Exhaustion

Dear God,

I am really tired tonight. Not simply because I am physically exhausted from being awake almost 21 hours now, but also because I am worrying about coughing up money in December.

I know You know that I have about fifteen bucks left in my bank account and that makes me really worried about how I'm going to pay for gas the upcoming weekends (what with the rising prices and all) and the two parking tickets which come to a total of 130USD.

Even as I type this out I find it very faithless of me to be worried about these things. Have I not witnessed enough of Your faithfulness to understand that You always provide abundantly? Do I not feel secure enough, remembering the times when I thought help would never come but it did anyway, miraculously?

I worry so much too about how I'm doing in school and sometimes it seems that I just can't conquer my laziness/tiredness. It's like I want to do my homework but it keeps running away from me! And while at the beginning I'd try my best to catch it and pin it down, now I just find myself so tired of it all. I lift my eyes to the ceiling, asking "where does my help come from?", already knowing the answer, but half-believing that You, Lord, will help me in such a simple thing as getting through school.

I am so sorry Lord for all the doubts and fears that I put up against You. You are a God of miracles. You created the world in seven days, parted the Red Sea, kept the sun in the sky for an entire day, saved me from who I was... and still these comparably small circumstances have me wavering!

Lord, I really don't want to be like this... I am very tired right now and I don't want to carry around the burdens of my worries any longer. I am just going to sleep right now and ask that You will grant me a sweet night's sleep. I pray that Your presence will go ahead of me tomorrow and for the rest of the week. May Your love and strength lift me up above all my troubles so that I may rejoice under the shade of Your wings!

I know You've seen my weekly schedule and how it's all crammed full of activities and assignment due dates. Please calm the storm of busyness in my life right now and help me to just be still and know that You are God.

Refresh me with Your living water. Give me rest as I rest in You alone. Without You Lord I can accomplish nothing. So I am giving up all my stresses right now. I know that things will turn out better than fine because You are in control.

Amen!

Publicly Airing Honest Thoughts

What's up y'all!

I have a confession to make, which makes me slightly embarassed but here it goes: I like watching MTV's reality shows The Hills, The City and Laguna Beach! Ok some of you may be thinking that that's nothing to be embarassed about because you may watch them yourselves. However, like junk food, I do get that guilt pinch doing something that you sort of feel isn't beneficial to your body. As someone who avoids Jersey Shore and The Simpsons like the plague on the very same basis, I hereby give you reason to roll your eyes at me. I mean really, I'm not as intellectual as a person I may make myself out to be...

Ok anyway, I was hunting around for some "mental junk food" to snack on in past The Hills episodes this afternoon when I stumbled upon something really interesting.... Heidi's mom's blog!

If you didn't know, Heidi is one of the characters that is shown changing from being mommy's little suburban girl to miserable plastic city woman. Unfortunately, even through the heavily-scripted plots, audiences can easily discern that Heidi is just going through life as a wreck. Not quite on the Britney level but similar to other publicised celebrity life disasters. The result of all this is her poor mother's shattered and broken heart aired on TV for all to see.

Out of curiosity, I clicked on the link to Heidi's mom's, Darlene Egelhoff's blog link to read what she had to write about her experiences. I glossed over the page almost expecting to read yet another money-grubbing mom-ster journal, but was met instead with words so personal that reading them were like walking on knives. Painful every step of the way, raw and personal.

Although I'm not a mom myself, just the fact that here was another human being baring her sorrows and hurts, acknowledging brokenness and failure in her life, touched me to the quick. Mrs. Darlene is not afraid to talk about how she has failed as a mother, how she's gone through the pain of an abortion, sexual abuse, loneliness, depression and all other things that we like to pretend we don't feel. Not only did that give me goosebumps, it apparently gave others goosebumps too. It's like she writes with a sincere pouring out of the heart... And that reminded me of the surrender Christ asks of us.

