They prayed fervently until four in the morning. They tried everything they knew, but still the demons refused to leave.

"Suddenly, while we were all sitting down in defeat, the Spirit of God came upon us and the demon-possessed man started shaking uncontrollably. We jumped to our feet and laid hands on the man. Immediately the demons left him. We learned a lesson that morning. When we arrive at the end of our own strength it is not defeat, but the start of tapping into God's boundless resources. It is when we are weak that we are strong in God." -The Heavenly Man

It is really true, that God speaks to us everyday. It's just a matter of whether we are listening or not. Even as I wasn't exactly listening hard this morning, these few sentences really stood out to me. 

I don't know if I'm at the end of my rope yet. But at least now I don't feel so guilty about feeling hopeless and defeated. 

Don't Speak Defeat To Me!

Have you ever felt haunted by your past? Sometimes, it's as if you just couldn't escape from the memories or accusations that seem to surface when you least expect it. At least that's how I feel. I realise that even though I have changed inside, many people will not recognise that change. Instead, they will forever remain stuck in their old stereotype of you. There are some people who will never forgive me for what I have done or said to them. And there are others still who will hate me even more for becoming Christian- thinking that it's hypocritical for me to do so. 

No matter what I do or say, my actions and words will always be tainted by their soiled perception. Even if you are nice to them, your "niceness" will only be shrouded by their theory that you have ulterior motives. (I'm not talking about us, Talia... Haha) 

I would like to say that I've accepted this fact, but that would be a lie. 

I am bothered when I find out that my intentions have been misunderstood from the beginning. I am sad when I realise that I can never gain these people's trust. And I get all the more angry when people have all these misconceptions about you, but they don't even know the full story. 

Yet what can I do? What can I say? 

Nothing at all... 

This is why we should always remember that it is JESUS who is our righteousness. It is not our works or our words that make us righteous. Neither are the thoughts of others that justify us. Rather, it is Jesus taking on our sin that justifies us in the EYES OF THE LORD. The reason why I capitalised that is because those are the only eyes that ultimately matter right? 

See it doesn't matter what men think about me or you. Those people will meet their end someday and we'll all have to answer to God. At that point, don't you think the only opinion that matters will be God's? So as long as I am justified as a righteous person in God's eyes, that's all that's needed. Everything else can only serve to bring me down.

And just how would I know that I am justified in God's eyes? You may ask.

Because He told me so? Sure! He tells us in His Word that "Therefore being justified by faith. We have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ." (Romans 5:1)

There's more to be said on this subject, but I doubt anyone would want to read a ten page essay on faith and justification right now. But if you are really curious, why not ask God Himself? Why not actually read what He says on the subject?

:) 

Dear God, help me to see things from Your perspective. Put those whispering lies and accusations behind me. Silence any slanderous tongues that wag against me. I am a justified child of God, washed by the blood of Jesus Christ. In your eyes, I am pure and lovely. I pray that my words and actions may reflect the love of the Holy Spirit that dwells in my heart. Please help me to not resent or hate those who hate me. But rather, help me to love them unconditionally as You love them too. I pray for those who cannot find it in their hearts to look past my failures. Father in Heaven, will you help them to grow beyond this point, so as to overflow with Love instead of judgement? Give them gracious hearts and minds and sear their hearts with an iron. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Old-Fashioned Shopping

Today, I went shopping at Bugis for some clothes to wear in the coming days that I'll be volunteering at my old primary school. Needless to say, I was looking for modest, unrevealing clothes. My quest took me upstairs, downstairs and everywhere for a good three hours- and during this time, I noticed something rather alarming.

First of all, I am elated that long dresses and skirts are actually not fashion faux pas these days. However, when I mentioned to a few shopkeepers that I was looking for skirts that covered my bottom and tops that weren't too revealing, I was promptly told that I was a bit "old-fashioned" and "too modest for my age".

???!?

Am I missing something here?

Most ironically, the shopkeepers who made these comments were actually older aunties in their 40s to 60s. In all my life, I have never had older women suggest that I uncover more of myself to look attractive. In fact, they usually advocate quite the opposite. 

I don't know if they were simply trying to make a sale, or they were actually being serious. But since more than one lady told me this, I am compelled to think that they were indeed being serious. At one shop, as I slipped a dress over my head to try it on, it was clear that the front was absolutely too low-cut. When I pointed it out, the shopkeeper aunty then screwed up her nose and said, "你太保守了“. I was shocked when she said that because the dress would obviously leave my bra exposed by a lot. How on earth would wearing that be anything short of scandalous?

Anyhow, at the risk of being a stick-in-the-mud, I still refuse to hang myself out like a piece of meat to be ogled at in the streets. Let the other girls attract all that attention if they really enjoy it. I don't. You never know who's a pervert and who's not in public. You don't know what's going through those men's heads on the MRT or at the bus-stop. There are lots of sick sick sick people out there and exposing anything unnecessarily can only be detrimental to your safety. 

And you know what else? Just the feeling of a stranger's eyes digging into your uncovered flesh is akin to being subjected to rape. In his mind, you are a sexual object. You are no longer a person with any shred of dignity left in his eyes. Just an object of lust. Doesn't that make you feel violated in any way? Why would you aid total strangers in those kinds of sick perverted thoughts? 

Sigh... 

I'm not saying that all women should wear burkas and only expose their eyes... 

But ultimately, who are you dressing to please?

I am still asking myself this question daily... I still feel as though I have a long way to go. Right now it feels as though I'm learning a whole new language- a new language of clothes. Holy Spirit, please help me in this confusing yet freeing endeavor!