Давай Практика

Сегодня, я напрактикую записать на русском. Да, я правда очень плохо говорю по-русский, но я могу практика. Но немного только.

Если нет....

Ах блин....

一个人到底能学几种语言呢？无论是俄语，法语，或是中文，我都很感兴趣。尤其是遇见能说这些语言的人时，我都会想跟他们聊天说笑。但要真正地用心全力去学这些语言对我来说，的确是一个挑战。

我觉得，如果经常用中文的话，那我就一定会进步。无论是在写还是读，最重要的是要用。不用的话，再几年中我一定会把它完全给忘掉。

那么，准备多读我可笑的华文吧-- 惠敏！《写对了吗？》

今天是我三位朋友的生日。幸好他们三位都会读华文。

首先，让我祝你们，Eileen, Isaac and Nicole, 生日快乐！

Eileen, Isaac, 我已经认识你们很久了。从小到大，我们都是每个星期天在教堂一起读圣经。没想到，过了二十年，我们虽然没有在圣堂一起唱歌，但我们还是要好的朋友。我祝你们在神的爱怀里一直成长，天天接近他。让我们勇敢地面对生活挑战吧！

And Nicole, who knows if you still come here, but if you do, 生日快乐！希望你将来会找到自己的幸福，生命中的快乐。到时，不要把我经常告诉你的话给忘了。你需要聊的时候，我都会在Skype的。Haha.

今天星期天，我只想在家里腐烂。

But it's a really nice day and I would love to go to the beach.

我发风了

大家好。

这会是我地一次用华文写博客。其使，这是我在五年来的地一次用华文写操过几个句子的文章。如果我有写错了一些字，让我先说声对不起！我真的是对不起了中国五千多年的丰富传统《是五千多年吗？》，和我小学老师们的仔细教导。有很多基本的字，我一经把它们给忘了干干净净的。

当我十六岁离新加坡到美国时，我真的很感谢上帝给我这么一个好机会让我能放齐这可污的语言。但是，现在我是多么地想要多一个机会飞去中国住几月，学好自己的母语。

当妈妈和我在超级市场或在购物中心里走走时，我们经常会用华语交通。反正，这里的人都听不懂；用华语讲话比较方便。由其是讲偷偷话时。

可是，我一想要写信给洪老师或外婆时，我什么都不会。

那，你问，我今天怎么会写那么多字呢？我告诉你，汉语拼音是我的救命者！当我写信时，我大部分的字都是拼音写的，所以不算。如果没有电脑，我恐怕连《大家》两个字都不会写。

你说丢脸不丢脸？

咳。写了那么多字，我头也痛了。改天在聊吧。　

再见。

Happy Birthday

Just another ordinary day.

I'm now two decades old. My mom had me when she was around this age. Now I know what she felt like when she had me-- being still so naive about the world and yet slightly hardened against its sufferings.

Now I understand the pressure my father probably felt as he entered manhood and had to find a way to earn a living.

Now I see how one can feel so young, so old, so happy and so sad--- all at once.

Goodbye teenage years.

Why do I feel so sad all of a sudden?

Breakaway

Something big is about to happen in my life.

I just pray that He leads me every step of the way and never lets me go.

It's time to let the light shine.

First step: Detoxification.

Memorial Day

I've slowed down a lot in blogging haven't I?

You would think that my brain has simply decided to shrivel or vegetate after the ending of school. But in reality, it is simply overwhelmed with the sudden influx of thought trains, all running through the station of my mind- unattended and unrestrained.

In case you didn't know, tomorrow is Memorial Day here in the U.S., and Christians here generally agree that while they don't support war, they should still support the soldiers that are fighting or have fought.

But as they started praying for the "support of the troops" while a man dressed in military uniform marched down the aisle with a bright American flag today in church, I felt so much horror, confusion and pain in my heart that I simply left the congregation.

Jesus has already given us a new commandment. He says in John 13:34-- "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

As I sat there, I couldn't help imagining all the millions of destroyed lives sitting in the church right there with us as the flag marched down the aisle. Which one of those orphaned children, broken men and women, would praise the name of the Lord Jesus then as we "supported the troops" even though we didn't support the war?

If I were them, I would hate the Christians even more. I would never want to be associated with these people who preached love but supported an army that destroyed everything I ever knew.

I burned with hate for the hypocrisy of it all.