Just totally giving up all masks and pretensions to God is really hard for me. I really don't like crying in church even though it happens inevitably almost every Sunday because sometimes I feel so many eyes on me, all those strong unwet pupils staring at the weakness flowing down my cheeks. Yet at the same time my walk in Christ has always been about the surrender. My Sundays at church have been about crying anyway because God touched me so deeply that I couldn't hide the tears and emotion any longer.

It made me reevaluate the way I blog.

Who am I writing for really? Myself? My friends? Relatives?

I thought about how I sometimes dreamt about being a writer but never really just wrote, just let my pain and hurt be described in high-definition. So many of my past blog posts are written like blurry riddles that only people who know me personally can really solve. I've got so many walls up, loops and mazes fixed into my tale-telling that it's no wonder people so easily misunderstand the purposes behind my writing. Simply because I am writing behind a veil. Instead of baring my wounds, I chose to bandage them up so much that it looks like I'm so much stronger than I really am... But all it is underneath is a bloody mess.

And you know what, it's all because I am so afraid of being hurt again. I am afraid of being judged, of being looked down upon and accused. I talk about Jesus saving me and helping me all the time but what did He save me from? What did that pit that He pulled me out from really look like? Was it long and dark, or full of sunshine and rainbows?

Like when I read back on posts in 2008 or 2009, I'm like man... There is so much more going on in my head than what I'm typing out. And how are people supposed to know the full extent of my rottenness vs. Jesus' saving power if I don't honestly reveal either of them?

And I when I revisit the blog I created during my transitional period I just shake my head. It's like ok yada yada yada great job Mindy you were just praising God all the way, but how were you reaching out to others, encouraging them?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that by writing in generalities, I end up masking the failure that is me and I am not doing justice to God's work in my life. I want people to know how much God has done for me and does for me on a daily basis and no one is going to see how God is delivering me from things like pride, anger and deceitfulness if I'm hiding in my closet.

Mrs. Darlene's blog really inspired me to just forget the world and its judgmental gaze and just focus on lifting other people up. I know flak will come, so let it come! Maybe the very people whom I keep hiding my blog from are the very people who need to read about the miracles God can wrought in the ultimate idiot's life.

I'm a loser. I don't have it altogether and on some days, you might really question if I even had a heart or not. I cringe at judgmental people but I'm ten times more judgmental myself. I smirk at other hypocrites but my smirk is such hypocrisy in itself!

I am sick of it, myself, the way I write. I don't want to hide my lamp under a rock anymore.

So for the sake of everyone else who may come here feeling like they're the biggest insecure loser in the world, I'm gonna strip my bandages... If me telling you that I used be boy-crazy to hide my insecurities makes you feel less like you need to hide, then I will say it. Because now that I've welcomed Christ into my life, there's no longer any need to hide. I stand alone on His Grace. Yeah I'm a mess and I still get upset sometimes when I see other people having more fun than I am, making me want to put them down in some other way to satisfy my twisted insecurity; but so what? If you're like that too, you know you're not alone. And everyday I struggle with those feelings, carrying my cross with the strength I ask God for. I tell Him I don't want to be that arrogant hypocrite and He puts new life into my spirit.

I may struggle on and off with being completely honest with my feelings (especially if they lead to embarassment and shame), but here's a start. I believe that God put this upon my heart for a reason. Just like there is no reason to hype up the message of God to make it more "attractive" to others, there is also no reason to bandage my wounds to make myself look stronger. In my weakness Christ is strong!

That's all, and God bless your day!

00:35 Black Friday

Don't have my camera wires with me therefore I can't upload any pictures... So I'll talk about Thanksgiving and other stuff I've been up to next time.

Anyhoots, I've been missing Singapore and Youtubing all sorts of nonsense. Laughing my head off in my bedroom right now!

Enjoy....

