Goodbye To January

A lot of life is about subtleties.

Finding them, and making them un-subtle.

It is also about making a cat who hates you love you again.
Sometimes food does the trick. Actually, most times, food does the trick. Well and so does rubbing her back and scratching her ears and neck.

Without love, you can do nothing.

Without faith, you can do nothing.

With the both of them, you can do anything, but not everything. In fact, with love and faith, many possibilities in certain directions close up, but several other doors will open.

A lot of life is lived in fear.

But fear is not always a bad thing. Too much fear will cripple you. Too little fear will drive you to do stupid things.

I'm pretty fearless in all the wrong things.

It's time to push this fear in a new direction!

Of course, it can only start with the basics.

1000 tomorrow morning in church.

I am always saying goodbyes around this time...

Normal Day

I'm a little bit tired.

I had a lovely daydream today. I dreamt that I went on a picnic wearing some warm summery black dress. I climbed to the top of a cliff overlooking a small lake. There were old trees everwhere and my cat next to me. I just sat there and drew pictures all day listening to this song. The evening brought friends and a large barbecue with wings, steak, baked potatoes... the goods. The night brought fireflies, stars and somebody wrapped up in a blanket with me.

Why am I scared of this coming summer all of a sudden?

Chinese New Year is still not over eh? I love that we take fifteen days to bring in the new year. For me however, it's quite over. Sadly so. There isn't anybody here besides me and my mom who could celebrate it in the family.

We got a two hour delay for school this morning because of the snow and rain.

Classes couldn't really go on as usual because many people didn't turn up to class. I liked the casual discussions we had instead of structured lessons. I always seem to learn more at those.

Track was a mess as usual. My shins, knees and ankles are still being bitches. I was being a bitch.

Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a painting.

Just a weird wavy liquid feeling that I get in my head when I remember that nothing's certain. I couldn't go to church today. I'm not sure why.

I feel like sitting here forever.

Maybe it has something to do with being in a big space all alone.

Sometimes I wonder what the world would've been like if Eve never ate that apple. Would we all still be running around naked in that nice little garden? What would we do with ourselves if we didn't need to work, or if giving birth wasn't painful? What if we all spoke the same language? What if we could walk next to God on earth and hold a conversation with him? What would I say?

When I think about life sometimes, it makes me so tired.

But at least we have the beautiful moments to live for and sustain us.

I've been wondering recently about how my life would've turned out to be if I never left Singapore. To be honest, I can't even imagine. Too much has changed in the past three years.

Consistency, Lady! Consistency!

Journey into the unknown

Here I go again

Perhaps the seagulls can tell me

All I want to know

Perhaps this too will end

Perhaps this too will begin

I'm holding my breath

I can't wait for skies to look like that again in a few months. Are you tired of hearing me say that (reading me type that)? Of course not! I phrase it differently all the time. I can't wait for summer to get its humid sweltering ass here!

I was about to say something about something important/insignificant, but Tanya brought up a very good point. And that is what friends are for.

Don't you just love my riddles?

I love secret blogs too.

If you can find mine I'll give you a dollar.

If you can give me what I want, I'll give you what you want.

But if and only if we both want the same thing.

Sausages. OH SAUSAGES! I hate random food cravings past bedtime.

Hopefully a good whipping snowstorm will descend upon this little town with a vengeance tonight and school will shut its doors to all its little children. I have something that I'd like to do.

In the meantime, I anticipate more thinking, reading, writing, drawing and music playing.

Бторник, Январь.

One Russian word a day keeps the stuttering away.

I'm Thinking Like Summer and Living Like Rain

What a blah day.

I could go on and on about all the little things that went wrong today, but I'm not even in the mood for that. Many things aren't perfect and although I like to think that I'm okay with that, I'm really not.

Oh well.

It's one of those days again. Check out the past five songs that I've just listened to.

I would really like to take some time, a warm cup of chamomile tea, lots of thick blankets and go lie next to a lake somewhere and watch the stars right now. I'd like to just lay there and not think about anything at all.

So why don't I?

I don't know.

What happens when you lose everything you have ever worked for in a few seconds? What happens when you find out that everything you have done is absolutely meaningless?

Only a precious few can ever find meaning in their lives.

You know what would be nice right now too? Rollerblading at East Coast Park, getting tired when the sun goes down, then having barbecued wings and stingray for supper.

All these moments that I used to take for granted....

I wish now for those moments to come back to me.

I've been having all these amazing dreams recently about being in some warm country and swimming in the warm ocean with fishes and sunlight everywhere.

I wonder what will happen this year.

I wonder what I'll be like in 2010. I wonder how my life will change by then.

Things change so quickly. Time seems to fly by faster and faster.

I Will Go With You To Mordor

Flashback...

Good old Pennsylvania.

