It's an hour to midnight and I'm sitting here at my desk wolfing down, not sipping, hot chocolate. Outside, it's zero degree weather but there are beads of sweat forming on my forehead. My room feels like a sauna but I don't want to keep the windows cranked open because I can smell the rubbish bins around the corner downstairs.
Yesterday something really bad happened to me.
At practice, I felt unusually good while sprinting, like I was back in good shape to train. Not only was I keeping up with Telly who was usually in front of me, I was also passing her by the second-to-last 800m interval. Things were great and my spirits were soaring. The dull pain in my stomach even felt pleasant because I knew I was getting better.
However, with 100m to go on the last interval, I suddenly felt my right foot give way under me and sharp pain ensued from my ankle. I didn't trip over anything... my shins just couldn't stand the stress from the sharp turns of the indoor track.
As I fell to the side, yelping in pain and crying angry tears, I sensed a sort of bitterness come over me.
Why?
The sound of that question rang hard in my ears, like a morning alarm that would not go off.
That thought was quickly followed by "it's not fair" and "I'll never be able to get a personal record this outdoor season I guess".
I sat there and I wept hard.
Tears of self-pity, helplessness, loss and futility rolled down my cheeks like I was five years old again. My teammates gathered around me to give me sympathy pats but that just made me more upset. I don't want sympathy, I WANT TO RUN!
When I finally stood up and felt throbbing pain shoot through my ankle and shins, I realised that I probably wouldn't be running for the whole week to come.
Night fell and I was thinking about how bad things come in multiples when I happened to read this:
"If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and He will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if He does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." (Daniel 3:17-18)
What struck me most was that these faithful men of God- Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were willing to obey God not just in the face of certain death but even in the presence of doubt.
"Even if He does not [save us]... we will not serve your gods". What a statement to make!
For those who do not know, what happens later is that the men are indeed thrown into the furnace but God comes to their rescue and the king, amazed at God's saving power, decrees that if anyone says bad things against the God of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, that person will be destroyed "for no other god can save in this way." (Daniel 3:29)
I realised that the reason I was so upset about spraining my ankle again was because I seriously doubted that God would fully heal me in time to run a sub-20 minute 5k race for outdoor season. This doubt has been making me shortchange what I do at practice because it seems as if there's no point to work hard since I won't be able to reap the full benefits by May anyway.
Doing all that I need to be doing, rehabilitation, daily workouts and cross training in the pool and on the bike takes up a lot of time daily. I could be spending close to 5 hours per day just doing track stuff and that's a lot of sacrifice for me this semester.
It's times like now when I seriously question, what's the point of running track?
But I sense now a question being asked back to me... "are you going to trust in Me even with the possibility of failure?"
I want to say yes, because I know that God is good all the time and that no matter what, as long as I cling on to His Word, He will fulfill His promises to me. Faithfulness is just who He is.
But God never promised that He would help me run a sub-20min 5k... Yet that is what I really want. I could cry just thinking about it right now. All four years of running and now that I'm finally physically able to do it, I just can't!
My dad and Eileen have told me recently that I need to start praying specifically but that scares me because the more specific my prayers get, the more I doubt and wonder about whether it's really God's will, or just me being selfish.
I mean, what could me running a sub-20min 5k have anything to do with God's will?
Sigh...
If you read this please pray for me. I'm tired and I've got more homework to do now before I head to bed.
Goodnight!
Yesterday something really bad happened to me.
At practice, I felt unusually good while sprinting, like I was back in good shape to train. Not only was I keeping up with Telly who was usually in front of me, I was also passing her by the second-to-last 800m interval. Things were great and my spirits were soaring. The dull pain in my stomach even felt pleasant because I knew I was getting better.
However, with 100m to go on the last interval, I suddenly felt my right foot give way under me and sharp pain ensued from my ankle. I didn't trip over anything... my shins just couldn't stand the stress from the sharp turns of the indoor track.
As I fell to the side, yelping in pain and crying angry tears, I sensed a sort of bitterness come over me.
Why?
The sound of that question rang hard in my ears, like a morning alarm that would not go off.
That thought was quickly followed by "it's not fair" and "I'll never be able to get a personal record this outdoor season I guess".
I sat there and I wept hard.
Tears of self-pity, helplessness, loss and futility rolled down my cheeks like I was five years old again. My teammates gathered around me to give me sympathy pats but that just made me more upset. I don't want sympathy, I WANT TO RUN!
When I finally stood up and felt throbbing pain shoot through my ankle and shins, I realised that I probably wouldn't be running for the whole week to come.
Night fell and I was thinking about how bad things come in multiples when I happened to read this:
"If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and He will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if He does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." (Daniel 3:17-18)
What struck me most was that these faithful men of God- Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were willing to obey God not just in the face of certain death but even in the presence of doubt.
"Even if He does not [save us]... we will not serve your gods". What a statement to make!
For those who do not know, what happens later is that the men are indeed thrown into the furnace but God comes to their rescue and the king, amazed at God's saving power, decrees that if anyone says bad things against the God of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, that person will be destroyed "for no other god can save in this way." (Daniel 3:29)
I realised that the reason I was so upset about spraining my ankle again was because I seriously doubted that God would fully heal me in time to run a sub-20 minute 5k race for outdoor season. This doubt has been making me shortchange what I do at practice because it seems as if there's no point to work hard since I won't be able to reap the full benefits by May anyway.
Doing all that I need to be doing, rehabilitation, daily workouts and cross training in the pool and on the bike takes up a lot of time daily. I could be spending close to 5 hours per day just doing track stuff and that's a lot of sacrifice for me this semester.
It's times like now when I seriously question, what's the point of running track?
But I sense now a question being asked back to me... "are you going to trust in Me even with the possibility of failure?"
I want to say yes, because I know that God is good all the time and that no matter what, as long as I cling on to His Word, He will fulfill His promises to me. Faithfulness is just who He is.
But God never promised that He would help me run a sub-20min 5k... Yet that is what I really want. I could cry just thinking about it right now. All four years of running and now that I'm finally physically able to do it, I just can't!
My dad and Eileen have told me recently that I need to start praying specifically but that scares me because the more specific my prayers get, the more I doubt and wonder about whether it's really God's will, or just me being selfish.
I mean, what could me running a sub-20min 5k have anything to do with God's will?
Sigh...
If you read this please pray for me. I'm tired and I've got more homework to do now before I head to bed.
Goodnight!
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