Bible Study Update

I posted this on the Facebook group "Sisters in Christ" last night:

I want to praise God and thank those who prayed for our Monday night bible study at school. Last night we welcomed a new member and got the attention of a curious Catholic friend. Word is spreading about our group and others are planning to come next week. HALLELUJAH! God is powerful and mighty indeed! He answers prayers and He is sending out labourers into the fields to to sow His seeds. I pray for all small groups across college campuses right now, may the Lord anoint us all abundantly with the wisdom and discernment of the Holy Spirit! May the Lord encourage us and continue His good work in our lives and communities. May we lean away from any false doctrine and only listen to the true voice of our Saviour. Amen!

Seriously, my heart was pumping throughout the entire Bible study last night. Just to be able to see God working through people's lives is so powerful.

Praise God!

Lunch Quickie

Hello! I've got 3o minutes left of lunchtime and what better way is there to spend it than to type up a quickie?

Well actually I could think of a few better ways...

For one, I've got enough homework to keep me busy through the upcoming Thanksgiving holidays. Although it's a week's worth of vacation time, I don't feel like it's sufficient because of all the stuff I've got to do.

Let's see, I've got three chapters of Russian to study and finish (each chapter takes me approximately 2 hours), 2 chapters of German to study for, a 10 page paper on the religion and symbolism in Delillo's "White Noise" as well as two books, Kennedy's "Ironweed" and Toni Morrison's "Paradise" to finish.

As an extremely easily distracted person, I'd say that would take me about six days to finish.

Also, I've got to pack up some things in my dorm because the fall semester ends in three weeks and we've got to move back home before school reopens 19th January.

I guess the one relief is that I don't have to spend 3 hours a day at track practice. Instead, I spend about 2 hours swimming, going to the trainer's for rehab and at the gym. The nice thing is that I can go whenever I want and don't have to wait for 15:00 everyday to start practice.

Tonight we'll be conducting Bible study in the school library instead of my dorm. Hopefully we'll find the place nicely quiet and empty.

Yep that's about all that's going on in my life right now.

Blog more later.

Adios!

30 Hour Famine At Mt. Gilead

WHAT a WEEKEND!

I can't believe it's already Monday! (It's midnight right now as I'm typing.)

Alright I guess I better type a little faster before my eyes run out of fuel.

Friday evening I joined the church's teen group and young adults' group at Mount Gilead Camp and Conference Centre located at the foot of the Pocono mountains of Pennsylvania. It's only about 1.5 hours West from my school in Jersey.

Basically the teens were there to participate in a 30 hour fast which was to end Saturday afternoon. The camp owners let us stay there in exchange for building them a new horse fence. The camp is usually open only during the warm season and caters to young girls wanting a closer relationship with God.

The young adult group C.L.I.M.B. which I'm part of went along not only to participate in those activities but also to bond with kids only slightly younger than us.

Up there it was pretty cold. Temperatures hovered between -1 Celsius at night and 5 Celsius in the daytime.

Because I absolutely adore camping, I HAD to sleep in a tent outside.

Nobody else wanted to join me because they said it was too cold. Honestly, it wasn't cold at all once I was all bundled up. I had two winter sleeping bags to sleep in and wore two layers of socks, pants and long sleeved shirts.

08:00 Saturday morning, we trudged to Acken Hall for our morning service, still hungry after more than 24 hours of not eating.

We talked about how privileged we are compared to children in other countries like Africa and how we have a tendency to complain about not having more. As I watched the teens, I saw some of them look as if they really felt bad for their "Affluenza", but others were just too tired and cranky to think about anything else.

After service we went to get our tools.

Thankfully most of the holes were already dug up and all we needed to do was to make sure that they were all two feet deep. It sounds easy, digging a few inches of dirt out of the holes, but in reality it was SO HARD! Mostly because the ground was quite rocky and it took a lot of strength to get them out of the holes. Not to mention, the wooden pieces of fence must've weighed at least 40kg each and we had to carry them to all the holes.

Talk about back-breaking work!

We only had to work for four hours before breaking our fast but time really moved by slowly.

Even at the end of two hours, I was completely exhausted and kind of out of it.

The "FamCam" was going around, taking interviews of kids as they worked on the fence.

Four hours seemed like ten but it was finally time to break our fast.

