You know what I think the number one reason girls fall out of friendship with each other these days? It's not boyfriend-stealing, as some would like to think, but the true culprits are ENVY and JEALOUSY.
Disclaimer: Before I continue this, I'd like to point out that I know quite a bit about this topic simply because I've had to deal with it a lot. After years of confronting my insecurities and faults, I'm now comfortable enough to talk about it. And ever since I became a Christian, the Holy Spirit has led me to see the world differently. Yet once in a while, I still struggle with this girl-on-girl hating tendency. Basically, I'm not trying to insinuate that I'm the only girl in the world who doesn't have this problem. So if you're harbouring any thoughts of this post sounding something along the lines of "holier than thou", now would be the time to dump them, or stop reading.
Okay?
:)
I'm sure you know what this movie is... Mean Girls! A favourite chick flick among many who grew up during the Britney Spears / N*SYNC pop era.
Mean Girls gives great illustrations about the psyche behind girls hating other girls, especially the ones within their own cliques. I mean, isn't it counter intuitive for friends to hate on their closest friends? Wouldn't it make more sense for friends within a clique to hate on people in another clique? Well, as we see in the movie, this is often not the case.
Let's start with Cady Heron.
When Cady first arrives at Northshore High School as the new kid from Africa, she doesn't fit in with any cliques and as a result, she feels excluded by the entire school. Nobody hates her and she doesn't hate anybody. Besides, she doesn't know anyone well enough to hate them.
At this point, Cady feels insecure due to her being unaccepted among such a large group of people and has to eat lunch in a toilet stall all by herself.
It isn't long before Cady meets two other highly individualistic people who like her, don't quite fit in any other clique in the school. Together, Janis, Damien and Cady form their own little clique, and it is in this clique where Cady begins to learn the underlying social rules that govern the entire Northshore community.
Note that the social rules of alienation or separation are not actually spelled out to Cady. Janis didn't explicitly say, "well from now on you cannot hang out with this person and that person because they belong in another clique". Instead, she gives Cady a cafeteria map that illustrates where the different cliques usually sit in the cafeteria. However, by showing Cady this map and describing the other cliques according to their stereotypes, Janis has just alienated Cady from the rest of the cliques, thereby sealing her position within the "individualistic group". It is a subtle act done to Cady's subconscious, but the new rules have been learnt. E.g. "I am not asian and I am not cool, so I cannot sit with the cool asians and hang out with them" or "I am not black, so I cannot befriend the black kids".
With these rules in mind, Cady's world is suddenly disrupted by a breach.
Cady is invited to sit at the Queen Bee's table in the cafeteria- a big no no and a warning sign that would have been easily avoided by a veteran student at Northshore High. However for Cady, a youngling in the new world of high school politics, this is only slightly unsettling. So, she does exactly what she learnt back in Africa, which is to politely accept the invitation.
Now let's pause here for a second.
Why in the world would the Queen Bee of Northshore High want to be friends with the unknown, unpopular Cady Heron?
Well let's see. Regina compliments Cady on her bracelet and calls her pretty, but from her body language and tone, we can totally see through the insincerity of her words. Regina doesn't really want to be friends with Cady, she just wants to manipulate Cady into her clique so as to maintain her power and control.
In fact, as we see later on, the queen bee clique is not about true friendship at all. Instead, it is riddled with power struggles, manipulation, jealousy and insecurities. Essentially, the clique exists simply to prop up each member's ego. It works like a pyramid. The one on top, Regina, gets the most props. The others like Gretchen Wieners and Karen Smith get props too, but less than Regina does. Still, they are satisfied with the social status that comes with being Regina's footstools.
Cady's entrance into such a clique means that she must now conform to the rules of that clique and embrace all things "plastic". Superficially, Cady beings to change- from the way she dresses to the way she talks, and eventually to the way she interacts with people around her.
We must note that although Cady's transformation is influenced by the others in the clique, it is still a personal choice. Nobody forced her to become like them. She is also still technically a part of the "individualistic" clique so she has options of leaving, but Cady chooses to stay with the Plastics because she enjoys her new social status and all the intangible benefits that come with it.