We say war is bad and we have Jesus' commandment (which applies to all things in life, not just small situations), but still we hang on to something that will simply destroy our Christian honour in the view of the Iraqis, Vietnamese, N. Koreans and all the other oppressed nations that Americans don't even know about.

As Christians under the authority of Jesus, we should understand by now the fruitlessness of fighting physical earthly battles. And if we already know it, why do we still support fragments of it?

The battles we are commissioned to fight are spiritual wars, which can only be won through trusting, obeying and believing in the Lord Jesus. I know some people will say that in the Bible, God shows many examples where he supports war and fighting. But that is in the Old Testament, before Jesus came and won ALL BATTLES for us through his death on the cross.

Now our victory lies in Him and only Him, not in our advanced weaponry and military tactics.

If one cannot serve both God and Money, I'm sure you cannot serve both Jesus and War. This is black and white we're talking about.

Here in a safe country with no scenes of war played on the television except in scripted movies, the page is a complete gray blank.

Our sense of right and wrong is now so clogged with caffeine, bright celebrity smiles, the latest summer fashions and NBA scores that we have effectively managed to forget what a bloody blown up body looks like. Or what the terror of being randomly bombed down in your own village feels like.

Well you know what? Here's a reminder.

I'd like to see somebody tell these people that us Christians in America didn't mean for this to happen to them because we love them, and we're gonna support the people who are operating the machines of war anyway because they have no choice- its their job. And I'd like to see someone accuse them of 9/11 while they wail in pain.

How can I tell my fellow countryman at war that I support him even though what I feel he's doing is wrong? Aren't I giving him mixed messages? I'm pretty much saying- go ahead, do what you like, because even though it's wrong, I love you anyway and I'll condone it for you.

You know what, Jesus is more important that anybody in this world. Even family. Jesus did not say to shun your family, but this is the perfect example to show where that command would come in.

I think as Christians, so that we can be in all ways blameless, we should never be mean or evil or contemptuous towards servicemen, but with grace, patience and politeness, refuse to show support for their efforts in the war.

Who would you choose?

What will you tell Him when you have to account for your life?

I hope you have something really good up your sleeve because as they say, it's better to live your life as if there were a God and to find out later that there was none, than to live your life as if there were no God and to find out later that there is one.

Going Nowhere

What is this life that we live?

Where have all the simple pleasures gone?

We slave and slave away in school and at work in hope of a life in apartments in streets with no trees, grasses... No rivers or wild meadows for the children to run in...

We move forward towards a future where our land will be poisoned beyond repair, the rivers too toxic to even touch, the sky too brown, the air too smokey to watch the stars at night.

What am I learning in college now anyway that is really of use to anybody?

At night the beats pump hard at the nightclubs and bars. The people look super glamorous and like they are having the time of their lives. But what a fragile surface happiness that is!

And while malls used to be fun, now it just makes me sick and dizzy. I can't explain this feeling.

All I know is, the pleasure of being useful and a blessing to someone else, is an infinitely better pleasure than being more beautiful, powerful, richer or wealthier than someone else.

They can go revel in their high fashion, sex and partying. I am so sick of it--- I just want to get away from it all. I don't care if I have no money, no "future", no nothing.

The greatest people to ever live on this earth that are worth any of our respect are not the billionaires who do good works according to the proportion of their wealth, but the people who had nothing, but still gave it their all.

Boo To My GPA

Last night before I fell asleep, it suddenly hit me that my horrible grades this semester might really make an impact on my scholarship. Meaning, I could possibly lose it.

It was a horrible sinking feeling as I lay there thinking about how disappointed everybody is going to be in me. Even worse was how disappointed I felt in myself. I'm already about to lose two thirds of my athletic scholarship thanks to coach pulling me out of indoor and outdoor seasons for next year. I tried thinking about how differently I could have done things but my brain has already efficiently removed most traces of this last semester. It seems like a million years ago.

So just I lay there and lay there and lay there... Wondering if this was it; the end. Am I going to just float through life being a nobody, doing nothing?

Then a thought came up, that I don't even know what I want to do yet.

In fact, thanks to college, I now despise more subjects than ever before-- not because the lessons are difficult, but because I understand them even more now and can't justify having a career doing something that I believe is largely flawed.

For example, economics is largely founded on statistics. Economists review statistical data, then try to formulate theories. But obviously since there is no way to ever collect accurate data (everything in statistics is pretty much assumed), then how can you formulate theories? And how can you predict the future? You can't. And how dare you argue with other people to try to prove your theory when from the very start, your statistical data is just a bunch of assumptions?