First we had communion together and I must say it was the best tasting bread & grape juice I've ever had!

Our youth pastor Stretch then talked to us about the communion and how it represents Christ's sacrifice for us. We each reflected on our role as Christians and how we were to serve others like we were doing this weekend.

At 12:30, the highly-anticipated meal finally came.

I'm usually a stickler about breaking my fast the healthy way, but at Mt. Gilead food is food. I wasn't about to pass up on grub, no matter how oily, salty or sugary it was!

After a hearty lunch, all of us headed back to the field to work finishing what we started.

There were plenty more holes to be cleaned out and sometimes a single hole would take us a whole half hour to clear.

The good thing was that we had gotten most of the hard work done before we broke fast. After eating, everybody felt groggy and less productive. I doubt we would've gotten this much done if we had started working after we ate.

After the sun set, we filed into the tuck shop again for dinner.

Pasta and only the best garlic bread EVER!

I really enjoyed all the meals because it was a time when I could sit and talk to the teens who were at my table. I really felt like I got to know some of them over this weekend. We would've never talked this much if we only saw each other in church on Sundays.

After dinner we went to Acken Hall again for a worship service and some activity. We had to write down 1) what we were grateful for and 2) what we were willing to give up for God.

I wrote 1) Everything good and bad... and 2) My dreams and hopes for the future.

Then finally came my favourite part of the whole entire weekend.

BONFIYAHHHHHH!

Marshmellows, S'mores, a roaring fire in 0 Celsius weather, bright-faced friends singing together.... Words could not express my joy at the moment.

Before going to sleep, the young adults decided to watch "To Save A Life" together in the cabin. It was our group time away from the teens.



This is the trailer for the movie.

I had wanted to watch it for some time now and I did enjoy watching it, but it's not exactly a great movie. Just a good one with a good lesson to be taught.

Sunday morning rose bright and shining with pancakes and sausages to be found on our plates. I saw oatmeal and felt like crying tears of joy.

We were going to have morning service but there simply wasn't enough time because the teens had to be back by afternoon. So... we all had to go home.

On the way back home, I passed by a gorgeous area and took an exit to see what national park or state forest I was in.

Turns out that it's the Worthington State Forest in New Jersey. I'd ALWAYS wanted to go camping there but never found an opportunity to do so. You can imagine how excited/happy I was to have stumbled upon it.

On top of that, I was at a section of the Appalachian Trail. It stretches from Virginia to Maine, almost 2200 miles (approx. 3500km) along the East coast of America.

I was SOOOOOO excited I wanted to just walk right all the way to Maine when I saw it. I've done nothing but dreamed about hiking the entire AP trail myself and I couldn't believe that I was actually standing on a piece of it.

Obviously I didn't go hiking. I don't think it's safe to do so by myself. Sometimes I wish I were a guy then I'd most definitely go off on my own. The most I did however was to hike about 200m in to take a poop.

The scenery was gorgeous and took my breath away, but it also made me super sad and nostalgic as I thought about the mountains in Washington.

It's been more than two years since I've been in the Cascades but even as I look at pictures, I can still smell the pine breeze, hear the river rushing in the background and feel the cool mountain wind whispering in my hair. It's like I can close my eyes and be right there next to the roaring river again.

Everytime I think about Washington I get so "homesick" or I guess in this case it'd be "campsick" that I don't do anything else but daydream about living there someday.

I miss it so much... even more than I miss Singapore.

I don't know.

I went to this 30 hour famine asking God to grant me some direction in my life. I guess what I really wanted was God to be specific about what He wanted me to do after graduation- so I asked Him just that. However, not only am I still answer-less, I feel almost a little more uncertain...

I know that doubt is the very thing that should not be in my mind right now. And I should continue to hope and have faith that God is not unaware of my predicament. However, I just wonder if me sitting back and "relaxing" is the right thing to do? I'm so disillusioned to the point where I'm not even applying for jobs, internships or schools because I have no idea what I want or what God wants me to want. It's like I'm stuck and stagnant, a broken record playing on repeat.