..........................................................
So, I started out this post as a piece about envy and I'm not about to end it as an in-depth analysis of Mean Girls. I had to bring the movie up though, because it illustrates my points so exceedingly well.
First, let's go back to the first statement I made in this post.
You know what I think the number one reason girls fall out of friendship with each other these days? It's not boyfriend-stealing, as some would like to think, but the true culprits are ENVY and JEALOUSY.
Again, I say it's interesting that the victims of girl-on-girl hate crimes are often not from different cliques. They are usually within a circle of close friends. It's kinda like how people usually think murders are committed by crazy unknown psychopaths. But in reality, many murders are homicides carried out by members or friends of the family.
Why do such hate crimes happen in the first place?
Hate crimes in female friendships are often intangible and can range from anything between malicious gossip to subtle things they do to harm another person's self-esteem. Ultimately, the goal is to maintain or promote one's power position within the clique structure, with the intangible benefit being a superficial boost in self-esteem.
Thus, a vicious cycle is created.
1) Girls attack other girls within the same clique for a boost in self-esteem
2) Those attacks leave lasting emotional scars on other girls (often the scar is lowered self-esteem and an unhealthy image of self)
3) Those girls perpetuate the cycle by attacking others later on
4) The cycle continues
What drives all this?
What drives the catty remarks, the back-handed compliments, the insincere hugs and the fake friendship that could hurt so much more than an outright war?
Is it really Envy and Jealousy?
Perhaps.
But if we peel back the layers a bit more, we will begin to see that the true reason why girls behave this way is because of:
Insecurity. Low self-esteem. Lack of confidence.
Let me just share some things with you.
Ever since I was in kindergarten, all the way up to primary school, I was a terrible bully who physically ill-treated countless girls and boys. Sometimes I recount those stories like they're really funny, but I deep down, I know that people were actually really hurt by the things that I did. Not a day went by when I did not pull someone's hair, take someone's stuff or call people names. Who knows how many bullies and insecure girls were spawned from those days of being bullied by me? Those of you who knew me since primary school days know that I was notorious in school for always being punished by the principal.
But the story doesn't end there. In secondary and high school, I became a more seasoned kind of bully who used words and superficial niceties to bruise and wound people. As a result, I made many more enemies than friends. I'm surprised that I even have true friends leftover from those days!
Anyway, when I first started really reading the Bible back in 2008, I felt like I was finally stripped of all my walls. The Bible was like a clear mirror that finally made me realise and admit that I am actually a NOBODY. I am not awesome because I am pretty, talented, smart, tall, funny, etc and all the other things that I've forced other people to believe.
As a result, I was able to see that by bringing other people down, I was actually exposing my insecurities, low self-esteem and lack of confidence. In fact, the confident cover was just... a cover. Underneath, I was a mess, and therefore quite incapable of forming genuine friendships with many girls. Though I had many "friends", I realised that almost all of them were fake friendships- they didn't really like me very much because they thought I was cocky, mean-spirited and annoying.
I'd like to say that after that realisation, I worked on my self-image and later became awesome from the inside out, but that is far from the truth.
What really happened instead was that I found my identity in something, someone actually, greater than myself.
It wasn't a boyfriend (that one failed miserably), nor was it my parents who gave me my identity. I couldn't find it in myself nor could I find it in any clique of friends, because none of those people could give me true and lasting stability. The person who ultimately gave me my self-worth was Jesus Christ, I kid you not.
See, I knew that I needed to find purpose in my life and to know what I was living for. I needed that healthy confidence from within- the kind of confidence that doesn't sway when people disappoint you, when things go wrong or when you're feeling down. And I found that confidence in Jesus because He was always there for me. He was also the first person who's ever truly loved me.
He told me that even though I was a broken person who deserved to die, He loved me before I was born and died on the cross for me before I repented and asked for His forgiveness.
Wow.
That's like if your enemy got thrown into jail for 50 years, and you decided to take his place in jail even though he hates you and you don't know if he's even going to be grateful or repentant.
If that's not love, then I don't know what is!
