无聊

To many people around me, it may seem as though I'm not doing anything productive with my summertime. I seem to lie around with my computer or with my guitar on the deck all day, not working and not studying much. My mom comes home and gives me a dirty look sometimes because she's slaving away in the office and all I do is sit around at home.

But nobody really knows what I'm up to do they? Because I don't say anything to anybody anymore.

I don't really have anybody to talk to anyway, who quite understands all my thought processes, whom I can tell my hopes, dreams and plans to without hearing judgement tinting their "I see's" and "Ah ha's".

It's exhausting, having to explain myself when I don't even know what I want to say.

So what am I doing with all my time from morning till night?

I am finding out who I am. I want to get to know this new Mindy a bit better, because I realised that I'm not the same person that I used to be a year ago, two years ago, or three years ago.

I feel almost as if I made a massive detour in my life. The thing is, I've gone back to being the same old Mindy I always was when I was a little girl. Since about when I was 10 till last year, I've just been hiding behind all my insecurities and twisted dreams about life. Now that those insecurities have been addressed and those dreams have more or less fallen to pieces, I've discovered the freedom I never had in being the person that I always was.

I guess, on hindsight, all that strange un-Mindylike behaviour just came about from puberty.

I'm not sure that I'm done with that interesting stage of life (I'm still growing--- слава богу) but I'm quite ready to start getting acquainted with my new mental equipment.

I suppose such a self-evaluation should be done every few years, but time is running out for me. I realise now that almost everything that I've been doing up until today makes me very uncomfortable with myself. Things like majoring in Economics, being mean to people out of habit, selfishly pursuing meaningless things and so on. And time is running out because I can't live this way forever.

What if I die tomorrow?

可是我越想，事情又变得更复杂。

圣经里说的对。天气，风和雨是不能控制，而且每天都能变的一件事。一位天天都在乎天气的农夫是不会去种东西的。因为他看到云就以为会下雨。感到风吹就会以为会有风暴。

现在的我很象那位农夫，什么都不想做，只因为看到云，感到风，就觉得明天的天气应该不适合种东西。