I really don't like this feeling. Please God take all these doubts and fears away from me. Take away my confusion and in place set Your will upon my heart. Help me to understand when You give me direction. Help me to hear Your voice and discern it among all the voices that are speaking to me right now. I know that the plans You have for me are to prosper me and not to harm me, to give me a hope and a future. I will put my trust in You alone and not waver.

Amen!

Lunch Post

This is what I have for lunch when I'm feeling lazy, or when there's nothing much left in the fridge. Just kimchi, porridge and egg with soy sauce.

Also reading "Invisible Man" by Ralph Ellison for my American Literature class. When I first saw the title on my syllabus a few months back, I thought it was some science fiction novel about a real invisible man, but the plot turned out to be entirely different. It's about how a black man feels invisible in his society and that's why it's called "Invisible Man'. I would've never guessed....

Anyhoot, this weekend I'm going away for something really fun yet not fun at the same time. I will take A LOT of pictures for sure; the challenge will probably be to not take too many pictures.

And well, life is going along just fine. Got a roof over my head and as you can see, food on my table so I'm not complaining.

However yesterday evening while hanging out with some friends, the topic of "what are you going to do after college" came up again. For a very popular topic in my life, it is also one of my most-disliked questions to answer. My answer is always the same: my plan is to make a plan. And just hearing those words being spoken about the future can be very disconcerting for me.

Am I really doing God's will in waiting? Is this really what He wants right now or am I supposed to be doing something else? Should I continue my studies or should I look for work? What kind of work should I look for? Where should I look for work?

My friends tried to talk me through making a plan, asking me what I thought were possible career options. After hearing my slew of completely unrelated ideas (travel guide, English teacher, general employee in some marketing department, just to name few...), they were equally stumped and simply wished me luck with a shrug.

As if I didn't see that conclusion coming!

\(^-^)/

Today & Praises

I just got back from a 70min swimming session... feeling a little bit high right now. Is there such a thing called the "swimmers' high"? Perhaps there is... But still, nothing beats the runners' high.

Doing Russian homework... I'm taking a Russian tutorial right now, which means that I don't have to go to class. I just study the material and do the homework on my own, then let my professor mark it after I'm done. If I have any questions, I can ask him at my own leisure.

Unfortunately, the new dean at school has abolished all tutorials starting next semester. This means that I can't continue with my Russian tutorial after this semester because there are no physical classes for Russian offered by the Language department. The new "no tutorials" rule has gotten the entire school faculty into an uproar because this really messes things up for many people, especially the smaller departments who don't have a great variety of classes.

But what is there to do? Money talks in this country and its voice is especially loud in the higher education sector.

My twisted ankle is getting better but you can still see slight swelling (right foot). I've been going to the trainer's and doing rehabilitation exercises for the ankle. Hopefully three weeks is all I will have to miss for running. In the meantime, I will just treat it as one nice long extended break before my final outdoor season.


..........................................................................................................................................


On another note, something really exciting is happening within the Monday Bible study. We just welcomed a new member yesterday and now we're up to three people. Next Monday we're also expecting another new girl and then we'll be up to four and maybe five if another girl decides to come as well.

This is amazing to me because well, it's just amazing. Only God could have accomplished this in other people's hearts- touching them and making them open to studying His Word. God answers prayers according to His will!

This Sunday during church, we talked about facing trials in class. It all seemed purposeful and directed at my current situation and again, I just had to thank God for speaking to me when I asked for a word from Him. We basically talked about how life isn't perfect for Christians and we will face trials along the way some time or another. But they are here to refine us like gold- so that under heat, the dirt and grime in our spirits may rise to the surface and God can then clear it away to reveal a "purer" us inside.

When I heard that, I felt my heart go warm... Like wow... God is so thoughtful that even though my sufferings aren't so terrible but He still lets me know that there is a purpose to everything that is going on in my life right now.

God's just awesome like that isn't He?