This place never ceases to relax or vex the shit out of me. I am always either thoroughly appreciative of the tranquility (more like deadness) of this area, or really pissed off at the fact that there is nothing to do here besides sit home and watch TV.

I thought that today being Chinese New Year (and New years are my absolute favourites), things might be slightly different around here.

Nope.

The only exciting things I did today were having conversations at Alex's house and eating the nice reunion dinner my mom prepared.

I also played tag with my two little brothers for a few minutes before they collapsed on the couch with exhaustion.

But honestly, I actually enjoyed myself today.

It was just nice to get away from Jersey and my apartment.. To drive down salt-covered roads in the sunshine.... I had my heat on full blast and happy Russian pop songs blaring through the speakers. It almost felt like summer again.

I started daydreaming about all the things that I like to daydream about.

Now I just can't wait for tomorrow morning when I can run all my troubles away.

Daydreams...

Why do we have so many? What happens when they come all come true? Perhaps we would be happier people if our dreams never came true...

Not My Will

I just got home from the meet and it's pretty late (one and a half hours past bedtime). I did badly, which is just as well since another bad experience in my book means one more reason for me to push myself at practice and during my own runs.

Yes that's right.

"Down" days are really your "up" days. Without those "down" days, you may never get the same motivation as you might if you kept having good days in a row.

Another thing that I've been considering lately is what I want to do after I graduate. Not what career path I'll be choosing or what job I'll be applying for, but rather what will I specifically do with my life.

Of course the first thing that popped into my mind was moving to Seattle or back to Singapore. Heck, I'd love to join the Peace Corps and move to Ukraine. But something else hit me as I listened to the radio, driving home through the quiet streets. No matter what plans I make for tomorrow, is it really up to me? How will I even know that I'll still be around tomorrow? Some people say that your life is what you make it out to be.

True enough, but to a certain extent I think.

It's just, our abilities are so limited. You can write a brilliant resume, send it out to a hundred places, but you can't make an interviewer call you back. They may not call you back for millions of uncontrollable circumstances.

You may dress well, learn to cook, be a wonderful person. Be in all the right places at the right time. But can you really control who you will meet?

As with anything in life, our full effort in the truest sincere form is necessary. However, it is not everything. If life were truly what we made it to be, it would be a lot different for most people don't you think?

I have entrusted these "million circumstances" to Him. I now know that no matter what plans I make, it is not really up to me. Rather, I choose to put my faith in God and live one day at a time.

I make mistakes of course.

Just made some big ones recently, actually. But life goes on and I know He's always there watching out for me. I'm so grateful to have the best Father in the whole universe.

I know some of you out there feel the same way.

Goodnight.

My Ambiguous Blogpost To Certain Persons

With cold, one can appreciate heat.
Without love, one can embrace sincerity.
With pain, one can savour comfort.
Without reflections, one may never move on.

No I'm not feeling emotional. More like, the lack of emotions. I guess the reason for that could be that the temperature in my apartment is roughly the same as it is outside (1 Celsius not as bad as yesterday's -8.)

Perhaps it could be that I spent all day today brooding over unnecessary stresses.

I realised something many times ago, but once more again, today.

The answers are always there. The hard part is not discovering them, but coming to terms with them. I know what I must do and how I should go about doing these things.

I read Tennyson's Ulysses today and the last two lines really said something to me.

"Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will. To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield."

Just in time for my track meet tomorrow! It will be my first time back in action after a long absence. I know I'm not really in any shape to race yet, but I'm excited just to be able to run hard again.

Yeah well. Life goes on.

About my love life, it's been going great so far. Jesus and I have fabulous moments- mostly when i'm hungry, discouraged, lonely, cold, disillusioned. I have a feeling that more great times are in store for us! Please pray for our relationship :)

What?

Psh. Please.

To a few of you out there, I really hope you get your relationship issues resolved. If you are spending more than 50% of your time being unhappy and fighting with your girl/guy, it's not worth it.

Stop asking yourself if it's worth it. Quoting from another poem I read today, love has "austere and lonely offices". You already know that people aren't perfect. So why get angry over every single one of their offenses? If you truly love them, you will be slow to anger and wait as long as it takes.

Of course I am not saying go and his/her slave. There are lines to be drawn when dealing with people.

The only one you should be serving whole-heartedly is the One who will never let you down. But people let you down all the time and if you are confused, just put yourself out of the situation and look at it this way. If a friend you truly care about were going through the same thing as you are right now, what would your advice be to them?

I know I said it before, but I'll say it again. Having someone love you back is an awesome feeling. Very addicting. But it's not everything and trust me, life WILL be better if you just do what you know is right. The phrase "follow your intuition" didn't come from nowhere. If you know deep inside that you should leave, then do it. Why prolong the pain? One day you will look back and wish you left earlier instead of dragging it on. One day you will ask yourself "what was I thinking?"