I don't even feel like understanding all these theories now just because I already know they base it off a bunch of assumptions. I know you can't include all the factors into one equation because they are just too many and the model will become too complicated for macroeconomics, but if you can't do that, then why bother?

Maybe it's just me.

But me is losing interest in everything... And I don't know if that's good or bad. So far this sapping of interest seems to be bad because my grades are slipping...

Friday Afternoon

How nice.

Even though rain was forecasted for the rest of this week and the next, the sun is currently beating down so hard outside that I sweated like a pig in my car.

How lovely to sweat like a pig again! Before, I was freezing like a popsicle.. There's nothing like a good subzero winter to make you appreciate such warm weather.

I'm going to work in a few... Then back to PA tonight!

:)

Thoughts Before Midnight

Everyday I am reminded about the fragility of my very self.

80 miles per hour in slashing rain at night with low visibility. One wrong move on the road and my life could end.

Bad grades, bad finances, bad everything- but I am joyful in the Lord. Because even in the worst of situations, I know I have His Love. And there is nothing more comforting than the knowledge that the One who created the heavens and placed the mountains where they are, cares for me.

And because of my beliefs, I am already starting to lose.

I am losing friends, money and all sorts of other things that used to be important to me.

But the funny thing is, I have gained so much more in return for losing. I have witnessed God's unfailing faithfulness in providing for my every need. Whether they were material needs such as food and clothes or money, he provided amply. He provided strength when I felt so mentally weak. When I lost all motivation (which was almost everyday), he gave me the will to push on. He gave me the confidence to walk through life as a loser and the patience to drive peacefully during rush hour. He gave me hope through hopeless situations and comfort in my darkest nights.

Everything in my life is getting more precarious.

I always imagined that life would get better as I grew older. I'd get a stable job, live a stable life, and enjoy a multitude of nice things alongside work. This doesn't seem to be the case anymore. But what the pastor said last night was true. God did not put me on this earth to be happy. Happiness is not the object of my existence, but rather, living for God is. And it is only by living according to God's will that we can attain lasting riches- true joy in the spirit.

It doesn't matter where I end up in the future. As long as I live for Christ, it is enough.

Your Love Sets Me Free

The charger for my laptop arrived yesterday, giving me the luxury of checking my email from home again.

During these two weeks of inconvenient computer use, I've regained the habit of reading incessantly and I'm not about to let it go. I'm not even interested in using the Internet that much anymore. I just feel like it's a waste of my time.

I'd rather go to the beach and read my "Anna Karenina".

It's strange.

I don't like shopping anymore; neither do I enjoy reading magazines. I was at a tanning salon yesterday waiting for my friend to get done and splayed out in front of me were piles of glossy magazines that I would've loved to pore over before.

But staring at those glamorous covers, all I could think about were the 14 year old models, the fake "fashion people" and just an endless list of not-nice things that magazines now remind me of.

I couldn't even bear to look at the covers without feeling like some sort of plastic hypocrite so I went back to "Anna Karenina".

Tolstoy is really a master in literature, and I find "Anna Karenina" to be one of his finest works. Instead of the usual guilty pleasures like "Confessions of a Shopaholic" or "He's Just Not That Into You" that girls so like to read before bedtime these days, "Anna Karenina" combines drama, philosophical thoughts, economic theory derivation, discussions on religion and various other aspects of life that people out of exasperation have more or less decided to ignore these days.

This book gives me great pleasure particularly through the character of Konstantin Levin, with whom I share a great number of musings. It was a very pleasant surprise to read about muddled thoughts that I've had for a long time in clearly-pieced sentences.

Am I a communist at heart? I decline to think so. Communism and Christianity may share certain traits, but the two are entirely different in many ways.

And like Levin, I am starting to really firmly grasp the necessity of connecting my actions with my speech and thoughts.

I'm in the process of being "de-hypocritised".

And getting closer to God every single day.

1st Beach Day 2009

Something beautiful happened yesterday.

Out of boredom, I drove to the beach and went for a liberating run along the edges of the water. Afterwards, I jumped into the sea and swam for a bit while curious old people stared at me from the boardwalk.

It's still a little cold for the beach I guess, with temperatures averaging at 18 Celsius.

But it wasn't an issue for me. Neither was the strong breeze.

All because it was my first day at the beach all year! And to think that I wasn't at the beach at all last summer except on the very last day of summer......

Some old Jewish guy tried to pick me up-- but that's another story.