:)

Big Fail

You know those bad days that they like to show in movies? Where the leading actor/actress gets up on the wrong side of bed, spills stuff all over their clothes on the way to an interview which they mess up and then later get dumped by their lover of ten years?

Ok well, none of that happened to me today.... But it definitely felt like one of those days where everything just seemed to be going wrong.

It started with me getting a court summons in the mail, asking me to appear in court to pay 74USD for failing to pay my ticket which was due on 8th November. Honestly, if I knew that the ticket was due then, it would have been paid a long time ago; but the ticket was badly written in pencil and you can barely read anything on it so I thought the due date was 13th not 8th November. I paid my ticket on the 10th... And I only paid it this late because when I tried to pay it back in October, it wasn't entered in the system yet. So technically, I couldn't even pay the ticket until probably beginning of November- and even when I called in to pay, the phone lines were so jammed that it would take me 1.5 hours of being on hold without being able to talk to any official! I was trying to call firstly to find out how much the ticket cost because like I said, everything on the ticket was barely readable. I didn't find that out until 7th Nov and even then the official didn't even bother to tell me that the due date was the next day!!!

Sigh.... I can plead "not guilty" to the charge if I want to, and avoid paying the extra 74USD on top of the 74USD I already paid for the ticket itself... But is it really worth the time and effort? What if the judge gets pissed and I have to pay extra on top of that?

This ticket really came at a bad time because I had just spent almost all my money the night before. Unavoidable circumstances...

Ok so the ticket's one thing- then my car had to be fixed at the mechanic's today and thank God my mom said she'd pay for it. But the bill ended up being 271USD instead of 176USD!!! You can imagine my parents' expressions when they heard the amount due. I felt really bad and helpless... Like it's my fault- I'm already sucking up so much of their savings for school and now my car too. As a result, I didn't dare to ask them about a studying abroad program that I was looking at.

Ok so half my morning goes by and I'm sitting home doing homework until afternoon. Then I decided to go for my usual 70min run on the Green Ribbon Trail nearby.

I barely ran for 5 minutes when my right foot slipped off a tree root hidden underneath a bed of leaves and twisted underneath my weight.

I hobbled back to my car, being able to walk but feeling pain when I tried to jog even slowly. Then I just sat in my car and cried like an idiot. I was so upset you have no idea. And so many thoughts were going through my head like, is this punishment for something? Is God punishing me? Or is it because God wants me to rest from running, or is God trying to teach me something? Like WHAT IS IT? WHY DO I HAVE TO SPRAIN MY ANKLE NOW?

I was so frustrated. I've only been training consecutively for 12 weeks now and finally feel like I'm back in shape and getting into the groove... when this has to happen. It was like my world was crashing down around me. I know it sounds rather dramatic, like how bad could it be- it's just a twisted ankle right? But to me, a twisted ankle means probably missing out on 3-4 weeks of quality training, which means that by the time I start training properly again, I'll be back at square one. It's like the past 12 weeks that I trained so hard didn't matter at all. It's all going down the drain.

I think I cried not because it hurt or I was frustrated, but I was mourning the loss of those 12 weeks of hard work that I had put in.

I talked to Khadeen afterwards, sobbing in the car and she told me that I had to stop being so negative about my injury. Coming from a person that had to miss her entire first year of track due to surgery, I kinda had to listen to that.

And I know she's right. I'm so afraid that this is going to be a repeat of 2008 where my injuries basically ruined me for the rest of the year- but this year doesn't have to be that way. I learnt a lot from that year, about what to do and what not to do while being injured and I could definitely apply it to this incident.

Besides, it's not a very serious sprain. It's a moderate sprain and it'll probably take about a month to fully recover. All I have to do is be patient and let it heal instead of trying to be a smartass and working out before it's healed, or getting depressed and pigging out.

I was so upset by the time dinner swung around that I barely ate anything.

Two hours later I was bingeing on pineapples, ba gua and cheesepuffs.

