Cape News

One of my favourite things to do these days is to lay a cloth on the grass and let the baby roll around on it. It's one of the only times in the day when I get to relax and enjoy whatever view I have. Not to mention, I have the happiest baby in the world right next to me... This baby is so happy, that on the day that he was the most sick- coughing and miserable, he was still smiling!
This is my bedroom and the super ancient bed that I get to sleep in. I am waiting for the housekeepers to clean up the house tomorrow so that I can start sleeping on the floor again. At the moment, the basement is crawling with spiders and bugs and it wouldn't be pleasant waking up to a spider in my ear. Though I suppose sleeping on a bed wouldn't stop a spider from crawling in my ear anyway huh?

We've been spending our afternoons at the nearby yacht club where the kids get to play with their friends and I get to kick it in a chair.

Even though it has been cloudy and foggy, whatever I can see is still very pretty to me.

I guess the novelty of the beach hasn't worn off yet. I am still loving every single moment I'm running on the sand, or floating around in the sea, or standing still and watching little fishies swim around my feet.

Work is challenging, but rewarding. Especially when the boys say really sweet things like "you are the funnest babysitter ever!" or "you are my favourite girl next to mom!"

But when they get nasty, it's not pleasant at all...

This week, I get Thursday and Sunday off.

Thursday is the 4th of July, which is a major holiday in the U.S.- their Independence day. Usually, people celebrate it by having family barbecues and setting off fireworks in the evening. Apparently we are going to have a fantastic fireworks display right in front of the house facing the bay on Thursday, so I'm pretty stoked for that.

I also have to do some research as to things that I can do around here. I hope to get some sailing, fishing and kayaking done before the summer is over.

Gotta make the best of everything you've got!

2nd Day

Whew!

This is my second night at Cape Cod and I'm feeling great. This morning, I ran straight to the ocean and jumped in after my run. Even though it was raining and the water was cold, I was still ecstatic to be able to touch saltwater and sand at last.

I also found my camera (thank goodness!) so I'll be putting up pictures soon.

This place is absolutely gorgeous, with houses dating back to the 1700s and 1800s. The house that I'm living in is decorated in the "traditional" American style, down to simple wooden furniture and grandma quilts. The bed that I'm sleeping on itself is probably near a hundred years old.

So far, Cape Cod has been getting really chilly air, with temperatures dropping to 12 Celsius at night. It feels more like it's autumn here than summer.

This afternoon, I was at the local yacht club hanging out with the three boys. At around 1500, the clouds and rain suddenly disappeared and the sun came out! I was so mad that I didn't have my swimsuit with me and that I was stuck with the baby.

But I was on the phone with Tanya and it was nice for an hour or so.

Then finally evening came and I cooked dinner for the family. The kids' grandparents are so nice! The grandpa was telling me all about the Crusades and his secret to swimming well. And they had me eat with them today--- with the dinner table overlooking a slight hill, facing the ocean with the sun setting over it!

So I'm deliriously happy now. Not to mention, I got a full tummy...

Yay!

心烦

I just spent the last two days with my family before I leave for Cape Cod tomorrow and my mom leaves for Singapore on Tuesday.

And I lost my camera.

But I bought more Skype credit and got to talk to 我的好朋友。

求神和我同在。。。

Productive Day

Today, I took the boys outside in the pouring rain and played war with water bombs and water guns. Needless to say, we were all soaked through before long. They were so excited though, since this was the first time they'd played in the rain in their swimsuits and barefoot. We even created a waterslide by pouring water down their playground's slide.

Isn't it awesome to have a playground in your backyard?

Move me back about 8 years and it would still be a dream of mine to have a playground in my backyard.

I wish my two little brothers were here to have splashing sploshing fun too though. I think 4 year old Alex would have a lot of fun hanging out with us everyday.

Anyway..

I've discovered that sticking close to the Lord in every matter, everyday, is so essential. I noticed that everytime I'm exposed to secular things in life like tv, radio, or the company of non-Christians, something pulls me a little further away from peace and contentment. I can't explain the feeling, but I see now how important quiet prayer time is. It is so important that without it, things cannot go smoothly without even starting each day in prayer.

Going through life without constant conversation with God is like trying to drive 500 miles with flat tires. Prayer is like air...

I'm feeling majorly artsy tonight so I'm going to go work on a new drawing now. Bye!

P.S.