Stay alert, be safe, don't fall asleep on the road or lose attention while reading this on your Iphone and driving.

And yes. Those vibrations in the air were exactly what you thought they were.

I did just fart right now.

My Shrinking Brain

i just got home from a long day at school and track.

Nothing's new really. Just the usual little ol' tired me here on the couch typing away.

I found the thermostat in the apartment and turned it completely off so... hello multiple layers and big comfy blanket! Next month's bill better shrink by at least 50%!

It's nice to be this tired again. I know I'm going to sleep well tonight. I just found three leftover bagels in the freezer from my ex-roommate so I ate all of them. Pretty good stuff.

I've been thinking a lot today about yesterday. Things that were said and done, come and gone. Where am I going, what am I doing? Hopefully at church later tonight I'll find an answer.

I miss wearing dresses and skirts. Come back soon summer, I miss you!

P.S.

I checked the weather for the next ten days and we're staying below freezing for a LONG time. Let me just go soak myself in my pool of unhappiness now.

Such A Pleasant Day. Not.

Faces... Places...

Temperatures fell today and so did my face when I got yelled at during practice today. I have not been a good girl when it comes to attending practice despite my injuries so the public screaming by a red-faced coach really woke me up.

I've been slipping and I feel it. I've been casually, slowly but surely, slipping from my usual routines and forgetting my goals.

And always that stern sick feeling returns to my stomach. What if I had done things the way they were supposed to be accomplished?

I don't want to spend any more moments in my life asking "what if"s.

Staying focused on a higher will, staying focused on what lies in front of me at the moment, remembering that time is limited, getting stronger despite the pain- I guess I have finally found my New Year's resolution.

Speaking of New Years.

Today is the Russian Old New Years. Apparently they celebrate two New Years. The first is the New Year that the rest of the world celebrates and the other is the New Year that Russians traditionally celebrate.

Which makes me think about our traditional Chinese New Year.

Yes.

It's that time of the year again when I get all nostalgic and sad about not being able to join in the hustle and bustle of the celebration. But my thoughts will be with you guys while you eat that sweet Ba Gua (barbecued pork pieces) in the nice warm weather as I sit here in my cold room all alone eating uh carrots.

Anyways. I'm going to sleep. My phone is going to sleep as well. I've decided to just turn everything off once bedtime arrives (2130). I guess it's my way of isolation now. I am very sick of the rest of the world and I'm sure the world is kind of sick of me too so... That makes the two of us.

Bye!

P.S.

I THINK: Pain is delicious. More so is the victory, that sense of satisfaction in conquering that comes right afterwards.

P.P.S.

The world would probably be a much better place if we all used military time.

Generalities at Midnight

Yes, it's extremely late right now and I just got home; but I still have to continue this regular blogging routine that I've been able to keep recently.

There's nothing like a good routine to keep brain juices flowing.

Sunday and Monday I worked at a launch party for a fragrance and had to wear heels the whole time. At least we got to keep the dresses we were wearing and a free bottle of fragrance (Narciso Rodriguez For Her). But to be honest, I don't know if the crazy footache is worth all that. At most, it was just fun to practice Russian with Yuliya and Dejan the Serb (who was full of information about the history of Eastern Europe) and the view was pretty incredible.

I have pictures but not the energy to go get my camera to upload them.

Work is picking up this month and I'm so grateful for that. Everybody knows we all could use a little extra cash right now.

So I went to Ikea with DPL today and got more candle stuff so the apartment's going to be very well lighted in nights to come.

Candlelight, I noticed, creates a great environment for thinking. Maybe it's the hypnotising waving of the flame... or the soothing scent... I don't know. But I like it so far.

And I've got plenty of things to think about as it is.

How to cut down on my monthly expenses, who to trust, what to do about certain things...

Church tomorrow night. I'm stoked. I miss going to His house.

Also, we're getting crazy cold temperatures like what recently hit Europe and the American Midwest soon.

I am prepared.

Goodnight everybody.

Pain In Life Is Necessary

Well.

I just got back from a rather silly day at work. All I did today was wear a nice dress and walk around with Yulia because that was my job. Not that I'm complaining; I mean, at least I'm getting paid doing nothing you know? But I just felt rather useless and I don't like feeling that way too often.

Vulnerability. Uselessness.

They're such unpleasant feelings to have. Everybody has to feel them at some point of their lives, but I seem to feel them more than most people. Why is that?

Anyway, temperatures are on the verge of dipping and I'm curious to see what running in -20 Celsius is going to feel like. Very painful I'm sure. I hope I don't fall sick. I shall take plenty of precautions such as wearing more layers than usual (I usually wear 7 layers on top and 3 layers on the bottom) and probably running in goggles or something so my eyeballs don't freeze and pop out of their sockets.

