And Then I Let Go

So I finally let go of the thing/person that I've been holding on to stubbornly this whole time. It hurts a whole lot, but God gave me the grace and the strength to go through with it. I can honestly say that even through the pain, it feels good to do what God wants me to do. This was the first time I have been able to be "selfless" in a "romantic" sort of relationship. 

I don't know what the future holds, but God gave me many reassurances this afternoon. 

First, a verse from Haggai 2:19: 

"...From this day on I will bless you."

This verse struck me as I was reading the Bible before going to see him. I wrote it down in my book immediately and wrote today's date down. 

Secondly, as I was sitting dejectedly at the bus stop after our talk, a truck pulled up in front of me with two big words written on the side: 

"DELIVERING PROMISES"

That instantly reminded me of Dorie's vision which I'd almost forgotten about two years ago.

Lastly, Annie told me of a vision (that she's not entirely sure of) that she just received. She said she saw me "together with somebody that [she knows]". If this vision becomes reality, it will also be a confirmation to her that she does indeed have the gift of seeing visions.

Why am I writing all this down?

Because I know I will forget someday. I will live life like a rollercoaster and come to a scary drop someday, not believing that God is there to break my fall. This post is my Ebenezer stone, or rather, a reminder of God's faithfulness throughout my life.

I praise God today for all He has helped me to do! I did not know that I would even have the strength to stand, but I stood. I was not tested beyond what I could bear, even though it felt like it. He is faithful to do what He says He will! Amen!


Surely,

"I can do all things through Him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13)

What Is Love

Last night J asked me if I had ever told anyone that I loved him and meant it. I said no, because even though I have said "I love you" to that person in my past, I didn't know what love was when I said it all those years ago. Talk was cheap enough for me to throw it around like dollar bills. 

I saw a look of puzzlement flicker across his face. 

"if you said you love him, even though your definition of love has changed since then, it still counts at the point when you meant it!"

Sigh... 

No. 

Just, no. 

How do you explain what "love" is to somebody who does not know the true love of God? 

I remember what it was like before I experienced Jesus' love. I always felt like there was a hole in my heart. I was always cold, always hungry. Always needing to fill the gaps in my life with temporary joys. Partying, feeling popular, being happy, being sad, shopping, sports, a boyfriend.... You name it. But none of those things could ever fill this ever-hungry heart of mine. 

When I was in that past relationship, my view of love was a very immature and selfish one. My daily relationship "meter" went something like this:

How can this person make me happy? 

How can he fulfil my needs?

Is he good enough for me?

Does he love me as much as I (think I) love him?

Not once did I consider:

What can I do for him?

How can I fulfil his needs?

Am I striving to give him my best?

What can I give of myself for the benefit of this relationship?

It wasn't until I understood what Jesus did for me on the cross, then did I begin to even have a tiny grasp of what true love looked like. 

There I was, a sinner, deserving of death and an eternity in hell. There He was, perfect and holy, creator of heaven and earth. He had every right to ignore me and let me pass into oblivion. But because He loved me so much, He sacrificed his high position in heaven, coming down to earth to be born to a lowly carpenter. He lived a perfect and blameless life, only to bear the full punishment for my sins on the cross. 

All this, before I was even born. Before I had even made the choice to follow Him with all my heart. He gave up everything for me because He wanted just a chance to spend an eternity with me. 

He pursued me like Jacob pursued Rachel, working 14 years under her father just for her hand in marriage. "But they seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her" (Genesis 29:20) 

I am overwhelmed with the thought of someone who died for me almost two thousand years ago... Just to give us a chance to be together... 

I know it all sounds great and stuff, but what does this have to do with my relationships with people?

I'll tell you what. 

The biggest lesson I learnt about love since those years ago when I was last in a romantic relationship- is that LOVE, means denying yourself, sacrificing yourself and ultimately dying, whether physically, emotionally or spiritually, for someone else. Not because that person deserves it, but because you loved him first. 

It is not about having flowers sent to your door, nor having him text you every other hour. It is not about having a million things in common, nor is it about mending his socks or cleaning the house. It is not about yourself, nor is it about being happy. 

So many people want to be in a relationship these days because they think that it will make them "happy". The real reason they feel this way is because deep inside, we all have that gap in our hearts. This gap can only really be filled with God's love, because God's love NEVER runs out. Whereas, a relationship with another imperfect human being can never meet all of our deepest emotional needs. 

I think a healthy way to look at romantic relationships is not how it can make us happy. Rather, relationships are a way for us to experience on our own human terms, what the depths of God's love is like. 