Why oh why did I keep myself away from my favourite thing for so long???

I must've been out of my mind.

But now saltwater and sand-grazed feet have restored me.
I even got a little farmers' tan.
I don't need or want anything else.
Just being at the beach is enough.

F.Y.I.

I'm still alive!

Say Ooh La La

One more final to go on Monday and it's all over!

But I don't actually want it to be over.

I realised that I actually like going to school. There are so many classes that I want to take, but only such and such a period of time. I wish I could afford more years of college- I would definitely take nursing, art, english, physics and more math.

Laaaa whatever. I'll make do with what I have.

It's rainy out but this song gets me high!!!

Statistical Life

Life as I know it- how long will it last?

The spring rains are sweeping across this town and city with a ferocious intent to wipe out every stabbing memory of winter cold. But every now and then, a slight breeze returns the sickening feeling...

Why should I even begin to think that life will turn out the way I'd envisioned it to a few years from now?

Living in the mathematical certainty of economic forecasts, timed meetings, weather predictions, statistical data, organised crime and carefully formulated medicines--- I'm surprised that the increase in life's uncertainties have not yet begun to fester in our perceptions.

We stuff an umbrella under our arms because rain is forecasted. But how often have we stepped out and found a sky-full of sunshine instead?

Our economists are so full with statistics, theories, formulae and definitions; but even a century after the Panic of 1907, we still see the same predictable patterns that manage to bring down the economy time and again.

Statistics statistics. Ah statistics.

And how often have we heard stories of victory against the biggest odds?

Say you were standing with one foot in the oven and one foot in an ice bucket. According to the percentage people, you should be perfectly comfortable. ~Bobby Bragan, 1963

Definition of Statistics: The science of producing unreliable facts from reliable figures. ~Evan Esar

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies. ~Stephen Leacock

Who knows how life will be a second from now?

Nobody knows, a vast majority seem to think we do... But oh how precarious are our lives on this little planet- just a drop in the vast sea of the universe.

Now that school is over and all I have is my books and my cat for entertainment, I'm worried. What will this itchy restlessness drive me to do? I'm already starting to have some really extraordinary dreams just like the ones I used to have when I was 7 or 8.

I'm starting to see the faces of people I wish I could talk to again.

I never see people now unless they are passerbys on the street or some unknown figure in the library.

My whole world now is a world of books and paper, wet running shoes and a black furry ball of claws and meows.

When I flush the toilet, I think about where its contents are rushing towards. When I walk through the rows and rows of shiny wrapped goods in the grocery store, I feel as if some plastic apocalypse is about to happen but I'm not sure when or how. When I hear the voices of women praising God from across the street, I wonder how much longer will we be able to enjoy the luxury of living as unpersecuted Christians.

I've had my bible for 12 years now- a black leatherbound gift from my father. I still remember exactly where I was and who I was when he first bought it for me.

Will there be a time when I hold the bible more precious than its contents? I pray not.

Will there be a time when I hold the body more precious than life itself? I pray not.

I pray and guard myself against all these things, until it's my time to go.

Life Without Laptop

It rained all day at the meet yesterday.

And just like that, outdoor season ended for good.

There were no death bells ringing nor white roses draping the exit of racing from my life, but I felt its severity deeply. Now that everything is over, I can't help but wonder what wonderful plans God has for me for the summer.

I'll only be competing during cross country season now, instead of doing cross country, indoor and outdoor. With such a large chunk of freedom handed back to me, I can't quite decide which is more overwhelming- the sensation of loss or the excitement of opportunity.

Only time can tell.

One exam down- five to go.

Thanks to the unfortunate death of my laptop charger, I have been driven to desperate boredom-reducing measures during non-studying times such as reading my CHINESE DICTIONARY!

That's right.
The world is topsy-turvy and pigs can definitely fly now.

I figure this can only mean good things for my quest to conquer my summer reading list (which has now bordered on 54 and growing). Not to mention- this will drive me to train harder since I'd rather run in the rain than mope at home in the silent absence of Korean dramas......

Another book, another world...

T.G.I.F.!

Dead dead dead tired.

Work last night was incredible. I don't think there are any celebrities left besides Britney Spears and Lauren Conrad whom I haven't seen in real life now.

But after all of yesterday's excitement, today certainly seems a tad drab. The sky is grey, a pile of work sits next to my bed waiting...

But that's ok. In a week or so, it shall all be over!

In the meantime, my laptop is still M.I.A., which means no pictures. Boo hoo hoo.