Do you know, life is mostly painful- "nasty, brutish and short" for sure. But recently I've been enjoying these "painful" moments because I know they make me stronger. Whenever physical murder or emotional stabbings occur, I tell myself that just over the hill lies relief that will feel so much more intensely great after going through some sort of pain.

And please. I'm not some sort of maniac that's flogging myself each night before I fall asleep okay.

I just feel that I often take things for granted and complain too much. It's just a waste of time and energy since life really is just one big bundle of pain with a few droplets of happiness that we can truly enjoy better if we just embrace the hardships that come with it.

I am writing long bumbling sentences again.

I've got to turn in soon since I'm working again tomorrow and running in the morning. Winter break ends Tuesday and school starts on Wednesday at 0800.

Y i p p e e .

There goes life as I know it.

P.S.

Living nights in candlelight is incredible even though it was a bit weird trying to adjust at first. Goodbye to electric bulbs for good!

P.P.S.

Laura Fygi is an amazing amazing singer. Such a sensuous voice; like waves sweeping back and forth on a lonely beach under the stars. I am in such a lovely mood right now- candlelight, this song, blankets...

How I Feel Today

Time for a metaphor!

If you sit lie outside in the cold air and close your eyes for a long time, you start to lose sense of where you are. However you still feel the pinch of cold. After a while it feels almost like you are moving because the wind is rushing over your face.

A while later you remember.

And you forget the cold, the world... yourself.

I have to drive back in the snowstorm later and I'm not excited at all. I'll be back with pictures next time.

Later.

And I Begin To Wonder

Last night I worked at the Louis Vuitton Stephen Sprouse event.

But before that I went to meet up with Elizabeth who left for Singapore at 2100.

The both of them have completed their exchange programs and jetted back to the sunny island.

Talking to a sad Elizabeth who didn't want to leave made me think about the possibility of me ever returning to Singapore. I imagined myself in her shoes and this really overwhelming feeling of sadness just fell on me. I mean, I miss Singapore, I really do. It's just that I've grown to like this place a lot too. I really love the fact that I can walk in one direction for days and not see a coastline (well excluding one direction).

So last night I worked with Anjelina Jolie.

Well, Anjelina Jolie lookalike. Hah. This Alexa person has no bad angles!

Can you tell I was really bored at my job? We did a little photoshoot in the back of the bus.

I mean, they gave me the sweetest task of the night. I was initially supposed to be doing coat check along with the rest of the girls outside in the freezing wind, but due to a lucky turn of events, my job ended up being having to sit in the bus where all the employees' belongings were kept so I can guard them.

I guess getting paid for four hours of sitting in a warm bus while other people are freezing their asses outside can have its downs too.
Like being bored.
Being so bored that you pull off your neon tie and tie it around your head.
And just discussing the hotness of Hayden Christiansen (Christian Haydensen as we like to call him) and Jonathan Rhys something... Oh fantastically hot people we see on tv... Why can't you just be real and grow a pimple and let us see it or something?
Anyway, that's goodbye to Elizabeth for a really long time. Nobody has buzzed from Singapore to say they were coming over yet, so I'm just chillin with my kitty for now. I think I may get back into writing letters since I keep receiving them but haven't replied to any.

I'm so sorry!

Check your mailboxes soon. :)

Also,

Morning has broken like the first morning.

Blackbird has spoken like the first bird.

Praise for the singing.

Praise for the morning.

Praise for them springing fresh from the Word.

Wasting My Life Away

The biggest challenge for me today is to do what I should be doing.

So far it's been hello Facebook, hello email, hello random news articles and youtube videos. And during all this time that I've been sitting here vegging, I've been semi-conscious of the fact that time is just slipping away like sand through my fingers.

I really should be rearranging my furniture, doing some more cleanup, catching up on Russian vocab, playing some violin and getting a job around here.

Instead I'm vegging.

Sometimes I wonder if it has anything to do with the first character of my Chinese name meaning "vegetable".

And wouldn't you agree that today's music scene is nothing compared to what's playing right now? This is "Love Is A Many Splendoured Thing" by Nat King Cole. A song that my dad always played in the car on the weekends while we drove around. Brings back great memories...

My favourite part is "once on a high and windy hill, in the morning mist, two lovers kissed and the world stood still." Simply gorgeous lyrics. And those violins!

0200 In The Morning

I really am dead pooped tired, but here I am, almost 0200 in the morning, still unable to fall asleep.

Ever feel so tired that you can't fall asleep?

No matter what I am still getting up to run at 0730 tomorrow though... or, actually it's today.

A lot of things have happened, many realisations have hit me along with interesting new turns in my lovely river of life.

I promise there will be more later today, if not, um... well...