Back to Mean Girls, if Cady had her self-confidence rooted in Christ, knowing that He loves her no matter what, she would be busy working on her relationship with Him. And the great thing about being in a relationship with Jesus is that He makes you do all these things that go against your human nature.
It's human nature to want to lie, to be attracted to superficial and temporary emotions, to steal and to harm others. No child in the world has ever needed to be taught how to lie when they get caught doing something they're not supposed to- it just sort of comes naturally. But when you're in a relationship with Jesus, He changes your heart so that you no longer love your human nature or think that it's natural.
If you spend a lot of time in constant relationship with the Lovely, Eternal, Everlasting God, you will be influenced by Him. It's like being influenced by a good friend that you spend a lot of time with. This is how Jesus changes people inside out. He puts His desires in your heart and takes out your sinful human desires! Soon, your heart will start crawl at the sight of things that are superficial and temporary.
If Cady had God in her heart, she might have been safeguarded from the draw of "fame" that comes with being a member of the Plastics. She would have been able to see through the temporary nature of the social structure in Northshore High, thereby saving her from the problems that come with compromising to its rules.
And I think that's precisely what gave me self-confidence and the ability to see through temporary social structures.
I tried to find my confidence in friends, they failed me.
I tried to find my confidence in parents, they failed me too.
I tried to find my confidence in myself, but I found that I had none to begin with.
I tried to find my confidence in a guy, he failed me.
I tried to build confidence by changing the way I look, by manipulating my social position among people, by travelling, by gaining knowledge, by doing well in school or work, etc... But all that stuff was never able to last. I would always still come to an empty place, like a desert in my heart.
But when I encountered the love of Jesus Christ, MAN that was like... stumbling upon an unending spring in an oasis.
So where does all that leave me?
I still struggle with lack of self-esteem sometimes, and it's usually when I wander away from Jesus Christ, getting enticed by the pretty things of this temporary world again.
But my struggles are mainly victorious if I run again to Christ.
I have no fear of man, or woman now for that matter.
"The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?" (Hebrews 13:6)
When people step on me or when life goes wrong, I can laugh in the face of adversity because my confidence comes from Christ, who lives within me. I have confidence in an unshakeable Rock... What and who could ever move me?
If you want that sort of confidence in your life, listen to what I say.
Jesus Christ will turn you from a barren desert to a fresh stream overflowing with goodness. He will take your timid heart of stone and turn it into one made of flesh, strong from the inside out. You will never again have to live in fear of people not liking you, or not thinking that you're "cool enough". You will be released from the chains of having to conform to detrimental social structures in your clique, school or workplace. Your days will be filled with love, hope and FREEDOM.
Are you in or out?
:)
And just for laughs...
Keri Hilson's version ^
Don't hate me cause I'm beautiful
Praise Invasion's version ^
Don't hate me cause He saved my soul
Is it really Envy and Jealousy?
Perhaps.
But if we peel back the layers a bit more, we will begin to see that the true reason why girls behave this way is because of:
Insecurity. Low self-esteem. Lack of confidence.
Let me just share some things with you.
Ever since I was in kindergarten, all the way up to primary school, I was a terrible bully who physically ill-treated countless girls and boys. Sometimes I recount those stories like they're really funny, but I deep down, I know that people were actually really hurt by the things that I did. Not a day went by when I did not pull someone's hair, take someone's stuff or call people names. Who knows how many bullies and insecure girls were spawned from those days of being bullied by me? Those of you who knew me since primary school days know that I was notorious in school for always being punished by the principal.
But the story doesn't end there. In secondary and high school, I became a more seasoned kind of bully who used words and superficial niceties to bruise and wound people. As a result, I made many more enemies than friends. I'm surprised that I even have true friends leftover from those days!
Anyway, when I first started really reading the Bible back in 2008, I felt like I was finally stripped of all my walls. The Bible was like a clear mirror that finally made me realise and admit that I am actually a NOBODY. I am not awesome because I am pretty, talented, smart, tall, funny, etc and all the other things that I've forced other people to believe.