I was watching BBC News over dinner and they were doing a news segment on how it's flooding in Hungary. As they were narrating how basements were getting flooded there, they flashed some weird video footage of some farmer person picking flowers or something. I didn't get it. Then a few minutes later, as they were narrating a piece on how general consumption of cocaine and methamphetamines was stabilising worldwide, they flashed the same video again.

Huh?

Tired

Phew!

I finally have some time to blog! And fortunately, Blogger isn't spazzing today so I can upload pictures...

Today was a really busy day. The baby was a handful since 0800 this morning and the fact that half the house was in disarray didn't help either. I had six loads of laundry to fold, three floors to wipe down and rearrange and very very demanding children to keep in line.

I don't know how my mother does it...... she must be superwoman.

Which makes me wonder: if my mother can have a full-time job, raise two little boys, make home-cooked meals everyday and keep the house in sparkling order, why can't this family, with a part-time babysitter, a professional house-cleaning service and me, even keep the house in check for the TWO DAYS that I was home?

I guess I really do have a superwoman for a mother...

No that's not my mom.

We had a visitor over the weekend!

We went to the Philadelphia Outlet Malls, which I had never been to before. My mom was very excited since she discovered this place recently. I don't know what the whole fuss about outlet malls is because even though everything is always on sale, it's mostly leftover seasonal clothing from obscure brands anyway like "Bass" or "OshKosh" (OshKosh is SO 90's!). And besides, what kind of fun is a brokeass like me supposed to have at an outlet mall?

Eh well... I was just happy to hang with my people.
Very very very luckily, the spell of bad weather ended and we were left with blue skies and green (albeit soggy) grass.

I love amusing him because he's so easily amused.

Well, I guess it's just in the family. Or maybe I just didn't grow up.
Then Monday morning arrived and I had to drive back to Ridgewood, New Jersey. This time, I took the scenic route and passed by some lovely farms.

And that concluded my short breathless weekend.

My job in NYC on Saturday was very muddled. I had gotten sick and was feeling weak by the time I got to the event so I made a lot of stupid mistakes while working. Got yelled at by a lot of people including the Big Boss. But I got to talk to Nina Garcia! Well, she asked me where the bathroom was and other random stuff...

If you watch "Project Runway" like I used to... Yeah well, it was just awesome.

That was the editor-in-chief of Marie Claire's wedding and she invited all sorts of fashion people and models whose faces I recognised but didn't know their names. Which was irrelevant anyway because they came in skimpy clothing and nobody was looking at their faces.

I had to leave 4 hours early because I was feeling like a hungover sea monkey and had to drive 2 hours home in the dark rainy night. But a packet of M&Ms, V on the phone and 4 slices of wedding cake saw that I got home safely.

Gah.

I don't know what to do with my life.

Or should I say,

I don't know what life wants to do with me.

Ok.....! God.

I don't know what GOD wants to do with me.

GAHHH!

Pooped

Ugh!

Blogger won't let me upload pictures without having the browser hang! That's it. I'm going to read and go to sleep.

Friday Yay!

Finally! A day with no rain! But still no sunshine... Bleah...

All I really wanted today was to lie out on the deck with my sketch book and crayons. With kitty curled up by my side of course.
Thanks to the rain, everything is green and smells like damp earth. It's summer but it feels like spring again.
And my poor car is now covered in yellow leaves.

Last night before I went to sleep, I felt sort of oppressed. But after praying and worshipping, I felt peaceful again and fell right asleep.

It only took a few days, but I think I'm quite used to being here now. I sat with one of the boys to watch a baseball game (Mets against Marlins) today and the kid taught me a lot about this "America's favourite pastime". He's only 7 years old, but he's already like an open encyclopaedia about baseball. He can recite all the players' names and the different teams and what each player is good at. It's crazy...

Tomorrow morning I get to visit kitty for an hour or so before I go off to work in New York City. Then after NYC I'll be driving home to Pennsylvania to visit family for Sunday.

I got paid today and it feels nice.

:)

Nothing beats relaxing after a hard days' work.

很多次我会问自己：我们每天的功劳到底是为了什么？这条苦命再难又怎么样？到了最后，无论是穷人或是有钱人，都会回到泥土里。连历史总有一天也会消失；所以，留下来的 legacies 也通通是无意的。

So why do we worry about petty things so much? If only we realised, how short our time on earth is! How brief this interlude- like a baby's breath and spring in April. In less than a blink it is gone and as we watch for the future, the present breezes by like a freight train on a trip to nowhere.

But we're not going nowhere. And someday we'll have to answer some questions about the life we've lived, the time that has been given to us.

Have you accomplished your task?