It's difficult to imagine the pain and longing Jesus must have felt on the cross when he died for a people who have yet to know and accept Him. Still, He bled for us anyway and sacrificed His body and spirit willingly. Likewise, when we are in a relationship with somebody, be it a husband, parent, sibling or friend, we will surely encounter on a daily basis, situations when we need to also sacrifice ourselves. And by sacrifice, I mean a full sacrifice. Sometimes you see wives give way to their husbands, but then they turn around and make a face to show their displeasure. I don't consider that a full sacrifice nor is it truly submitting. Self-denial for someone who doesn't deserve it is not only difficult, it is usually impossible. There is a supernatural strength that is necessary in such a task, and it is only attainable through the power of the Holy Spirit. 

And I have to remind myself that this is why, God call us not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers. 

How can I even think of creating a family with someone who has no concept of sacrificial love? Where will this person be in my darkest of days? Who can my children look up to, to learn of what a father's sacrificial love is like? It will be a selfish act on my part, to put my children in such a loveless family...... 

Dear Father in heaven, I thank You for always walking beside me. I thank You for loving me everyday, even when I fail You or forget You. You have never forgotten me, nor have You ever stopped wanting the best for me. Thank You for reminding me today of Your love. I run to You and hide in the shadow of Your wings. In Jesus' name, Amen.

P.S.

I finally tried dropping into the vert bowl yesterday and even though I fell midway, it was a soft fall. I feel nothing but even more encouraged to try once more!

Daily Struggle With Temptation

When Jesus was tempted for forty days in the wilderness, he said this:

"It is written: 'Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God" (Matthew 4:4)

And in the Lord's prayer, we ask God to "give us this day our daily bread".


These days, I'm feeling more and more like Elijah, who hid from Jezebel in a ravine. Because of the drought and famine, he had to be fed by ravens sent by God daily. Imagine having to wait for your food to appear out from the sky, brought to you by mere birds! Hungry, alone and cold. Elijah probably had to struggle on a day to day basis with trusting God.

This morning, Ann wrote me a message regarding my current spiritual battle. One thing she said really resounded with me. She said that "this is more a question about your trust in Him to meet your needs than just about this..."

Why is it so difficult to let go even though I know that there are a pair of Almighty arms to catch me and lift me up?

I liken it to skating at the skate park. It's like, I know that my body reflexes can handle the drop. I know that I have safety guards and everything on. There's nothing that could go wrong unless I chicken out during the drop. But still, I feel my heart pounding hard with fear each time I approach the edge of the 15 feet high bowl.

Dear Lord Jesus, I know that Your plans for me are to prosper me and not to harm me. Plans to give me a hope and a future. Help me to embrace Your plans wholly. Help me to trust in Your provision and grace. Give me each day my daily bread so that I won't faint. I know You will see me through this valley!

Denying Myself For Christ

I am still struggling with my feelings. I can't shake them, but God has been faithful to keep me standing. 

There were nights when I would be tempted with such thoughts: 

"the best is already come, if you miss this opportunity, you will lose everything"

"it's okay, God doesn't mind"

"it's not even that serious, don't take it so seriously"

I would lie in my bed with tears flowing down my cheeks, because I half-believed those thoughts. I pitied myself and I felt sorry for how weak I was. I felt robbed of joy and peace. Nothing seemed to go right. 

I knew that I had to give it up, but still my heart held on so tightly. 

But God reminded me of His laws; His everlasting laws that guide our paths. It was God's Word and His laws that saved me from death all those years ago, and once more, it was His laws that would point me back to true north. I could not turn my back to that. 

I started to think about the impact of my reckless thoughts and actions on others. 

I realised that even though I thought I was being considerate the whole time, I was still falling short. 

This battle is intense, but I am encouraged hourly by the Lord. He is faithful to me even as I feel faithless. 

Let this post be a reminder to me in the future.... 

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning. Great is Thy faithfulness!" (Lamentations 3:22-23)

A Month Into Aggressive Inline

Hmm it seems that I have been missing in action here for quite a while......

The reason being: I have found a new addiction!

I know what you're thinking... 

Haven't I always been addicted to rollerblading anyway?

But wait, this is different. 

This time I'm addicted to aggressive inline skating/rollerblading. 

Ever seen videos of people going up and down ramps, grinding on rails and all that fancy stuff? Yeap that's what I've been attempting to learn these days. In Ham's words, it feels a little like "relearning how to walk".

I have so much to learn, it's a bit daunting.

But then again, when I started playing DDR last year, I felt the same way too. It seemed almost impossible that I would ever be able to pass a level 14 song. Yet fast forward 5 months and I am now on to playing level 16 songs. 

I hope it will be the same with aggressive skating. 

I feel really blessed to have met other fantastic aggressive inline skaters who gave me great advice. They're able to point out things that would have taken me months to figure out. 

So yeap. 

Earlier today, or I guess, yesterday night, I was finally able to get out of the combo bowl on my own two feet, as well as land a 180 fakie jump off the island. I've got to keep working on my 180 turns now and learn how to control my speed up the ramp, so that I can start learning how to stall. 

Also need to buy a helmet and wheels so that I can finally attempt to drop down the vertical bowl. 

Ahhhhhh the challenges that lie ahead!