Now I feel like a bloated cow- depressed also because I didn't get my endorphin high for the day.

You know even as I type this all out, I can't help but feel that this is all very stupid. I mean, they're such silly little problems compared to the ones other people have. There are people out there who will never recover from their leg injuries, who don't have the kind of financial support I have and who just don't have God in their lives.

But I have the gift of life! And I have the Holy Spirit in me.

I know at times like these all I can really do is to turn to God and put my trust in Him, give up all my problems to Him. I can't get my ankle to heal nor can I magically turn my financial situation around. Yet I have faith that He sees all these things and knows all the troubles that I have. I know good days don't last forever and there is One who sticks closer than a friend in times of trouble.

Lord I ask that during this time You will lift me up in Your hands and carry me through. You're able to do all things wonderful in my life. Let all these situations be a way for You to be glorified through me. Let all praise and worship be given unto You because You alone have the power to save. You are the Author and Finisher of my faith! I give up all these burdens to you and take on Yours because your yoke is easy to bear. Praise God for the eternal hope I have in You!

:)

When the road ahead is suddenly darkened, that's when God's light can shine more brightly. I just need more faith to step in His direction because I can't see what's before me...

Suffering For Christ

Talk about a cold dreary day.

My classes went by so slowly I felt as if time had stood still and I'd be stuck there forever.

But after my classes ended time flew by so quickly that I didn't even realise when it got dark outside. And it gets dark really early these days, especially after we switched our clocks one hour back for Daylight Saving on Sunday. Our days will be getting shorter and shorter until 22nd December when the whole thing reverses and the days get longer again.

Today's Bible study was a little intense.

The guy who was supposed to come didn't come, but it turned out to be a good thing because that allowed Khadeen and I to talk about much more personal things. We poured out our hearts to God and the devil tried so hard during those hours to distract our minds, to pollute our environment.

But PRAISE GOD! He delivered us from the machinations of the evil one and spoke truth into our hearts. I feel like we got a lot out of today's Bible study even though we didn't really go through the devotional or study a particular verse. Instead we used the time to pour out our weaknesses to God, to surrender and to say that we can't do anything on our own.

Khadeen left, but the battle wages on even now. Please pray for me if you are reading this. I ask that God will lift me up in this trying time, that He will set His word upon my lips and pour out His overpowering love in my heart. Nothing shall come between me and the love of my saviour!

Though the world around me mocks and tries to tear me down, I will stand fast in the truth, I will hold on to my faith in Christ. I will rejoice in my sufferings because suffering produces perseverance, perseverance character and character hope; and hope will not disappoint me because God has poured out His love into my heart by the Holy Spirit who lives in me. -Romans 5:3-5

Less of me and more of You oh Lord!

Praises and Voices

Praise God for finding me a parking spot miraculously! He answered my ridiculous prayer AGAIN. I am just so amazed at how He always provides a lot when it just seems completely impossible...

Anyway I just got back to school from Pennsylvania- it's been a nice long weekend. I spent time with the family and church people but I didn't seem to get a lot of homework done.

However the greatest thing is that God spoke to my heart again this weekend.

The first thing He told me on Thursday night that it was NOT ok that I take Sunday "off" from church to go watch the NYC Marathon. Up to this point, I had justified going to the marathon with excuses like "but it only happens once a year and I may never get to watch it again", "I can always go to church at 18:30 in New Jersey", "it's only one Sunday", etc. However God very clearly spoke to me through Thursday's Bible study that it wasn't ok to justify any sin at all, and me missing church on Sunday is an act of choosing something else over God.

God laid His life down for me, but can't I even give Him my Sundays?

I was instantly convicted in my spirit and my guilt drove me to confess my sin and stay for church on Sunday instead of driving back up to New York on Saturday night.

I can't believe that it wasn't too long ago that I had missed church on Sunday and I am already tempted again to do it. I feel so weak! But PRAISE GOD that He opened my eyes and gave me the strength and desire to overcome this sin.