Life Goes On

For my job, it's best to look unglamorous all the time. Just leave the hair in an untidy bun, my body in an old t-shirt and shorts, my brows un-plucked and my face makeup-free.
My diet has been questionable, but only for a while. I just wanted to try these "Smileys" that they have in the fridge for the kids. They're these round bite-sized potato things that you pop in the oven. Crunchy on the outside, but mashed on the inside. Yummy! And and and, don't forget the irresistable smile!
My evenings consist of webcam sessions and Japanese dramas. Currently it's Atashinchi No Danshi. It's the lamest most unbelievable cliche scheme ever, but it puts me to sleep so whatever.
And since I was at the Russian store yesterday, I got myself Russian storybooks to read. Triple quadruple yippee yays!!!

And this is the 1/3 of my job who has been driving me up the wall...

Today the rain continued pouring. This will be the fourth week in a row now. The baby keeps getting sick and the boys are always stuck indoors. I can't run without getting thoroughly soaked and my shoes can't ever get dry on time.

But I love life and can't wait till this Saturday when I get to work in New York City again and I get to visit my baby kitty!!!!!

The Lord is so good to me. Everytime I feel like I'm about to fall, I rest my burden on Him and he lifts me up into the sky. I can be down like an arrow but inside, I am flying. He has never forsaken me. I only need to Trust and Obey.

:)

Second Day

I'm actually really tired right now, but I can't seem to be able to fall asleep. I've been up since 0700 this morning and I'll be waking up at that time again tomorrow morning for my run. My body must imagine that it's some kind of superhero right now; thinking that it can handle not sleeping for 9 hours and then going through the day without passing out.

Fat chance.

Actually, while I was playing "Doctor" with the kids today, I fell asleep while lying on the bed, pretending to be sick. It was only for a while, but let's just say it was a really deep slumber. The kids were jabbing away at me with the fake syringe but I didn't even wake up until my body automatically heard the mom come upstairs. HAHA!

Tomorrow the maids will be coming in the morning to clean the house, so I have a few hours to go shopping for Russian food. I'm so happy that this place is right next to a Russian area where I used to go to the banya. I think I'll go this Sunday after working in NYC on Saturday to relax.

Life is so structured now. I have no choice but to get into this disciplined lifestyle. It'll be good training for time to come.

I took the baby out in the stroller for a walk today and the weather was cool and lovely for a while. One day of sunshine, then another 9 days of rain is forecasted. To date, it has been raining almost everyday for 2 weeks now. What is up with June? That's what everybody wants to know...

Well I still can't fall asleep so I'm gonna write more until I get into the dozing mood.

I was just thinking today, how interesting life has been for me since I was born. Every year brought changes and challenges in ways that I could never foresee. And I guess after all these years, I'm just so used to moving around and having my life alter drastically that I just automatically look for these opportunities now. That's why I wanted to move out, to explore, to do something new and different.

Yet although I willingly displace myself frequently, I actually miss my friends and family very much. And I'm starting to miss places too. Every single place that I've lived for more than 2 weeks has a special significance for me because I've made those places a part of me. I usually scout out the area on foot, lovingly turning the pages of its streets one day at a time, seeing sights, smelling scents, remembering faces and sounds at every turning of the corner. Then I become a part of the place and the place becomes a part of me.

There are also always songs that remind me of a certain place or period in my life since. For example, when I used to live in Katong, my co-inhabitants would listen to Jay Chou all the time, so each time his songs are playing, it would always take me back to my bedroom in that house with the dark blue curtains swinging in the wind.

When I listen to Chinese music from the WWII era, it takes me back to the little village in Xiamen that I was at for a while. I can hear the wind rushing through the trees outside and a dog barking a few houses away. I smell the sea and the peanuts growing in their furrows distinctly; it's almost as if I were there again.

And now that I'm lying here listening to some other songs, I'm sure that listening to them in the future would always remind me of this house in Ridgewood, New Jersey.

I'm still not used to living here yet, but I know that with time, this place and its culture will grow dear to me and when it's time to leave, I'll leave with reluctance in my heart.

P.S.

This song "As The Rush Comes" gives me the chills at late night in absolute darkness.

Ridgewood Fun

After leaving my baby darling Кошка with my trusted friend yesterday morning, I drove off to the lady's house to start my new job of looking after the three kids. In addition to teaching them Chinese, I'm also expected to do a few small chores around the house.

Actually, the difficult energy-consuming part of the job is not the housework but rather playing with the kids. They can get a little rowdy and crazy so I didn't really appreciate that so we'll see how long it is before I tear my hair out.