As a result, I was able to see that by bringing other people down, I was actually exposing my insecurities, low self-esteem and lack of confidence. In fact, the confident cover was just... a cover. Underneath, I was a mess, and therefore quite incapable of forming genuine friendships with many girls. Though I had many "friends", I realised that almost all of them were fake friendships- they didn't really like me very much because they thought I was cocky, mean-spirited and annoying.
I'd like to say that after that realisation, I worked on my self-image and later became awesome from the inside out, but that is far from the truth.
What really happened instead was that I found my identity in something, someone actually, greater than myself.
It wasn't a boyfriend (that one failed miserably), nor was it my parents who gave me my identity. I couldn't find it in myself nor could I find it in any clique of friends, because none of those people could give me true and lasting stability. The person who ultimately gave me my self-worth was Jesus Christ, I kid you not.
See, I knew that I needed to find purpose in my life and to know what I was living for. I needed that healthy confidence from within- the kind of confidence that doesn't sway when people disappoint you, when things go wrong or when you're feeling down. And I found that confidence in Jesus because He was always there for me. He was also the first person who's ever truly loved me.
He told me that even though I was a broken person who deserved to die, He loved me before I was born and died on the cross for me before I repented and asked for His forgiveness.
Wow.
That's like if your enemy got thrown into jail for 50 years, and you decided to take his place in jail even though he hates you and you don't know if he's even going to be grateful or repentant.
If that's not love, then I don't know what is!
Back to Mean Girls, if Cady had her self-confidence rooted in Christ, knowing that He loves her no matter what, she would be busy working on her relationship with Him. And the great thing about being in a relationship with Jesus is that He makes you do all these things that go against your human nature.
It's human nature to want to lie, to be attracted to superficial and temporary emotions, to steal and to harm others. No child in the world has ever needed to be taught how to lie when they get caught doing something they're not supposed to- it just sort of comes naturally. But when you're in a relationship with Jesus, He changes your heart so that you no longer love your human nature or think that it's natural.
If you spend a lot of time in constant relationship with the Lovely, Eternal, Everlasting God, you will be influenced by Him. It's like being influenced by a good friend that you spend a lot of time with. This is how Jesus changes people inside out. He puts His desires in your heart and takes out your sinful human desires! Soon, your heart will start crawl at the sight of things that are superficial and temporary.
If Cady had God in her heart, she might have been safeguarded from the draw of "fame" that comes with being a member of the Plastics. She would have been able to see through the temporary nature of the social structure in Northshore High, thereby saving her from the problems that come with compromising to its rules.
And I think that's precisely what gave me self-confidence and the ability to see through temporary social structures.
I tried to find my confidence in friends, they failed me.
I tried to find my confidence in parents, they failed me too.
I tried to find my confidence in myself, but I found that I had none to begin with.
I tried to find my confidence in a guy, he failed me.
I tried to build confidence by changing the way I look, by manipulating my social position among people, by travelling, by gaining knowledge, by doing well in school or work, etc... But all that stuff was never able to last. I would always still come to an empty place, like a desert in my heart.
But when I encountered the love of Jesus Christ, MAN that was like... stumbling upon an unending spring in an oasis.
..........................................................
So where does all that leave me?
I still struggle with lack of self-esteem sometimes, and it's usually when I wander away from Jesus Christ, getting enticed by the pretty things of this temporary world again.
But my struggles are mainly victorious if I run again to Christ.
I have no fear of man, or woman now for that matter.
"The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?" (Hebrews 13:6)
When people step on me or when life goes wrong, I can laugh in the face of adversity because my confidence comes from Christ, who lives within me. I have confidence in an unshakeable Rock... What and who could ever move me?
If you want that sort of confidence in your life, listen to what I say.
Jesus Christ will turn you from a barren desert to a fresh stream overflowing with goodness. He will take your timid heart of stone and turn it into one made of flesh, strong from the inside out. You will never again have to live in fear of people not liking you, or not thinking that you're "cool enough". You will be released from the chains of having to conform to detrimental social structures in your clique, school or workplace. Your days will be filled with love, hope and FREEDOM.
Are you in or out?
:)
And just for laughs...
Keri Hilson's version ^
Don't hate me cause I'm beautiful
Praise Invasion's version ^
Don't hate me cause He saved my soul
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