The Lord giveth and taketh away...
This has never really taken root deep in my soul until this past year or so.
Today I felt it again- the helplessness and weakness underlying my being as I realise what a fragile line I tread everyday.
After reading this article about the reasons why the numbers of women pursuing academic careers in math and science are declining (main reason being that academic careers aren't very rewarding in terms of pay and return), I feel a little unanchored again.
And it's that very feeling of being unanchored that is so humbling.
It reminds me of how limited I am in every way; how pathetic and how very tiny I am in this vast world.
Just when I start to feel in control, I start to lose things that have once made me feel close to invincible. It's like God is constantly letting me know that I should lean on Him and not on my own capabilities. Mostly because my ability to control circumstances are supremely limited.
And feeling this way when I go to sleep and when I wake up each morning is, as you can imagine, extremely disheartening.
I've been feeling this way for quite some time now. First it was the horrible ending of a relationship, then there was a whole hullaballoo about finding my feet and a new apartment again, then there was having to work to support my new way of living, then there was school and having to balance work and track along with it.
And as the months pass, not only do these "problems" seem to multiply, but I also seem to fall into new ugly situations every now and then.
But yet throughout all these fluctuations, I'm still walking the fine line.
Sometimes I wish I had never gone to a liberal arts college and taken all these random classes like philosophy, psychology, political science, art, etc. Because of all these classes, I've come to many realisations about life in general, and sad to say, most of these realisations aren't pretty.
This has never really taken root deep in my soul until this past year or so.
Today I felt it again- the helplessness and weakness underlying my being as I realise what a fragile line I tread everyday.
After reading this article about the reasons why the numbers of women pursuing academic careers in math and science are declining (main reason being that academic careers aren't very rewarding in terms of pay and return), I feel a little unanchored again.
And it's that very feeling of being unanchored that is so humbling.
It reminds me of how limited I am in every way; how pathetic and how very tiny I am in this vast world.
Just when I start to feel in control, I start to lose things that have once made me feel close to invincible. It's like God is constantly letting me know that I should lean on Him and not on my own capabilities. Mostly because my ability to control circumstances are supremely limited.
And feeling this way when I go to sleep and when I wake up each morning is, as you can imagine, extremely disheartening.
I've been feeling this way for quite some time now. First it was the horrible ending of a relationship, then there was a whole hullaballoo about finding my feet and a new apartment again, then there was having to work to support my new way of living, then there was school and having to balance work and track along with it.
And as the months pass, not only do these "problems" seem to multiply, but I also seem to fall into new ugly situations every now and then.
But yet throughout all these fluctuations, I'm still walking the fine line.
Sometimes I wish I had never gone to a liberal arts college and taken all these random classes like philosophy, psychology, political science, art, etc. Because of all these classes, I've come to many realisations about life in general, and sad to say, most of these realisations aren't pretty.
Most people will never have these feelings because they can simply choose to ignore and shut information out in order to live the way they want to without the burden of guilt.
But how can I continue using plastic if all my research has proven it to be overwhelmingly bad for mine and for other people's health and for the environment? Doing so would make me a blind, selfish and lazy idiot wouldn't it? I mean, how can you in your right mind, understand what science understands now and still continue consuming plastic? Do we think this stuff is going to just disappear miraculously from the face of the earth someday?
And how can I work in a financial company when I believe that the use of debt/credit is utter bollocks? I can't call these so-called "customers" and try to sell them refinancing plans without feeling like a complete and utter hypocrite. How can I continue studying anything when I'm starting to feel like everything we're learning is just a whole bunch of unfounded "truths"?
Why should probabilities be calculable? Aren't they all just 50/50? Something either happens or it doesn't. A coin either lands on its head or tail. You either get rain or no rain. Have you ever experienced a 40% chance of rain? No, because it either rains or it doesn't. But still I sit in my statistics class and I churn out long numbers after generating them through a string of equations which I don't believe in.
And because I cannot belief in something and live according to another philosophy, I am having quite a hard time just living life and going through the motions right now. There are just so many things that I don't belief in doing anymore.
I am in the midst of more drastic changes and I don't even know where to start or if this will ever end.
More and more I feel doors slamming in my face in terms of what I can and cannot do.
It is true--- information is burden. If you have any morals at all.
I'm letting mine take over me and there is no turning back.
I just need to keep my eyes focused on the ultimate goal to get the small things done.
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