It's just really weird being in another house, sleeping on another floor and seeing different people in the morning.

And I miss Кошка :(

Goodbye N. Wales

After tonight I won't see Кошка, my family or friends again for two months. I'll be leaving for New Jersey tomorrow morning for a live-in position as a Chinese tutor/babysitter/housekeeper with a family. Two weeks from tomorrow, we will then move up to Cape Cod, Massachusetts where their parents have a beach house. After that, we will cross over to Martha's Vineyard where their in-law's have another house.

Essentially, my job will be to assist the mother in looking after the three little boys, to teach them a bit of Chinese and to play with them.

I initially took the job because I wanted to leave Pennsylvania for the summer and to travel somewhere in the U.S. where I'd never been before. And I thought, why not make money while living somewhere and exploring the area? So I went on Craigslist and scoured several states in America for odd jobs in places where I would like to visit.

And lo and behold, there landed in my lap, this job which pays pretty well while offering me a place to sleep right ON THE BEACH!

I'm really sad to leave everything behind, but at the same time, quite excited to start this challenging summer.

Having the opportunity to experience a whole different culture and be in a completely different place is just amazing. I can't believe how eloquently God answered my prayers. I just pray now that he stays by my side throughout the entire journey. I have a feeling this summer will bring more radical breakthroughs in my faith like last summer did.

Summer is always a delicious time...

A Nice Friday

Somebody went exploring on her own today. She drove an hour to the nearest bank to run some errands, then decided to take some scenic route instead of the convenient highway home.
The scenic route ended up winding through someplace really pretty so I parked my car and took a walk. The area was still a little soggy from a whole week of constant rain. The ground smelled kind of decomposed and fresh at the same time as a result; no wonder since I saw maggot-infested goose droppings everywhere.
Well well well... The weatherman is a liar. First he said rain was going to come today. Then this morning it said it was going to be cloudy (the picture showed grey clouds) and temperatures were supposed to be in the mid-20's Celsius-wise.
But where was the rain? It was very hot too and all the mosquitoes were having some sort of fiesta where the main course was Mindy. Not surprisingly, since I was the only person walking around in shorts and a tank top. Everyone else was either zooming over the bridge in their little sports cars or just somewhere else. The suburbs have a tendency to be secluded.
I also got really awkward tan lines from the sun shining on me through the sunroof and the left side of the window but I'll probably lose it since rain is forecasted till the end of this week...

The sound of the river was very calming so I just stood there listening and watching the little birdies swoop and glide over its rushing surface. As I leaned over the railings to catch a glimpse of the brown water below, I realised that some cars were probably honking at me because they thought I was going to jump or something.

But I didn't, so they can all relax. Plus, the bridge is camera-monitored. Not that the cameras have any way of stopping a person from jumping if they really wanted to.

I love Pennsylvanian turtles. They remind me of the tortoises at MacRitchie in Singapore. I used to catch those and drag them up the shore, only to watch them crawl back slowly later.

And I used to call the brown canal waters in Singapore "Milo" (a kind of chocolate drink). I thought it was so damned funny at the time. Anyway, I love dropping by random towns and seeing random people, places and things. And actually, I like doing it alone.

Because when you're alone, there isn't anybody there to interrupt your thoughts or your observations. I can stand and stare at the sky as long as I want without someone complaining that we should move on, or that it's too hot, or that there are too many mosquitoes, etc...

But of course companionship is sorely missed when I sit by the river and could use a buddy for a little random chitchat.

And there's always my cellphone for that.

:)

:/

It's June and the beaches should really be packed. However it hasn't stopped being wet outside for over a week now and the following week's forecast isn't too promising either.

Breakfast this morning brought back crazy memories.

But Кошка seems to be able to sense that something is going on. And actually, she's not too far from the truth.

If all goes well, I shall be leaving home this coming Monday and moving in with a family up in Jersey. Afterwards, we'll be moving up to Cape Cod, Massachusetts and I'll spend the rest of my summer up there with them, looking after their kids and teaching them Chinese.

It all seems to be happening so quickly. I have tomorrow to get all my errands done and until Monday to spend some time with friends and family before I disappear for a while.

But a part of me is hoping that this doesn't go through. I don't really want to say goodbye and keep moving around anymore.

I hate saying goodbye to Кошка as I'd have to leave her with a friend for these two months.

The unfamiliar path is here again and I'm so tired of taking that road after all these years.

Oh Jesus!