On another matter, I've been asking God for some answers regarding friendships that aren't going well and God spoke to my heart on Saturday night as I was reading His Word. He brought me to Luke 18:9-14 which is a parable that Jesus told about the Pharisee and the tax collector.

Long story short, the Holy Spirit again pinpointed the problem that I've been asking Him to reveal. And it turns out that the problem is one that I've known all along- pride.

I have so much pride in me, the kind of pride that is so malignant that I have mastered even the subtle art of putting someone else down without actually voicing it. Elevating myself over others, whether in attitude, thought, speech or action, there is just so much pride blocking God's work in my friendships.

On Sunday God again reiterated this point by bringing up the same exact verse in Bible study class. It brought goosebumps to my skin.

Honestly, I keep asking God to beat down my pride but I can't help but feel it rise up in me even as I pray. It just seems cloud my mind up so much and I hate that I can't see past it.

I will continue to cry out to God to deliver me from this horrible sinful behaviour because I know that this will lead to death and destruction. I choose LIFE! I won't give up asking God to deliver me because I know He will be faithful to answer my prayer like He's answered all my other prayers- and how much more will He give unto me if I am asking according to His will?

Tomorrow evening I'll be conducting Bible study in my dorm room again. This time we're expecting a new addition to the group so hopefully things will run smoothly. I pray that the Lord will give us guidance and wisdom to spread His truth the way He intended it. I praise God for the opportunity to be bearers of His Word. We are blessed indeed to be entrusted with the very source of LIFE!

Oh yes another thing.

Again, money keeps appearing miraculously. The craziest thing is that I haven't been working at all but money just keeps coming when I need it. This to me is amazing testimony of God's grace and provision. He is aware always of all of our needs and He takes care of His sheep.

Praise God praise god PRAISE GOD!

Burning Midnight Oil & Painting Nails

Last night was a really unpleasant night. Or should I say this morning?

I started my seven page paper around 23:00 on Tuesday night and finally finished it at 05:30 Wednesday morning. Sleep lasted until around 08:30 and I still ended up being 10 minutes late for my first class at 09:00.

This day definitely did not begin on a right note.

In the afternoon, I lost my appetite and couldn't really concentrate on anything. My head felt as if it were full of mucus sloshing around. Oh wait, my head IS filled with mucus sloshing around. Yeah but today the sloshing felt much more intense.

So... what have I learnt from this disastrous experience?

For one, I've temporarily lost the desire to procrastinate. Although I was really tired just now, I still managed to get a lot of work and reading done. Sure, I went on Facebook every now and then but after a few minutes I'd get really sick of it and want to do my homework again.

While this productive spell lasts, I hope to get as much work done as possible.

I still haven't started researching properly for my thesis (which is due March 2011) and already feel like time is running out. For one, everyone else doing an honours' thesis is either halfway done or finished with their work. Knowing that makes me so nervous and stressed you have no idea... But I simply don't have the time to do everything right now.

As I'm typing I'm waiting for my toenails to dry. They've been looking quite chewed up for the past few months now, what with all the running and wearing open-toed sandals. I won't even put up pictures because you might puke and I don't want you to ruin your clothes.

But they look right polished and peachy now that I've cleaned and pedicured them. The only reason why I'm doing this is because I started noticing an increase of people staring disgustedly at my toes. Not that I care what they think about my toes, but I treat it almost as public service on my part. Just as I appreciate when people slop on deodorant, I will do my part and paint over my purple jagged toenails.

Anyway life is pretty routine at the moment.

Bible study every Monday, swimming class on Wednesday, C.L.I.M.B. on Thursdays and church on Sundays.

Speaking of swimming class- as you know my goal was just to master the freestyle during these two months. However I did not expect to learn it so quickly. As a result of the unprecedented progress, my instructor has decided to teach me other stuff like backstroke (learnt this today) and flipping against the wall. I'm so excited! I never thought I'd be able to do more than freestyle...

So yeah anyway just a little wordy recap of these few days.

La di da that's all folks, more next time.

:)