无聊

To many people around me, it may seem as though I'm not doing anything productive with my summertime. I seem to lie around with my computer or with my guitar on the deck all day, not working and not studying much. My mom comes home and gives me a dirty look sometimes because she's slaving away in the office and all I do is sit around at home.

But nobody really knows what I'm up to do they? Because I don't say anything to anybody anymore.

I don't really have anybody to talk to anyway, who quite understands all my thought processes, whom I can tell my hopes, dreams and plans to without hearing judgement tinting their "I see's" and "Ah ha's".

It's exhausting, having to explain myself when I don't even know what I want to say.

So what am I doing with all my time from morning till night?

I am finding out who I am. I want to get to know this new Mindy a bit better, because I realised that I'm not the same person that I used to be a year ago, two years ago, or three years ago.

I feel almost as if I made a massive detour in my life. The thing is, I've gone back to being the same old Mindy I always was when I was a little girl. Since about when I was 10 till last year, I've just been hiding behind all my insecurities and twisted dreams about life. Now that those insecurities have been addressed and those dreams have more or less fallen to pieces, I've discovered the freedom I never had in being the person that I always was.

I guess, on hindsight, all that strange un-Mindylike behaviour just came about from puberty.

I'm not sure that I'm done with that interesting stage of life (I'm still growing--- слава богу) but I'm quite ready to start getting acquainted with my new mental equipment.

I suppose such a self-evaluation should be done every few years, but time is running out for me. I realise now that almost everything that I've been doing up until today makes me very uncomfortable with myself. Things like majoring in Economics, being mean to people out of habit, selfishly pursuing meaningless things and so on. And time is running out because I can't live this way forever.

What if I die tomorrow?

可是我越想，事情又变得更复杂。

圣经里说的对。天气，风和雨是不能控制，而且每天都能变的一件事。一位天天都在乎天气的农夫是不会去种东西的。因为他看到云就以为会下雨。感到风吹就会以为会有风暴。

现在的我很象那位农夫，什么都不想做，只因为看到云，感到风，就觉得明天的天气应该不适合种东西。

Last Words

It's a quarter past midnight and sleeping is kind of the last thing on my mind right now. Though my body is screaming GO TO BED, my mind seems to have, well, a mind of its own...

It seems that Кошка will have to be spayed soon... 我真的不想给她经过手术，但样子看来，实在是没办法。Я уже сошла с ума потому что 她每个月都会开始吵着想找一个公子来做baby. 害到我很多天не могу спать。

明天，我打算一大早起床，去跑步，vacuum, 做一点家务，读一点书。

Сейчас я готова идти спать...

Buried Things

Last night after work, I attempted to spend a night in my car. I figured that if it worked out, the possibility of spending half a year in my car and saving money on rent that way wouldn't be too far off. However within two minutes of covering my windows with blankets and duct tape (to prevent people from looking at me while sleeping), I realised that no way in heck was this car-sleeping thing going to work.

That was at 0000 midnight. By 0200, not only was I highly uncomfortable and drifting in and out of sleep, my legs were also hurting intensely from the crazy amount of walking and lifting I had to do working throughout the day. Finally, after being scared shitless by random spanish people yelling around my car, I tore the blankets off the windows and parked on the opposite side of the road.

0345... Time was passing like a snail trying to cross the road and the temperature was also steadily dropping and I had forgotten to bring my warm sweats with me. The flimsy blankets were barely enough to cover my legs and my arms. I used a beach towel as my pillow and the thinnest blanket to cover my eyes.

Although I fell asleep from sheer exhaustion afterwards, it was a half-hearted kind of non-restful sleep. First of all, in a Honda Civic, there isn't much space to put all 175cm of me. I settled on sleeping in the driver's seat with the back pulled down and my legs resting on a volleyball so that I wasn't sloped too much. Yet in a few minutes, I felt as though all the blood in my head had drained into my feet and it was a very strange and cramped feeling.

0500, I get up as usual with an intense urge to pee. However I didn't want to call my ex up and ask to use the bathroom because I know he got home really late and barely had a few hours to sleep like myself (will explain further on). I decided to try to fall asleep again and to hold it for two more hours.

0700 sharp, I'm awake and ready to pee with a vengeance. I glance at the sky and it is bright already. I call my ex at 0705 and he gets ready in 30 minutes to let me in.

Ok now I'll explain why he's in my place and why I had to sleep in the car.

1) I am subletting the apartment to him since my lease ends in August and I won't be in NJ for the whole of summer anyway. He is the only person I'd trust to keep the apartment and who was willing to just live there for the summer. Helps with the rent.

2) I worked all day Saturday until about 2300 and didn't want to drive 2 hours back to PA since I already had a tendency to fall asleep at the wheel in the daytime.

3) Don't think spending the night in my place where he lived now was a very good idea. It seemed a little awkward to my mind.

4) I still had some boxes left at my place that I needed to pick up.

5) Church on Sunday was right across from my place at 1030.

Summer is always such a confusing time for me...... Always the conflict between what I want to do, what I need to do and what I can do.

P.S.

I just saw my first firefly of the summer!!!!!!

头又疼了

如果我想用我这一生去帮助别人，但需要放弃我所有的物质享受，我的亲人会怎么想呢？我一定要尊重他们的想法吗？每天这样活下去，真的觉得很没有滋味，没有意思。

我最怕的就是如果我死的那一天，躺在死床上，发现到我没有好好地利用这一条命去做我能做的，应该去完成的。

我怕说出来了，大家都会以为我真的发疯了。。。

天啊！

For the past year, I can't say I've been fully independent because my parents were always there for me when I needed their help; especially financially. However today, my mom told me that this would no longer be the case.

When she said that, I instantly realised that I really was twenty years old now.

Twenty years of learning how to walk, talk, eat, read, write, stand...... And what do I have to show for it?

Here is my chance, the meaningful shove out the front door, a new beginning and an opportunity to finally find my place in this world.

And honestly, I'm scared to bits.

As I said to V earlier today, I am finally completely responsible for myself. And not just for myself, but soon I'll have to look after my parents as well. But how am I supposed to do that?

I don't see myself having any sort of career right now without hating myself or going broke with debts.

And when school starts again, I may live in my car to save money. This will mean giving up my kitty...

No wonder I come across as a crazy person nowadays...

Здесь Хорошо

Nothing makes you more aware of your own arrogance than a conversation with another arrogant person. And now that I'm aware, I'm quite ashamed. 我常常把自己的思想推到别人的面前，不管是跟谁，我都会变的像个小厉害。I never knew how talking to a всёзнайка like myself can be sooo exhausting. 当我和他说完话以后，我不但觉得头脑疼，也觉得心很沉。现在我才晓得为什么有些人就是不喜欢跟我在一起。没关系。虽然我花了二十年才了解这个道理，但总算我有学到。

想告诉你们。。。又另一个奇迹发生了。

这个夏节，我除了找不到工作，也本来找不到能帮我看房子，给住金的朋友。钱又好像会成为我这几个月最大的困难。可是，当我最无助微弱的时刻，钱就出现了。And all those days that I was worrying and praying and crying for help, it seemed as though it didn't matter at all. I even had a picture flash through my mind--- where I was kicking and screaming like a child who wanted something, thinking that my father would say no; but all the while not knowing that what I needed was already waiting to be given unto me at the appropriate time.

可是你知道吗？六月已经到了。我还找不了工作，但奇迹发生了。今天信箱里来了美国政府欠我的五百快。That's right. Taxes that I forgotten were even owed to me.

And as I held the letter in my hands, I just felt so stupid for worrying and belittling myself even though God had evidently prepared my living expenses. I realised that what he wanted wasn't for me to spend my energy worrying over such trivial matters of life, but rather, to live so as to demonstrate His Love to the world.

So I gathered all my mental resources today and simply stopped trying to find work. Instead, I did what work that I could today. I ran, cleaned the floors, cooked and hoped that it made my mom's life a little easier. Even though I didn't look for work, I know that the appropriate job will come at the perfect time. For now my job is this- and I completed it with joy and patience.

And thanks to prayer, His peace came to me again and I was happy.

So I guess, I just want to let you (whoever's reading this) know that relying on God is the best way to go. If you've done your best, just let God do the rest and stop resting on your own knowledge... Give it all up and pray.

Всё будеть хорошо!

晚上两点多睡不着

每当我想早点睡觉时，不知道为什么总会有事情挡住我。我不但对早睡有点困难，我也发觉到，每当我心情开始好一点，而且生活中的困难也都好像开始消失了，但一定有一些东西发生让我感到不舒服。这到底是怎么回事?

《丢脸。。。我又忘了"hui shi"怎么写》

今晚不知道为什么头脑里的思想特别乱。明天都还没开始- 但我已经有点疲倦了。

没有神的恩慈爱戴，我现在应该是个死人了吧。没有主耶稣，我今天还会继续活着吗？

我真的不想成为人群其中另一个脸。